Amateur Blog at the Apollo

Star crossed lovers

2010-12-14T23:51:00.003-05:00

There's been a bunch of celebrity breakups this week. Whenever a couple splits up it's sad (especially when children are involved), but even more sad is that with celebrities it's never unexpected.

That being said...out of the big stars who I've learned are single again in the past 36 hours, here's the order I'd ask them out in:

4) Scarlett Johansson (Looks like the newly crowned "Sexiest Man Alive" finally realized Scarlett is extremely overrated as a sex symbol. She did, however, take part in what is probably my favorite SNL sketch so far this season)
3) Vanessa Hudgens (I'll be her new Wildcat)
2) Anna Friel (She'd probably get tired of me insisting that she speak in an American accent and act like Chuck from Pushing Daisies)
1) Elizabeth Hurley (I would insist that she retain her British accent, and that she do no acting whatsoever)

Clearly, I only blog about really important things these days.

And all that Jazz

2010-11-20T15:01:00.002-05:00

I doubt anyone reads my blog that isn't also a Facebook friend and/or a Twitter follower of mine, but I figured I'd promote this here too:

I'm a "Jazzbot," an official blogger for the Utah Jazz. There's like 35 of us, plus non-bots can also post on the site, but it's still fun to write about sports and to have an official connection (however loose) to my favorite pro team.

Us Jazzbots are supposed to write two or three times a week. My fourth post, including the one I wrote to audition, just went up (some of you may notice it's adapted from a post I wrote on this blog last January). The site isn't designed that well, but you should be able to find my older posts without too much difficulty if you're interested.

As I mentioned above, I'm on Twitter! (My handle is the super-creative @jeff_hofmann.) If you're a Tweeter, let's follow each other. Then you can know when my new Jazz blogs post, and I can break the elusive 40 followers mark.

Tabula Rasa

2010-11-18T01:19:00.002-05:00

I've hit the big time at work. Sort of. For the first time in my life, I have a placard with my name on it, indicating that this is where I sit. True, said placard had a typo on it at first. And I share the desk with someone else. But it's still pretty cool.

My desk partner, Lindsey, has decorated our cube with some pretty standard items, from pictures of her family to a ceramic cowboy hat/pen holder to an autographed Sarah McLachlan poster to something that appears to be a pagan garland of sorts. There was plenty of room for her to personalize our workspace because, as usual, I put absolutely no effort into doing the same myself.

I'm typing this up in my bedroom, surrounded by four walls devoid of adornment. I don't wear jewelry of any kind except a watch occasionally. I have never entered anything in that permanent status "Write something about yourself" area on Facebook. I'm just not a decorating kind of guy. There are a number of reasons for this:

--I have no art, fancy framed pictures, or inspirational messages to put up.
--I have no interest in spending money on those kinds of things.
--I'm constantly staring at a TV or computer screen (or occasionally a book) and wouldn't notice those things if they were there.
--But most of all, I don't decorate because of the permanence of it. I'm unwilling to commit to one picture or poster because it implies that I've rejected all others. I have plenty of t-shirts and have made plenty of status updates endorsing a particular movie or toy or junk food item, but those can (and should) be changed on a regular basis. But if I put a Batman poster on my wall or become an official "fan" of Arrested Development, I must prefer those things to all others I didn't show the same consideration to.

So am I crazy? Or am I just using that reasoning as an excuse to cover up the fact that I'm indecisive, lazy, and/or cheap?

Chicken buckets are the new UNICEF bag

2010-11-10T23:23:00.004-05:00

This is probably my favorite Halloween costume I've ever had, narrowly edging out my 2003 Adam West-era Batman ensemble.

Although the wig ended up a little more Einstein-ey than Sanders-ey, you have to admit I look finger-lickin' good.

Stars...they jet just like us!

2010-10-09T22:00:00.002-04:00

Now that I no longer answer phones for JetBlue, it's likely my brushes with celebrities will drop dramatically. Here's a brief rundown of the "stars" I've associated with in some way at my job, ranked by my view of their relative fame:

(Again, my blog is not an official JetBlue site, and I am not a company spokesman. These are just my thoughts. And I'm assuming I'm not violating any confidentiality guidelines here, since JetBlue is very open about all the celebrities who fly with us, but if this post goes down that's probably why.)

(By the way, my all-time favorite JetBlue celebrity sighting? Definitely this guy!)

7) The mother of injured BYU defensive lineman Romney Fuga called to cancel her son's flight.
6) A relative of Los Angles Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak (boo!) used his credit card to book her flight.
5) Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs (don't worry, they're not all sports related) has a production company, and I booked a flight for one of his business partners so he could attend a movie premiere.
4) I helped actress Lake Bell cancel a flight. She's the only celebrity I've spoken directly to, and I'm surprised I recognized her name, since I haven't seen anything she's been in.
3) A representative of Tony Orlando's changed the flights of his band members (apparently he's no longer with Dawn. Who knew?) so they could make a show on time.
2) A woman called me once to see if a seat upgrade was available for the former mayor of America, Rudolph Giuliani.
1) I know he's not as famous as Rudy, but the most exciting call I've ever received at work was from the personal assistant of Kyle MacLachlan (aka Agent Dale Cooper!), who booked a flight for him. And he even paid for an extra seat. Oh, to be rich and famous.

So if your DirecTV ever malfunctions on a JetBlue flight, just look around...you still may be able to see some stars!

Tweet, pray, love

2010-10-04T23:55:00.002-04:00

Today I started a new position with JetBlue. I'm a founding member of our new social media support team, which basically means I get to be a Twitter tracker Twitter tracker Twitter tracker! After a few weeks of training, it will be my job to seek to recover customers as one of the company's official tweeters.

As a result, I finally bit the bullet and signed up for my own Twitter account. You can follow me if you want, but I don't expect to be a super-active user of that platform, at least until I get a phone I can access the Internet on, which I plan to do later this year.

(I'm supposed to point out that anything I post to my blog, Twitter or Facebook is my own viewpoint and not necessarily that of JetBlue. So there you go.)

I'm really excited about this new assignment. Not only does the work itself seem interesting and relevant, I will have a much better work schedule, and I'm really glad to have a break from answering phones. At the end of each shift my ears would be sore from my headset, and my voice would have faded to the point that when I'd give my name customers would think I said Jack. Or Jim. Or, surprisingly, Chad. So I'm happy to move on from that. Although if I become too popular online, maybe I'll have to set up a Twitter account for each of those personas.

Hello, ladies

2010-09-24T01:12:00.003-04:00

It's fall television premiere season, the most wonderful time of the year for a TV junkie like me. Here's my list of the top 10 women I'm excited to have back in my life on a weekly basis (with a couple of extra categories).

MISSED THE CUT
Lacey Schwimmer, Dancing With The Stars
Definitely would be on the list if she hadn't gone blond.
Marge Simpson, The Simpsons
Physical appearance is a huge factor on this list--I won't be doing a similar post about TV dudes--and despite Marge's recent Playboy spread, I'm not a big fan of the Olive Oyl body type.

HONORABLE MENTION
Cerie Xerox, 30 Rock
Emma Pillsbury, Glee
Avery Jessup, 30 Rock
These shows debuted this week, but missing these regular characters. And yes, I'm ranking the characters from scripted shows. I don't know what the real people are like.

10. Quinn Fabray, Glee
Would be ranked higher if this list was 100% physical, but she can be kinda witchy and not a tremendous singer.
9. Jules Cobb, Cougar Town
The best-looking middle-aged drunk on a show full of good-looking middle-aged drunks.
8. Annie Edison, Community
7. Britta Perry, Community
Trending upward. Both could easily crack the top 5 if the show's second season is as good as the first.
6. Pam Halpert, The Office
I liked her more as a single receptionist than as a married salesperson.
5. Claire Dunphy, Modern Family
Gives an underrated, Jason-Bateman-in-Arrested-Development-esque performance as the "straight man" in the funniest show on TV.
4. Anna Trebunskaya, Dancing With The Stars
I've always had a thing for redheads. I know she's married, but I enjoy watching her. Dance. I enjoy watching her dance.
3. Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
Not only does Tina Fey look really good in glasses, but she looks weird without them. Keep the glasses on all season, Liz.
2. Sue Sylvester, Glee
As I said, the list is largely looks-based, but I'm not 100% shallow.
1. Gloria Pritchett-Delgado, Modern Family
Ay ay ay! Well done, Al Bundy. Well done.

[Update: A couple of big brain farts by me. Should have chosen Glee's Brittany over Quinn--nearly as attractive and way more entertaining. Also, I made my list a few days too early, forgetting that Saturday Night Live also returns this weekend. So Quinn and Jules get swapped out for Brittany and Kristen Wiig, and Abby Elliott is tied for fourth. I told you, I like redheads.]

So how chauvinistic/lame am I for doing this? And which are the best females TV characters I'm missing out on by not watching Bones, or House, or pretty much any hour-long drama or anything on CBS?

Bite the bullet

2010-09-20T20:40:00.002-04:00

Some lingering thoughts and questions after my 47th viewing of the Magic Bullet infomercial, far and away the greatest infomercial of all time...

It's pretty obvious that the whole thing is set the morning after a swinger's party. Everyone's either wearing pajamas, or the same clothes they had on the night before. They're all extremely comfortable with each other...so comfortable, in fact, that nobody questions why their hosts have huge platters of meats, cheeses, fruits, vegetables and more, all cut or chopped into blender-ready chunks. None of them wonder why the Aussie and his wife are preparing dozens of entrees and side dishes, one after another in succession. And not one person finds it weird that the duo are schilling for this magic blender (even using catchphrases). You'd think at least one of their guests would ask what was going on, or at least why one couple would have five or six of the same blender.

Until the last time I watched it, I thought there were three couples plus Hazel (the elderly master of the long cigarette ash), which made me wonder if she were some kind of referee for the previous evening's swinging. But when I saw it again a few days ago, I finally noticed the presence of Ike the omelette eater. So now it appears that there's three couples, plus Berman and Hazel. So the numbers even out. (I'm leaping to some conclusions here about what goes on at swinger parties. I really have no idea.)

The dark-haired lady doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the group. She puts out a "Mary Steenburgen playing a Mormon housewife" type of vibe, and doesn't seem to be a crazy partier. The other seven, I can see them being up for anything.

The spokesmodels don't use very precise measurements. When they say they're adding "a little" of this or "just a squeeze" of that, you never know if you're going to end up with just a dash of curry powder, or a Bullet cup full of basil leaves. I can see this inconsistency causing some problems in other activities; hopefully their friends had their safe words ready.

If I could eat anything they made using the personal, versatile, countertop magician, I'd probably go with the chicken salad.

That's about it...just know that I own a Magic Bullet (got it as a gift, but it's the only infomercial product I've ever considered actually buying), I don't use it every day, and (as you'd probably expect) it doesn't work as well in real life as it does on TV--but it does work. And if I ever stumble across it while channel surfing, I'll always stop and watch for at least one...two...three seconds. Probably longer.

Frozen food for thought

2010-09-15T19:09:00.003-04:00

I finally got around to trying the new Hot Pockets "Sideshots" the other day. I'm normally a fan of any greasy meat-filled item I can throw in the microwave, especially if said item reminds me of Jim Gaffigan.

But I was resistant to the Sideshots...and it was all because of their commercials. We're supposed to believe that these people are outcasts because they eat a burger-shaped Hot Pocket with their hands, instead of a fork? Please. As if anyone has ever eaten a Hot Pocket, or a non-microwaveable hamburger, with utensils. It's ludicrous.

I know they ate Snickers bars with a knife and fork on Seinfeld, but that was only funny because it was so ridiculous. I've seen firsthand that British people eat pizza with utensils, but they also put sweetcorn on it, so we can't take their "behaviour" seriously.

Speaking of Mr. Hot Pocket...I'm semi-tempted to see the new Justin Long-Drew Barrymore rom-com just because Gaffigan is in it (although I successfully resisted the temptation to see The Love Guru, and that had Gaffigan AND Stephen Colbert in it). And speaking of Long, do you think the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy ever looks at him and wonders what might have been? But I digress...where was I?

Oh yeah, the Sideshots. I'd buy them again, I guess. But not if there's a sale on frozen White Castle sliders.

DJ Jazzy Jeff

2010-08-24T23:40:00.002-04:00

Hey, remember when I used to blog? I kind of do. And I think I enjoyed it. So maybe I'll do it more often. It's time to make my presence felt again on the Interwebs.

The spell check had better not give me any problems on that last word. Interweb is official now, making its dictionary debut along with other vocabularic atrocities like bromance, chillax and wardrobe malfunction. Surprisingly, cheeseball is also a new addition to the OED. I'm guessing it's been in Merriam-Webster for a while, considering the cheeseball was a Super Bowl staple long before the first wardrobe malfunction.

So now you have some new words to be wary of when playing Hangman. But you'd have better luck saving your stickman with the newbies than with some much older words. Someone with too much time on their hands figured out the hardest Hangman word of all--it's jazz. Kind of surprising, but it makes sense when you think about it.

Speaking of jazz...the other day, out of the blue, I remembered that I had a San Antonio Spurs t-shirt when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it was my brother's shirt first, and like so many articles of clothing before and after it, it was passed on to me. But that's no excuse. That shirt had no business in my home, let alone touching my body. I'm hoping I can successfully repress this shameful memory again. Maybe buying a Jazz jersey would help. I can't decide between Al Jefferson and Othyus Jeffers. Either way, I'd have my name on the back, and I could feel like I'm part of the team.

Word up.

Thanks for the Memorex

2010-07-29T12:26:00.003-04:00

My VCR finally died. It's inexplicable that it lasted as long as it did. But I miss it already.

Back in 2005, my long-time roommate Greg moved out of our apartment. He had tons of stuff (TVs, VCRs, computers, DVDs, etc.), and was very generous in sharing it. On the day he moved out, my other roommate Hardy joined me on a trip to Wal-Mart where I bought a big TV for the living room, a small one for my bedroom, and a VCR for each.

(In case you didn't know already, I'm a television addict.)

Sometime in 2007, something weird happened to one of the VCRs. The tape refused to eject, but somehow it continued working. I could record something, watch it, rewind, and record over it again. And the tape quality never seemed to deteriorate. It was still usable, I just couldn't use that VCR to watch my other tapes or to record something I wanted to keep forever. But it kept working time after time.

Until this week. I recorded something, then tried to rewind the tape, but instead it spit the tape halfway out and shut down. I unplugged it, plugged it back in, but when I pushed play it was just static.

But we had plenty of good times, and I definitely got my money's worth. Plus I still have the other one. And hopefully it will last for a long time, because nobody really sells VCRs anymore. DVRs are great, mainly for the ability to begin watching something from the beginning while still recording the ending, but I actually prefer a VCR when it comes to precision of control. Plus I'm too poor to get a DVR right now. Long live the VCR!

But I have been to a hootenanny in Oak City

2010-07-19T21:03:00.002-04:00

Driving home from Provo last weekend, I saw some fireworks being set off. I'm guessing they were coming from the baseball stadium, the name of which escapes me for the moment. I just know it's not Derks Field anymore.

As I watched them, I began wondering why I've never attended Stadium of Fire. Then I started thinking of some other things I've never done:

--I've never attended a General Conference session in person.

--I never went to EFY. (I didn't even know what it is until my senior year of high school. But I do own pirated cassettes of most of the '90s EFY soundtracks.)

--I've never been skiing.

--I've never hiked the "Y."

Considering I've lived all of my life as a Mormon, most of that life in Utah, and a huge chunk of that Utah time in Provo, which of these nevers is the most surprising? I've also never posted a poll on my blog's sidebar, and don't plan to now, so just leave your answers in the comments.

Joke fiend

2010-07-01T02:35:00.004-04:00

Today is International Joke Day! It's also Canada Day. I don't know if that's coincidental, or if the two are related, and if so which spawned the other. It's one of those chicken and the egg things. Or chicken crossing the road things. Or something.

I love jokes. I especially love puns. I'm a pretty good joke teller. I have good timing and delivery, especially when it comes to deadpan. But I haven't had a lot of success creating my own jokes.

The first joke I ever made up was the classic "Why did the fisherman go fishing?," and its variant "Why didn't he go fishing?" I used to tell this "joke" to my family, changing the punchline every time so they couldn't get it right. Sometimes he had run out of worms, sometimes it was raining, sometimes he didn't like fish...hilarious.

More recently I've been making a joke that hasn't gone over as well as I thought it would. Three months ago I bought a car, a 1995 Buick Park Avenue. When telling people about my sweet ride, I've mentioned that my car is almost old enough to drive itself. I've used the line about a dozen times, never resulting in more than a chuckle. Now I'm second-guessing my plan to start joking next March about the Iraq war reaching the age of accountability.

Compounding the problem, one of the three stand up routines I've ever written is now obsolete, thanks to Domino's new and improved pizza.

Basically, I need some new jokes. So celebrate IJD by sharing some of your favorites in the comments!

One hand in the air for the big city

2010-06-14T10:56:00.000-04:00

Back in February I got fired from my post office job. I couldn't type fast enough to meet the standard, in part because I only use two fingers on each hand when I type, and in part because I was working graveyard shifts and couldn't stay awake. It's the only time I've ever been fired, and it was kind of a bummer.

Fortunately, at that point I already had a job lined up doing reservations with jetBlue (I had been hoping to do both part-time, but now I'm a full-time airline employee). I'm getting paid much less than I was by USPS, but there are some very nice perks: I have health insurance, I get to work from my apartment, and I get to fly for free!

A couple of weeks ago I finally got enough time off to take my first free flight. Not surprisingly, I jetted off to New York. Standby travel is more stressful than I anticipated, but I don't like to complain, and I did get on the flights on the days that I wanted to, so I won't go into detail about that.

It doesn't seem like it's already been about ten months since I moved back to Utah. It felt so good to be back. As I stepped off of the plane and began walking through the terminal, the Glenn Frey song "You Belong to the City" was playing. I don't like that song, but it seemed very appropriate.

It did feel like I was coming back home, rather than just visiting. As such, I didn't really do any touristy things. My goals for the trip were to spend time with friends, eat good food, and watch TV. That's right--I had been wanting to return to New York ever since I left it, but I chose that particular weekend because of a TV show. (Is anyone actually surprised by that?)

This was the weekend, of course, of the Lost series finale. I had watched many episodes with Erin, Jill, Tricia, and other friends, and wanted to rejoin them to say goodbye to the show. To prepare myself, my friend Laura and I went to the Paley Center (formerly the Museum of Television and Radio) the day before to attend a Lost party of sorts. We joined about 200 other fans in trivia contests, watching an "enhanced" version of the 2004 pilot episode, and listening to a panel discussion. I thought the panel was going to be producers and cast members from the show, but it turned out to be six TV critics. Not what I had hoped for, but still interesting.

Sunday night I joined Erin, Laura, and a few others to watch the finale. There were several emotionally satisfying moments, but I felt a little unfulfilled intellectually. I won't give any more details in case some of you haven't seen it yet, but I do have some things I want to say about TV finales in a later post.

I filled the rest of that weekend by going to church, helping sort donations for the stake tag sale, wandering around midtown and Union Square, and hanging out with friends. Oh, and as I mentioned, eating. Here's a list of most of the places I ate:

--A Salt and Battery (an authentic British fish and chip place. Yes, I had a fried Mars bar)

--Nuts4Nuts (but not Nuts5Nuts; that's just too many nuts)

--Gray's Papaya

--I got a piece of chocolate from Max Brenner but didn't have time to stay for a whole dessert

--Dinosaur BBQ (I had heard of it but never been there; it's outstanding)

--I also got a slice of pizza from the dumpy deli I used to frequent when working at Columbia. Sadly, the nearby church is still not selling burritos.

That's about it. It was a super fun, super fast trip. I only spent about $100 total, including subway passes. A big shout out to Joel for letting me sleep on his couch. Thanks Joel! Hopefully I'll be back for another visit soon.

Long in the tooth

2010-06-01T22:39:00.006-04:00

I have a friend named Spencer. We met in high school. We have many shared media experiences from those days, mainly from our time as staff members on the school paper. In fact, Spencer was heavily involved in an incident that pushed my interests fully away from "journalism" per se and towards writing to entertain. But that's a story for another time.

Spencer and I have hardly seen each other since high school, but we're still sharing media adventures. He works for a local health insurer, and was heavily involved in creating some promotional videos for their dental plan.

But they weren't the first ones to come up with a tooth mascot named, well, Toothy. My younger sister works with Spencer's wife at the public library, and I had her drop off a video of a class project my family helped me make in 4th grade. Ashamed of his inadvertent intellectual property theft, Spencer posted part of the video online.

This was the first script I ever wrote, and the first time I was involved in any kind of video project. Not a bad debut, eh? There's so much to love about this video:

--just the fact that Spencer set up his camera to record the tape playing on his TV. So old school.

--my awesome family stepping up at the last minute. A bunch of my friends had volunteered to help out, but all bailed.

--our old school TV, one where you could say "don't touch that dial" and it would actually make sense.

--my sister's big hair underneath her chef's hat.

--my brother seeming WAY too happy when he hears that "Toothy's in trouble."

--the funky positioning of my arms and hands during my brief cameo.

--my mom's great camera work and truly amazing costumes.

--most of all, my dad's tour de force performance as Mr. Cavity. For one thing, after his double knee replacement surgery last year, it would take him at least five minutes now to get up from a fall like that. And his acting was deliciously over the top. I had no idea my dad was a fan of Paul Lynde.

This was only a small portion of the entire video. I think the whole thing is about four minutes long, featuring an extended scene with the chef developing the secret Cavity Busters recipe, and me promoting the stores that sell it with a very crudely drawn poster.

Perhaps someday the entire production will find its way to the Interwebs, where it can be come back to haunt me if I ever become really famous. Thanks for posting, Spencer.

Blogger Brawl: The Lost Entries, Vol. 2

2010-05-20T18:10:00.003-04:00

Missing out on a chance to have a paid weekly blog on MormonTimes.com was bad enough, but now, it seems if I had reached the finals I could've participated in a super-cheesy Rocky-esque photoshoot. I'm so bummed out.

But at least the contest generated some new content for this blog. Here is the piece I had ready to turn in if I had reached the finals. All links and italicized comments would have been left out of the "real" entry.

Thank you to everyone who has voted so far and helped me reach this point of the competition. It’s been a lot of fun.

A few years ago, while an undergrad at BYU, my roommate Will and I watched a VH1 show ranking the 200 greatest pop culture icons of all-time. While some of the rankings were dubious (JFK was ranked 32nd, but JFK Jr. was #24), the show inspired us to make our own list of the top 200 Mormon pop culture icons. Should I emerge victorious from this Blogger Brawl, and should that list be expanded to one thousand names, I’d like to think I’d have a spot on it. [It's tempting for me to attack that list in the same manner as the top 500 songs list that dominated my blog last year, but I'll try to refrain.]

Around the time we were making our list, I saw an article in the BYU newspaper about Andrea Finch, who had recently been crowned as America’s Junior Miss, and would be enrolling at BYU that fall. I found her address in the online directory and sent her an e-mail, introducing myself and explaining our list.

I told her we hoped to turn it into a show on BYUTV (which was true, but there was basically zero chance of that ever happening) and invited her to be the host, figuring she would be good at it but mainly trying to figure out a way to get a date with a Miss America-type.

Amazingly, she responded, saying she’d be interested if it fit in with her busy public appearance schedule. I replied that the show was still in pre-production and might not make it to air, but I would keep her updated. We had no further contact.

This was not the only time I attempted an elaborate, far-fetched scheme to get a date. I once found a cute game show contestant on MySpace (how did people ever stalk each other before the Internet?) and sent her a message letting her know how much I enjoyed her performance. [I chronicled this in much more detail here.]

Another time, while working as a reporter for the aforementioned BYU newspaper, I was interviewing a really cute girl about her recent victory in a Dancesport competition. I asked her “off the record” if she had a boyfriend, and if she would mind if I asked her out. This was certainly a more realistic scenario, but I chickened out and never called her again. [This was actually a girl I knew, the first one I had a crush on after my mission. I didn't get a date out of it, but to my knowledge the resulting article was the only one I ever wrote to be picked up on UWIRE, which is the college equivalent of the Associated Press.]

Why am I sharing all these stories? To make sure it’s clear that when it comes to dating, I really have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t know any more about dating and relationships than the next guy or girl; chances are I know much less.

So if I’m fortunate enough to get my own column here at MormonTimes, rest assured I won’t make huge generalities, I won’t try to dispense advice, and I won’t get preachy or super-serious. Instead, I’ll just share my experiences as a guy involved in the dating process (while regularly mixing in pop culture references, of course).

I think a lot of people will find what I have to say relatable. I hope some people will find it funny. I know I’ll have a great time doing it. Thanks again for reading and voting.

Blogger Brawl: The Lost Entries

2010-05-14T20:33:00.002-04:00

If you didn't already know it by now, you probably guessed it: I lost in the quarterfinals of the MormonTimes Blogger Brawl. Thank you to everyone who voted for me. It was a pretty fun experience.

Due to the deadlines set by the contest's editor, I had already submitted my semifinal entry and nearly completed my final blog before I was eliminated. They won't go to waste, though. Here's the marvelous piece of prose you would've had the chance to vote for if I had reached the semis.

I am a long-time student of television—literally while in high school and college, but unofficially since I was very young. I watch a lot of TV, and appreciate it for its entertainment value. But I’m also fascinated by the industry itself, and pay close attention to all the little things that go into getting a show on the air.

For example: my mom likes to tell a story that happened when I was five years old. I was in the hospital, and had patiently endured days of tests, needles, and the like, without crying or complaining. But one day I just started bawling uncontrollably.

The event that sent me over the edge? Someone had misplaced the remote, and by the time we found it and turned the hospital TV on, He-Man had already started. It was only a minute or two into the show, but that was late enough to miss the title of the episode, and what’s the point of watching if you don’t know the title? I was inconsolable.

I don't actually recall this event, but I don't doubt its veracity, because my mother is an honest person, and because He-Man was a really great show.

I often think about He-Man when I'm trying to get a date, mainly because I retire to my bedroom so I can have some privacy to call the girl, and once there I see my He-Man pillowcase. I missed the show opening that one time, but I've seen it enough to know that “fabulous secret powers were revealed” to cowardly Prince Adam, transforming him into the fearless hero.

Oh, how I wish I could channel some of those powers when I'm asking someone out (I also wish I had his smile; with just one long tooth in each part of my jaw, I'd never need to floss again). I'm rarely nervous while on a date, but the process of calling a girl to invite her on one terrifies me. When you're on a date, it’s easy to relax because she's set aside that time to spend with you; when you're talking to someone on the phone, there's no way of knowing if you're bothering them—unless they tell you that, which is even more awkward and unpleasant.

You can't see her, so there's no body language cues to pick up on. Plus, I never know how to end the conversation (or begin it, for that matter). Do I get right to the point and ask her out? Do I make small talk first? For how long? After asking, do I make more small talk, or if she said yes do I make my escape as quickly as possible before she can change her mind? I long for the days of high school dances, where the norm was incredibly elaborate methods of asking that allowed me to show off my creativity and avoid any awkward conversations or immediate rejection.

Another of my TV heroes, Batman (the Adam West version), once told Catwoman that "a wife, no matter how beauteous or affectionate, would severely impair my crime fighting." I don't have that excuse. Plus, I know that I need a wife if I ever want to become a "master of the universe." So I'll continue stretching my comfort zone and keep calling girls for dates, using my childhood idols to psych myself up if necessary. And if my dates are ever a little late, I'll do my best not to cry.

Rock the vote...again

2010-05-05T21:07:00.003-04:00

It's time to shamelessly beg for votes again. My quarterfinal matchup is live, and the poll will stay open until Friday at midnight. So vote for me, and spread the word to all your friends! Thanks, you're great!

I'm more nervous about this round than I was for the first two. Unsurprisingly, my competition keeps getting better, and the format of my new post will certainly stand out, but maybe not in a good way depending on people's tastes. Plus, as my friend Tamara pointed out, the song I'm parodying is not exactly current (though I'm confident most of the target audience for this contest will recognize it). I can't coast on talent anymore; at this point it's more about the campaigning. So please vote!

(Some of you probably noticed that I have already used that song as a blog post, about 18 months ago. You may rest assured that my writing is not so much lazy as it is procrastinate-y. I was working on a different blog, but wouldn't have finished it in time for my deadline. So I adapted that old post and sent it in. If I make the semis you'll get to read something even better.)

CC

2010-05-03T00:49:00.002-04:00

I forgot to add a title to my last post. That's weird.

This is my 200th post! To celebrate, I finally made some changes to my blog.

It still looks pretty boring, but considering it's the first time I've changed anything since my blog debuted about 28 months ago, this is pretty significant. Here's what's new:

--I have a new picture! You have to admit, I'm looking pretty good there.

--The banner is no longer misleading (it said I was living in New York, but I've been back in Utah for nine months now).

--I've added a number of blogs I follow to the sidebar. See Marlene, I told you you were forgiven!

--Right above that, I've added a button you can click and become an official follower of Amateur Blog at the Apollo! Go ahead, stroke my ego.

--If you want to leave a comment, you'll now do so in a pop-up window, and fill in one of those word-verification thingies. Now I won't have to reject all the weird spam comments full of weird links and Wingdings. Mmmm....wingdings....

That's it for now. Maybe when I get to post number 400 I'll consider changing the color scheme.

2010-04-30T23:16:00.001-04:00

Since posting on here has become somewhat abnormal for me lately, I figured I'd deviate from the norm even more, and write something serious.

Today is my ordinance anniversary, and this particular anniversary is pretty symmetrical. I was baptized 22 years ago today, and I received my endowment 11 years ago today. As usual, I marked the occasion with a temple visit, this time performing washings and anointings for the dead at the Jordan River Temple.

I don't remember much about my baptism day, but I do remember coming up from the water and asking if I could do it again. Since I can't swim and don't really like water, I'm guessing I wanted to go back under because of the good feeling it produced.

When I received my initiatory ordinances and endowment, I also felt good after, but it was so much to take in that again I don't remember a lot of specifics. I've repeated each covenant that I've made, each ordinance that I've participated in, numerous times for those who died before they could do them for themselves. It's always a pleasant, peaceful experience at worst, and at best a significantly spiritual experience.

But what has been most meaningful to me has been the opportunities I've had to facilitate these experiences for others, whether they're receiving their own ordinances or performing them for the dead. I've been asked by my youngest sister and by a few people I taught on my mission to baptize them, a tremendous honor for me each time. More recently, I also had the privilege of serving as a set apart ordinance worker, for six months in the Manhattan Temple and six months at Jordan River.

Over that year I learned so much more about the temple ordinances and the gospel than I did in ten years as a patron. Each week, my shift had a highly calming, restorative effect on me. It also provided opportunities for meditation, something I almost never make time for in any other situation. Due to my long stretch of unemployment, there were also many weeks when my temple shift seemed like the only worthwhile thing I did. I hope I get a chance to serve as an ordinance worker again at some point.

The temple means a lot to me. It's one of the few things I actually treat with reverence. As the children's song says, I love to see the temple.

(On the off chance that anyone who reads my blog is not a Mormon, to find out more about the terminology and doctrines relating to temples, go here or here, or leave a comment and I'll contact you.)

Tale of two cities

2010-04-23T13:40:00.002-04:00

My 2nd round matchup in the MormonTimes Blogger Brawl is finally up. Check it out and vote for me! The poll closes Sunday at midnight.

I moved out of my parents' house two weeks ago and am finally living independently again. I loved having free room and board and spending a lot of time with my family, but for the last eight months my life kind of felt like it was on pause. So I'm enjoying my transition back to "normal" adult life.

I think most people who read my blog know that I loved living in New York, and were it not for my financial duress I would still be there now. But Utah is also a good place to live, and even beats NYC in a few areas. Just a few that I've noticed in these past two weeks:

--I bought a gallon of milk for $1.66 at WalMart. $1.66! And the expiration date was more than three days past the purchase date.

--My rent payment is less than half of what I paid in New York. And I have my own room, with a bigger closet than the one I shared in Harlem.

--Free laundry, with machines in my own apartment! (I know I technically have to pay for the water and such, but no direct costs.) Doing laundry was probably my least favorite part of living in New York.

--We've finally had a few warm days, and I was reminded how unhumid Utah is.

--There are WAY more people here, in Utah generally and in the singles scene particularly, that are into sports, especially basketball. I might even be able to play my as-yet unused ESPN Scene It game with my new roommates.

Again, let the record show, if an opportunity arose, I would happily return to the East Coast. But Utah is also a very good place to live. And let the record also show that I now have good Internet access, so now the only thing keeping me from blogging more is inertia. So expect more posts soon.

And don't forget to vote!

Bracket Buster Parfait

2010-03-21T00:57:00.002-04:00

Most, if not all, of you who read this already know, but I'll post it here anyway: I won! Well, I won my first round match. I still have to win four more times to be declared the champion of the MormonTimes "Blogger Brawl." But thank you so much for voting for me!

I will next need your help on April 14--and it seems I'll need a LOT of help. They run a Blogger Brawl recap in the weekly print version of MT, and this week it mentioned that my second-round opponent "racked up more votes in his first day of competition than most bloggers get in three days." Yikes.

So I'm doing well in one bracket...but that's about it. My NCAA Tournament picks this year are worse than they've ever been, and that's saying something. I had hoped to run my own personal March Madness in this space like I did last year with sitcoms (this year's theme is still a secret), but I've been pretty busy with work and with looking for an apartment, plus I wouldn't be able to add all the clips and links I want, so it will have to be an April Madness event instead (come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I waited until April for last year's as well).

But I will be able to do it in April, because I finally found the place I want, and will be living on my own again starting April 1 (not an April Fool's joke)! Well, living with roommates. But definitely living in a separate place from my parents. A place with high speed Internet. Which means I'll have no excuse not to blog. Except I'll probably spend the first three weeks watching the episodes of Stewart and Colbert that I missed.

Polls are open

2010-03-12T10:13:00.002-05:00

It's up! Voting for my first round matchup runs through Sunday night. Feel free to visit your local library and vote for me on each of their computers.

Rock the vote

2010-03-02T01:04:00.002-05:00

I made it. I'm one of the finalists for this contest. The article says there will be 16 bloggers brawling for the title, but they've actually expanded it to 32.

The tourney gets under way Wednesday, but my first round match up doesn't start until March 12, a week from Friday. (I'll send out a reminder next week.) At that point, voting will be open for three days, so I'll need your help to advance.

I know the name of the person I'll be competing against, and I'm pretty sure I found her blog. I won't link to it, because I could be wrong, and because I have nothing against her, and I don't want you leaving harassing comments on her poorly spellchecked posts (you know you would).

She's only 20 years old, which means she likely has better access to the demographic that votes for American Idol and in online polls and such. So we need to get the word out--hence the early heads up. Keep checking this space for updates.

(Oh, and I'm aware that I'll be having a birthday before this 20-something contest ends--but I had already planned with just matching my new age up with the year. Twenty-ten is the number that comes after twenty-nine, right?)

My horn, tooted

2010-02-24T23:33:00.000-05:00

I submitted some blogs for a contest earlier this week, and was pleasantly surprised at the feedback I received yesterday.

In his e-mail, the editor said my writing samples "were excellent. You're a great writer and, so far, they don't need too much editing. It's refreshing.

"I don't know if you read a lot of columns or what but your writing already has a quasi-seasoned columnist tone to 'em. Good work."

Oh, and he described the picture I submitted (from last year's hot dog eating contest) as "epic."

Not bad, eh? I should know by the end of the week if I'm a finalist in the contest, and if I win, I could end up being paid to write a weekly blog! I'll definitely keep you all updated.

Thanks for reading my blog--if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be nearly so quasi-seasoned.

Now I'm stepping out this old brown shoe

2010-02-19T22:55:00.000-05:00

Here are more recollections from my internship in New York City in 2003 (check the last post if you're curious what prompted this burst of nostalgia). The previous batch of memories were all directly related to my internship, but this group will be about stuff I did when I wasn't working.

--I (along with the 30+ other interns in my group) lived in a place called International House, I-House for short (although I don't recall ever eating pancakes there). It's located on the fringe of the Morningside Heights neighborhood, and I had to walk into Harlem to get to the nearest train station--125th St. and Broadway, on the 1/9 line (the 9 was still running then), one of the few above-ground stops in Manhattan.

There was a security detail in the station at all times. I'm not talking police--there were heavily armed soldiers there around the clock. It was only about 18 months after 9/11, but I don't know if that's why they were there (they certainly didn't have troops in every station). I could never decide if their presence at 125th made me feel more or less safe.

--It's funny to look back at how nervous I was about setting foot in Harlem, since I ended up living there without fear for a year and a half. My friend Natalie and I checked out Amateur Night at the Apollo one Wednesday, and were both pretty anxious as we walked along 125th back to I-House. So young and naive.

--Speaking of Natalie...she and I worked together at BYU Broadcasting and were very good friends, and we did a lot of fun stuff together in the city. We felt lucky to see Les Miserables on Broadway about two weeks before it closed (I felt a little betrayed when it was brought back just a few years later), we got to sit on the front row at a Letterman taping, and we also went to see the new Blues Brothers (Dan Akroyd and Jim Belushi) at the China Club. I won tickets to that show from the radio station I listened to out there--yes, the same station that produced the top 500 list that monopolized my blog last year.

--A few of us tried to get into a Daily Show taping on standby one afternoon. We would've made it, but one of our group was late, and we waited for them rather than going in. Instead, we were invited to attend a taping of Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn. You probably haven't heard of that show. There's a good reason for that.

--I also saw The Lion King, Aida, Thoroughly Modern Millie, and Beauty and the Beast on Broadway. The Disney productions were my least favorite, but still very good (I probably would've liked Lion King more if I had an actual seat instead of a standing room ticket).

--I've never officially chosen a favorite movie, but circumstantial evidence indicates it's probably A Mighty Wind. It was the first movie I ever purchased on DVD, and it's the only movie I've ever seen more than once in a theater--both times during my internship. If you've never seen the movie, I urge you to do so.

--Those were my first experiences paying $10 or more for a movie, but not everything in new York is overpriced. I caught a number of free performances, most notably a James Brown concert (it was his 70th birthday party).

--Almost everyone's internship started a day or two after we got to New York. But a few of us had an extra day to hang out in the city before we went to work. One of them, a fine arts intern, seemed to be flirting with me fairly heavily that day. And I was definitely cool with that. I was pretty surprised when, a few weeks later, her husband (whose name, as you would expect, is Rocco) flew out to visit her! Though it's not surprising if I was deluding myself about the flirting (it's happened before), she definitely wasn't wearing a wedding ring at the time.

--Mostly, though, my experiences with my fellow interns were fantastic. It was during this time that I met my friend and faithful blog reader Larissa. We did lots of stuff in big groups. I have fond memories of taking the long train ride out for my first Coney Island experience, or of nine of us crowding into a medium-sized limo and paying about $6 each to be driven to dinner in style.

--We had so much fun together that, as spring term drew to a close and we prepared to go our separate ways, I came up with a way to pay tribute to all of the good times we shared. I distributed high school yearbook-style ballots throughout the I-House and prepared trophies (cheap souvenir shop postcards) for our end of internship awards.

There were the standard "Most Likely to Succeed"s and "Most Popular"s and "Best Dressed"s (I won Best Sense of Humor--I promise I didn't rig the voting, there just weren't many funny people out there), but we also had some NY-centric categories.

We voted on who was most likely to get lost on the subway, who was most likely to never leave New York, and who was most likely to become the I-House pub DJ (way to go, Randall Jeppeson!). Larissa was the runaway winner in the Most Likely to Appear on Broadway category. Amazingly, our faculty advisor Kevin Stoker beat me out for Most Likely to Get Booed Off the Stage at the Apollo. I guess we didn't have a very informed electorate.

Jeff Mulcock was voted most likely to win a "Mormy" (awards at the singles wards' film festival that have since been renamed "Lingos"). Jeff stayed in New York, and I'm pretty sure he did win a few. Here's a Lingo from last year that I'm in. The jokes I make were staged, because Garrett the filmmaker kept hearing me make funny comments and then making me repeat them while the camera was rolling. Kind of lame. Here's a classic 2008 Lingo starring my then-roommate Ryan.

That ought to be enough to make my point. That point being, of course, that I love those brown shoes. Oh, and that New York is an amazing place to visit and to live. Hopefully I'll be able to do both again someday.

I'm so glad you came here, it won't be the same now, I'm telling you

2010-02-19T13:24:00.000-05:00

A few posts back I mentioned that I got a new wallet for Christmas, allowing me to throw out the one I'd been using since my junior high days. As a result of that change, these brown shoes are now my longest-tenured accessory.

I bought them from Payless for $19.99 to take with me on my internship to New York--almost seven years ago! I thought they looked really nice, especially for the price, but was surprised when I started getting compliments on them. Everyone loved them! A friend commented positively on them as recently as last fall, until I had her look closely to see all of the scuff marks and scratches. I've checked many times to see if I could get another pair like them, but sadly, it seems they are no more. Payless still carries the brand but not this model. So I'll probably keep wearing these as long as I can. If I replace the laces, they might have a few more good years left in them.

Every time I put them on, I remember that first trip to New York and the great memories I made. Here, in no particular order, are a few of them that, while not deserving of their own post, certainly warrant at least a mention in list format:

--My other favorite physical reminder of my internship is my copy of this article, which ran in YM Magazine (which I think no longer exists). I interned at Today In New York (TINY) on WNBC, a local morning show that ran right before the Today Show. We subscribed to dozens of magazines, which we skimmed through searching for segment ideas. One of the other interns found the article and shared it, and everyone asked me a bunch of questions about the church--the only decent missionary opportunity that arose in the seven weeks I was there.

On the first pages of the article there was a photo illustration showing a girl from the neck down. She was wearing an Avril Lavigne-style tank top (I don't like calling them wife beaters, especially when girls are wearing them. Can we all agree to just call them "Avrils?"), with a "Finding Faith in Christ" pass-along card tucked into her studded leather belt. It was awesome.

--The TINY studio was on the same floor as Conan O'Brien's. I worked two floors above, but sometimes I would need to go downstairs, and more than once I walked past a green room where Conan was lounging, chatting with show staffers.

--A few floors up were the SNL studios. I didn't get into a taping, but I did get to watch a rehearsal for about half an hour one day. Original cast member Dan Akroyd was hosting, and I got to see him work on a Donatella Versace sketch with Maya Rudolph, and I also saw several takes of a Tracy Morgan "Astronaut Jones" sketch.

--There was one glorious day when I was granted respite from the monotony of my usual tasks (searching magazines and the Web for story ideas and logging tapes for pieces on spray tans and eyebrow threading, mostly). We did the show on location at the Belmont race track, just a few hours before local horse Funny Cide attempted (unsuccessfully) to complete the Triple Crown. I was basically the assistant producer for the weather segments, hanging out with the weatherman, a cameraman and sound guy at our spot on the opposite side of the track from the anchor desk, keeping in touch with the executive producer with one of those cool Nextel walkie-talkies.

--We got tons of stuff every day from PR people who wanted us to promote their product on the show: books, movie press kits, candy, makeup, whatever. Once we were done with the item (if we used it at all), it went on the "free stuff counter," and anyone could take it. I got a lot of free books that way, including a weird one called "The Dogs of Babel" about a man who tries to teach his dog English to help him solve his wife's death, and "How To Lose Friends and Alienate People," which was turned into a really crappy movie a couple years ago. (I'm really surprised at how much I disliked the movie, considering I enjoyed the book, and the movie starred Simon Pegg, who I love, Kirsten Dunst, who I loved in everything she did through Spiderman 2, and Megan Fox, whose acting skills are marginal but is very attractive.)

I gave most of the books away to others from my internship group (there were about 35 Comms and Fine Arts students from BYU all living in the same place). "The Devil Wears Prada" went to Hillary Connelly, one of my shoe complimenters and a gorgeous PR intern that I had a crush on.

This is already getting long, so I think I'll do a part two with the rest of my treasured memories.

Pie heaven

2010-02-16T00:41:00.002-05:00

The new seasons of 24 and LOST started within the last few weeks. They're two of the only hour-long scripted shows that I've ever followed, and I highly recommend both of them, including past seasons if you haven't watched them before.

As I've written before, I much prefer watching a show from week-to-week instead of in huge chunks on DVD. I love being able to discuss the most recent episode with fellow fans, and build up anticipation and make predictions about what will happen next. But if a show is already a few years old and you don't have that option, plowing through an entire season of a show in four days also has its charms. That's how I saw the first four seasons of LOST, and the format and pace of 24 particularly lends itself to that kind of viewing.

The only other 60-minute shows I can think of which I've seen every episode of are Glee (which is still in its first season and barely counts), Brisco County (which my dad got for his birthday last week--I'm excited to rewatch it), and two that I watched last year (for one, it was my second time) that I wish to recommend to all my readers.

Twin Peaks and Pushing Daisies (hereafter TP and PD) are pretty different thematically. TP is a serious drama (albeit a drama with frequent funny and quirky moments) centering around a murder investigation, and PD is a comedy about a man with the ability to raise the dead for one minute. However, they have an eerie number of similarities. They're like the Lincoln and Kennedy of underappreciated TV shows.

Both ran for two seasons (TP from 1990-1991, PD from 2007-2009). There were only 30 episodes of TP, and 22 of PD. So if you choose to watch these shows (and you definitely should), it won't be a huge time commitment.

Both shows are set in small towns that have unusually high crime and murder rates, and investigators who solve crimes with a combination of quick wits and supernatural powers.

Both have a very distinct feel, owing to the fantastic music, sets, and costumes used. These aren't your typical small screen shows. The attention to detail, as well as the budget, is high, and as a result each episode almost feels more like a movie than TV show. And every so often a character will break out into song. When it happens on PD, it's usually Olive Snook (played by Kristin Chenoweth), and it's delightful. When it happens on TP, it's usually Leland Palmer or James Hurley, and it's a little creepy, but no less memorable.

There's also a very distinct sense of humor in each show. There's rapid-fire dialogue in PD that just makes you smile. TP is filled with dozens of weird, bizarre moments, as well as a number of sight gags that go on so long, that they start off as strange, move on to agonizing, and eventually loop all the way around to funny.

The casting is excellent on both shows. The lead performers (Kyle MacLachlan in TP and Lee Pace in PD) were relatively unknown before their respective shows, play extremely likable and quirky characters, and will probably both have less impressive careers than I think they ought to (there's still time for Pace to end up with more impressive credits than MacLachlan's roles in The Flinstones, Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, and, of course, Showgirls).

Each show features a strong ensemble cast--Chenoweth, Anna Friel, Chi McBride, Swoosie Kurtz and Ellen Greene (from my favorite musical Little Shop of Horrors) in PD; Lara Flynn Boyle, Sherilyn Fenn, Ray Wise, Peggy Lipton, Miguel Ferrer, Piper Laurie, Russ Tamblyn and others in TP (feel free to consult IMDB if you need to remind yourself who these people are; chances are you know them).

There are also plenty of well-knowns in smaller roles on each show. Those on TP usually had extended, multi-episode cameos, while on PD it was usually one-and-done guest stars.

The likes of Fred Willard, David Arquette, Joel McHale, Paul Reubens, Stephen Root, Mike White, French Stewart, David Koechner, Nora Dunn, Mo Collins and Rachael Harris all show up on PD. David Duchovny, Heather Graham, and Billy Zane were all on TP before becoming super-famous, and David Lander and show creator David Lynch also steal a number of scenes.

Several actors who have made splashes in new sitcoms this year (Jayma Mays on Glee, Eric Stonestreet on Modern Family, and Cougartown's Josh Hopkins) got their feet wet on PD.

You like Seinfeld? Look for Banya on PD, and on TP you'll see both of Susan Ross's parents, Mrs. Choate (the old bag Jerry steals the marble rye from), and Sue Ellen Mischke (the bra-less Oh Henry! candy bar heiress).

Oh, and Willie Garson and the great Molly Shannon were each in an episode of both shows.

Both shows also feature an important unseen character: MacLachlan's Agent Dale Cooper is constantly leaving messages for "Diane" on a personal tape recorder on TP, and Jim Dale's narration on PD is at least as important to and enjoyable on the show as Ron Howard's work on Arrested Development.

My two favorite, bizarre connections between the two shows: both feature a middle-aged, potentially unstable redheaded woman who wears an eye patch; and pie is a crucial element of both programs (nothing like waiting until the 17th paragraph to explain a post's title).

The main character in PD owns and operates a restaurant called The Pie Hole, and a good chunk of each show takes place there. On TP, many of the characters are constantly eating, and they're usually eating pastries. The local diner is legendary for its cherry pie. Sometimes, characters are shown eating four or more slices in one sitting. It's easy to get hungry watching either of these shows.

One final, unhappy similarity: both were cancelled well before they should have been, and it seems that both shows were caught off-guard: each finale was kind of a let-down, with several key story arcs resolved (or left unresolved) in unsatisfying ways.

But I hope that last part won't sour you on the idea of Netflixing these shows. Or borrowing TP from me. Or buying me PD for my birthday. While the final destination for both programs was a little disappointing for me, the ride was so worth it. Just get the first disc of season 1, get yourself a slice of pie and a tall glass of milk, get a friend to watch with you (especially TP--it's probably too scary to watch alone), and enjoy. You can thank me later.

I'm a hungry man, but I don't want pizza

2010-02-13T22:41:00.001-05:00

I'm a bit of a packrat. I never throw anything away. (I'm still only a bit of a packrat because I really don't have that much stuff.) A few weeks ago I was going through some old things, getting them ready to take to my storage unit. I found some notebooks from my college years. There were very few actual class notes in them, a result of my amazing memory and my easy classes.

Instead, they were full of rough drafts of the fliers I made for my Simpsons parties, brackets for Nerf basketball tournaments, and similarly important items. There were also a number of song lyrics, mostly for parodies I never finished.

I was surprised to find a nearly completed original song. Surprised because 1) I never write original lyrics because I have no musical abilities; 2) it actually is pretty good--even though I can't write music, I can hear in my head exactly how it would sound, including a key change; and 3) I wrote it for a girl I had a crush on. This is weird because I have never done this for any other girl, and this wasn't even a major crush. In fact, I wrote the song during a spring term, and during summer term a new girl moved in with this other girl, and I had a much bigger crush on the new girl--even went out with her a few times. But I never wrote her a song.

The notebook also contained one completed parody. As a freshman at BYU, I turned Alice Cooper's "Feed My Frankenstein" (prominently featured in Wayne's World) into a Valentine's Day song and performed it for the girls who came over during visiting hours. But I don't believe I saved the lyrics. A few years later, I tried to do it again. Some parts are pretty similar (as far as I can remember), but the second half of the new version surprisingly became rather dark and stalker-y.

My parodies sometimes do things like that. They're at most semi-autobiographical. I get an idea for a theme, or maybe come up with a line, and then just let the rest develop organically. And sometimes the result is a little creepy.

Anyway, here are the lyrics for the updated (2003) version of "Be My Valentine." Feel free to compare to the original if you're not familiar with it (they're a little PG-13, so be wary).

BE MY VALENTINE

Yes, yes, I know you're hungry...ahh, here comes dinner
Be my Valentine!
I've got a fever, my body's cookin'
Burning with desire, 'cause you're so good lookin'
I'm a lucky man'
Cause I got to meet ya
I'll come to your house
And then I'm gonna treat ya

Take you out to dinner
Wine and dine
Can't believe you're single
Because you're so fine

Be my Valentine
Please stroke my ego
(I'm not psycho)
Be my Valentine
Hungry for love
Won't you please be mine

You don't want me to stalk (you)
Well, baby, what's up
With that? You sent signs with your flirty stuff
Who sent you candy, are you a cheat?
Guess I'll have to stop being sweet
So when you're not ready, when you're home all alone
I'll call and harass you on the telephone

Be my Valentine
Please stroke my ego
(I'm not psycho)
Be my Valentine
Hungry for love
Won't you please be mine

Baby chow down
Hungry for love and it's crunch time

[Repeat chorus]

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Is it iced tea? Then I have no idea

2010-01-15T00:24:00.002-05:00

It's that time of year again. Time for me to get my hopes up and take another shot at fulfilling a lifelong goal. It's time for the what-now-seems-to-be-annual Jeopardy! online contestant search. Everything you need to know about taking the test is on their website. So let's all sign up and take the test together! Unless you're smarter than me...I'd hate it if you passed and I didn't and I had to pretend to be happy for you, like those annoying girls on Idol last night.

Polyga-date

2010-01-14T00:14:00.002-05:00

A new season of The Bachelor started up last week. I read in the newspaper that only one of the 18 Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons has resulted in a marriage. This was viewed as a pitiful success rate, but I'm actually surprised that any of the couples stayed together, since I bet you can count on one hand the contestants whose top priority was finding love, and not just being on TV and becoming G-list celebrities.

These people certainly aren't television's first serial daters. I was watching a Seinfeld rerun the other night, and for some reason got the urge to see how many of Jerry's girlfriends I could think of in ten minutes, and then I took another ten on George, Elaine and Kramer. In just 20 minutes, I came up with 99 romantic interests for the four (43 of them Jerry's).

After the time expired I came up with even more. Some of my most embarrassing omissions from the original list: for Kramer, I forgot the librarian (LOVE the library cop's monologue in that one) and the girl he buys a faulty wheelchair for; I left off Elaine's older boyfriend who has a stroke, and the guy who thinks she smells after she rides in Jerry's B.O. car; I somehow forgot George's piano playing girlfriend (the Pez dispenser episode) and the one he accompanied to the funeral (he double-dipped the chip!), not to mention his flings with the cleaning lady at work and an old man's Senegalese housekeeper; and, worst of all, I somehow failed to come up with Jerry's girlfriend with the talking belly (Helllloooooooo!!) and the woman Jerry drugged in order to play with her toy collection (it's only my all-time favorite episode).

Keep in mind that there were only 180 episodes. That's a pretty impressive track record, especially by the guys. I can understand Elaine not having trouble scoring dates, since she's attractive, fun, and, uh, easy. But George and Jerry...sure, Jerry's character is moderately wealthy and famous, but I don't see many women considering them handsome, and neither of them have very attractive personalities. And it's not like they were dating the riffraff of New York...Jerry went out with a bevy of ladies which included a star from seemingly every show of the '90s (Courtney Cox, Kristin Davis, Teri Hatcher, Lori Loughlin, Debra Messing, Jane Leeves, Jami Gertz, Tawny Kitaen, etc.). More power to them, I guess.

This seems to be the time of year for people to date lots of people at once. At this time last year, my friend Tamara was starting her "31 dates in 31 days" project. Happily, she will be marrying the guy who won the second date this weekend! Congrats, Tamara and Evan! My friend Larissa also set me up with her friend Shayla, who's involved in a similar dating experiment. You can read about our date and, if you want, vote for me to win a second date here.

As far as my dating life goes, I have a few other irons in the fire, kind of. I plan to start attending sacrament meeting in a singles ward. There's also a chance that I could meet someone at work, though that seems unlikely. When I was working evenings while in training, it seemed like there were a lot of weirdos who worked there. But on the overnight shift, there are actually a LOT of good-looking girls. However, talking is basically not allowed on the work floor, and besides my lunch break, the breaks we get are too short to have a decent conversation with anyone. Plus, one of the cute girls seems to try hard to avoid me, which makes me worried that I inadvertently did something to creep her out (I can't be expected to act normally at 3AM, although I know I've never talked to her).

And then there's the temple...since I started working there in October, almost every week one of the older ordinance workers has mentioned to me, knowing that I'm single, that they have a granddaughter or a niece or a neighbor who is single...and that's it. No follow up comments--they just stare at me. How do they expect me to respond? "I'm not picky. Just have her here next week and we'll get married when my shift is over," or maybe "bring in a picture and I'll tell you if she's pretty enough for me"?

But then, last week, the shift coordinator (a quirky old man who looks like David O. McKay and has personal space issues) grabbed my arm and paraded me around in front of the sister workers, and explained that if I am still single when I turn 30 in April I can no longer be an ordinance worker (a relatively new policy). These are mostly all grandmothers, so he wasn't trying to fix me up with them, just helping me network. I already got a name and number from one of them, and may have several more waiting for me this Saturday.

So who knows what will happen. My body isn't hot-tub ready, so I'll likely never be on The Bachelor, but my dating track record and the effort I've put into getting my own dates through most of my adult life indicates I may need some kind of gimmick if I'm ever going to find "the one." That's the good thing, though--whether it takes 18 seasons, or 43 Hollywood starlets, or a different date every day for a month, or just the traditional years and years of swingin' and missin'--you only need to be successful once.

Supervillains

2010-01-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

[Most of this post was written in early November; however, for some reason it wouldn't past from Word into Blogger, and I waited until now to retype it, finishing off the basketball section and adding some links and the Max Hall part.]

Warning: this post is about sports, and will likely be very long. Proceed with caution.

The Yankees won the World Series this week, the 27th championship for arguably the most storied and polarizing franchise in all of sports, at least all of American sports. If you like sports, you have an opinion about the Yankees. You either love them or hate them. For a long time, I have fallen on the "hate" side. However, it's been a down decade, relatively speaking, for the Bronx Bombers. Their last title was in 2000, and I hadn't been in the U.S. when they won the Series since 1998. This lack of recent success, combined with their spectacular collapse in the 2004 playoffs, had softened my dislike of them.

Now, it's back, and it feels great. It's important to have villains in sports, people and teams to cheer against. It's sometimes more fun to cheer against certain teams than it is to cheer on your own--especially when your teams aren't that great. Right now, I'm experiencing the ultimate in sports supervillainy. For the first time ever, the reigning champs in the three major sports I follow are teams I actively dislike. I'm going to break it down sport by sport, explaining why I love certain teams and love to hate others.

BASEBALL

Current Villainous Champion: New York Yankees

Why They're Evil: They win all the time, and it's no fun jumping on a bandwagon, except maybe if they're your hometown team. They spend way more money than everyone else, so it feels like they buy championships more than they earn them by stealing away other teams' best players (by the way, probably every argument I make against the Yanks and the other teams that follow can be refuted, at least to some extent, but being a sports fan involves--at least occasionally--thinking and believing in illogical and irrational ways). With their resources, they're expected to win. Being a Yankee fan seems like it wouldn't bring much more satisfaction than being a Harlem Globetrotters fan. The organization seems to have a smug sense of superiority (and their fans, collectively, do too), from the no-facial-hair policy to keeping the old stadium name on each new version to the "God Bless America" 7th inning stretch. Baseball games are always slow-paced, but Yankee games are interminably long. Their egotistical owner George Steinbrenner is a convicted criminal, and he employs admitted cheaters Alex Rodriguez and Andy Pettitte. Plus, A-Rod thinks he's a centaur.

I should point out that my first and all-time favorite player is Yankee legend Don Mattingly. However, when I began following his career I was too young to be aware of the NYY legacy and Steinbrenner's villainous ways. Plus, he starred in the least successful Yankee era since before Babe Ruth donned the pinstripes, so in a way cheering for Mattingly is like cheering for Yankee futility.

Fellow Evildoers: The Atlanta Braves are the only other MLB team I've ever actively disliked (although the Red Sox adopt more and more unlikeable, Yankee-like characteristics every year). Similar to the Yankees, I just got tired of seeing them in the playoffs every year. The dislike has always been mild, though, because they almost always stunk in the playoffs, and now they don't even reach the postseason.

The Good Guys: The Detroit Tigers are my favorite team, which has resulted in a lot of frustration (a trend amongst all the teams I support, as you'll see). They won the World Series in 1984, a few years before I knew about the game, and made the playoffs in '87 (where I first became a fan), but didn't make it back to postseason play until 2006. In between, they had five or six years when their best player was the immortal Bobby Higginson, followed by a season when they came dangerously close to achieving the worst won-loss record of all time. They also had an epic collapse down the stretch this year and missed the playoffs after losing a tiebreaker to the Twins. [And since I wrote this, they've traded Curtis Granderson, perhaps their most popular player, to--d'oh!--the Yankees!]

In the National League, the Dodgers have been my favorite team since 1988, when they acquired Kirk Gibson, who I had enjoyed watching on the Tigers the previous year. His home run off Eckersley in Game 1 of the World Series that year is the coolest and most memorable sports moment I've ever seen live on TV (followed by John Stockton's 3-pointer against Houston that sent the Jazz to the NBA Finals for the first time, Ron Artest charging into the stands in Detroit, the 2004 ALCS, David Tyree's helmet catch in the Super Bowl, and the time Karl Malone knocked David Robinson out with his elbow--oh, and Harline is still open!). Orel Hershiser was phenomenal throughout that year's playoffs, helping him become my all-time favorite pitcher.

FOOTBALL

Current Villainous Champion: Pittsburgh Steelers [although, since I wrote this, their season fell apart and they missed this year's playoffs!]

Why They're Evil: I'm not sure why I started to dislike the Steelers, or the other teams listed below, although it might have been the prevalence of people wearing those teams' Starter jackets in junior high (although I've never disliked the Dolphins). It might, like the Yankees, have something to do with how historically successful they are, especially in comparison to my favorite teams.

But there are definitely other reasons...wide receiver Hines Ward is probably the dirtiest player in the league, and I can't really put my finger on why, but I don't like Ben Roethlisberger. I also find the Pittsburgh accent to be the most grating of all American accents.

And, of course, there's Super Bowl XL, where the Steelers beat my beloved Seahawks, thanks in large part to incredibly shoddy officiating. I lost a bet with Becky Whitnah on that game, and had to wear a Terrible Towel to ward prayer, which dampened the ensuing open house we hosted (featuring our legendary tater tot pyramid and red velvet Twinkie-Henge).

Fellow Evildoers: I've never liked the Cowboys, Chiefs or Raiders (again, it's the Starter jacket thing). More recently, I've disliked the Ravens, mainly because of my distaste for their arrogant former coach, Brian Billick, and Ray Lewis, who loves to jump on the pile after three teammates have already made the tackle and then celebrate like he just scored the winning touchdown.

Compared to baseball and basketball, though, my dislike of these NFL teams--including the Steelers--is pretty mild.

The Good Guys: When I was a kid I used to copy my older brother in any way that I could. This bothered him, and so when he inexplicably became a Mariners fan, I started rooting for the Seahawks as a covert form of imitation (since both teams are based in Seattle). At the time I knew that Steve Largent was the best wide receiver in the league, and he became my favorite player, even though I had virtually no understanding of the game of football at the time.

Just as in the other sports, I had stumbled into a frustrating fandom. The 'Hawks were awful throughout most of the '90s, then underachieved through much of the next decade, until finally reaching the Super Bowl in '06, only to have their dreams shattered by Willie Parker and some shady/incompetent refs.

My other favorite teams are equally jinxed: I attached myself to the Bills in 1990 (admittedly a bandwagon jump), a season which ended with the first of four straight Super Bowl losses. I also liked the Oilers, who finally reached the big game in 1999...exactly two years after moving from Houston to Tennessee, and one year after ditching the Oilers moniker. Oh, and they fell one yard short of sending that game into overtime. I also was a Barry Sanders fan, but thankfully had stopped considering myself a Lions supporter long before last year's squad went 0-16.

BASKETBALL

Current Villainous Champion: Los Angeles Lakers

Why They're Evil: Once again, the main reason for the hate is their success. I probably wouldn't care about the Lakers if they weren't a perennial title contender. But their roster is and has been stocked with plenty of villains: Kobe Bryant, like Michael Jordan is unbelievably talented but completely unlikable; coach Phil Jackson is one of the most condescending figures in all of sports; James Worthy is considered one of the 50 greatest players ever, because he was lucky enough to play with Magic Johnson; Doug Christie's wife got in fights with other players; they kept Karl Malone from finishing his career in Utah and didn't even win him a title; and Jack Nicholson won't take his dang sunglasses off indoors.

There's also Shaq, of course. I used to defend him as a good player, even after he punched Greg Ostertag right before the season opener one year. I used to think he got a bad rap (and derived much enjoyment from his actual bad rapping), and enjoyed his sense of humor. Shaq is funny--when things are going his way. When they're not he's just a big, surly guy who has proven he's not above stabbing teammates and organizations in the back. He puts no effort into conditioning, and the fact that he's never improved his free throw shooting, even a little, speaks volumes about his skill level and work ethic.

Special mention here for Derek Fisher. He's a good guy, someone I kind of liked during his first tour with the Lakers. But then he ended up traded to the Jazz, and made it clear from the beginning that he wasn't happy about playing in Utah (he certainly wasn't the first to express that sentiment, but that's no excuse). But Fisher's a pro, and he played hard and played great for the Jazz, helping them get to the conference finals. But his daughter got sick, which he obviously didn't want to happen, but he was happy to exploit her condition as an excuse to get out of his contract (a very magnanimous move by the Jazz).

He claimed that he wanted to be closer to better hospitals so he could take care of his family. The hospitals in Salt Lake City might not be considered the best, but they're very good. And if he was serious about the care of his daughter being his primary motivation for leaving Utah, why didn't he take the next year off of basketball? Why did he sign with the Lakers, and then proceed to play every game--meaning he was on the road away from his family for about half the season? Couldn't he have done the same thing while playing for Utah? Of course, I probably wouldn't be annoyed by this at all, except that year, the Lakers beat the Jazz in the second round of the playoffs, while if you took Fisher's contributions away from the Lakers and added them to Utah, the opposite result would have been likely.

Fellow Evildoers: As much as I dislike the Lakers, they're still a long way off being my least-favorite team in basketball and all of sports. That distinction belongs to the San Antonio Spurs. The Spurs have been the biggest rival/thorn-in-the-side for the Jazz over the years. And over the last decade or so, it would be hard to even call it a rivalry, as the matchup was pretty one-sided in San Antonio's favor. (Grrr!) To make matters worse, the team is run by Gregg Popovich, one of the grumpiest and most boring coaches/executives I've ever seen, and he's filled his squad over the years with some of basketball's most detestable players.

They've had more than their fair share of floppers: Manu Ginobili is perhaps the worst flopper of all time, but don't forget about Fabricio Oberto and Beno Udrih, who once flopped into Andrei Kirilenko's knee, effectively ruining Utah's season. There's Bruce Bowen, a marginally talented thug, and Mario Elie and Robert Horry, two guys who also seemed to possess limited skills, but always ended up hitting clutch 3-pointers and winning championships. Don't forget Avery Johnson's annoying voice or the one-dimensional games of Sean Elliott and Tony Parker. Last but not least is superduperstar Tim Duncan, a guy I'm sure I'd love if he played for my team, but since he's a Spur I always feel like punching his weird face with its weird beard, especially when he's whistled for a foul and he adopts this incredulous look, as if he's saying, "I'm Tim Duncan. You couldn't possibly be calling a foul on me." He does that EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I also had a hearty dislike for the Bulls during the Jordan era, but MJ, Pippen, Rodman and Jackson all left at the same time, and it was a brand new squad almost instantly.

The Good Guys: I love the Jazz, the one local major league franchise. Like my other favorites, they've never been able to win the big game, but they've been very good for most of my life. I really wish they had been able to knock off the Bulls; I'm convinced they had a more talented team, but Jordan just wanted it more (it's a tired sports cliche, but I really believe it's true in this case). Now I really wish they would stop giving contract extensions to Jerry Sloan. He stopped being an effective coach three or four years ago.

For some reason, I also adopted the Knicks as my second-favorite team and Patrick Ewing as my favorite player. I realize now that those early- and mid-nineties Knicks squads were a bunch of bullies who actively tried to make basketball less fun to watch. I would love to cheer for them as a New York resident, though, if given the chance.

I really do believe sports is more enjoyable when you have heated rivalries and villains to cheer against. Which is why I couldn't understand the fallout from Max Hall's "classless" comments after the BYU-Utah football game.

Um, hasn't it been billed as the "Holy War" since before Max was born? If we're going to hold sporting events where there are winners and losers, how can we get angry when someone gets caught up in the competition, and decides he doesn't like his opponent?

I wish his apology had been something more along the lines of "I'm sorry that I showed myself to be classless by sharing in public the feelings I've had in private for years," or "I'm sorry I used the word 'all' instead of 'many' or 'most' or 'generally speaking' when labelling Ute fans and players as classless. I'm sure there are some good people involved with the University of Utah program, but overall I don't like them." Even though he apologized, I doubt his feelings have actually changed.

By the way, across the pantheon of all sports, I'm a BYU fan, more so than I am for any of the teams mentioned above. Go Cougars! Beat those villainous Utes every chance you get!

Zippity-ay and hidey-ho

2010-01-11T23:27:00.001-05:00

My blog turned 2 about a fortnight ago! With a birthday so close to Christmas, it's easy to overlook it. But happy 2nd, ABATA!

I don't think this space will be immune from the terrible twos, if that means my blog will be running around, making noise and getting into all kind of mischief. But the writing and the jokes will be as "good" as ever.

I reluctantly admit that it's grown out of its baby clothes, so I promise to change the picture at least once this year, and to update my blog roll by the beginning of spring. And, if I'm still in Utah when birthday #3 rolls around, there's a good chance I'll change the name too.

Oh, and the best gifts you can give are comments on the posts. That, and anything from Hot Topic. He loves that stuff.

Live from the yellow carpet

2010-01-11T22:32:00.000-05:00

Because when your favorite TV show of all time celebrates its 20th anniversary, you kinda have to dress up. (Hmm, looks like I should cut back on Homer's patented, out-of-this-world space-age moon waffles. Aye caramba!)

Family ties

2010-01-02T22:22:00.000-05:00

Remember the talk given by Bishop Burton at the last General Conference? The one where he described a Primary teacher who helped him learn the 13th Article of Faith? And later on in his life was his neighbor?

Well, I just learned today that that teacher and neighbor was my great aunt, Nelly Clark! How cool is that?

Unfortunately, I learned this at Aunt Nelly's funeral. As far as funerals go, it wasn't too bad for me--I got all of the non-potato benefits (contemplating the plan of salvation, feeling the Spirit, hearing tributes to a woman who lived a good life, and most of all, being with family, including cousin Rachel--Nelly's granddaughter--who sang and was amazing) and not really any of the sadness, since I didn't know her well (I probably hadn't spoken to her since I was 9 or 10, back when we were still attending the extended family Christmas parties).

When I think or talk about my ancestors and extended family, the first name that comes up, understandably, is Mark Hofmann. Not many people, especially in the LDS church, have relatives as fascinating or notorious as him.

But he's the black sheep. It's nice to know that I come from a family line that includes people who were faithful to the Lord and raised good families, and even taught and inspired future General Authorities.

I only know a little about my ancestors, but what I know I like. For example, my great-grandfather Hofmann was the first on my dad's side to join the church. The bits of his journal I've read include him being arrested for preaching the gospel, teaching the gospel in the hospital after being wounded while fighting (for Germany) in World War I, and treating his marriage proposal as if he were extending a mission call (which I guess would make it harder to turn down; I'll have to remember that one).

All this, combined with the extra time I've been able to spend at the temple as an ordinance worker, has given me a stronger desire to get more involved in family history work than I've ever had. I probably won't do anything about it, but it's comforting to know that, at least briefly, I wanted to.

Tonight we're going to party with songs from 1980-1999

2009-12-31T22:34:00.000-05:00

As the decade draws to a close (or enters its final year, depending on how you want to look at it), let's take one final look back...at the pop music from the two previous decades that I've been chronicling all year. I'm sure most of you have been compiling your own data as the top 500 countdown went along, but please bear with me anyway.

Best Artist: Madonna, 17 songs in the top 500

Runners Up: Bon Jovi and Janet Jackson, 10 each; Michael Jackson and Prince, 8 each

Honorable Mention: George Michael had 9 entries when his solo stuff (including his duet with Elton John) is combined with his work with Wham!.

In all, 280 groups and solo performers made the list, 191 of them with just one song.

Best year for music: 1987 and 1988 had 36 songs each, but'88 gets the nod since 2 songs from other years were rereleased that year (although its top-ranked song was #39).

Worst year: 1981 (8 songs, highest #73) and 1980 (10 songs, highest #56) got the shaft. There were just 16 hits from '99 included, but that year did produce the "#1" song and five others in the top 80.

Most overrated songs: The choice of "Smooth" as #1 is still baffling, but to me it's more fitting than "Iris" at 6, and infinitely more appropriate than "Two Princes" as #11.

Most underrated songs: I'm not surprised "Wannabe" and "The Final Countdown" appeared back to back on the list, but I would expect it to be much, much higher than 462 and 463. Bowie's "Modern Love" is a top 40 song in my mind, but was only ranked #439.

Best one-hit wonder: Santana and Peter Gabriel both cracked the top 10 with their only songs on the list, but they aren't really one-hit wonders. If Natalie Imbruglia was a one-hit wonder (I don't recall anything else by her), she wins this category by placing 12th; otherwise the award goes to The Rembrandts at #50.

Most glaring omission: I know some were surprised at the absence of "Smells Like Teen Spirit," but the pop bent of the station and their list make the inclusion of a few Poison, White Lion and Pearl Jam songs more surprising than any metal, grunge or alternative artists who were left out. No, the most inexplicable omission (noticed by my brother) is the absence of Lionel Richie from the list.

That's right, we had three songs each from Bananarama and Jewel, but no "All Night Long." Four each by Billy Idol, Don Henley and Richard Marx, but no "Hello." Five Paula Abdul songs made the list, but there was no room for "Dancin' on the Ceiling." Crazy.

Well, I think that's it. If you want any additional statistical analysis, contact me privately, because this topic will not be addressed on my blog in 2010. Happy New Year, everyone!

Checking it twice

2009-12-31T00:28:00.002-05:00

For those of you wondering if I was a good boy in 2009, here's a brief report on what Santa and his helpers brought me on Christmas morning.

My wish list was mostly composed of themes, categories, etc.; I only asked for four specific items, and I got them all:

--A new watch. I used to wear a watch all the time, and felt kinda naked when it wasn't on. But I've been using my phone to tell time since my last watch broke about five years ago. But now, I spend a lot of time in places (the temple, work, my primary classroom) where it's helpful to know what time it is but I can't have my phone out.

--A new wallet. I got my first "big boy" wallet in junior high, and have been using it ever since. The final plastic picture holders fell out recently, which is fine, since I haven't had any wallet-sized photos for about a decade. This new wallet is thinner, which I like, but it's wider, so it doesn't fit as well in my front pockets. I'll still cram it in there next time I'm in New York, though. It's weird--from the time I first started carrying a wallet, I've always been paranoid about it being stolen. I'd be walking through the halls in high school between classes, and I'd feel for my wallet every two minutes to make sure it was still there. I must have been really worried about losing my lunch tickets.

--Season 12 of The Simpsons on DVD, the most recent release (they're on season 21 right now). This season includes such classics as the one where Homer becomes the mayor of New Springfield, the one where the Simpsons get a tennis court, and the one where Bart joins a boy band and is mentored by *NSYNC ("those whack invertebrates will sting you old school"). When I get the DVDs, I've already seen the episodes many times, so I like to watch the episodes with the commentary on and see if they talk about the jokes and moments that I liked best, but they usually just make fun of the people who critique the show on the Internet.

--The Book of Basketball, by Bill Simmons (my favorite sports writer). It's quite an opus--over 700 pages long, weighs about three pounds, and while promoting it on a TV show back in October, they showed that it will even stop a bullet. But you need that kind of space to discuss important things like the 33 biggest "what-ifs" in NBA history (no. 7: what if Julius Erving played with Pete Maravich?) and who the 95th best NBA player of all time is (Jo Jo White). In other words, probably less than 2% of the people who read this blog would be interested in reading this book.

Add in the '80s edition of those "Scene It" DVD games, a zip-up BYU hoodie, and a book of puzzles based on New Yorker cartoons, and it was merry Christmas for Jeff.

How about you? Did y'all manage to stay off of the naughty list?

Hey little sister, what have you done?

2009-12-21T15:48:00.003-05:00

My sister Julie got married last month. I hope she doesn't construe my waiting for six weeks to blog about it as an indication of my feelings about her and the importance of her big day. She is now Julie Chavez, the wife of Jaben Chavez. My new brother-in-law is a good guy. Our moms served together on the stake primary presidency long before Julie and Jaben met (as coworkers at the University of Phoenix). They dated for several years before they got married, and I'm glad he's now officially part of our family.

It was a day I'm sure Julie and Jaben will never forget, but it was memorable for me too. Some of the things that stick out in my mind:

--I won $100 in a radio contest, which allowed me to have one of the four boxes I left in New York shipped to me. My suit was in it, and after getting it dry-cleaned, it felt like the material was about 40% lighter than I remembered. I know that it's the same suit, but it doesn't feel like the same suit. Kind of weird.

--Wedding planning is very complex, at least for the bride and her family (i.e., my mom). I wouldn't describe Julie's wedding and associated events (reception, showers, etc.) as excessive or overly elaborated, but she was busy non-stop for two months getting ready for it. But (at least from my perspective) everything turned out well, so it was worth it.

--I was asked to be the usher for the wedding. Not AN usher, THE usher. Or, as I liked to say, just plain Usher. My idea of wearing jeans, a white blazer, and a baseball cap with a script "A" on it was unfortunately shut down. These are my confessions: I was a terrible usher. By the time I showed up a bunch of people were already there, coming in and out of the chapel. I didn't know who was an employee of the reception hall and who was a member of the groom's family. Someone asked me where the bathroom was and I didn't know. I stationed myself at the only main entrance to the chapel, but there was an opening in the back where the chapel and reception area connect, and most people walked through that. I didn't really do anything positive in my usher role, but fortunately it didn't have any negative impact on the ceremony.

--The ceremony, performed by the bishop of my ward, was cheerful, tender and classy, so obviously someone like me would have nothing extra to say about it.

--My sister has a lot of friends! There were way more people at the reception than I figured there would be. And they hooked the new couple up with lots and lots of presents. Almost makes me want to get married too.

--Speaking of which...there are six kids in my family. My brother Adam is the 2nd; he got married five years ago. Julie is 4th oldest. The rest of us are single. Perhaps sensing that us odd-numbered kids are, well, odd, it was the youngest, my sister Chelsea, who had the most people ask her when she was getting married. I think she ended up with the bouquet too, so things are looking up for her. My brother Derek and I were as clumsy in going for the garter as we are in our attempts at dating.

--The food at the reception was tremendous. Five or six kinds of cheesecake, mini eclairs, brownies, and more...and since I have an in with the bride, we got to take home a lot of the leftovers.

--My brother recorded the ceremony, but turned the camcorder over to me for the reception. It was so much fun. I hadn't used a video camera in about three years, probably. I miss looking for and framing good shots, capturing funny moments on tape, and creating my own funny moments with my commentary. Maybe I'll get a camera for Christmas. I forgot to put it on my list, but Santa knows what we need before we even ask him. Wait, I might be thinking of someone else.

--Last but not least...there's the photographer, Margo. Even before the wedding, my sister had told me that the photog was cute and that I should ask her out. At the wedding and reception, I heard the same thing, independently, from my brother, my aunt, and a few other people. It was kind of weird. She was very attractive (still is, I suppose)--she's even a redhead, which is often a major plus for me--and she's clearly talented (these pictures were taken by her), but I didn't do it, for several reasons: 1) She was busy, and I didn't want to distract her from her job. 2) I've never been the kind of guy to approach women I don't know and ask them out. Probably one of the reasons I'm still highly unmarried, because it can be hard to date your friends. 3) The fact that so many people urged me to do it resulted in natural resistance on my part. 4) Finally, the lukewarm-at-best reaction I got on the two attempts I made to interact with her made me reluctant to try anything further.

Most of the staged picture taking took place in the hour or so between the end of the ceremony and beginning of the reception. Several young nieces and nephews were part of the wedding party, and at one point Margo called out, "ok, I need all of the cute kids up here for this picture." I dutifully walked to the stage, but rather than laugh at my joke she said that she had asked for the cute kids. Later on, I was interviewing people for the reception video. I walked over to the couch where she was talking with my Aunt Anna, and asked if they had anything to say to the bride and groom. She said no thanks and walked away. So that was that.

My aunt had actually had a lengthy conversation with her, and while trying to get me to ask her out later on told me what she had learned about her, including the fact that she also worked for JetBlue as a reservations agent--a job I had applied for a few weeks earlier. Since the reception, I have attended an information session/interview with JetBlue, where Margo and I saw each other again and again did not speak to each other. I've been offered the job, and I accepted, with a training class starting late February.

So there's an off-off-off-off-off chance that this part of the story isn't over, but the most important aspect of this new job is that, after training, I would get to work from home. This will require a high-speed Internet connection, so I have a few weeks to convince my parents to let me do it (at which time I would probably switch to part-time at the post office). If this happens, it will be huge for me, meaning, among other things, much more regular blogging. So keep your fingers crossed. Until I can find someone who suits me as well as my sister and her husband suit each other, the The Internet is the closest thing I have to a significant other, and this separation has been painful.

Congratulations, Julie and Jaben! Thanks for providing content for my blog. You two are great, and you're great together.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2009-12-21T02:04:00.002-05:00

Let me tell you about a dream I recently had.

I don't remember my dreams very often. When I do remember something, it's usually just the gist of it, then when I'm in that pleasant state between being asleep and awake, I semi-consciously enhance and embellish the narrative. So this dream is probably not completely authentic, but it's not totally made up either. It certainly is an accurate representation of my feelings towards certain letters to the editor and commentaries from TV pundits that you see this time of year. Anyway...

In my dream I was working in retail (so I guess it was actually a nightmare). It was probably ShopKo, since I was wearing a red shirt, I worked there when I was in high school, and I only had one customer in my line even though I was the only cashier working. (Seriously, I don't know how the chain as a whole is faring, but I will be shocked if the store by our house isn't closed within two years. It's a ghost town in there.)

Technically, I had two customers, a husband and wife who appeared to be in their late 40s or early 50s. They paid for their stuff, I gave them their change, and wished them "happy holidays." The man then said, "Oh, so you're one of those people who is afraid to say 'Merry Christmas,' huh?" It must have been the end of a long shift, or my shoes were a few sizes too small like the Grinch's, or maybe I'm just a jerk, but I went off on an epic rant. The following retelling probably isn't verbatim, but it's close:

"You're offended that I said happy holidays instead of merry Christmas? Seriously? Why would you care which generic salutation you receive from someone you don't even know? Besides, what is bad about saying happy holidays? Christmas is a holiday, right? When I say happy holidays, doesn't it imply that I wish you a merry Christmas, plus a bonus wish for a happy New Year? Does that mean you'd be even more offended if I said something with no celebratory implications at all, like 'Have a good night' or 'Thanks for shopping with us'? That's what I usually say to people. Just because I chose to say one thing, it doesn't preclude me from meaning something else that I didn't say. And, to be honest, I DON'T really mean it when I say these things. I don't want you to have a bad Christmas, but whether it's merry or not really has no impact on me. So you would rather have me insincerely wish you a merry Christmas, in a sense taking the Lord's name in vain? You want me to break one of the Ten Commandments, just to make you feel good?! Well, fine! HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!"

Happy holidays, everyone!

The final countdown

2009-12-14T14:18:00.002-05:00

Nothing like finishing up a long series of posts with a little momentum, huh? I'm pretty well adjusted to my work schedule now, but I now am sleeping at the time I used to go to the library to use the Internet. To make matters worse, I've typed several full or partial blog posts on Word, but for some reason they aren't pasting into Blogger. So I have a lot of stuff I want to put up here, but I'm not sure when it will happen.

As for my last post...I can't believe I failed to use the presence of "My Heart Will Go On" to make a comparison between Titanic and the Twilight movies, and how I'm one of the few who has never seen either. Even more unforgivable, though, I got two Savage Garden songs mixed up. I'm so ashamed.

But enough about that, though. Back to the matter at hand. We've finally reached the end. The final installment of our pop song countdown. For those of you just joining us, I've been reprinting, with my added commentary, a countdown of the top 500 songs of the '80s and '90s, as played by New York City radio station WPLJ over Memorial Day weekend in 2003.

Much thanks to PLJ for providing about 1/3 of my blog content over the last six months, and to anyone who actually read every post. Let's find out which songs got the top spots.

#25-1

25. “Save The Best For Last,” Vanessa Williams (1992)
Pretty serendipitous placement for this rather forgettable song.
24. “Jump,” Van Halen (1984)
23. “The Sign,” Ace Of Base (1994)
I may have already written about this in a previous installment, but it's surprising how much I dislike Ace of Base in light of how much I like their fellow Swedes ABBA and Roxette. Was there a big Swedish pop act this decade? I'd hate to see the streak end.
22. “Summer Of ’69,” Bryan Adams (1985)
In case you were wondering...Mr. Adams was 9 years old in the summer of 1969. What a prodigy!
21. “Nothing Compares 2 U,” Sinead O’Connor (1990)
20. “Eye Of The Tiger,” Survivor (1982)
19. “Ironic,” Alanis Morissette (1996)
18. “Against All Odds,” Phil Collins (1984)
17. “Semi Charmed Life,” Third Eye Blind (1997)
16. “One Sweet Day,” Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men (1995)
15. “3 AM,” Matchbox Twenty (1998)
14. “Every Breath You Take,” Police (1983)
13. “Torn,” Natalie Imbruglia (1998)
12. “Open Arms,” Journey (1982)
11. “Two Princes,” Spin Doctors (1993)
This might be my least favorite song on the list. If it was #311, I would've thought it was too high. Man, '90s pop music was disappointing.
10. “I Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston (1992)
9. “Beat It,” Michael Jackson (1983)
8. “In Your Eyes,” Peter Gabriel (1986, 1989)
Ah, the theme song from my junior prom. Last Sunday, I had a visitor in my Primary class--the 9-year-old daughter of my prom date, whose parents are in my ward. She has a 9-year-old! And has been married for 11 years! She must have wanted to make sure I didn't ask her out again. By the way, I enjoyed SNL's updated take on the most famous movie scene involving this song (near the end of this episode, they don't have a separate clip of the sketch).
7. “Crazy For You,” Madonna (1985)
It's good to see most of the seminal acts of the era (Madge, MJ, Mariah, Whitney, the guys from Genesis) represented at the top of the list, but I'm not sure if they chose the right song for any of them.
6. “Iris,” Goo Goo Dolls (1998)
Seriously? #6? If not for Spin Doctors, this might be the most overrated song of the list. If they ever struggle to stay relevant, they could change their name to the Google Dolls. Then, for once, I would agree with someone saying a band has "sold out."
5. “Everything I Do (I Do For You),” Bryan Adams (1991)
Really? Two songs in the top 25? I guess you were right all along, Joey. Bryan Adams is awesome. This is also the highest ranked song that they made us sing at 6th grade graduation ("That's What Friends Are For" and "From A Distance" were the others).
4. “Let’s Go Crazy,” Prince (1984)
I'm kind of surprised that Prince got the respect he deserves on this list. When they play this song with the full "Dearly beloved..." intro on the radio, it's a rare treat.
3. “You Oughta Know,” Alanis Morissette (1995)
Two top 20 songs for Alanis too. If she did a duet with Bryan Adams, it might have been the biggest song ever!
2. “Livin’ On A Prayer,” Bon Jovi (1987)
Speaking of SNL, I can't believe they didn't go with the easy, obvious, and guaranteed laughs of a Bon Jovi-Jon Bovi showdown when Jon, Richie and the rest were on the show last week. This is a great song, and it's not a big surprise that it was ranked this high.

And now...here it is...the top song...

1. “Smooth,” Santana/Rob Thomas (1999)
I actually like this song. It's pretty good. It works for karaoke, and you can groove to it at a dance. But is it the best pop song, not just of 1999, or of the 1990s, but of the '80s AND '90s? I don't know of anyone that would say that. Especially considering this list was made in 2003, when this song was just four years old, making it impossible for it to have had a long-term impact like a lot of other, worthier candidates. Oh well.

That's it. 500 songs. It's been a long ride. Not sure if, ultimately, it was worth making the journey, but at least we had some good mixtapes to keep us company along the way.

Hey 19

2009-11-24T13:57:00.001-05:00

So close to the end! Only the best of the best of the best songs remain...in theory. You still have a little more time to guess the songs that you think earned the top spots on the list.

#50-26

50. “I’ll Be There For You,” Rembrandts (1995)
It hasn't been the Rembrandts' day, week, month, or year for a long, long time. Unless you count residuals from syndicated Friends reruns.
49. “Total Eclipse Of The Heart,” Bonnie Tyler (1984)
I've linked to this before, but I'll do it again: one of the best songs ever, made even better with a literal music video.
48. “Cryin’,” Aerosmith (1993)
47. “Jack & Diane,” John Mellencamp (1982)
The ultimate song about being young in the Midwest. Right, Jill? Does John Cougar come from the Midwest? And maybe Utah isn't a midwestern state, because here we eat our chili dogs, rather than sucking on them.
46. “Straight Up,” Paula Abdul (1988)
45. “Every Morning,” Sugar Ray (1999)
44. “I Love Rock N Roll,” Joan Jett & the Blackhearts (1982)
43. “Vogue,” Madonna (1990)
42. “I’ll Be There For You,” Bon Jovi (1989)
41. “Waterfalls,” TLC (1995)
40. “Faith,” George Michael (1987)
My friend Collin is a talented animator and filmmaker; he used this song in a fun birthday present to himself.
39. “Like The Way I Do,” Melissa Etheridge (1988, 1995)
38. “You’re Still The One,” Shania Twain (1998)
37. “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” Def Leppard (1987)
36. “Miss You Much,” Janet Jackson (1989)
35. “Truly Madly Deeply,” Savage Garden (1998)
The best musical tribute to Cherry Cola ever made. That I know of.
34. “Here I Go Again,” Whitesnake (1987)
One of the few metal songs to make the list, and I bet it's all because of Tawny Kitaen. This song--the finale of the opening act--is also the highlight of "Rock of Ages," which I saw not long after mildly ripping on Constantine in this space. He was definitely the standout in a pretty mediocre show.
33. “When Doves Cry,” Prince (1984)
32. “Only Wanna Be With You,” Hootie & the Blowfish (1995)
31. “My Heart Will Go On,” Celine Dion (1998)
30. “Billie Jean,” Michael Jackson (1983)
Not quite top 10, but good guess, Janelle.
29. “Losing My Religion,” R.E.M. (1991)
28. “Slide,” Goo Goo Dolls (1999)
27. “Like A Virgin,” Madonna (1984)
26. “Centerfold,” J. Geils Band (1982)
Yet another of my karaoke favorites.

Give, said the little stream

2009-11-22T10:30:00.000-05:00

Around the same time I was hired on at my new job, I also finally received a new church calling. I didn't push to get one earlier, because I figured I would start attending a singles ward as soon as I could afford car insurance and could drive myself there. But that never happened, and I'm glad I waited.

For the first time ever, I am a Primary teacher. Another Brother and I are team-teaching the 9-year-old class, and in January they are consolidating some classes (my ward is mostly old people, with a very small Primary), and we will be in charge of the 9-, 10-, and 11-year-old boys.

Teaching positions are my favorite callings to have in the Church. It gives me purpose and focus in my gospel study, as well as a performance venue of sorts. And I love kids, so teaching Primary has been a desire of mine for a long time. I taught my class for the first time two weeks ago, and I think it went pretty well. I love the official Church curriculum; there's always more than enough material to choose from (probably my least favorite thing to hear a church teacher say is "we need to keep going, there's a lot of stuff we have to get through"). This is even more true in Primary manuals: each lesson includes at least four stories and seven or eight optional activities, in addition to your own ideas (oh, and maybe teaching a principle or two). It's great.

We were called just in time to help out with this year's sacrament meeting program, which will happen later today. It should be good, but I doubt it will compare to the one I watched my nieces in back in September. It was by far the best primary program I have ever seen.

There was so much to like. The kids were all cute, and it was fun to predict what they would be like when they hit high school ("that girl will be such a flirt;" "he's definitely a future Mathlete"). Nearly every kid sang loud, and you could tell the ones who weren't singing were just shy, not unhappy or embarrassed to be there. (That means that none of them had older siblings trying to distract them, making them think they had stuff on their face--yes, I still remember that, Adam.) It seemed like they had all practiced their parts (and my nieces Abbi and Lacey did great). There was even a group of five older boys who belted out "Army of Helaman." Very impressive.

So the primary leaders in Hyrum, Utah, are clearly doing a great job of brainwashing. That word has negative connotations and might be a tad harsh, but I think it's pretty accurate. Kids are easy to influence, you might even say to manipulate--and because that's the case, it's important that they have strong, positive influences in their lives. (Which is why it doesn't surprise me that some parents thought President Obama's speech to school children would result in brainwashing; I was just stunned that so many Utahans thought his message to work hard and do your best in school would have a negative impact.) Primary is a form of "good" brainwashing. And I'm happy to finally be a part of it.

So I'm anticipating an outstanding primary program this afternoon, after which I can get to work on what could be my lasting legacy for the entire Primary: a less clunky version of "Latter-day Prophets," which became awkward when they stuffed Pres. Hunter's name into the last verse, and two additional prophets have since been crammed in. Janice Kapp Perry ain't got nothing on me.

The postman always blogs twice

2009-11-21T11:55:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be honest...my new job is pretty uninteresting, and I probably wouldn't have done more than mention it in passing if it weren't for my orientation. I'm pretty confident that my first six hours on the job will prove to be the most memorable.

For starters, they made all of us (the 50-ish data conversion operators that were all hired together) take a loyalty oath. Not just a pledge to keep the rules and regulations of the postal service, but we raised our right hands and vowed to uphold the Constitution. It felt kind of like joining a cult. Sean Hannity would have been proud.

After a few hours of learning various policies and procedures, taking building tours, and other typical orientation activities, we wrapped up the day with a few videos. There were two designed specifically for the position we had been hired to, made in the early '90s when the Remote Encoding Centers were created. They were delightfully cheesy, but nothing compared to the other two.

One was a sexual harassment presentation. Or, I guess more accurately, an anti-sexual harassment presentation. The scenarios displayed were so entertaining, and now I finally know what "quid pro quo" means. The video, clearly produced sometime in the '80s, even introduced the revolutionary concept that women can sexually harass men! Who'd have thunk it?

The final, and by far the best, video was called "Is It Worth It?"--a warning to all new postal employees about the consequences of stealing mail. This was automatically amusing, because we never physically handle any pieces of mail in our building. But even if I had the chance, I wouldn't do it--not after host Edward James Olmos, in all his Miami Vice glory, explained the dire consequences.

Postal employees who work in various aspects of the mail delivery process were shown stealing mail--tucking envelopes into their shirts, or stuffing them up pant legs, or wrapping packages in their coats. Their situations were described by Olmos and sounded something like this: "Joe Postman has worked as a mail sorter for six years. All of his coworkers think he's a hard worker and a good friend. He and his wife are planning a trip to Hawaii for their upcoming anniversary--or are they?!" There are people determined to stop these mail thieves, and Crockett and Tubbs ain't got nothing on them.

Thanks to EJO (who spoke in his normal voice when he was onscreen, but for some reason he slipped into Christian Bale's Batman voice when providing offscreen narration), I am now terrified of ever running into the dreaded postal inspectors--portrayed as two middle-aged, bespectacled guys wearing satin jackets in pastel colors. When they show up and confront the package pilferer, they don't say anything, they don't touch him--they just stare. And it works. The guy removes the letter from his shirt and puts his hands behind his back, and the postal inspectors take him away forever. (Actually, maybe a year or two and probably just probation. But he'll definitely be fired, and his family will be incredibly embarrassed--"or will they?")

I wish I could find it online, but so far no dice. Maybe they will make us watch it every few months as an important reminder. If not, I guess there's always Stand and Deliver, the other Edward James Olmos video that likely strikes fear into the hearts of all postal employees.

Hello, Newman

2009-11-20T16:03:00.002-05:00

In July of 2008 I quit my job and moved to New York. Like Bobby Bonilla, Brett Favre, and the creators of the Fashion Cafe before me, I crumbled under the intense scrutiny that comes with living in the media capital of the world, and eventually ran back to the Midwest with my tail tucked between my legs. Or something like that.

I can now, with much relief, some satisfaction, and very, very little pride, announce that, for the first time in well over a year, I once again have regular employment.

Who's the lucky cutter of paychecks? None other than the Postal Service! No, I'm not the roadie for the "Such Great Heights" band. I mean the United States Postal Service, the one that just announced a loss of $3.8 billion in the last fiscal year.

But I'm actually not worried about losing my job due to downsizing or layoffs or anything. That's already happened. I am a Data Conversion Operator, which means I spend all day looking at scanned images of mailpieces that could not be read properly at the processing centers after they were picked up, and I type in the address information so they can be delivered. When these "remote encoding centers" debuted about 15 years ago, there were about 55 of them; now the one in Salt Lake is one of just two. So I feel my job is pretty safe, at least as long as I plan to have it.

Yes, this is (hopefully) not a long-term solution for me. I definitely view it as just a job, and not a career. But I'm very glad to have it, most of all because it removes the urgency from any job searching I may continue to do. The past 16 months have been so frustrating in that regard (this job was part of that frustration; I actually applied for it less than a week after returning to Utah--way back in August--but the application process was agonizingly, ridiculously long).

Here are the good parts of the job: the pay is surprisingly good; I can wear a t-shirt and jeans; we process mail from Utah and New York, so there's a chance I might be able to make creepy comments about what my friends and neighbors are sending or receiving like my old home teacher and fellow postal employee used to do; and I don't have to deal with the public in any way--I barely will even have to talk to any coworkers (and once I complete my 90-day probation period, I can even listen to my hypothetical iPod while I work).

There are also some drawbacks, which I will now spin into positives: I'm working a graveyard shift, but that means I'll have access to my parents' cars and won't need rides; and there are no benefits, but really, that just means I can spend my money on debt reduction instead of paying it into a health fund. And besides last year's gall bladder hiccup, I've probably been one of the world's healthiest non-exercisers for 15+ years. If I join the union I could get insurance that way, and I'm considering it, but right now it seems like I need hard cash more than health care.

So there it is. In many ways, after the anticipation that's been building on the blog for the past week and in my life for the past year, my new job is pretty underwhelming. But again, it's not like I had many other options, and I'm glad to have it. It will give me an opportunity to get back on my feet and on a course towards eventually doing what I really want to do--assuming I ever figure that part out.

18 and life

2009-11-17T13:06:00.001-05:00

Thanks to my return to the workforce and my sister's wedding last week, I've hardly been online at all lately. This post is only going up first because I typed it up months ago, and only had to come back and add the intro, and make sure I didn't have any extra jokes or links to add. Those other promised posts are coming soon, though.

#75-51

75. “Love Shack,” B-52s (1989)
The first concert I ever attended was a B-52s show (also featuring The Pretenders and Royal Crown Revue, but the Love Shackers were definitely the main attraction). A notable achievement, since I can still count the number of concerts I've attended on my fingers.
74. “The Freshmen,” Verve Pipe (1997)
I heard right, surprisingly, that the freshmen felt they should be absolved of blame because "she was touching her face," but not so much when I heard their other justification--"she fell in love in the forest place."
73. “Jessie’s Girl,” Rick Springfield (1981)
I think it's safe to say that this is the top song on this list, if not ever, that uses the word "moot."
72. “Together Again,” Janet Jackson (1998)
This was my favorite song to cha-cha to in freshman social dance. I was infatuated with my teacher, who was extremely attractive, and it didn't help that she was, you know, always touching her face.
71. “Right Here Waiting,” Richard Marx (1989)
70. “What Do All The People Know,” Monroes (1982)
This is the highest ranked song on the list that I didn't recognize by its name, and I'm actually not sure if I had ever heard it before preparing this post.
69. “Because You Loved Me,” Celine Dion (1996)
68. “Tainted Love,” Soft Cell (1982)
Rihanna never looked or sounded better than in this video, which samples "Tainted Love." Then she chopped her hair off and became a superduperstar.
67. “Strong Enough,” Sheryl Crow (1995)
66. “Need You Tonight,” INXS (1987)
65. “Flashdance,” Irene Cara (1983)
64. “All Star,” Smash Mouth (1999)
63. “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing,” Aerosmith (1998)
62. “Another One Bites The Dust,” Queen (1980)
This song featured prominently (due to its supposed backmasking message urging everyone to smoke marijuana, which is decidedly less harmful than the overt lyrics about a kid who goes on a killing spree) on my favorite talk-tape of all time, "The Occult and Rock and Roll," by a man named Lynn Bryson. We listened to it all the time on my mission. I would love to have a copy, but can never find it at DI or on eBay or anything. In fact, I can barely even find a reference to it online. If anyone can help I'd be very appreciative.
61. “Kiss Me,” Sixpence None The Richer (1999)
60. “Heaven,” Bryan Adams (1985)
The techno version of this song is probably my second favorite of that entire genre. This is #1.
59. “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” Cyndi Lauper (1984)
I mentioned this a few weeks ago, but again, RIP Captain Lou Albano (Cyndi's dad in this video).
58. “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” Billey Joel (1989)
The first album I ever bought was Storm Front, and it was because I loved this song. Not as much as my 8th grade history teacher, Mr. Durfey, who based the final month of the year on the tune: he'd send us into the library with a printout of the lyrics, and we had to figure out the significance of each reference. And at least once a week, he'd play a video of Billy Joel performing it live; for some reason, we all enjoyed imitating the random hula dancer who starts running around the stage near the end of the song. My version of "Fire," using Mormon pop culture icons, is probably my most impressive parody. Some highlights include rhyming "Gerald Lund" and "Perpetual Education Fund" and replacing "Liston beats Patterson" with "Stephen E. Robinson."
57. “I’ll Be,” Edwin McCain (1998)
I knew nothing about McCain other than this song until he started popping up on those "I Love the '80s" shows on VH1, looking and sounding like he was an extra in Half Baked. It was even more jarring than when I found out Tracy Chapman was a chick.
56. “Call Me,” Blondie (1980)
55. “The Look,” Roxette (1989)
54. “The Power Of Love,” Huey Lewis & the News (1985)
As I mentioned above, I'm not much of a concertgoer, but I would love to see Huey someday. I'm sure he'll come to the state fair here sometime, and then I can see a great show while eating fried cantaloupe. Perfect.
53. “Hungry Like The Wolf,” Duran Duran (1982)
52. “All I Wanna Do,” Sheryl Crow (1994)
51. “Don’t You Want Me,” Human League (1982)
One of the best karaoke duets of all time.

Coming attractions

2009-11-12T12:38:00.002-05:00

After nearly three relatively uneventful months, November has already been action-packed. A bunch of stuff has happened that I want to chronicle in this space, but since I'm now surprisingly busy I'm not able to do so in a timely manner. But stay tuned for tape-delayed coverage of:

my new job
my new church calling
my sister's wedding
the current dominance of sports villains, exemplified by the Yankees' recent World Series victory
the thrilling conclusion of the pop song countdown
the debut of my next serialized idea, which will mesh religion and reality TV
and much much more!

November sweeps are in full swing here on Amateur Blog at the Apollo. Don't miss a second of it!

17 again

2009-11-09T13:26:00.000-05:00

We've reached the top 100 songs! The end is in sight! Feel free to leave comments guessing songs that you think belong in the top 10.

#100-76

100. “Better Man,” Pearl Jam (1994)
99. “Look Away,” Chicago (1988)
98. “Bitch,” Meredith Brooks (1997)
Sorry about the crude language. I'll be sure to give advance warning if it happens again. (And since we haven't seen Jimmy Buffet's "Let's All Get Drunk And Screw" on the list yet, I'd say the chances are pretty good.)
97. “The Flame,” Cheap Trick (1988)
96. “Life Is A Highway,” Tom Cochrane (1992)
Why did Pixar have to use Rascal Flatts' cover of this song for Cars? Mr. Cochrane's original is at least as good, and I'm sure he wasn't busy.
95. “Superfreak,” Rick James (1981)
94. “Come To My Window,” Melissa Etheridge (1994)
93. “Kiss,” Prince (1986)
"You don't have to watch Dynasty, to have an attitude" is one of the best song lyrics of all time. And it also reminds me of a funny story I heard a few months ago that supposedly took place at a New York DMV (I heard it fourth hand, so I can't verify if it actually happened): a friend of a friend of a friend was waiting to get her license, when she heard over the intercom, "Shady Nasty, your license is ready." Nobody came up. Again, "Shady Nasty, your license is ready." No response. After the third page, a woman goes up to the counter, and angrily says, "I know you didn't just call me Shady Nasty. It's Sha-Dynasty!"
92. “With Or Without You,” U2 (1987)
91. “More Than Words,” Extreme (1991)
90. “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me),” Whitney Houston (1987)
89. “Please Forgive Me,” Bryan Adams (1993)
88. “The Way You Make Me Feel,” Michael Jackson (1988)
87. “Never Surrender,” Corey Hart (1985)
86. “Real World,” Matchbox Twenty (1998)
85. “Toy Soldiers,” Martika (1989)
Like T'Pau's "Heart and Soul" last week, this is one of my favorite, largely underrated songs of the '80s.
84. “All For You,” Sister Hazel (1997)
83. “Love Of A Lifetime,” Firehouse (1991)
82. “Walk Like An Egyptian,” Bangles (1987)
81. “Name,” Goo Goo Dolls (1995)
80. “Like A Prayer,” Madonna (1989)
79. “Melt With You,” Modern English (1983)
My former roommate Will likes to replace the term "making love" with the euphemism "painting ducks." As in, "painting ducks with you was never second best."
78. “Believe,” Cher (1999)
77. “In The Air Tonight,” Phil Collins (1981)
The legend of this song is akin to the whole "is Steve Martin a Mormon?" debate. If you're not aware of what I'm referring to, check this out. To know for sure, I guess we'll have to wait until, as my sister likes to say, we watch the video in heaven.
76. “Kiss From A Rose,” Seal (1995)
There are probably at least six songs on the Batman Forever soundtrack better than this one, including what is likely my favorite U2 song. But kudos to Seal on wooing Heidi Klum.

Drive me crazy

2009-11-03T15:44:00.002-05:00

About an hour ago, I drove a car for the first time in over a year. It's so nice to be able to get myself places without having to rely on other people, but I was a little nervous. Many would probably say that driving a car is like riding a bike--once you learn how, you never forget. But that's not very encouraging to someone like me, who can't ride a bike. Or swim. Or whistle. Or snap my fingers. Or a bunch of other stuff 7-year-olds can do, probably...

Anyway, it went fine. No accidents, not even any near-misses. I've always been a good driver, and that seems to still be the case. Unfortunately, I also seem to have retained my poor parking skills, and my inability to back out of our driveway properly even though I've been doing it for over 13 years. It looks straight, but it's clearly not. But it's okay, because that grass would've died in a few weeks anyway. It's good to be back in the driver's seat.

16 candles

2009-11-03T14:44:00.002-05:00

We're approaching the "best of the best." Which is good news for playlists, but bad news for potential jokes--at least in theory. Hopefully my hypothesis is wrong.

#125-101

125. “Wanna Be Startin’ Something,” Michael Jackson (1983)
You're starting this week's list--wish granted!
124. “Ordinary World,” Duran Duran (1993)
123. “Celebration,” Kool & the Gang (1980)
122. “Hands,” Jewel (1999)
121. “Start Me Up,” Rolling Stones (1981)
As successful as this song was in promoting Windows 95, it's surprising Microsoft didn't go back to the Stones when rolling out Windows Vista. "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" would've been a logical choice.
120. “Dreams,” Cranberries (1994)
119. “Is This Love,” Whitesnake (1987)
118. “Dreamlover,” Mariah Carey (1993)
117. “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me,” George Michael/Elton John (1991)
First he teamed up for a big hit with George Michael. Now he's on tour with Billy Joel. Can't you do anything without riding someone else's coattails, Mr. John? Or ducktails, for that matter?
116. “Money For Nothing,” Dire Straits (1985)
This song is the musical equivalent of holding up a sign at a sporting event where the first letter of each word on the sign spells out the network broadcasting the game. But I DO want my MTV.
115. “Hand In My Pocket,” Alanis Morissette (1995)
114. “Livin’ La Vida Loca,” Ricky Martin (1999)
113. “One Of Us,” Joan Osborne (1995)
Yet another masterpiece from the well-known songwriting genius, Dr. Evil.
112. “Armageddon It,” Def Leppard (1988)
111. “I Love You Always Forever,” Donna Lewis (1996)
I made my karaoke debut with this song, dueting with Julie Clark, a cheerleader I had a big crush on, at a tailgate party during my junior year of high school. Dan Ulrich may have also been involved, I can't remember. (I was going to write that this was the song I lost my karaoke virginity to, but that would've sounded a little weird with everything else I wrote.)
110. “Angel,” Aerosmith (1988)
109. “Heart And Soul,” T’Pau (1987)
I really like this song, so I'm pleased to see it ranked so high. It's probably the best song ever by an artist named after a Star Trek character.
108. “Maneater,” Hall & Oates (1982)
107. “Lightning Crashes,” Live (1995)
My sister's friend Ginny kept the placenta after she gave birth. Not being a parent, I can't say for sure one way or the other, but I hope that's not common. Listen to the song! Let it fall to the floor!
106. “Love Walks In,” Van Halen (1986)
105. “Papa Don’t Preach,” Madonna (1986)
104. “Dancing In The Dark,” Bruce Springsteen (1984)
Courtney Cox was discovered in this video, which led to her breakthrough roles in Family Ties, Masters of the Universe, Mr. Destiny, Ace Ventura, and now, Cougartown. And I think I might be forgetting one. Thanks, Boss.
103. “Don’t Speak,” No Doubt (1996)
102. “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic,” Police (1981)
101. “She Works Hard For The Money,” Donna Summer (1983)

Frankenweiner

2009-11-02T15:46:00.004-05:00

Another Halloween has come and gone. I'm lucky to have a brother who buys good costumes and lets me wear them the next year. He must have had a premonition, because this was a very appropriate 'stume for me in 2009.

I think they also sell a "slutty hot dog" costume, which is the same thing, but with no bun.

Here I am holding what appears to be the action figure of whatever character I'm dressed as.

I know this is wrong, but it looked so delicious! Can you blame me?

I soon realized what I was doing, but by then it was too late. Don't worry, I gave the remains a proper burial.

My Halloween was very low-key. I put on the costume, passed out candy to some neighborhood kids, and watched Nightmare Before Christmas with my brother and sister (surprisingly, the first time I've seen it all the way through). It was fun, but this was the first time since junior high at least (not counting one of the two years of my mission) that I hadn't attended some kind of Halloween dance, and many of those years also included work parties, comedy shows, etc. Oh, well. Time to get to work on next year's costume!

Fats Domino

2009-10-30T16:26:00.002-04:00

I've joked for years, and even written about it on my blog, that Domino's is always advertising something other than pizza.

So it's only right to give them credit for finally promoting their main product, even if it is only for a week. Their limited-time-only deal was a good one--a large one-topping pizza with extra cheese for just $5.99--and the ad campaign was even better. I can't find the video online (probably because of the promotion's short shelf-life), but the TV commercial they ran was pretty funny. They had signs in the restaurant saying that there was a limit of 256 pizzas per household per day, and customers were shown carting away dozens of pizza boxes, culminating in a woman pulling up with a tractor trailer, and the manager saying "this is NOT happening." Good stuff.

Well done, Domino's. This is the first time I remember you pushing your pizza since Donald Trump's cheeseburger pizza a few years ago, and I only remember that because of a funny SNL sketch. Now I can stop paying attention to you for another four years.

15 minutes of "fame"

2009-10-28T13:58:00.000-04:00

Whew...I made it. This is my tenth post of the month. Strangely, this week's batch of songs is extremely mundane. No songs that I really like, none that I really dislike (except maybe "Hey Jealousy"). Nearly every artist in this section has other songs on the list, and these songs are virtually all less interesting than their other entries. Maybe I'll make up for it with another batch before the end of the week. But if not, happy Halloween!

#150-126

150. "Careless Whisper," Wham (1985)
149. "Roam," B-52s (1990)
148. "Safety Dance," Men Without Hats (1983)
One of the all-time great music videos. And very economical--it looks like they only shot about a minute of video, and then looped it over and over.
147. "Under The Bridge," Red Hot Chili Peppers (1992)
146. "And She Was," Talking Heads (1985)
145. "You Were Meant For Me," Jewel (1997)
144. "Karma Chameleon," Culture Club (1983)
143. "Don't Dream It's Over," Crowded House (1987)
142. "I'll Make Love To You," Boyz II Men (1994)
141. "Glory Days," Bruce Springsteen (1985)
140. "Take A Bow," Madonna (1994)
139. "Hey Jealousy," Gin Blossoms (1993)
138. "Let's Groove," Earth, Wind, & Fire (1981)
137. "Let Her Cry," Hootie & the Blowfish (1995)
136. "Escapade," Janet Jackson (1990)
135. "Hurts So Good," John Mellencamp (1982)
134. "How's It Going To Be," Third Eye Blind (1998)
133. "Edge Of 17," Stevie Nicks (1981)
Hmmm, a potential title for the post two weeks from now...
132. "Father Figure," George Michael (1988)
131. "Hard To Handle," Black Crowes (1991)

Circulatory system

2009-10-26T17:02:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago I took the bus down to BYU to listen to a forum speaker I was interested in and to have dinner with my friend Emily.

This was the first time I'd done any significant people-watching since returning to Utah (a daily if not hourly occurrence on the busy streets and subways of New York City). I had been to a baseball game a couple of weeks earlier, but I was pretty sick that night and didn't pay much attention to the crowd.

As I made my way to the Marriott Center and found a seat, I kept thinking I saw familiar faces. But I was always wrong; in six or so hours I spent on campus, I didn't see anyone I knew. I'm sure my desire to bump into old friends or teachers was a big part of my eyes misleading me, but I think there was another reason: the students at BYU in 2009 do look almost exactly the same as BYU students did in 2004.

The combination of prevailing whiteness, the desire of Utah college students to look like they come from California, and the dress and grooming guidelines present in the BYU Honor Code result in A LOT of Stepford students. Especially the guys. For white guys at BYU, there seem to be two basic stylistic templates: preppy and American Eagle catalog model. Virtually every guy's look is at best a slight adaptation of one or the other. (Adding glasses to the preppy look gives you a third subcategory, nerd.)

But after attending the forum, I learned there is another reason for this sameness. The speaker was Neil deGrasse Tyson, head of the Hayden Planetarium in New York and the most entertaining non-entertainer I know of. (Check out some of these clips to see what I mean.) As part of his presentation, he described how we drink the same molecules of water and breathe the same molecules of oxygen that Jesus and Lincoln drank and breathed (it apparently takes about 100 years for the molecules in any single glass of water to be distributed across the globe). We are in the universe, and the universe is in us--we are all made of the same stuff. Therefore, it shouldn't be surprising that we all look the same (he didn't say that last part; I jumped to that conclusion all by myself).

This thought came back to me later that same week, when I donated blood for the first time. I had always been under the impression that, due to my childhood health issues and accompanying blood transfusions, as well as my time spent in Scotland, I was ineligible to give blood. It turns out I was misled, or the Red Cross has relaxed their standards.

Allie (by far the cutest of the blood-letting tech-people working that day) asked me all about my sexual history, determined I was an acceptable donor, and strapped me down on a chair. Neither of my arms had easily accessible veins; she finally found access through a side vein, and my blood began to fill the bag. Slowly. They apparently measure blood flow on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the fastest. Mine was never higher than a 3.

I guess my blood is both shy and stingy. Or maybe it just really wants to stay in my body. It makes sense--the water and oxygen that help make up my blood have been travelling around the world and through the vessels of billions of people over millions of years, and it knows that it's never going to have it as good as it does while pumping through my body.

I told you my mom was awesome

2009-10-22T14:18:00.002-04:00

Tuesday was my half-birthday. As per our family tradition, my mom made me an enormous cookie. She has done this for each of her six kids on their half-birthday for many years, although the name spelled in chocolate chips is a relatively recent tweak (proof that altering long-standing customs doesn't always make them worse).

Here's a wider shot, for some perspective (and to show that a pleasant side effect to this giant cookie pill is leftover dough, which can be used to make more cookies). In possibly related news, every Hofmann male has a weight problem.

Thanks Mom!

P.S. There are only 180-something shopping days left until my birthday!

Fort Een

2009-10-20T15:49:00.001-04:00

I know that some (if not most) of my blog's readers find these lists boring and a waste of time. But I'm going to keep doing them, for a number of reasons:

1) It helps me stay in a mode of consistently posting on here.

2) The printout of the list I have is falling apart, and this is one way to preserve it forever.

3) On my blog, I write about stuff that I like, stuff that interests me. Most of my stuff has some kind of general appeal, but not all of it, I suppose.

4) If you'd actually read these posts, I think you'd see that there's at least one funny or witty joke and one weird or funny link in each one.

5) I don't want to stop now, and end up like Michael Corbin in If Looks Could Kill (he never followed through!).

6) As I've just been demonstrating, I'm a big fan of lists.

On to installment 14 of 20!

#175-151

175. "Wild Night," John Mellencamp (1994)
174. "Head To Toe," Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam (1987)
173. "Free Falling," Tom Petty (1990)
It's Tom's birthday today!
172. "All That She Wants," Ace of Base (1993)
I remember hearing my sister sing this song before I had ever heard it on the radio. I assumed she had misheard the lyrics. Nope--it's really "all that she wants is another baby." It's Octomom's theme song.
171. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," Poison (1988)
While at BYU, I went to many women's basketball games, especially when All-American Erin Thorn was on the team. One of the other starters was Chanell Rose, and me and my fan crew (which included blog reader Angela) planned from early in the season to sing this song loudly if the two ever combined for a basket. Our chance finally came in a game against Wyoming. Thorn assisted on a Rose field goal, and we all started singing. All of us spontaneously changed "cowboy" to "cowgirl" (that's the nickname for women's teams at Wyoming) when we got to the sad, sad song part of the chorus. It was awesome. After we finished high-fiving each other, we went back to heckling Cowgirl forward Kristy Bacon, whom we called "Crispy."
170. "Girl You Know It's True," Milli Vanilli (1989)
169. "Push," Matchbox Twenty (1996)
168. "When I Think Of You," Janet Jackson (1986)
167. "The Heart Of The Matter," Don Henley (1990)
166. "Venus," Bananarama (1986)
I'm very surprised that this song was ranked higher than "Cruel Summer."
165. "Separate Ways," Journey (1983)
I know I've linked to this music video at least once before, probably multiple times. But I'm doing it again, because it's so great. Almost as good is this shot-for-shot remake by some BYU-Idaho students. Which shows that typing up lists of songs every week isn't the biggest music-related time waster I could be involved in.
164. "Stay," Lisa Loeb (1994)
Do you think Lisa Loeb gets angry whenever she sees Tina Fey on TV? Loeb was the cute, quirky girl with classes long before Fey made it cool. In high school, Tina Fey probably dressed as Lisa Loeb for Halloween!
163. "I've Been Thinking About You," Londonbeat (1991)
162. "What I Like About You," Romantics (1980)
Our second straight week with a song that is better than a sitcom it shares a title with. Although Jennie Garth and Amanda Bynes are much more pleasant to look at than Wally Palmar and Mike Skill.
161. "I Will Remember You," Sarah McLachlan (1999)
160. "Mambo #5," Lou Bega (1999)
A little bit of Angela, Pamela, Sandra, Rita, Monica, Erica, Tina, Mary and Jessica...all in the same song!
159. "Hands To Heaven," Breathe (1988)
One of the only entries of the entire 500 where I didn't recognize the song title or the artist. But after finding the video, it's definitely one that I know.
158. "You Keep Me Hangin' On," Kim Wilde (1987)
157. "Fly Away," Lenny Kravitz (1999)
156. "Listen To Your Heart," Roxette (1989)
155. "You Give Love A Bad Name," Bon Jovi (1986)
154. "It's All Coming Back To Me Now," Celine Dion (1996)
153. "A Little Respect," Erasure (1989)
152. "I'd Do Anything For Love," Meat Loaf (1993)
Dr. Pepper made a great commercial using this song. But this is a better commercial using Meat Loaf.
151. "Wild Wild West," Escape Club (1988)
When the first single from U2's new album was released earlier this year, parts of it reminded me of this Escape Club song. Which I guess is a compliment, but a very mild one.

Over the top rope

2009-10-15T15:23:00.003-04:00

After my last post, and the recent passing of Captain Lou Albano, the WWE is fresh on my brain. Pro wrestling is no stranger to hyperbole--just look for Hulk Hogan promos on YouTube for some great examples--but it usually is limited to the on-camera performers. Last week I saw this recap of a match from the most recent pay-per-view event and felt I had to share it. I often strive to be cheesy and over the top on my blog, but I now have a new standard to reach for. I salute you, Craig Tello.

(I know that most of you won't bother to click the link, so here's the text of the article. Go ahead, read a few paragraphs. You'll thank me later.)

"At Hell in a Cell, The Viper reclaimed the WWE Championship and slithered toward his sixth World Title reign, doling defeat to his rival in John Cena's first-ever bout inside Satan's Structure.

"Since permitting the words "I quit" to seep from his split tongue at WWE Breaking Point, The Viper fittingly molted any skin carrying remnant traces of defeat, just in time for Hell in a Cell.

"Callous, unscrupulous, wicked. Proving that the cold of his blood pales in comparison to the noxiousness of his venom, the serpentine aggressor Orton exceeded his personal limits of malevolence in the Prudential Center.

"After Cena endured the challenger's favored weapon--the RKO--the frustrated Viper tightly constricted his ring rope-wrapped opponent's neck within his coils. With Cena deprived of oxygen circulation, Orton's (legend) killer instincts seized control. He zeroed in on his titleholding target and charged forward with his skull-rattling punt to put away The Champ.

"Worse for wear after equally arduous weeks (and beyond), both individuals entered Hell, though they'd have sworn they'd already driven one another to this fiery destination. Cena, dogged and immune to the Cell-experienced Legend Killer's intimidation tactics, pledged to display a side of himself more vicious than ever once locked within the 20-foot-high steel entrapment. He even vowed to not just defeat, but also destroy his foe.

"But Orton had once before competed in the Satanic construct and danced with its keeper, The Undertaker. Less than one month after surrendering the title to the 12 Rounds star--despite a match spent torturing the resilient, unyielding Cena--The Legacy leader leveraged his familiarity with the Hell in a Cell Match to once again swathe his scaled waist with championship gold.

"After years in which their disparate paths have intersected, never have Orton and Cena so fervently fought as in the recent months, culminating inside the five-ton steel aberration. While the two warriors now stand at five wins a piece in all-time pay-per-view encounters, it is The Viper who once again clutches the prized WWE Championship. But how long will Orton's tenure at the top last before Cena seeks a tie-breaker?"

(In case you were wondering, Randy Orton is not actually a serpent.)

I want my MTV

2009-10-14T14:10:00.002-04:00

Just before I left on my mission, I reupped my WWF Magazine subscription for two years. When each issue arrived, my mom dutifully set them aside for me, all the while hoping I would have "grown out" of my interest in pro wrestling by the time I came home.

This didn't happen. Less than a month after my return from Scotland, I had plowed through them all, 24 issues, cover to cover. I don't like the now-WWE as much as I did or for the same reasons I did when I started following it more than 20 years ago, but my fandom has never been a "phase." I was able to cope with the temporary separation, but it did nothing to eliminate the cravings.

I've been dealing with a similar situation since moving back in with my parents. I am an admitted TV addict, and my childhood home has no cable. In New York, I had no TV whatsoever, but I had a good Internet connection, which enabled me to watch almost every show I wanted to online. But as I've chronicled in this space before, my parents still use dial-up (dial-up!) Internet. No chance of loading any shows on Hulu or anything like that.

To be fair, being back in a place with consistent over-the-air television has several advantages over my New York situation: bigger screens, full episodes of So You Think You Can Dance and Saturday Night Live, syndicated reruns of Simpsons, Seinfeld, etc., and, with fewer options, I've had a chance to get back into shows like Survivor that I haven't made time to watch for a while (this has given me what I feel is a pretty funny idea for my blog; I'm trying to figure out how to make it work in written rather than video form, but stay tuned).

But the lack of cable service has forced me to miss out on many of my favorite programs: nearly all of the sports and wrestling programming I like to watch, The Soup, music videos on VH1, and perhaps most of all, the Daily Show/Colbert Report 1-2 punch. I had seen every single episode of Colbert since it debuted about four years ago, but have now gone over two months without seeing Stephen wag his finger or better know a district.

Just like with my wrestling magazines, the removal of these shows from my life has not caused any waning interest. My cravings for sports and satire are as strong as ever. I can certainly live a normal and happy life without them (I'm not quite that pathetic), but I really, really wish I had access to cable and/or good Internet. And that's The Word.

13 going on 20

2009-10-13T13:58:00.001-04:00

It's the 13th installment of the countdown, but surprisingly there's no "Superstition," or "Walking On Broken Glass," or "Black Cat," or anything like that. Not surprisingly, this section of the list also has nothing from my old boss Marie Osmond, who turns 50 today. Hopefully her family only puts one big candle on her cake instead of one for each year; we don't need a repeat of this.

#200-176

200. "Heaven," Warrant (1989)
199. "Closing Time," Semisonic (1998)
This reminds me of any school or church dance from my senior year of high school/freshman year of college.
198. "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," Pat Benatar (1980)
197. "Fly," Sugar Ray (1997)
So does this.
196. "Too Shy," Kajagoogoo (1984)
195. "Missing You," John Waite (1984)
194. "One Headlight," Wallflowers (1997)
193. "You Spin Me Round," Dead or Alive (1985)
192. "I Remember You," Skid Row (1990)
191. "Have I Told You Lately," Rod Stewart (1993)
190. "Looking For A New Love," Jody Watley (1987)
And she's been looking for a new career for the last 20 years. Buh-dum-ching!
189. "I Knew I Loved You," Savage Garden (1999)
Wow, it's like whoever put this part of the list together stole the mix tape I made for that girl I liked in Stover Hall.
188. "Addicted To Love," Robert Palmer (1986)
In case you haven't seen the iconic video, check it out, and then you'll know what all those other videos are parodying.
187. "Raspberry Beret," Prince (1985)
186. "West End Girls," Pet Shop Boys (1986)
185. "If It Makes You Happy," Sheryl Crow (1996)
184. "I Want Your Sex," George Michael (1987)
George is a master of subtlety, isn't he?
183. "Jumper," Third Eye Blind (1998)
I SO feel like I'm back at a MHS Stomp right now!
182. "Eternal Flame," Bangles (1989)
181. "Rock The Casbah," Clash (1982)
180. "Mmm Bop," Hanson (1997)
Which fact is most surprising: that the Hanson brothers play their own instruments, that they all seem to have turned out pretty normal despite being so successful at such a young age, or that this song--which seemed so cheesy and lame when it first came out--is actually really good?
179. "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," U2 (1987)
178. "All Around The World," Lisa Stansfield (1990)
177. "Barely Breathing," Duncan Sheik (1997)
176. "Mad About You," Belinda Carlisle (1986)
This song is much better than the TV show of the same name. And Belinda was eliminated far too early from Dancing With The Stars. Maybe she should've tried fainting.

I don't know where "Mo Money, Mo Problems," "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It," or Tubthumping are, but otherwise they nailed most of the big hits from the dance floors of '97-'98 and '98-'99. That's it for now. You don't have to read other blogs, but you can't...stay...here...

The 12th Day of List-Mas

2009-10-06T15:41:00.002-04:00

I got a ton of comments on my last post, so doing this may be risking the renewed interest in my blog, but.....

It’s baaacckkkk!!!!

After two months as the interim #1 song, Sheriff’s "When I’m With You" resumes its rightful place at #226, as I bring you the 12th installment of New York City’s 95.5 WPLJ’s countdown of the top 500 songs of the ‘80s and ‘90s, circa Memorial Day weekend 2003 (with my commentary in italics).

#225-201

225. "Little Red Corvette," Prince (1982)
224. "What Would You Say," Dave Matthews Band (1995)
DMB likes to cancel shows in Utah, but it's far from the worst case of them dumping on their fans.
223. "What Have You Done For Me Lately," Janet Jackson (1986)
My blog's theme for the last two months, hopefully now a thing of the past.
222. "One More Try," George Michael (1988)
Not to be confused with the Timmy T song of the same name.
221. "Unskinny Bop," Poison (1990)
And that's all I can say.
220. "Can’t Fight This Feeling," REO Speedwagon (1985)
I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a big fan of the Speedwagon. Although me saying that would make my old roommate Will spin in his grave, if he weren't still alive.
219. "I’m Too Sexy," Right Said Fred (1992)
218. "True," Spandau Ballet (1983)
I can't believe somebody sampled that lousy PM Dawn song.
217. "Legs," ZZ Top (1984)
If I ever made a list of the most overrated bands of all time, ZZ Top would be near the top of my list. Not a big fan. By the way, has anybody ever made the joke that they would be called "Zed-Zed Top" in Canada? Or that the only member of the band without a long beard is named Frank Beard? What's that? Everyone has made those observations? Let's move on...
216. "Ray Of Light," Madonna (1998)
215. "Unbelievable," EMF (1991)
I wonder if Andrew Dice Clay gets royalties whenever this song gets played at sporting events.
214. "Vision Of Love," Mariah Carey (1990)
213. "(I’m Gonna Be) 500 Miles," The Proclaimers (1993)
Hopefully, finally, mercifully surpassed by Franz Ferdinand as the best Scottish rock band ever.
212. "Cruel Summer," Bananarama (1984)
211. "High On You," Survivor (1985)
Betcha didn't know Survivor had any songs that weren't used in Rocky movies.
210. "A View To A Kill," Duran Duran (1985)
209. "I Don’t Want To Wait," Paula Cole (1997)
Freshman year, in the dorms...on Wednesday night visiting hours, us guys always had to go over to Stover Hall, because all of the girls in our ward were watching "Dawson's Creek." We could stay in the room if we promised to only talk during commercials. And Dawson and Pacey thought THEY had problems.
208. "Rock Steady," Whispers (1987)
A big comeback hit for The Whispers; maybe my Apollo nemesis Bobby should've sang this one instead.
207. "How Do I Live," Leeann Rimes
206. "To Be With You," Mr. Big (1992)
205. "Pride (In The Name Of Love)," U2 (1984)
204. "King Of Wishful Thinking," Go West (1990)
203. "I’m The Only One," Melissa Etheridge (1994)
202. "Love Bites," Def Leppard (1988)
I had a party to break in my karaoke machine when I bought it a few years ago, and probably my favorite moment was Brad Reynolds making every girl in attendance uncomfortable when he belted this song out. Not as good as when David and I cleared the room at someone else's karaoke party with our version of "Talk Dirty To Me," but still pretty great.
201. "I Touch Myself," Divinyls (1991)

Yikes. I had forgotten how bad music was from 1991-1994. Wish I could’ve kept the memory of some of these songs repressed. Anyway, I promise not to leave a non-Cyndi Lauper self-gratification song as the leader in the clubhouse for longer than a week.

Cookie Sheet

2009-10-02T15:51:00.002-04:00

National Cookie Month began yesterday. Since I eat so many cookies all year long, I don't plan to do any extra cookie-related celebrating in October (except for on the 20th, my half-birthday, when I anticipate a pizza-pan-sized chocolate chip cookie from my mom--that's our tradition; and, I suppose, this blog post). I even missed out on free cookie day at Mrs. Fields yesterday, which is about twice the monetary value as free cookie day would've been back when I worked there in 1996 (since then, brownie prices at Mrs. Fields are virtually unchanged, but cookies cost less than a buck when I was in high school).

I really, really love cookies. Like pizza, even the worst cookies are generally still very edible. Nilla Wafers, fortune cookies, the really cheap store brand, Teddy Grahams, Nutter Butters, the burnt leftovers from a homemade batch...these might not be my top choices, but if that's what's available I'll gladly eat them. But I definitely have my favorites, which I will break down by source. I'm sure some good ones will be omitted, either through forgetfulness or my ignorance; please enlighten me in the comments.

HOMEMADE

I've tried many delicious cookies made from home recipes, but none will ever top my mom's chocolate chip. They come out perfect every time, and the dough is also phenomenal. My mother is a wizard in the kitchen, but she specializes in baked goods. Her manhole covers, chocolate crinkles, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin, or even the butter brickle batch she baked this morning are all tremendous, but the classic chocolate chip will always hold the top spot.

FUNDRAISER

Although it's kind of pricey, that frozen dough elementary school kids sell usually makes pretty good cookies. But this category exists mainly as a tribute to Girl Scout Cookies. The Thin Mints are fine, but what I really want is about nine boxes of Samoas, and three or four Tagalongs. You go, Girls!

RESTAURANT/BAKERY
Cookies from a bakery are usually high quality (at least if they were made that day), even if they're semi-mass produced. I really like the cookies from Albertson's bakery, for example. Pinnacle, the deli/a la carte place I frequented while working at Columbia, had excellent cookies.

ESPNZone makes an amazing cookie dessert (right, Larissa?) that's more filling than most entrees. I'm surprised I can't think of more restaurant cookie concoctions right now; I'm sure there are some I'm forgetting.

A return visit to Smart Cookie in Provo is long overdue. You can't do better for the money than buying a J-Dawg, then walking next door to SC and buying delicious cookies for a quarter each. Or, even better, getting an ice cream cookie sandwich.

And, of course, there's Mrs. Fields. My first job was not quite as great as I thought it might be (leftovers at the end of the day are given to charity, not employees), but it was still pretty sweet. Or semisweet. Or white chocolate macadamia. Or cinnamon sugar. Or my very favorite, chewy fudge. Mmmm....chewy fudge...

I still remember being the most popular guy at Fashion Place Mall when I'd wander out with the sample tray. Of course, when there was only one piece left on the tray, I had to eat it, because I would feel bad if two people walked by and I didn't have enough for everyone.

STORE-BOUGHT

Of course your fancy brands like Milanos and Soft Batch are great, but I usually go with what's on sale. My preferred cheaper cookie is Chunky Chips Ahoy!, followed by the chocolate lovers variety (in cookies, the more chocolate, the better) of Keebler's Chips Deluxe. The more convenient packaging isn't the only thing that gives Nabisco the nod over Keebler, but it's definitely a factor. A new soft baked chunky Chips Ahoy! came out a few years ago and quickly became my favorite, but for some reason the recipe changed within a few months and it's not as good now.

With as many cookies as I eat, though, it shouldn't come as a surprise that I'll often switch things up, buying a different variety of those brands, or Oreos, or Mother's circus animals, or the bite-size Otis Spunkmeyer, or whatever.

CEREAL

Last but not least...what better way to start your day than with a bowl full of cookies? Keebler recently unveiled a new entry, and it's delicious. Or at least I think it is, but apparently not many agree: it seems to have already disappeared from supermarket shelves.

After all these years, Cookie Crisp is still a solid breakfast option. The new double chocolate variety, however, is not as good, which I guess is the exception that proves my more-is-better chocolate rule. Well, that, and the time I poured chocolate milk on Cocoa Puffs.

That's all I can think of right now for types of cookies I eat, but while we're on the subject of Cookie Crisp, there's one more cookie category that needs to be discussed: mascots. All of the best cookie mascots of my childhood are gone or altered.

The Cookie Cop and the Cookie Crook were great spokesmen for Cookie Crisp. Later, they added Chip the Dog as the Crook's henchman, and that was fine. But then someone decided to eliminate the Cop and Crook, keeping only the dog. And now they have a different dog, one that's much more wolf-like. What gives?

And don't get me started on the ultimate cookie character, Cookie Monster. He used to be my role model, with a diet consisting entirely of cookies. But now they've got him promoting healthy eating and saying cookies are only a "sometimes" food.

Back in my day, the only time they even hinted about Cookie Monster eating a healthy diet was suggesting that cookies grow on trees.

There, I'm off my soapbox. I haven't needed it much since I grew tall enough to reach the cookie jar on my own. I think I'll go get one now.

Blogtober

2009-10-01T15:19:00.001-04:00

I'm back. I'm going to start writing on here again. Like, at least ten times this month. But I'm going to count this one, just in case.

Alive and picking

2009-09-02T15:52:00.002-04:00

No, I didn't move into a Unabomber-style shack in the woods when I left New York, but as far as blog access is concerned, it's pretty close--my parents still use dial-up Internet. When I'm at home, it takes me about an hour just to check my two e-mail accounts and my friends' Facebook updates. The local library has free wireless, so I go there a few times a week for a few hours, but feel guilty if I do much besides look and apply for jobs. So my pop song countdown will either stay on its temporary hiatus for now, or it may return with no links. Haven't decided yet.

In other news, today is the one year anniversary of my unexpected gall bladder surgery. And I've never felt better! Actually, that's not true; for about six weeks I've had what appears to be chicken pox on my legs. I'm hoping they're just bug bites that have been made worse by my incessant picking. It would stink if I had shingles. David Letterman has been pretty unfunny since he contracted a pretty severe case a few years back.

So my blog is officially back. If the main topic of conversation after a month away is open sores, though, we'll see if it turns out to be a good thing.

This one goes to 11

2009-08-03T12:55:00.000-04:00

Do you like how I put this post up right after the last two, so I wouldn't have the depressing stuff at the top of my blog? Me too.

By the way, I've been neglectful in responding to comments for the last month or so. I plan to rectify that soon. On to the 11th installment of the '80s and '90s countdown.

#250-226

250. "Express Yourself," Madonna (1989)
Getting this week's Madonna entry out of the way early, I guess.
249. "These Dreams," Heart (1986)
One of many great '80s Heart power ballads that are fun to karaoke to, and much less fun to hear overly ambitious "American Idol" contestants take a crack at.
248. "Dude Looks Like A Lady," Aerosmith (1987)
Perhaps this song was the inspiration for David Duchovny's brilliant cameo in "Twin Peaks."
247. "I Love Your Smile," Shanice (1992)
246. "Why Can't This Be Love," Van Halen (1986)
245. "I Swear," All 4 One (1994)
My youngest sister used to walk around the house singing "I don't swear" when this song was getting a lot of radio play.
244. "New Sensation," INXS (1988)
243. "Just Another Day," Jon Secada (1992)
242. "Brilliant Disguise," Bruce Springsteen (1987)
241. "Mysterious Ways," U2 (1991)
240. "You Learn," Alanis Morissette (1996)
239. "Sweet Child O' Mine," Guns N' Roses (1988)
238. "Can't Help Falling In Love," UB40 (1993)
237. "I Can't Make You Love Me," Bonnie Raitt (1991)
236. "My Prerogative," Bobby Brown (1988)
235. "Spiderwebs," No Doubt (1996)
I don't screen my phone calls. You never know...maybe it's someone calling to tell me I've won a contest! I don't want to miss that call.
234. "December '63 ('94 Mix)," Four Seasons (1994)
233. "Black Velvet," Alannah Myles (1990)
232. "The Promise," When In Rome (1988)
Already a great song, immortalized as the soundtrack of the signature tetherball scene in cinematic history.
231. "Can You Feel The Love Tonight," Elton John (1994)
230. "Holiday," Madonna (1983)
I guess we didn't finish with Madonna early this week. Personally, I would flip the order of her two entries in this segment.
229. "Hysteria," Def Leppard (1988)
228. "Would I Lie To You," Charles & Eddie (1992)
227. "Time," Hootie & the Blowfish (1995)
Perhaps Hootie's best song.
226. "When I'm With You," Sheriff (1989)
Talk about synergy...I remember my sister Julie telling me years ago that she would definitely play this song at her wedding (even though I thought she said it was a Cher song at first--oops)...and she got engaged over the weekend! Congrats, Julie!

What do I do? What do I do?

2009-08-02T21:41:00.000-04:00

The majestic creature you see is Hoffmann's two-toed sloth. I used to love seeing this thing at Hogle Zoo when I was a kid. I thought it was the perfect animal embodiment of the Hofmann family, or at least me and my brothers. For one thing, as the linked article points out, "the vast majority of their time awake is spent feeding." And in general, us Hofmann boys have some pretty lazy habits and tendencies (though my older brother seems to have overcome his and is now a responsible husband and father).

I'm feeling that sense of slothfulness pretty keenly right now. In my last post I addressed a question I've heard often over the past few months--"How are you surviving without a job?" Now it's time to address that query's corollary: "What do you do with your time?" This question is even more unpleasant, but I feel like I ought to address it, to give an accounting of sorts for my economic and employment failures over the last year.

As I stated in my last post, when I moved out here last August I had some leeway, and I was in no hurry to look for work. I was having too much fun. A few weeks later, I had my gall bladder removed and was hospitalized for a week. Right after that was when the stock market and the economy in general began crumbling, and suddenly I had a lot more competition for the available jobs.

I would be lying if I said I worked hard every day to find a job. There were days when I did nothing. Once or twice I went an entire week without making any real effort to find work. Worst of all was January; I barely did any job-hunting that entire month. I don't even know what I would answer for the "What do you do with your time?" question for those weeks. I just know that I was in a really bad funk.

When I was looking, I know there were some ways in which my search was inefficient. For starters, I had no clear goal other than "get a job;" that makes it hard to know what to look for or where to look. I sometimes applied for jobs without submitting cover letters, either because I wanted to increase the quantity of applications or just because I was tired of writing them. I waited way too long before signing on with a temp agency, and even then I only joined one. My search rarely went beyond "look online for job openings and apply for them online." On the rare occasion when I received interviews, I often did a poor job selling myself.

All that being said, I did try very hard to find a job. I tried to get back into broadcasting, applying for jobs at NBC, HBO, MTV Networks, and more. I applied for dozens of jobs at Columbia. I interviewed for positions as varied as a statistical analyst for Jet Blue, Teach For America, manager of a moving and storage company, a concierge in a fancy apartment building, and was even a finalist to be Dick Cavett's executive assistant. I applied for tons of jobs I found on Craigslist, mostly administrative positions, and only some of them turned out to be scams.

In short, I applied anywhere and everywhere I could think of, and many places I didn't think of. No matter how much effort I made on my own, most of my near-misses came through efforts of friends. Probably around 90% of my interviews in the past year were the result of networking. I thank Aja, Amy, Becca, Brook, Dan, Erik, Erin, Garrett, Holly, Jessica, Jordan, Katarina, Kim, Marc, Marcus, Marcella, Marissa, Matt, Mike, Mike, Nathan, Seth, Tamara, and likely many more that I've forgotten who have referred me to open positions, helped me get interviews, provided sources of income, served as coaches or references, and/or have offered specific and helpful advice and support in the past year.

But even with all that help...no success. The most disappointing example happened just a few weeks ago. I had reached a second interview with a company but ultimately was turned down. However, the day after I had been rejected, they called me to see if I would be interested in a temporary position for the next three weeks. I gladly accepted, knowing it would give me another month in the city and more time to find something permanent. While the woman was giving me the information, she stopped abruptly and asked if she could call me back. Less than five minutes later, she called and told me that there was no job available. Easy come, easy go, I guess. Except it definitely wasn't easy come.

An extended period of unemployment is pretty demoralizing. It can be downright soul-crushing. You waver from day to day, wondering if you'd rather not try and feel guilty, or keep applying for more and more jobs and feel worthless as employer after employer rejects or ignores you. I reached the point where I tried to avoid meeting new people, because I knew one of the first four questions I was asked would be "What do you do?"

Even when I've been employed, even when I've had jobs that I really enjoyed, I have disliked the idea of my occupation being one of the top things that defines me. I definitely understand why people ask about it. If you're an adult, you probably work, and it probably takes up more of your time than any other single thing. And even if your job doesn't make you happy and excited, it likely at least says a little about your background, your personality, or what your talents are. But it still bothers me...especially when I have to answer "nothing" or "I look for jobs" or "whatever I want because I'm unemployed." I encourage everyone to try deviating from the standard "Where are you from? What do you do?" template when introduced to new people. It will be more fun and relaxing for everyone.

Sometimes people would ask me about other things. A few people would ask if I had written anything or performed any stand-up lately, mistakenly thinking I came to New York hoping to break into the comedy business. That has never been my goal, although I would've loved to pursue it as a hobby--taking improv classes, doing some open-mic nights, or something along those lines. But whenever I would start thinking about hobbies, I would feel guilty that I wasn't being responsible and looking for work, figuring I could pursue hobbies more easily and effectively after I got a job. And so I ended up watching TV in my "free" time instead.

Trying to find something to do to help me feel useful, I did more church service than ever before. I volunteered at a weekly tutoring program, and I worked a temple shift every Friday. I was very diligent in my church calling and home teaching assignments, and made myself available for missionary splits, helping people move, and pretty much anything else that was going on. All of these things helped give me a sense of satisfaction, and I feel I did a lot of good, but the sad truth is I probably could've done most if not all of these things even if I had a full time job.

So now I'm returning to Utah with my tail between my legs, at the same time wondering if I've been humbled enough. I had a lot of flexibility when I returned to Utah from NYC in May 2008; this time I have none. I hate the job searching process, and I wonder how I'll even go about it now, with no car and my parents' dial-up Internet access. Even if you don't like your job, I hope you're grateful that you have it. And I hope you learn from my mistakes, and do all you can to have other employment lined up before quitting any job. Believe me, the life of a sloth isn't as glamorous as it looks.

The secret of my "success"

2009-08-02T20:07:00.000-04:00

When I fly back to Utah on Tuesday, it will be exactly one year (Aug. 5, 2008-Aug. 4, 2009) since I moved to New York--a year in which I never had a job. While this sounds like it would make for an interesting social experiment, or maybe a reality show, it was never my intention to be in this situation. During this year, many people have asked me how I managed to survive, what I was living on. Well, wonder no more. Here's how I did it.

--When I began my preparations to move here, I had more money in my checking account than I ever had before. This savings was built up largely during my 6-month work assignment in New York that ended last May, where in addition to my salary I had my housing and transportation paid for and was given a per diem for food. Also, while in New York, a friend was borrowing my car (a result of an "Is there anything we can do for you?" home teaching moment that involved a little more than changing a light bulb, killing a spider or taking out the trash), was in an accident where the other driver was at fault. My car was totalled because it's old, but I friend knew a cheap repairman and I ended up making over $2000 in the transaction.

Plus, I'm not stingy, and probably not really thrifty either, but often my wants can be satisfied by something like a package of cookies rather than a new electronic gadget, so I kind of naturally do well with the money I make (which has never been very much). So I had several months' worth of savings when I left Utah, which is why I risked coming to New York without a job lined up.

--Fortunately, I qualified for Medicaid after my gall bladder surgery, or I would've been in big trouble. I'm not sure what the best health care option is out of those being bandied about currently, but I am so grateful that there are options for people who can't afford insurance.

--Oh yeah, I also sold said car before I left Utah.

--Over the past year, I certainly wasn't a hermit, but I was reasonable in the number and type of events I attended. I would've loved to go to more Knicks games, comedy shows, musicals, restaurants, etc., than I did, and to have taken dates with me, but I was relatively cautious. I also would've liked to take trips to Boston, DC, Utah, or wherever, but other than Christmas and once or twice into Jersey I never left the five boroughs.

--I got a pretty good tax refund this spring, especially considering I only worked seven months out of the previous year.

--I have had two credit cards for several years, and while I succeeded in my goal of not adding new cards, the balance on each of them is significantly higher than it was last year.

--Friends hooked me up with occasional work, stuff like babysitting, cat sitting, and most prominently selling used cell phones. I didn't make a ton of money doing these things, but every little bit helped put off the inevitable day when I was completely broke.

--And that day actually came a few weeks ago. My parents knew I wanted to be out here, and that the alternative was me moving in with them (still with no job), and so very kindly loaned me (interest free!) the money I needed for the last part of June and all of my July expenses as I made a last-ditch effort to find a way to support myself. My mom and dad are awesome.

So there you have it. I feel like I did a decent job of maximizing my resources; but I definitely would not recommend that anyone try to emulate me financially. There are much better ways to live.

Oh, we're halfway there...

2009-07-27T14:56:00.002-04:00

...but we're nowhere near "Livin' On A Prayer"'s countdown spot. It unsurprisingly (and deservingly) garnered a spot in the top 10. It doesn't make a difference if we make it there or not, but we definitely will...eventually...

#275-251

275. "I Wanna Be Rich," Callaway (1990)
274. "Stand Back," Stevie Nicks (1984)
273. "Roll To Me," Del Amitri (1995)
272. "What's Love Got To Do With It," Tina Turner (1984)
271. "Macarena," Los Del Rio (1996)
270. "Everybody Hurts," R.E.M. (1993)
269. "Jungle Love," The Time (1985)
268. "Foolish Games," Jewel (1996)
267. "Everybody Wants To Rule The World," Tears For Fears (1985)
266. "Into The Groove," Madonna (1985)
265. "Change The World," Eric Clapton/Babyface (1996)
264. "Word Up," Cameo (1986)
263. "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover," Sophie B. Hawkins (1992)
262. "What About Me," Moving Pictures (1982)
261. "In The House Of Stone And Light," Martin Page (1995)
260. "Glamorous Life," Sheila E. (1984)
259. "Hold On To The Nights," Richard Marx (1988)
258. "Wonder," Natalie Merchant (1995)
257. "Right On Track," Breakfast Club (1987)
256. "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong," Spin Doctors (1992)
255. "Love Is A Battlefield," Pat Benatar (1983)
254. "I Want It That Way," Backstreet Boys (1999)
253. "Bad Medicine," Bon Jovi (1988)
252. "Forever Your Girl," Paula Abdul (1989)
251. "Back 2 Good," Matchbox Twenty (1998)

Not feeling like adding any commentary this week. Not sure why, but it's probably due to one or more of the following factors:

1) I'm too stressed about finding someone to take my apartment when I move next week.
2) I'm too busy packing and otherwise getting ready for said move.
3) My extreme dislike of the Spin Doctors has left me in no mood for jokes.
4) Typing that swear word left me embarrassed (oh no, there's another one embedded in that last word!).
5) I'm too stunned about the high placement of "Macarena" on this list to think straight.

So do your best Jeff impression in the comments. What joke would I have made about "Word Up," or the Backstreet Boys? Links are always appreciated.

Assorted flavors

2009-07-22T19:47:00.002-04:00

Here's a brief rundown of some of the unusual and/or memorable events of the past two weeks, some good, some bad. In roughly chronological order, I...

--received a job offer, only to have it rescinded less than five minutes later. It was only temporary work, but still...

--helped chaperon a field trip to the South Street Seaport. My favorite part of the museum was a model ship called the Pardon Me, made by an inmate and sent to FDR (an avid collector) in hopes that the Prez would do just that.

--accompanied cousin Rachel to sound check for Amateur Night at the Apollo. So many memories of my own experience came flooding back...can't believe it's been more than 15 months since I performed there.

--watched and listened to Rachel knock it out of the park with her performance at said Amateur Night. She was amazing. So were several others...probably five of the seven acts were good enough to win the other times I've been to Amateur Night, and nobody got booed off. Not really fair to the performers or the crowd. This event deserves its own super-long blog post, which Rachel kindly provided.

--battled dehydration.

--purchased a one-way plane ticket to Utah. It's true--I'm leaving New York indefinitely (I don't like to use the term "for good") in two weeks.

--climbed to the crown of the Statue of Liberty with my friends the McCunes. The last 140 or so of the 350+ steps are very steep and incredibly narrow. It was about 95 degrees in the head. But it was cool to get to go up there since so few do.

--rode the tram to Roosevelt Island, then rode it right back to Manhattan. No Spiderman sightings.

--went to Serendipity 3 and had the Outrageous Banana Split. (Thanks David!) You can see a picture of how much I enjoyed it (as well as some of the other places I visited with my friends) here; for some reason I can't save a copy of the picture to post here on its own. They sell a "coward's portion" of that sundae, but I'm a brave glutton.

--went to my former roommate's wedding reception on the roof of the Central Park Arsenal--a fittingly unique place (and a happy ending!) for people who would come up with something like this. Congrats Ryan and Kim!

--walked through Fort Tryon Park, near the Cloisters, and saw a six-year-old climb into his little brother's stroller, and have his dad send it down some stairs until it tipped over. And they all laughed. Weird.

--had a very pleasant taxi ride through Central Park and Times Square that cost me absolutely nothing.

--tried to put a dollar on my backup MetroCard (I had left my regular one at home), but the touch screen refused to respond to my fingers. Luckily, Aja and her, well, normal fingers were there to save the day.

--made a modern-day pioneer trek to see the plaque commemorating the ship Brooklyn, and the site of the building where Joseph Smith stayed when he visited NYC.

Good times. Well, most of them...

Nine times? I don't remember reading these pop song countdown posts nine times...

2009-07-20T17:58:00.002-04:00

Here we go again.

#300-276

300. "St. Elmo's Fire," John Parr (1985)
The best soundtrack song in this section of the list.
299. "Run Around," Blues Traveler (1995)
298. "Hard To Say I'm Sorry," Chicago (1982)
If there's one music-related joke I've told more often than any other, it's my quip that all Utah households are required to have at least one copy of Chicago's Greatest Hits 1982-1989. And maybe it's not actually a joke.
297. "Thriller," Michael Jackson (1984)
If you haven't seen this great cover yet...well, that's what the Internet is for, and one of my top reasons for keeping a blog.
296. "Time Of Your Life," Green Day (1998)
After this song came out, it was probably at least 2003 before any other song was used to create a montage or retrospective.
295. "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," Wham (1984)
This just might be the quintessential '80s music video. Click the link, and choose life.
294. "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman," Bryan Adams (1995)
293. "Hold Me Now," Thompson Twins (1985)
292. "The Boys Of Summer," Don Henley (1985)
291. "I'll Be There," Escape Club (1991)
290. "Footloose," Kenny Loggins (1984)
The best soundtrack song in this section of the list, if you're at a dance.
289. "Everyday Is A Winding Road," Sheryl Crow (1996)
288. "Baby I Love Your Way," Big Mountain (1994)
287. "I Ran," A Flock Of Seagulls (1982)
No, not this song. A different one.
286. "Wind Beneath My Wings," Bette Midler (1989)
285. "Where The Streets Have No Name," U2 (1987)
I unfortunately cannot verify that this song is about Salt Lake City. But the video is cool.
284. "Hold On," Wilson Phillips (1990)
283. "Let It Whip," Dazz Band (1982)
282. "Wait," White Lion (1988)
I couldn't remember this song just from the title. How could I forget this?
281. "Come Go With Me," Expose (1987)
280. "Walking In Memphis," Marc Cohn (1991)
279. "I Would Die 4 U," Prince (1985)
278. "The Warrior," Scandal (1984)
Before he was a wisecracking DUI machine, Charles Barkley was an impressive and intimidating basketball player. And this song fit him perfectly.
277. "Right Here Right Now," Jesus Jones (1991)
This song was definitely used in at least one of those motivational "Pepsi assemblies" we had in junior high...does anyone else remember those?
276. "Walking On Sunshine," Katrina & the Waves (1985)
This song should be ranked much higher. It's pretty great.

Walking in Memphis, on sunshine...I ran/run around...footloose...wow, there was actually a theme this week!

Miracle whip

2009-07-16T18:16:00.002-04:00

This pretty sums up my thought process right now.

This one does too, but less so as each day passes.

Also wouldn't mind a visit from this guy, even if he's just bringing me a nice mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich.

Eight is not nearly enough

2009-07-13T13:48:00.002-04:00

Here's the 8th installment of the weekly countdown, which means it's the fifth or sixth installment since most people stopped caring. Let the good times continue to roll!

#325-301

325. "I Wanna Sex U Up," Color Me Badd (1991)
324. "We Belong," Pat Benatar (1983)
323. "Sunglasses At Night," Corey Hart (1985)
How dare the Milwaukee Brewer of the same name use anything but this song when he comes to the plate?
322. "(Can't Live Without Your) Love And Affection," Nelson (1990)
Before The Jonas Brothers, before Hanson, there was...Nelson!
321. "It's The End Of The World As We Know It," R.E.M. (1988)
320. "Rosanna," Toto (1982)
319. "Nobody Knows," Tony Rich Project (1997)
318. "Your Love," The Outfield (1986)
Thank goodness for having the years added on the list...I might've mistaken The Outfield with Fastball.
317. "Man In The Mirror," Michael Jackson (1988)
Two of my friends have blogged about various interpretations of this song.
316. "Secret Garden," Bruce Springsteen (1997)
Bruce's gritty songs fit in well on the soundtracks of "Philadelphia" and "The Wrestler," but I always thought letting him do the title tune for this children's classic was a mistake. Oh wait. That's not the movie it was in? My bad.
315. "Lovefool," Cardigans (1997)
314. "Mony Mony," Billy Idol (1987)
Picture yourself at a church or school dance, and all together now..."whoo...whoo whoo (uhh uhh)."
313. "Love Takes Time," Mariah Carey (1990)
312. "Born To Be My Baby," Bon Jovi (1989)
311. "Live To Tell," Madonna (1986)
Already the 7th Madonna song on the list. Impressive.
310. "Mr. Jones," Counting Crows (1994)
309. "We Got The Beat," Go Go's (1982)
308. "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone," Glass Tiger (1986)
I always thought it sounded like Bryan Adams provided vocals on this song...and it turns out I was right! Sweet.
307. "Touch Me (All Night Long)," Cathy Dennis (1991)
306. "Sister Christian," Night Ranger (1984)
As we go farther on the list, it stands to reason that the songs will get better and better, which means the jokes might be fewer and fewer...this seems like a song, video and band that I should be making fun of, but I like it too much.
305. "I Can't Wait," Nu Shooz (1986)
304. "Walking On The Sun," Smashmouth (1997)
A more painful activity and less pleasant song than "Walkin' On Sunshine."
303. "No One Is To Blame," Howard Jones (1986)
302. "Nasty," Janet Jackson (1986)
A pretty great video for this one.
301. "Dreams," Van Halen (1986)

The songs do seem to be getting better. Back with more of them next week.

Pun-ditry

2009-07-11T15:39:00.003-04:00

I've been reading Les Miserables. The unabridged version. I've read over 400 pages, but still have 1,000 left. When I finish, it will rank between the Bible and Stephen King's The Stand on my list of longest books read (strictly in terms of page numbers; I'm not sure which book is actually the longest).

There's a monologue near the beginning of the novel, made by Tholomyes, the man who would soon abandon Fantine, that stood out to me. Here's part of it (there are probably formatting rules for running an excerpt this long, but I'm not too bothered to find them out. I ain't the AP):

"[The] pun, though it falls from heaven, should not be welcomed with too much wonder. Everything that falls this way is not necessarily worthy of enthusiasm and respect. The pun is the droppings of the soaring spirit. The jest falls where it will. And the spirit, after freeing itself from stupidity, seeks the skies. A white spot on a flat rock does not prevent the condor from soaring above. Far be it from me to insult the pun! I honor it in proportion to its merits--not beyond."

I love puns, as most reading this are already aware. I make them wherever I can. I don't agree with Tholomyes that puns are no more than the excrement of the soul (which seems rather insulting to puns, to me, despite what he said), but I do recognize that not all puns are created equal. Some deserve laughs, some deserve groans, and some deserve to simply be ignored. (I will admit that I often take as much satisfaction in making a groan-inducing pun as a good one.) I don't expect people to laugh at all of my puns, just because some of them happen to be really, really funny.

For example...tonight I will be going to a Tom Cruise-themed party. Guests are expected to come dressed as Tom, a member of his family, or a character from one of his movies. Within a few minutes of receiving the invitation, the following puns came to mind. React to them how you will; I won't mind.

The easiest costume choice would be to carry around trays of ice cubes, and be "Iceman." But the trays would have to be empty, because you don't want anyone to slip on ice cubes--only Maverick would do something that dangerous.

Or, I could carry a can of Pledge and a rag and be the Rain Man, aka "Dustin' Hofmann." Definitely, definitely a good pun.

If I had a humidifier, I could turn it into a costume somehow, as the logical progression of Cruise character nemeses: Iceman, Rain Man, Mist Man! Right?

I plan to have a small bottle of the Mountain Dew spinoff with me, so I can pull it out from time to time and ask people, "Did you order the Code Red?"

I saw on the eVite guest list that Mindy Booth, a woman who is very nice and very nice-looking but who I don't really know, will be there. Upon seeing her at the party, I plan on yelling "I want the Booth!" If she responds "You can't handle the Booth!" I'll be very pleased, and she'll probably be right.

Never shy about recycling puns, I could approach the drink table at this Mormon party and say "I want vermouth!" And, after realizing I can't handle vermouth, I could settle for a Sodapop Curtis.

This is fun, isn't it? Got any of your own to add? Oh, puns...

Magnificent 7th

2009-07-06T17:32:00.002-04:00

If you want to equate some great songs from this list with memorable sporting events, check this out. In the meantime, here's part 7 of the top 500 countdown.

#350-326

350. "Hold My Hand," Hootie & the Blowfish (1994)
349. "Every Little Step," Bobby Brown (1989)
348. "Runaway Train," Soul Asylum (1993)
Probably their most famous song, but not as good as "Black Gold."
347. "Breathe Again," Toni Braxton (1994)
346. "Born In The U.S.A.," Bruce Springsteen (1984)
345. "Gloria," Laura Branigan (1982)
I love this song, and you do too. Admit it.
344. "Wind Of Change," Scorpions (1991)
343. "What Have I Done To Deserve This," Pet Shop Boys/Dusty Springfield (1988)
342. "When I Come Around," Green Day (1994)
341. "If You Leave," OMD (1986)
Not to go all Jeff Foxworthy on you, but if you know what OMD stands for without looking it up, you might be obsessed with the '80s.
340. "Crash Into Me," Dave Matthews Band (1997)
339. "La Bamba," Los Lobos (1987)
Really classy of the listmakers to put a Richie Valens song right after a song with "Crash" in the title.
338. "Shattered Dreams," Johnny Hates Jazz (1988)
Gotta admit, that's a pretty great name for a band.
337. "Uninvited," Alanis Morissette (1998)
336. "Freedom," Wham (1985)
335. "If I Ever Lose My Faith In You," Sting (1993)
334. "Cherish," Madonna (1989)
Madonna had so many good (if not necessarily great) songs in the '80s that I had forgotten several of them, including this one.
333. "Cradle Of Love," Billy Idol (1990)
Billy Idol "gets it," and apparently "it" is the spot that marks 1/3 of the way through the countdown.
332. "What Is Love," Haddaway (1993)
Song not ringing a bell? Maybe this will refresh your memory.
331. "Nothing But A Good Time," Poison (1988)
I hope, by now, that everyone has seen this clip of Bret Michaels getting beaned by a piece of scenery at the Tonys. Classic.
330. "Never Tear Us Apart," INXS (1988)
Probably my favorite song from what I consider a pretty underrated band.
329. "Goodbye To You," Scandal (1982)
328. "We Are The World," USA For Africa (1985)
Ah, the good old days, when the moralizing of big stars was cheesy rather than annoying. Yes, that is Dan Akroyd in the video. I'm confused too.
327. "Where Do You Go," No Mercy (1996)
326. "Freeze Frame," J. Geils Band (1982)
One of my favorite bands to karaoke to.

Narfs and stripes forever

2009-07-03T23:39:00.001-04:00

By the time I get all the pictures loaded it will probably be July 4. And what's more American than hot dogs? How about...way too many hot dogs? There's really nothing more American than gluttony and excess.

I'm not condemning, by the way. I'm a willing participant in the American lifestyle. Here, finally, just a few hours before Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi lock horns (and stomachs and esophagi) in another epic Coney Island showdown, here's a rundown of my recent debut in the world of competitive eating. (Thanks for taking the pictures, Seth.)

The day of the competition was very rainy, and the eating podium just outside Citi Field in Queens was uncovered. As we signed in, received instructions, and watched cart after cart of dogs and buns wheeled over from the stadium, they had us sign a medical waiver. Immediately after signing, I wondered if it also applied to pneumonia. It was raining hard. I spent the next half hour sizing up my opponents as we huddled under our umbrellas. Miraculously, the rain let up almost entirely about three minutes before the eating began.

Getting ready to begin, apparently in "just happy to be there" mode. Or maybe I'm enjoying the feel of my new t-shirt. The man in the yellow is George Shea, who along with his brother Rich is the public face of the International Federation of Competitive Eating. George plays the part of the old-timey carnival huckster to perfection, pumping up the crowd and giving each event a sort of high-class freak show feel. He introduced us one at a time as we ran onto the stage. I'm not sure if he thought I was someone else, or just didn't put much thought into my made-up bio--he said I was a recent graduate of the University of Phoenix. He added something after, but I was so thrown off by the lameness of my intro that I didn't catch it.

There's the setup I had--three plates of five dogs each, with two big cups of water. Some people used iced tea, and I saw the guys bring some coffee over, so it's possible some one was dunking their dogs in decaf. As if this event wasn't unhealthy enough already. The mustard was strictly for promotional purposes--nobody uses any condiments on their franks when they compete.

The countdown is on. I'm in the zone. Ready to enter full-on Chuck-A-Rama/Golden Corral/Ponderosa Steakhouse/Cannon Center mode.

I got off to a good start, relatively speaking. Although dampened by rain and then immersed in my cup, it was obvious that these dogs were better-tasting than the ones I practiced with, not to mention thinner. My first dog was down in less than 30 seconds.

As I mentioned in one of my training posts, one of many factors that will keep me from ever becoming an elite eater is my daintiness. I was going fast, but I was still taking bites. The top competitors shove and smash the dogs into their mouth as quickly as they can, not caring how messy they get, as you'll see later on.

Oh yeah, there were other competitors. Though not nearly as many as I thought there would be. I was expecting somewhere between 50 to 100 eaters; there were nine, giving their best effort in front of literally dozens of spectators. I don't know if I was one of the lucky few given the chance to gorge, or if there just weren't many people who wanted to do it. The guy in the hat next to me ate nine dogs, two better than his first try the year before. The guy next to him (not pictured) finished ten, I think.

At the other end of the table were the other also-rans. Baldy downed around 20, I think. The guy in the hoody is like a skinnier version of me: he works as a freelance production assistant but wants to be a comedian (he's taking improv classes and performing at open mic nights), and he entered the contest because he thought it would be a cool thing to say he had done. He ate nine dogs. The guy in the fedora was wearing a black bowling shirt before donning the Nathan's tee, which made him look just like Blues Traveler. When I first arrived at the stadium he was giving a lengthy interview to some college newspaper reporter (yes, there were people there with press credentials!) about his technique, his goals, his nickname ("The Eater"...sure, it's what his last name means in German, but it's still pretty boring, especially compared to "The Love Handle"), and the "sport" in general. His size and blow-hardedness made me think he was a veteran of the IFOCE circuit, but it turns out he was a rookie too, and he managed 13 dogs and buns before the ten minutes were up.

There were two guys there who I had seen in the July 4 contest on ESPN in previous years, and they put the "name" eaters in the middle of the stage (and gave them five plates of dogs to start with as opposed to my three). The George "The Animal" Steele look-a-like next to me is Pat Philbin. (I bet George would be the champ if the IFOCE ever held a turnbuckle eating contest.) And then, of course, there's Eric "Badlands" Booker. He raps, he drives the 7 train, and boy does he eat. Check out his resume. Remember when I said the big-time eaters were sloppier than me? Here's some proof. These guys put the rest of us to shame. I won't reveal the results just yet, though.

As you can see, I began to wear down as the minutes dragged on. Once I passed the threshold I had reached in my practice sessions, I slowed down drastically. I had nine dogs finished at about the seven-minute mark, and if I hadn't set a goal of ten I might have stopped there. I slowly munched the tenth, and felt like I was going to die. Then, when Shea began the countdown for the final ten seconds, I realized this was likely my final moment as a competitive eater, and stuffed as much of #11 in my mouth as I could as time expired (that's the last picture there). So I finished at 10.5 HDBs (hot dogs and buns), approximately.

Winning would have been great, but I knew it wasn't possible. I did, however, accomplish all of my realistic goals: averaging at least one dog per minute, not throwing up, and not finishing in last (I was 6th out of 9).

But I never stood a chance against Badlands. Pat ate 32 dogs, a noble effort that would've won several of the qualifiers on this year's circuit, but it wasn't enough on that fateful day in Queens. As you can see, Booker ate an amazing 40 hot dogs and buns in ten minutes! As several of my friends have pointed out, that's an average of one every 15 seconds for the duration of the contest. Unbelievable, impressive and more than a little revolting.

Wait...why am I laughing just moments after feeling like I had swallowed a bowling ball? For starters, about three minutes after time was called, I let out two huge belches that made me feel much better. I certainly didn't feel like eating more hot dogs, but I did feel I could walk off the stage under my own power. But the biggest reason I'm laughing is that Shea is giving the results, and he just announced that the guy who ate in between Pat and Badlands, who finished in third with 20-something dogs, the one contestant I haven't shown yet...had "narfed." What is a narf, you ask?

Be careful what you ask for. A narf, you can clearly see if you enlarge these pictures (which I wouldn't recommend), is a "nose barf." Kind of a gross slang word for a culture that calls throwing up a "reversal of fortune" (interestingly, vomiting will get you disqualified but narfing is apparently ok).

After the contest, Shea started handing out a bunch of tickets to the Mets game that was about to start across the parking lot, and my friends Tamara, Evan, Jessica and I took advantage. We all got free Mets caps, provided by Nathan's of course, and enjoyed our first visit to the new ballpark. It's so much more attractive than Shea Stadium was, a great place to watch a game. I didn't eat anything the rest of the day, but I didn't feel sick either. Around the 5th inning they showed a recap of the contest on the big scoreboard, probably the only time I've ever been on a Jumbotron in my life, no matter how many times I pretended to pick my nose at the Marriott Center.

There you have it. My first and probably last foray into the world of competitive eating was fun, memorable, and unabashedly American. USA! USA! USA!

P.S. I just found the entire thing on video! Part 1 and Part 2--check it out! And it turns out one of the guys had a reversal--I actually finished 5th!

The Jackson 6

2009-06-29T09:43:00.002-04:00

Before I get to the sixth installment of the countdown, this seems like a good place to say a few things about Michael Jackson.

I would never say I was a big MJ fan (my earliest memory of him is getting a nose bleed during Captain Eo and having to leave the theater), but that's mainly because I'm more into sports and TV than music. I feel it's not an exaggeration to say he's the most talented entertainer of my lifetime. Sadly, Jackson became nothing more than a punchline since he married Lisa Marie Presley about 15 years ago, but his early career was so good and so prolific that it stacks up well when compared to Elvis or Madonna or U2 or any other pop icon.

Michael's songs are so catchy and so ubiquitous that he's always among the first artists I think of when I want to do a new song parody. I used "Heal the World" and "Beat It" in the ripoff of West Side Story I made for an FHE film festival, and I'm now dusting off a never-finished "Bad" parody as part of my dad's Father's Day present.

His Simpsons appearance was legendary, and was made before it was really trendy for big stars to appear on the show. I've modified his birthday song for Lisa many times when singing to my friends.

As I've mentioned, I don't really listen to music casually, but I enjoy dances. And nobody made better dance music than Michael Jackson. You literally can't help wanting to groove when his songs come on.

Since I'm more into the visual than the aural, it's not a surprise that I like Michael Jackson. He's the king of the music video. He turned average-length songs into epic mini-movies. He got Vincent Price, Marlon Brando, Macauley Culkin, Magic Johnson, Eddie Murphy, and many more to join him on screen. Beyonce could make 20 videos like "Single Ladies," and she still wouldn't have as many people copying her dance moves as there are people who try to teach themselves the "Thriller" routine. He revolutionized the music video medium, and I respect and thank him for that at least as much as I do for his music library.

It's sad to see you go, Michael, but thanks for the memories.

Let's continue the rundown of the residents of MJ's Kingdom of Pop.

#375-351

375. "Linger," Cranberries (1993)
374. "Take On Me," A-Ha (1985)
They have one of the better "literal" videos that have been springing up lately. But certainly not the best.
373. "I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)," Expose (1993)
372. "Ants Marching," Dave Matthews Band (1995)
371. "I Don't Want To Fight," Tina Turner (1993)
370. "Rock Me Amadeus," Falco (1986)
369. "The One," Elton John (1992)
368. "Always Something There To Remind Me," Naked Eyes (1983)
367. "Missing," Everything But The Girl (1996)
366. "(I Just) Died In Your Arms," Cutting Crew (1987)
Will Ferrell and Horatio Sanz did a memorable cover of this song on SNL once. Alas, it doesn't appear to be online.
365. "Hole Hearted," Extreme (1991)
364. "Roll With It," Steve Winwood (1988)
363. "That's The Way Love Goes," Janet Jackson (1993)
362. "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da," The Police (1980)
There was a good joke on Conan last week about Lady Gaga and the Goo Goo Dolls forming the supergroup Gaga Goo Goo. If it ever happens, this should be their first single.
361. "Borderline," Madonna (1983)
360. "Lullaby," Shawn Mullins (1998)
359. "Angel," Sarah McLachlan (1998)
358. "Red Red Wine," UB40 (1984, 1988)
357. "When It's Love," Van Halen (1988)
356. "Church Of The Poison Mind," Culture Club (1983)
355. "I Wonder Why," Curtis Stigers (1991)
354. "Notorious," Duran Duran (1986)
353. "Opposites Attract," Paula Abdul (1990)
Who had a quicker fall from the spotlight--MC Skat Kat or Brian Dunkleman?
352. "Shout," Tears For Fears (1985)
351. "Dangerous," Roxette (1990)

I'm hoping to have more and better commentary next week.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Pophits

2009-06-23T11:10:00.000-04:00

Full report of my recent hot dog escapade coming soon. In the meantime, here's the fifth installment of the '80s and '90s countdown.

#400-376

400. "Always," Bon Jovi (1994)
399. "Love Will Never Do Without You," Janet Jackson (1990)
398. "Another Day In Paradise," Phil Collins (1989)
397. "Dancing With Myself," Billy Idol (1984)
396. "Something To Talk About," Bonnie Raitt (1991)
I don't think I have much to talk about with this week's list.
395. "When The Children Cry," White Lion (1989)
394. "Someday," Mariah Carey (1990)
393. "Now And Forever," Richard Marx (1993)
392. "If You Love Somebody (Set Them Free)," Sting (1985)
391. "Don't Wanna Fall In Love," Jane Child (1990)
390. "Kyrie," Mr. Mister (1986)
One of the songs I considered when working on John Kerry parody songs during the '04 election (but "Carry On Wayward Son" worked out much better--not that it ended up mattering...).
389. "Breakfast At Tiffany's," Deep Blue Something (1995)
What about it?
388. "Take My Breath Away," Berlin (1986)
When you hear this song, you probably think of "Top Gun." I think of this.
387. "Panama," Van Halen (1984)
386. "Freedom 90," George Michael (1990)
Probably my favorite song from this batch.
385. "The End Of The Innocence," Don Henley (1989)
384. "Wishing Well," Terence Trent D'Arby (1988)
Is he Milli Vanilli's cousin? You be the judge.
383. "If You Asked Me To," Celine Dion (1992)
382. "Burning Down The House," Talking Heads (1983)
381. "As I Lay Me Down," Sophie B. Hawkins (1995)
380. "Black Or white," Michael Jackson (1991)
379. "All I Need Is A Miracle," Mike & the Mechanics (1986)
Another delightfully cheesy '80s video.
378. "How Do You Talk To An Angel," Heights (1992)
377. "The River Of Dreams," Billy Joel (1993)
376. "Love In An Elevator," Aerosmith (1989)

Wow. A lot of stinkers in this section. Hopefully next week will be more interesting.

Ants marching back in time

2009-06-22T16:11:00.002-04:00

Oh, how the mind can wander. Saturday morning I was shaving in the bathroom, when my roommate began blasting "It's A Hard-Knock Life" from Annie.

This reminded me of my freshman year at BYU in the dorms, when there was about a two-week period where Jason Lee would play, very loudly, Jay-Z's version of that song literally six or seven times in a row every afternoon. It was very annoying, but not so much that I would leave my door shut and risk appearing unsocial.

As I continued shaving and reminiscing, I randomly recalled a time when I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom (we had just one for our entire floor), and another guy was shaving. Our softspoken RA, James (a 6'6", 320-pound mountain of a man) emerged from the shower (in his robe, thankfully) and commented to my sink neighbor, "Always shave up and down. Never side to side."

The shaver, who happened to be the Elders Quorum President and probably the nicest guy I've ever met, looked confused for a minute, but finally managed to say, "Good advice." James left the bathroom. The awkwardness was over.

Oh, that shaver's name? Dave Matthews! Kind of weird that I remembered this random story now, but was unable to remember my friend Dave when I wrote this post last year.

Talk show populism

2009-06-20T00:11:00.001-04:00

In my last post I alluded to my propensity to stick with things that are serial in nature once I start them, even if those things are of poor quality. I have at least one current example: Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. It's not a traditional serial--you can watch any episode without having seen the previous one and it doesn't matter--but it is a "series," and the fact that I've been watching since the very first episode helps it fit into this category.

The show is not that great. I hate how Jimmy calls everyone "pal," and how he says he "loves [blank] so much" where [blank] is every single guest and every single project his guests are involved in. As I feared before he took over Conan's gig, he's a terrible interviewer, talking too fast and interrupting his guests to tell a story about himself. There's also a ridiculous amount of product placement, and I don't care for the frequent segments aimed at the young, hip demographic (understandable because I'm older and much less hip than said desired demographic).

All that being said...the host and show have improved immensely since the first few weeks. The monologues are getting better, the games and comedy bits are funny more often, and occasionally the guests interviews click (usually when Jimmy is talking to one of his former SNL castmates). But often, when I'm watching, I still feel like I'm wasting my time, and only watching because it's become a habit.

However, all of the frustrating and cringe-worthy moments paid off a few weeks ago, when Fallon pulled off a bit of comedic genius (with a big assist from one of our old friends). Check it out.

Pretty great, no? There must be a fountain of youth in The Max. Zack looks exactly the same. And you'd better believe I'll watch any future Saved By The Bell reunion.

Mr. Fallon seems to have gone to great lengths to make his version of Late Night different than Conan O'Brien's (a wise move, since Conan is much funnier, and at least at this point is a much better overall host). But this grass roots pop culture nostalgia is ripped right out of Conan's playbook.

In high school I watched Conan almost every night, at least the monologue and first segment or two (hoping for a Pimpbot 5000 appearance). In the summer of '97, Conan embarked on a hilarious campaign to get Dirty Dancing rereleased in theaters for its tenth anniversary. Unfortunately, I can't find any video of his nightly petitions, or what happened when his crusade worked, but this is a pretty good summary.

It was so funny, the way Conan turned his back on the late, great Jerry Orbach, Ferris Bueller's sister, and the rest of the cast. Something tells me Jimmy Fallon isn't setting the Bayside gang up for embarrassment--at least not any additional embarrassment beyond that which would come naturally from being seen with Dustin Diamond--but if he is, I will take back every negative thing I've said about the new Late Night host.

New York: The Vampire State

2009-06-18T22:41:00.002-04:00

It rained pretty much all day today. Unfortunately, I was out in the soup for a while. I was supposed to meet someone in Union Square to sell them a phone; they were running late, and I kindly agreed to wait for them.

To pass the time, I browsed in the Strand Bookstore. It was extremely cluttered and claustrophobic as usual, but quiet. Nothing to indicate that apparently, just an hour or two earlier, some pretty crazy stuff went down.

It's nice that, now that TRL is gone, local teen girls still have outlets for their unbridled, media-created enthusiasm. I'm also glad that the film crew had packed up and left by the time I got there, helping me avoid potential tramplings by crazed fans or, worse yet, having to wait at a less interesting place like Whole Foods or Shoe Mania.

It seems like Cedric Diggory wasn't seriously hurt, so I feel ok making jokes about this. If he had actually been hit hard, I wonder if any of the starstruck girls would've said, "Don't worry. He'll be fine. He's a vampire! He's immortal!" Thank goodness it was a taxi and not a garlic truck.

By the way...I have been successful so far in my efforts to avoid reading the Twilight books or seeing the movies. I have nothing against them, I just don't think I would like them--but if I read one book I would probably read all of them. It's my nature. A few years ago I watched every episode of The Search For The Next Doll, for crying out loud. It's best if I just stay away.

So Mr. Pattinson, I'm glad you're all right. And if you shoot any scenes for your movie across the street from Strand at Max Brenner, there will probably be at least one 29-year-old guy mixed in amongst all the tweens.

There can be only one wiener

2009-06-17T15:25:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I undertook what I'm sure will be my final "cram" session before Saturday's dog devouring.

The meal: six hot dogs (once again, "jumbo" franks) and buns. The time: 5 minutes, 42 seconds. Once again, substantial improvement over the previous practice round. I now feel confident that I can eat ten dogs in ten minutes. That's the goal I've set for myself. It won't be good enough to win, but it seems like a respectable number (according to this page, some competitors in the big July 4 contest last year were as low as 14).

I will be certain to give a full report of the masticating mayhem afterwards. I'd like to include pictures, but that means someone else will need to be there with me. If you'd like to be the videographer for my competitive eating debut, or you just want to see me gorge myself in a different borough for a change, here's the pertinent info.

Date: Saturday, June 20
Time: 3:00 PM
Place: Citi Field (the Mets' new stadium in Queens; the contest will take place outside the stadium between the Jackie Robinson Rotunda (the main entrance) and the train station)
To get there, catch the 7 train from Times Square; Citi Field is the penultimate stop on that line. It will probably take a little over an hour to get there from Harlem/Washington Heights/Inwood.

And why wouldn't you want to come? There's few things that make for more fascinating theater and spectacle than this, right?

Episode IV: A New Hope, Some More Old Songs

2009-06-16T17:05:00.003-04:00

Here's more of the '80s and '90s countdown I've been running the last few weeks. There's some good ones here.

#425-401

425. "Tom's Diner," DNA featuring Suzanne Vega (1990)
Tom's Diner is, of course, the "Seinfeld" restaurant. If you go there, order off the breakfast menu. Their sandwiches and burgers are pretty mediocre.
424. "Simply Irresistible," Robert Palmer (1988)
Realizing his "band" wasn't actually playing their instruments in the "Addicted To Love" video, here Palmer lets his backup do what they do best.
423. "Manic Monday," Bangles (1986)
422. "Cover Me," Bruce Springsteen (1984)
421. "Baby Baby," Amy Grant (1991)
This is almost certainly my mom's favorite of these 500 songs.
420. "Never Say Goodbye," Bon Jovi (1987)
As I wrote a few weeks ago in my post on song titles, this is my favorite JBJ ballad.
419. "Soldier Of Love," Donny Osmond (1989)
Ah yes, Donny's brief pop resurgence. My younger sister is a huge Donny fan, so when I worked for Marie Osmond I asked if she could get my sister a signed picture of her brother. Instead, Marie gave a signed picture of herself, saying my sis Chelsea should think of it as "Donny with long hair." Chelsea framed it and still keeps it in her room. It's weird, because Donny obviously has no problem giving away his picture--his son Brandon was once in my ward, and one night his dad brought a life-sized picture of himself in his Broadway Gaston get-up for Brandon to hang in his apartment. Sorry to cram all this Donny stuff into one entry, but he will definitely NOT be making another appearance on this countdown.
418. "One," U2 (1992)
417. "Send Me An Angel," Real Life (1983, 1989)
Just last night, I heard someone say "send me an e-mail," and immediately broke out into this song, replacing the last word of the title. It was definitely not the first time this has happened.
416. "Something Happened On The Way To Heaven," Phil Collins (1990)
415. "Purple Rain," Prince (1984)
414. "Walking On Broken Glass," Annie Lennox (1992)
This is a very good song. I have no jokes.
413. "Photograph," Def Leppard (1983)
412. "You Gotta Be," Des'ree (1994)
411. "Second Chance," .38 Special (1989)
I never realized until just now that this song is from the same group that did "Hold On Loosely." You learn something new every day.
410. "Don't Turn Around," Ace of Base (1994)
409. "Forever Young," Alphaville (1985, 1988)
This was the theme to one of the big formal dances in high school, but I can't remember which one.
408. "She's A Bad Mama Jama," Carl Carlton (1981)
With a name like that, I figured he'd be from Wales (the land of Evan Evans, William Williams, etc.), but it turns out he's not. I think it's great that that link points out he is not to be confused with this guy.
407. "I Go To Extremes," Billy Joel (1990)
Off the album "Storm Front"...the first cassette I ever purchased.
406. "How Will I Know," Whitney Houston (1986)
405. "The One I Love," R.E.M.
404. "Close To You," Maxi Priest (1990)
403. "Crazy," Aerosmith (1994)
402. "Come Undone," Duran Duran (1993)
Parts of this song sound just like Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent," which was probably the most popular song on the radio station at the time they compiled this list in 2003. There's a new guy in my ward named Dan Duran. I assumed he receives many comments about his name's similarity to Simon Le Bon's band, but I wanted to be original...so on the last fast Sunday I asked him if he was "hungry like the wolf." He said he had never heard that one before. Mission accomplished.
401. "Burning Up," Madonna (1983)
I don't know if I had ever heard this one before.

Back with more songs next week!

Dog-ged pursuit of a dream

2009-06-10T12:27:00.002-04:00

As I prepare for my competitive eating debut, I continue to make slow and steady improvement. (Unfortunately, since my hot-dog eating contest is just ten days, there's not much time left for gradual progress.)

I amped things up a little for yesterday's practice session: six dogs and buns. I downed them in 7:12 (and I had the last bite in my mouth at about 6:45, which I think is all that matters when the buzzer sounds in the real thing), practically the same time it took me to eat four in my first timed attempt. This time I finished four in less than four minutes, then really slowed down on the last two.

I also ate "jumbo" dogs, which will hopefully work like taking practice swings with a donut on your bat (mmm, donut), and the regular-sized dogs will seem really easy on game day. (Or maybe every brand of dog has a different definition of jumbo, and this had no effect at all.)

Regardless, I've realized that going through this process has finally made me a passing Hulkamaniac. I've always said my prayers, but struggled with the training and taking vitamins demandments. Thanks, brother, for not specifying what kind of training; now I'm hitting two out of three (three out of four if you include "believing in yourself," the Raven-Symone-showing-up-on-the-Cosby-Show of Hulk's demandments--that's a solid C!).

So anyway...I'm not expecting to win (I guess I don't believe in myself all the time). I think I've said it before--I'm not the best at speedy consumption, but I'd be great at endurance eating. Which is why my brother and I both love the concept behind the show Man vs. Food, and we're very upset that we didn't come up with the idea first.

Now That's What I Call '80s and '90s Vol. 3

2009-06-06T15:59:00.003-04:00

#450-426

450. "Streets of Philadelphia," Bruce Springsteen (1993)
449. "Kiss Me Deadly," Lita Ford (1988)
448. "All 4 Love," Color Me Badd (1991)
Words spelled with numbers, typos in the band name...what a grammatical nightmare!
447. "Two Steps Behind," Def Leppard (1993)
446. "P.Y.T.," Michael Jackson (1983)
Finally, a song I actually like. One of the King of Pop's best.
445. "Faithful," Go West (1992)
Wait...was Go West actually a two-hit wonder? This is their only song I know.
444. "I Heard A Rumor," Bananarama (1987)
If the rumor you're referring to is that Keren of Bananarama married Andrew Ridgeley (the other guy in Wham!), it's actually true!
443. "More Than Words Can Say," Alias (1990)
Not to be confused with Extreme's "More Than Words." Way to get creative with your lyrics, hair bands!
442. "Ain't Nobody," Chaka Khan (1983)
441. "The Living Years," Mike & the Mechanics (1989)
440. "Un-break My Heart," Toni Braxton (1996)
Heard Toni sing live when I went to the "Dancing With the Stars" tour. I don't think any young Dallas Mavericks superstars would be fighting over her now.
439. "Modern Love," David Bowie (1983)
The song that turned me into a Bowie fan. It's awesome.
438. "Crush On You," The Jets (1986)
I wonder what happened to The Jets? I also wonder where they would've ranked if my old roommate Will and I had ever followed through with our goal of creating a series on the "Top 500 Mormon Pop Culture Icons."
437. "Eyes Without A Face," Billy Idol (1984)
436. "Joyride," Roxette (1991)
Why do I love Roxette and ABBA so much, yet don't care for their fellow Swedes Ace of Base? Hmmm.
435. "Oh Sheila," Ready For the World (1985)
434. "One Week," Barenaked Ladies (1998)
Make note of your favorite line from this song in the comments. Mine is probably the one about Chinese chicken.
433. "Always Be My Baby," Mariah Carey (1996)
432. "Head Over Feet," Alanis Morissette (1996)
A surprisingly calm and sweet song that would've fit in more with the stuff she's done this decade, which I actually like much more than her angry stuff.
431. "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough," Patty Smyth/Don Henley (1992)
430. "What You Need," INXS (1986)
429. "Again," Janet Jackson (1993)
Not the same song as "Together Again." This one is not nearly as good to dance to.
428. "Somebody," Bryan Adams (1985)
427. "Open Your Heart," Madonna (1987)
426. "Downtown Train," Rod Stewart (1989)

Back with more next week! (And I may blog about something else in between, but no guarantees.)

Memorial Day Megahits Vol. 2

2009-06-03T11:46:00.003-04:00

Check out the previous post if you're not sure what this is all about.

#475-451

475. "Crush," Dave Matthews Band (1999)
474. "Black Cat," Janet Jackson (1990)
473. "Wanted Dead Or Alive," Bon Jovi (1987)
A great song, but the opposite version might be even better.
472. "The Power Of Love," Celine Dion (1994)
No, this is not a cover of the Huey Lewis classic.
471. "What It Takes," Aerosmith (1990)
470. "Tell It To My Heart," Taylor Dayne (1987)
469. "Should've Known Better," Richard Marx (1987)
Am I the only one who used to confuse Richard Marx with Kenny Loggins?
468. "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)," En Vogue (1992)
467. "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me," Billy Joel (1980)
I've been reading "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" by my current favorite writer, Chuck Klosterman. His best essay in that book discusses Joel's rare feat: he's a rock star who manages to be great without being cool. Check it out if you can.
466. "Sunny Came Home," Shawn Colvin (1997)
I know Shawn best as Rachel Jordan, her Christian rocker character on "The Simpsons," where she cleverly pointed out that if a Christian musician wants to go mainstream they just have to change their lyrics from "Jesus" to "baby."
465. "Electric Blue," Icehouse (1988)
464. "Lost In Emotion," Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam (1987)
463. "The Final Countdown," Europe (1987)
Nowhere near the end of the countdown, actually. This is the only ringtone I've ever bought, and this is why.
462. "Wannabe," Spice Girls (1997)
My friends Jerrett, Mathew and I once wore wigs and performed a new version of this song (as the "Spice Boys") to ask girls to dances in high school. Amazingly, they said yes. Zig-a-zig ah!
461. "Tears In Heaven," Eric Clapton (1992)
460. "Groove Is In The Heart," Dee-Lite (1990)
459. "I Hate Myself For Loving You," Joan Jett & The Blackhearts (1988)
458. "End Of The Road," Boyz II Men (1992)
457. "Blister In The Sun," Violent Femmes (1982)
456. "Bed Of Roses," Bon Jovi (1993)
455. "That's What Love Can Do," Boy Krazy (1993)
I had no idea who Boy Krazy is, but it turns out they have a minor WWE connection. Who knew? This is the video for their song. They kind of remind me of a skinnier Wilson Phillips.
454. "When I See You Smile," Bad English (1989)
453. "What's Up," 4 Non Blondes (1992)
Calm down, Joey. This is just one radio station's opinion. You don't need to break stuff.
452. "It Ain't Over Til It's Over," Lenny Kravitz (1991)
451. "Chains Of Love," Erasure (1988)

A memorial decades in the making

2009-05-25T00:10:00.000-04:00

Several of my recent posts have featured my first stint in New York, as an intern in the spring of 2003, or what I consider "classic" music. This one will combine the two.

Back in '03, the NY radio station I set my alarm to ran a "Top 500 Songs of the '80s and '90s" countdown over Memorial Day weekend (I'm pretty sure I've referenced this list on my blog before). We're now far enough removed from the era that perhaps the songs from the late '90s can be judged properly (seriously, how could you know where to rank a song on a list like this when it was less than five years old?). So, on Memorial Day 2009, it seems like a good time to revisit the rankings.

It doesn't appear that the list still exists online, but fortunately I printed out a copy back in the day. I'm going to break it up into 25-song segments, and post one each week (including funny video links and my commentary, of course) until we reach the top spot. Let the nostalgia commence!

#500-#476

500. "Lay Your Hands On Me," Bon Jovi (1989)
Good thing I didn't use this one in my last post; that would've been overkill.
499. "My Favorite Mistake," Sheryl Crow (1999)
As we go through the list, make sure to leave comments about your favorite mistakes, whether they be ranked way too high or way too low.
498. "Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Car)," Billy Ocean (1988)
If any of my blog readers were basketball fans, I'd point out how much Billy looks like Michael Finley. Instead, I'll merely note that I love the late-'80s live-action-meets-animation craze.
497. "867-5309/Jenny," Tommy Tutone (1982)
Whenever I've chosen my own ATM pin number, I've gone with 5309. (But I didn't choose my current one, so please don't steal my wallet.)
496. "Just A Girl," No Doubt (1996)
A good song, but I like this Gwen Stefani song and video much better.
495. "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off," Jermaine Stewart (1986)
I love song titles that sound like they're made up.
494. "Talking In Your Sleep," The Romantics (1984)
I guess (gasp!) I won't have something to say about every song.
493. "Causing A Commotion," Madonna (1987)
492. "Whip It," Devo (1980)
The original video is fun and iconic, but this cover is so much better.
491. "Everything Falls Apart," Dog's Eye View (1996)
You haven't thought of this song since 1997, have you?
490. "I'm Your Baby Tonight," Whitney Houston (1990)
489. "This Time," Bryan Adams (1983)
488. "She Blinded Me With Science," Thomas Dolby (1985)
Dolby seems to like videos featuring psychiatric sessions--it's the theme of "She Blinded Me" as well as this one, my favorite of his songs.
487. "Cold Hearted," Paula Abdul (1989)
Not the one with Keanu in the video. Darn.
486. "Heartbreaker," Pat Benatar (1980)
485. "U Got The Look," Prince/Sheena Easton (1987)
484. "Faithfully," Journey (1983)
483. "Emotions," Mariah Carey (1991)
482. "Wrapped Around Your Finger," The Police (1984)
481. "I Want You," Savage Garden (1997)
Yes, this is the "chica cherry cola" song.
480. "Sexual Healing," Marvin Gaye (1983)
479. "I Want To Come Over," Melissa Etheridge (1995)
478. "I Need To Know," Marc Anthony (1999)
This song brings back memories of my BYU social dance classes. Where have you gone, Kelli Towers?
477. "Naughty Naughty," John Parr (1984)
476. "Dress You Up," Madonna (1985)
Madonna already has two appearances. As we go through this list, we'll probably see that, just like in real life, Madge won't go away.

The countdown continues next week!

Song titles

2009-05-22T23:57:00.002-04:00

I was at a friend's apartment recently and saw a new compilation CD she had purchased. I looked at the back, and noted that I had heard of less than half of the participating artists (and have only actually heard any songs from about half of that half). This wasn't too surprising; I'm not much of a fan of this decade's music offerings (although I heard a band named Phoenix on SNL a few weeks ago, and really liked this song).

To overcompensate for my lack of interest in and knowledge of modern music, here's an adaptation of a note I posted on my Facebook profile this week. I got the idea from my friend Amy, but I'm not sure where she found it. She did it just once, using The Beatles, but I came up with three sets of answers--the first using my favorite band from high school, the second and third using the bands I would most like to see in concert right now (even though they're both past their prime). I'll also add some links for some of the better/more obscure songs used below, which weren't included in the Facebook version.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.

I picked: QUEEN

Are you male or female: "White Man"
Describe yourself: "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy"
How do you feel about yourself: "I'm Going Slightly Mad"
Describe where you currently live: "Tenement Funster" (that might be a bit extreme, but it is kinda ghetto; at least I didn't use "Sleeping On The Sidewalk" or "Great King Rat")
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: "I Want To Break Free" (one of the weirdest videos ever)
Your best friend is: "You're My Best Friend" (sometimes you can't avoid the obvious ones)
Your favorite color is: "Black Queen"
You know that: "The Show Must Go On"
What's the weather like: "Under Pressure" (I had to get this song on the list somewhere--it's my favorite Queen song--and I'm ok making a forced barometric connection to do it)
Your ideal mate: "She Makes Me (Stormtrooper In Stilettos)" The song isn't great, but it's hard to beat the imagery of a chick who looks good and kicks butt.
Describe your friends: "Good Company" (the video is fantastic)
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: If I wanted people in my neighborhood to watch, I'd make a show called "Fat Bottomed Girls," but a much better fit for me would be "Play The Game." Especially if I got to hold one of those old school skinny microphones while hosting said show.
What is life to you: "A Kind Of Magic"
What is the best advice you have to give: "Keep Yourself Alive" (probably Queen's most underrated song, and, I've just learned, it was their very first single)
If you could change your name, what would it be: I wanted to choose Flash Gordon, but the song is actually called "Flash's Theme," so I'll go with "Radio Ga-Ga." Maybe that way I could take advantage of people thinking I was Lady GaGa's brother or something. (Hmm, turns out that's actually where she got her name from...thanks for ruining my joke, Lady!)
Your favorite food is: "Another One Bites The Dust" (not many choices for this one)
Your favorite drink is: "Rain Must Fall" (or this one)
Your favorite hang-out is: "Bohemian Rhapsody" (that does actually sound like a potential name for a club or bar, and the song belongs on here somewhere, but I'm pretty sure I would actually feel pretty out of place at any establishment with that name)
Your first words: "Now I'm Here"
Your last words: "It's Late"
What do you want on your tombstone: So many relevant choices here. The obvious one is "Another One Bites The Dust," but I already used it. "All Dead, All Dead," "I Can't Live With You," "Sheer Heart Attack" and "Only The Good Die Young" would also make sense. But my belief in the afterlife (and the fact that it's my favorite Queen song that does not feature David Bowie) makes "Don't Stop Me Now" the most appropriate selection. And I also like the highly inappropriate version.

Okay, let's do the whole thing over again.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.

I picked: BON JOVI

Are you male or female: "Put The Boy Back In Cowboy"
Describe yourself: "Wanted Dead Or Alive"
How do you feel about yourself: "In And Out Of Love"
Describe where you currently live: NYC is way more than a "Two Story Town." I don't enjoy climbing the stairs to the 4th floor every time I come home, but still "I Love This Town."
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: "Welcome To Wherever You Are" (I'm pretty easily contented, and not much of a traveller)
Your best friend is: "I'll Be There For You"
Your favorite color is: "Blood On Blood"
You know that: "All I Want Is Everything"
What's the weather like: We're reaching the time of year when it's "99 In The Shade," but still, "Have A Nice Day."
Your ideal mate: "She's A Mystery"
Describe your friends: "Never Say Goodbye" (the best old JBJ ballad)
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: "It's My Life" (not too creative, but if you want to attract viewers you need a title that lets people know what the show is about, plus it's a good place to link to this--if you only click one link in this post, make it this one)
What is life to you: "(You Want To) Make A Memory" (the best new JBJ ballad, and probably my favorite song of the last five years--it WILL be played at my wedding reception)
What is the best advice you have to give: The advice I most want to give is "Let It Rock," but the best I could give is "Keep The Faith."
If you could change your name, what would it be: "Captain Crash And The Beauty Queen From Mars"
Your favorite food is: "Little Bit Of Soul" (especially chicken and waffles, with some peach cobbler)
Your favorite drink is: "Bad Medicine"
Your favorite hang-out is: "Open All Night" (Denny's!)
Your first words: "You Had Me From Hello"
Your last words: "I'd Die For You" (I thought it was just a figure of speech!)
What do you want on your tombstone: Again, plenty of good choices, including "Who Says You Can't Go Home," "Hey God," and "Love Me Back To Life," but I like "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead."

One more time!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.

I picked: HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS

Are you male or female: "He Don't Know" (I like how this simultaneously answers and doesn't answer the question)
Describe yourself: "I Ain't Perfect"
How do you feel about yourself: "Hip To Be Square"
Describe where you currently live: "Once Upon A Time In New York City"
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: "Cruisin'" (probably my favorite song that we played when I worked on Marie Osmond's radio show; there really ought to be more karaoke-based movies)
Your best friend is: "My Other Woman" (my best friends from high school and college are now only in my life electronically; most of my close friends now are women)
Your favorite color is: "Honky Tonk Blues" (it's a cover, but my choices were limited)
You know that: "I Know What I Like"
What's the weather like: "Bad Is Bad"
Your ideal mate: "You Crack Me Up"
Describe your friends: "Stuck With You"
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: "Workin' For A Livin'" (because it's a fictional version of my life, plus I needed to include this song)
What is life to you: "The Power Of Love" (couldn't find a better spot for this classic tune)
What is the best advice you have to give: "Stop Trying"
If you could change your name, what would it be: "Bobo Tempo"
Your favorite food is: "Pineapple Express" (yes, the soundtrack king has been at it again recently)
Your favorite drink is: "You Left The Water Running"
Your favorite hang-out is: "Finally Found A Home"
Your first words: "Do You Believe In Love" (some of my former improv colleagues once made a cool video using this song, but I can't find it anywhere online--boo!)
Your last words: "I Want A New Drug"
What do you want on your tombstone: I'm not someone who wonders "If This Is It." My tombstone will say "We're Not Here For A Long Time (We're Here For A Good Time)." And listening to these three bands will give you plenty of good times.

The bandwagon is getting crowded

2009-05-17T21:53:00.002-04:00

After Saturday night's adult session of stake conference (apparently I'm the only one who thinks calling it the "adult session" makes it sound a little dirty), I found myself at a table at Shake Shack with one friend and two friends of friends. As we were getting acquainted, we had the following humorous exchange:

New friend: What do you do?

Me: Whatever I want, because I'm unemployed.

New friend: Just like half of America.

Me: Yeah, but I was doing it before it was trendy.

It's funny (and sad) because it's true.

A picture is worth 1000 calories

2009-05-14T18:57:00.004-04:00

[Yesterday I checked out this chip shop in Brooklyn, the first place I've found outside of Scotland that offers battered, deep-fried pizza. Unlike what you see below, they sell fried pizza by the slice. And it was awesome. So awesome that I was inspired to bring out the latest installment in my occasional series in which I recycle posts from other blogs. I originally posted this under the same title on the old Laugh Out Loud blog on September 20, 2006.]

Right now you're looking at a little bit of heaven: a battered, fried pizza and a Mars bar prepared the same way. I added the can of Irn Bru to give the photo a more authentic look; I actually don't care for that particular beverage, but it's as popular as Coke in the United Kingdom.

Last month the company I work for sent me on an all-expenses paid vacation, er, business trip to Scotland for two weeks. I spent two years in Scotland as a missionary and loved my time there, and have been wanting to go back pretty much ever since I got home 5 years ago, so getting this work assignment made me pretty excited.

Knowing that the work I had to do and the place I had to do it in would keep me from doing much sightseeing or from visiting old friends, this fried bounty was one of the things I most looked forward to about my trip. Biting into a battered Mars or Snickers bar is euphoric. I can feel my teeth rotting as I suck it down, but I don't care. If you have a good batter recipe and a deep fryer, I highly recommend trying to make your own (try a battered Cadbury Cream Egg--now that's good eatin'). It probably won't be quite as good as the authentic one pictured above, but it's better than eating a boring old candy bar. The Creamery on Ninth used to have a fried candy bar sundae (maybe they've brought it back, I haven't been there much the last few years) which is pretty good too.

By the way...I gained about 30 pounds on my mission and my belly has continued to balloon since then. Anyone surprised?

So...the question might be asked, why write about this now, when I've been back from my trip for almost a month? And what does this have to do with Laugh Out Loud? Here are a few reasons:

1) I'm a procrastinator.
2) I used my brother's camera on my trip, and didn't have time to download the pictures after. He just sent me a CD with the pictures I took on them (thanks, Der-dude).
3) It has nothing to do with Laugh Out Loud, but I have nothing to write about LOL this week.
4) There's very little proof that more than two or three people actually look at this blog, so unless I hear objections I'm just going to write about whatever I want. And today I wanted to write about junk food.

So there.

Getting better

2009-05-11T12:44:00.002-04:00

Today's practice round: four hot dogs and buns, consumed in 5 1/2 minutes. Not great, but certainly an improvement.

The key to future improvement is found in the last paragraph of this column. Believe me, I'm working on it.

From the home office in Times Square

2009-05-07T20:41:00.002-04:00

I was going through some of my old papers and found a relic from my 2003 internship, the first time I came to New York. I was part of a group of 30-40 interns from BYU, and before we all returned to school we had a going-away party of sorts.

At the party, I presented awards based on junior high-style ballots I had distributed a week earlier (Best Dressed, Most Likely to Appear on Broadway, Most Likely to Get Lost on the Subway, etc.). I also unveiled a top 10 list I created for the event, which I am resurrecting here (this will be much funnier if you're a Mormon, have lived in Provo, and are familiar with the musicals that were running six years ago).

TOP 10 PROVO SPINOFFS OF BROADWAY SHOWS

10) Chicosmo
9) The Producers of Children
8) Phantom of the HFAC
7) Aida Lot: The Freshman 15
6) Movin' Out of Liberty Square
5) Mamma Mia-Maid
4) Man of the Malt Shoppe
3) The Play What I Stole Off the Internet (this one is pretty obscure; we were mostly Comms interns, and this happened while we were there, so it was relevant to us)
2) Thoroughly Mormon Millie
1) Take Me Out--Please--I'm About to Graduate and I'm Not Married!

You may now tell me how funny I am.

Grand slammed

2009-05-04T11:35:00.002-04:00

It's been over a month since I found out, and I can finally write about this calmly. On March 31 my friend David texted me, informing me that Denny's had discontinued their peanut butter pie (I'm pretty sure the D grade is for "delicious"). I assumed this was a cruel April Fools joke, but he assured me he was serious.

It looks like he's right--there's several new cheesecake options that look tasty, but no PB pie. It's bad enough Denny's no longer has a buffet (classically referenced here, around the 3:15 mark); now they get rid of the number one superhunk?

(Oh, I refer to the desserts at Denny's as superhunks. This is in reference to a classic Simpsons scene, in which Marge is on trial for shoplifting. The exchange goes something like this:

Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, who do you find more attractive--Tom Cruise, or Mel Gibson?
Judge: What is the point of all this?
Prosecutor: Your Honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt, I can waste the court's time rating the superhunks!
Lionel Hutz (Marge's lawyer): Wow, he's gonna win.

One night after seeing that episode, David and I and some others went to Denny's and started equating actors to desserts. I can't remember which was which, but I'm sure the apple crisp was the superhunk we felt was most underrated. The peanut butter pie was definitely my favorite, though.)

When I was at Denny's with friends and we were in a dessert mood, I'd nearly always suggest the peanut butter pie. If just three people wanted it, it was cheaper to buy a whole pie, which meant six slices, which meant I was likely to end up with more than one. But now it's gone forever. I'd like to drown my sorrows in a lumberjack slam or some moons over my hammy, but there are no Denny's in New York City.

Sharing this vaguely related anecdote might cheer me up a little, though. I recently got a text (I don't text much, despite what this post indicates) from my friend Jen, who lives in Seattle, telling me she met my friend David (a different David), who I wrote with on the BYU paper, and later on he was in my ward. He once told this story during an Elders Quorum lesson.

Seems David was on a group date (four or five couples, I think) at a restaurant, which I'm pretty sure was IHOP. One of the other guys looked at David and asked, "are we going to pay together or pay separately?"

"Separately."

The two guys were briefly confused as everyone else at the table closed their eyes, folded their arms and bowed their heads...only in Utah, right? Probably. Man, I could go for some peanut butter pie right now.

Match made in heaven

2009-04-28T20:27:00.002-04:00

One of the things I do to make some money while I continue to search for a real job is selling recycled cell phones. (Yes, I'm still drastically underemployed. Turns out my original strategy--hanging around the giant keyboard at FAO Schwartz and hoping to endear myself to a wealthy benefactor--was not a sound one.)

A lot of people lose their phones, or break them, or have them stolen, so there's a need for this service. I've even had a repeat customer. I delivered a phone to a woman who works at Forbes Magazine at their fancy Fifth Avenue office. Less than a week later, she called me again because her new phone had already been stolen. Which sucks for her, but is good for business.

It took her a while to come down and meet me in the lobby the second time, and when she finally emerged she apologized for keeping me waiting. To make it up to me, she brought me something.

"Matches from the yacht," she said.

Since the box of fire sticks said "Highlander" on it, I'm assuming when she said "the yacht" she meant this one. I had always thought there can only be one Highlander, but I guess I was wrong. Sadly, it looks like the 16 pounds of caviar (scroll down on that fun facts page) won't be consumed this season.

It turns out the rich really know how to live--these are by far the best matches I've ever used. They light on the first strike, every time. I highly recommend getting some, if you can. And since the yacht has been docked for the year, they should have some extras lying around. Make sure you check the right place; I figure they use burning $100 bills to light their cigars, but they keep matches around for the same reasons as us poor people.

Hot diggedy dog

2009-04-27T18:30:00.002-04:00

One of my biggest life goals will soon be realized. Last week I received an e-mail confirming my spot in a qualifier for the big July 4 hot dog-eating contest on Coney Island. That's right, I'm officially a competitive eater in training.

I'm older than 18, which meant I was qualified for the qualifier. I didn't have to send in a picture, or a video of me chowing down, or a medical history or anything. I just had to get my entry in on time.

When I first became exposed to the pro eating circuit and learned that all the top competitors have nicknames ("Deep Dish," "The Black Widow," "Cookie," "Eater X," etc.), I quickly settled on "The Love Handle" as my masticating moniker. But last night, a friend gave me some camel chocolate she got from a chocolatier in Dubai (turns out it's made from camel's milk; I had originally hoped that scientists had discovered that camels' humps are made of chocolate. Either way, it's good). I now can envision myself as a dessert-oriented eating superhero known as "The Chocolateer" (like this guy, but hopefully less lame). Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments.

I've always been a guy who eats a lot, but I'm not experienced at timed gorging. Hot dogs are the most well-known eating "discipline," but not one I would anticipate excelling in. So, that means I need to practice. I decided to start small, and see how quickly I could eat four hot dogs and buns for lunch today.

I tried a few different tactics to see which will work best for me. The first dog I ate straight up, with a drink of water to wash each bite down. On the second, I ate the dog separately and dunked the bun in water. For the last two I alternated between regular bites and dunking.

And it took me seven minutes.

Pretty disappointing. Feeling full or queasy or whatever wasn't the problem; I just have really bad technique. I'm a slow chewer, I'm constantly worried about choking, and I worry that eating too many soggy buns will activate my gag reflex (though doing it a little today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be). It also didn't help that I didn't wait for the dogs to cool down enough before I started.

So I guess, if I want to compete with these guys, I need to keep practicing. If nothing else, eating all these assorted hog parts might build up an immunity to the swine flu (though I may still be visiting the hospital to get my stomach pumped).

"Cool shirt, Chachi!"

2009-04-26T22:06:00.002-04:00

This was the compliment paid to me by none other than Constantine Maroulis, as he posed for a picture with my friend Larissa.

Yes, that Constantine Maroulis. The long-haired rocker from the Carrie Underwood season of American Idol that wasn't Bo Bice. The one whose eyes became constant fodder for Joel McHale. He's currently performing on Broadway in Rock of Ages, and Riss had just seen the show and wanted his autograph.

I consider Constantine's celebrity and talent to be marginal at best, but I'll give him credit for two things: first, he seems like a genuinely nice guy, and I appreciated the validation he gave me. Second, the man recognizes a good shirt when he sees one. I was wearing this beauty, a Christmas gift from my sister Chelsea. (Yes, I'm still planning to write at length of my love for Charles in Charge.)

One year older and wiser too

2009-04-25T12:41:00.004-04:00

I'm clearly not averse to shameless self-promotion, and this is never more evident than in relation to my birthday. I make sure people know when it is--it greatly increases the chances of getting presents.

I apparently did a really good job this year. This week I received "happy birthday" gifts, calls, texts, e-mails, cards, status messages, wall posts, comments, verbalizations, and/or milk and cereal from at least 85 different people. I've done my best to respond to each person individually, but in case I missed some, thank you very much. I had a great birthday, and it feels great to have so many relatives and friends who took an interest in making it so.

Here's a picture of one of my favorite birthday memories, a surprise party my friends had for me five years ago.

Getting a pie in your face is actually pretty fun, although I'm embarrassed I let them get me. In the group of nine or ten guys I hung with at the time, we had a running gag for about a year that resulted in four or five of us getting pied (the other running joke involved hiding one of those giant Pizza Pipeline boxes in each others' apartments). I believe I was the last one.

I was at the party, there was music playing, and I was dancing around, and my friend Robyn complimented my glasses and asked if she could see them. I stupidly handed them over, and then David called me into the kitchen to show me something.

I realized about two seconds before it happened that I had been duped, not enough time to avoid Aaron Lewis smashing a custard into my grill and turning me into a Skeletor look-a-like. I can't believe I fell for it, but like I said, it was fun.

My birthday is actually pretty infamous. April 20 is the stoner Christmas, the anniversary of the Columbine tragedy, and, of course, Hitler's birthday. It shocks me how many people know this. The connection was first pointed out to me by my orthodontist, of all people. This was back in the pre-Google days, when it was harder to glean random trivia like this. I'm pretty sure Stalin's birthday is not common knowledge, and nobody knows when Genghis Khan was born. Why does everyone know about Hitler?

Turns out I also share a birthday with several others of varying levels of notoriety. I knew about some of them, but I had no idea about Crispin Glover.

So thanks again for the birthday wishes. And if you forgot, don't worry, it's not too late--as some like to say, it's always 420 somewhere!

'Twas the night before Easter

2009-04-11T21:01:00.002-04:00

There are two kinds of people in this world. There's the type that prefers to watch shows like LOST or 24 on DVD, so they can consume a whole season (or more) at a time, and there's the type that prefers to watch one episode per week, as they come. Some might argue that there's a third type, a group who watch little or no TV, but that is a concept that I can't really wrap my brain around.

This categorization relates mainly to TV dramas (I'm done writing about sitcoms for a while--at least a week or so--except for this joke I forgot to include in the last post: Simpsons, here's your "One Shinning Moment").

Obviously, most people can handle either method of necessary. One of my claims to fame is that I've been a fan of 24 since hour one of day one, and have never needed to "catch up." For LOST, however, I watched the first four seasons in about two months' time.

(TV on DVD sidenote: I'm planning to rewatch Twin Peaks soon, but I'm hoping to recruit some new fans to watch with. It only lasted two seasons, so it wouldn't be burdensome. If you like LOST, X-Files, or small town folks eating pastries while supernatural events take place all around them, you would probably like Twin Peaks. Let me know if you want in.)

But my preference definitely falls on the one-episode-at-a-time side. For one thing, staying current with a show is the best way to avoid spoilers. I also have a limited attention span when I'm staring at a TV or computer screen (warped by too many short sitcoms). I can't generally handle more than 45 minutes or so of the same thing.

But the main reason I like to watch week-to-week: anticipation. I love getting excited as the hour for the new episode grows closer and closer. I love discussing and speculating with fellow fans in those lead-up days, or even during commercials if I'm watching with someone. I love being left in suspense at the end of the show. Often the anticipation is more satisfying than the payoff.

This doesn't apply just to television, either. Christmas might be a better day, but Christmas Eve is far more exciting. New Year's Eve is an event that is all about anticipation. And ask any missionary about "P-Day Eve," and I'm sure their face will light up.

That's why I've long been a proponent of adding an Eve to every holiday. It practically doubles the number of holidays, which is a good thing. A great thing, actually. Why wait until July 4 to light fireworks, when you can get the party started on Independence Eve? Take your sweetheart out to dinner on Valentine's Eve, and you'll not only win points for being eager to show affection, but you'll avoid long restaurant wait times. And your neighbors will still have all the good candy left if you trick-or-treat on All Hallow's Eve Eve.

Speaking of candy...while every holiday can easily be turned into a two-day celebration, there are several special occasions where the good times extend into a third day. One of life's simplest and most divine pleasures is hitting up a grocery store the morning after Christmas, Valentine's, Easter or Halloween (we need a good summer candy holiday, don't we?) for discounted sweets. It's like having an extra stocking, or basket, or secret admirer, or taking a pillowcase from a smaller kid.

So on Monday I'll probably trek up to the Bronx to see if I can score some half-price Snickers Eggs from Target. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. Ah, sweet anticipation!

Final Four!

2009-04-11T16:08:00.001-04:00

We've finally reached the end of the sitcom bracket. No more obscure shows to mention, and I'm a little worried that I've run out of jokes. (If any of you are tempted to say something like "Don't worry about that, you ran out of jokes three posts ago," just don't. It's rude.)

Assuming some of you have read all of these, thank you for bearing with me, and I hope I've helped to remind you that there are (and have been) plenty of good non-reality TV options. As always, winners are in bold.

SEMIFINALS

I Love Lucy vs. The Simpsons
You can probably all see where this is going. I mean, I have two pair of Homer Simpson pajama pants. And Homer slippers and flip flops. And a beer belly that is rapidly reaching Homeric proportions. The show is just in a class by itself. Lucille Ball has made more than one appearance on The Simpsons, by the way.

The Cosby Show vs. Seinfeld
Plenty of classic moments from Cosby, including this one, but Seinfeld can match it moment for moment, plus it has made a more lasting impact on our overall language and culture (yadda yadda, "no soup for you!," Festivus, etc.).

SITCOM CHAMPIONSHIP

The Simpsons vs. Seinfeld
You know why a lot of young people now get most of their news from The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, etc.? It's not because those shows are hip and fresh and relevant; it's because, when the regular news is on, young people are watching back-to-back syndicated reruns of these two finalists. It's the best pairing of all-time (take that, PB&J). I've seen many episodes of these shows literally a dozen times, and while that certainly says something about me and my priorities, it also says something about the quality of the programs.

But when all is said and done, no show has ever come close to usurping The Simpsons' spot as my all-time favorite. This whole tournament was really a battle for second place all along.

As I wrap this up, two things to ponder on your own, or for us to discuss in the comments: first, which Simpsons character(s) could/should Matt Groening build a successful spin-off around? Mr. Burns would be a logical choice; it would be like Richy Rich as a grown-up. Lenny and Carl have potential, as do Kent Brockman and Duffman. A show about Disco Stu would be hilarious, but I feel it would probably run out of steam pretty quickly.

Last of all, I'll probably want to revisit this bracket concept next year...who or what should I have compete next year? If I start thinking about it early, I'll be more likely to be done blogging about March Madness before mid-April.

Noughts Region

2009-04-11T11:24:00.001-04:00

"How rude," you must be thinking. And you're right--but I ask you to "have mercy." Ok, I'll "cut--it--out" with the catch phrases and just apologize for somehow excluding Full House from this prestigious competition. I have no idea how it happened, but I'm guessing I had trouble deciding if it should be grouped with the '80s or the '90s, and ended up neglecting it altogether.

It would've likely been a top-10 seed in the '90s region, and probably won a round or two. It was a good show.

Here we are now with a bracket of 21st-century shows. As before, winners are in bold.

1ST ROUND

1) The Simpsons vs. 32) Yes, Dear/Still Standing
They're teamed up because I honestly can't tell them apart. Two very bland, nuclear family-type sitcoms. And we all know that Homer Simpson wreaks havoc with nuclear stuff.

16) King of the Hill vs. 17) It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
I've been told I would enjoy It's Always Sunny, but I am yet to try it out. So King wins by default, but it's also a very underrated show. It's like the ER of sitcoms, the show you assumed was cancelled six years ago but then are surprised to see it still in the listings. It's done amazingly well considering how little FOX promotes it.

9) Family Guy vs. 24) My Wife and Kids
Meanwhile, Family Guy is probably the most overrated show out there. But it's definitely funny enough to beat Damon Wayans in a non-Homey the Clown or Anton Jackson role.

8) Arrested Development vs. 25) 'Til Death
I consider the first season of Arrested the best season of any sitcom ever. Every episode of the series is on Hulu. There's no reason for anyone not to experience its awesomeness.

5) South Park vs. 28) Sons & Daughters
Seeds 28-31 went to shows that I grew attached to quickly and were cancelled before they had much of a chance to build a following. Unfortunately, this also makes it less likely they will ever turn up on DVD, but check them out if you get a chance. S&D was the best of these (but still doesn't advance in the tourney).

12) Scrubs vs. 21) Samantha Who?
It seems that Zach Braff is an acquired taste, and I am yet to acquire it. But there just aren't many good sitcoms from this decade.

13) How I Met Your Mother vs. 20) George Lopez
Never watched either of these shows. But one involves Danny Tanner and Doogie Howser, and that's enough. By the way, my sister says she'll scan her Neil Patrick Harris pic from Splash Mountain and send it to me, so look for that soon.

4) Two and a Half Men vs. 29) Notes From The Underbelly
Charlie Sheen's show is TV's most-watched, but not by me. Notes is another of those hidden gems that I wish had caught on.

3) The Office vs. 30) Free Ride
Free Ride was an endearing show, and even featured the legendary Kirby Heybourne, yet somehow got yanked off the air after just a couple of episodes. Bummer.

14) Malcolm in the Middle vs. 19) Extras
Two shows I saw for the first time in Scotland (Malcolm while on my mission; don't judge me). They're both really good. But Ricky Gervais's awkward humor, while a little raunchy, tickles my funny bone like few other things ever have.

11) Entourage vs. 22) Futurama
I have nothing to say about either show, so I'll take this opportunity to point out how my tastes have shifted over the years. You'll notice that none of those Disney Channel sitcoms show up here, whereas most of the shows I watched in the '80s were the wholesome, traditional family-based sitcoms. So Cheers would've probably done better in this tournament if it debuted in 1996, while That's So Raven would've ranked higher if it was on in 1987. Hmm, this paragraph turned out to be more boring than I anticipated. Moving along...

6) The King of Queens vs. 27) What I Like About You
My brother might be upset with me for picking against Amanda Bynes, but in my eyes Jerry Stiller can do no wrong.

7) My Name Is Earl vs. 26) The Bernie Mac Show
Considering how much TV I watch, it's surprising how many of these shows I've never seen a full episode of. But Earl would show up in my Netflix queue long before Bernie.

10) Curb Your Enthusiasm vs. 23) Reba
Many times I'd return home from work, and the first thing my then-roommate Jared would say is "want to watch Reba? This is one of my favorite episodes." He had a lot of favorite episodes. I haven't seen much of Curb, but I'm pretty sure I'd like it, considering Seinfeld won the '90s Region.

15) According to Jim vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
Again, Seinfeld connections help. Interestingly, Jim Belushi and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss were on SNL at the same time. Where's Tim Kazurinsky's sitcom?

2) 30 Rock vs. 31) Knights of Prosperity
I love that someone had the guts to pitch a show about a bunch of blue collar stiffs who plot together to break into Mick Jagger's house. I love even more that someone had the guts to put it on the air. I'm sad that it was taken away from me so soon.

2ND ROUND

1) The Simpsons vs. 16) King of the Hill
Yes, the peak Simpsons years were in the '90s, but this region had fewer strong shows, and I wanted them to be more balanced. Poor Hank Hill just can't escape Homer's shadow. Dang it, Bobby!

8) Arrested Development vs. 9) Family Guy
Like a basketball team that only shoots 3-pointers (or maybe Slam Ball is a better comparison?), Family Guy is the most gimmicky show in television history. Sometimes the gimmicks work, sometimes they're annoying, sometimes they're just lazy, and a superior team/show like AD will always figure out a way to beat the gimmicks.

5) South Park vs. 12) Scrubs
I admire South Park's integrity: they make fun of absolutely everybody. Their only agenda seems to be to try to be funny and entertaining, and I can respect that.

29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 13) How I Met Your Mother
Like I said, I like Sons & Daughters better, but Notes has had a favorable draw in their part of the bracket.

3) The Office vs. 19) Extras
Which is Ricky Gervais's greatest creation? Extras was too short lived (less than 20 episodes total, I think) to be considered better.

6) The King of Queens vs. 11) Entourage
I'm not a big Kevin James fan, but I do like Stacey Carosi.

7) My Name is Earl vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
I usually mistrust guys with two first names, but since I have to pick one I'll go with Larry David over Jason Lee.

2) 30 Rock vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
I think a lot of people view Liz Lemon as the new Elaine Benes. I probably wouldn't go that far yet, but we're dealing with Christine here, not Elaine.

3RD ROUND

1) The Simpsons vs. 8) Arrested Development
Proof that I was honest in the way I've seeded these shows; otherwise I would've rigged it so these two didn't meet until the finals. Many would say that The Simpsons is past its prime, that the last few years haven't been very good, and they'd be right. Maybe even more right than they realize. I would say season 12 was its last great season, and they're on season 20 now. But when a hoops team builds a 45-point lead at halftime, they usually cruise to victory no matter how poorly they play after intermission. That's how good the early Simpsons years were.

29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 5) South Park
Is it bad that I enjoy all of the Mormon references on South Park? Although they're making jokes, it seems like they actually respect Mormons, even though they don't agree with the religion itself.

3) The Office vs. 6) The King of Queens
It turns out that an office setting is funnier than a UPS setting, which I guess is why Darryl is just a minor character.

2) 30 Rock vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
Based on the show's cast and premise, I figured 30 Rock had a chance to be my favorite show ever. But I was actually underwhelmed by the first two episodes, and never watched it again until last fall. I am so glad I gave it another chance.

REGIONAL SEMIFINAL

1) The Simpsons vs. 5) South Park
Wow, if Family Guy had defeated Arrested Development, Simpsons would've defeated its top three animation rivals in succession.

2) 30 Rock vs. 3) The Office
This is a tough one. I give the nod to 30 Rock mainly because I think the conceit of The Office doesn't make sense. The film crews and confessional interviews add to the humor of the show, but it's not realistic to think that they'd be following these paper company employees around for five years. I really hope the series finale, whenever it is, is the finished Dunder Mifflin documentary. Now that would be a clip show.

REGIONAL FINAL

1) The Simpsons vs. 2) 30 Rock
This isn't a surprise to anyone who's known me for very long, right?

Dishonorable mention: The Michael Richards Show (Seinfeld cred only goes so far), The Mullets, Stacked

'90s Region

2009-04-09T19:20:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah, the basketball tournament is over. But I'm going to keep going with mine anyway. On to the '90s Region!

1ST ROUND

1) Friends vs. 32) Herman's Head
Determining who should get the top spot in this region was probably the toughest choice of the seeding process. I ultimately decided that Friends has probably aged better than Seinfeld, meaning that if someone today watched both shows for the first time, they would relate more to Ross and Rachel than to Jerry and Elaine. Jane Sibbett was in both of these shows, but she played a lesbian in the one that wasn't on FOX. That's weird. I liked Herman, but I'm glad it didn't last too long, or it may have impacted the success of The Simpsons.

16) The Larry Sanders Show vs. 17) Blossom
I've never watched Sanders, but I've heard good things and would like to check it out some day. I never really watched Blossom either, but it gets the nod on the strength of a classic SNL skit where car keys were mistaken for condoms and nothing was as it seems. Whoa! Unfortunately, I can't find video of it anywhere.

9) Saved By the Bell vs. 24) NewsRadio
So sad that one of these shows has to go out in the first round. Phil Hartman is one of the most underrated comedians ever. I miss him much more than Chris Farley. Such a good ensemble cast on that show that one can even tolerate the presence of Joe Rogan and Andy Dick.

8) Murphy Brown vs. 25) Ned & Stacey
Candice Bergen gets kudos for adding Pee-Wee Herman and wrong-bathroom-user Garry Marshall to the cast late in her show's run, but it's not enough to beat my favorite underrated '90s sitcom.

5) Home Improvement vs. 28) Just Shoot Me
You don't need "more power" to beat David Spade. He's pretty scrawny.

12) Mad About You vs. 21) The Drew Carey Show
So frustrating that one of these shows advances while NewsRadio gets sent packing. I should have done a better job rigging the seedings. I am not exaggerating when I say that the first four times I stumbled upon Mad while channel surfing, it was the same unfunny part of the same unfunny episode, one where Helen Hunt had kissed another guy and is trying to get Paul Reiser to forgive her. That's a great sitcom.

13) Boy Meets World vs. 20) Family Matters
Spinning off from Perfect Strangers can only get you so far. But one character from the show may win in a separate bracket.

4) Roseanne vs. 29) Spin City
Sara Gilbert's presence in the aforementioned Blossom sketch gives Roseanne the edge in this matchup of two more shows I never saw much of.

3) Everybody Loves Raymond vs. 30) Step By Step
Step By Step taught me the joys of mixing milk and chocolate syrup in my mouth, but it's just such a blatant ripoff of The Brady Bunch.

14) That '70s Show vs. 19) Wings
Remember when everyone thought the entire '70s cast were going to become big stars? How's that working out? Anyone seen Wilmer lately?

11) Will & Grace vs. 22) Ellen
I promise I didn't set up this showdown on purpose. I think Ellen is the funniest woman since Lucille Ball, but that's more in relation to her stand-up and her talk show, and not so much her sitcom or her acting.

6) Frasier vs. 27) Arli$$
Oh, why can't someone make a good sports sitcom?

7) Sex and the City vs. 26) Northern Exposure
The ultimate small town-big city matchup. I choose the show with Kristin Davis, regardless of where she lives.

10) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air vs. 23) Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Will Smith to Melissa Joan Hart: "yo homes, smell ya later!"

15) 3rd Rock From the Sun vs. 18) The Nanny
3rd Rock can easily be confused with 30 Rock, which is a better show. Fran Drescher's laugh can easily be confused with a weedwacker, which is a more pleasant sound.

2) Seinfeld vs. 31) Dharma & Greg
What's the deal with hippies marrying yuppies? I don't get it!

2ND ROUND

1) Friends vs. 17) Blossom
I didn't like Friends much at the end, but the first few seasons were pretty funny, actually.

25) Ned & Stacey vs. 9) Saved By The Bell
Thomas Haden Church and Debra Messing at their finest still can't top The Max's best customers.

5) Home Improvement vs. 21) The Drew Carey Show
Drew Carey has ruined at least two shows that were great with different hosts. He's just not funny. Even so, I assumed he was at least capable of feigning excitement. I was wrong.

4) Roseanne vs. 13) Boy Meets World
BMW's balanced attack (likeable male leads, an amazing girlfriend, a cool teacher, a neighbor/principal with a legendary voice) is too much for Roseanne's superstar-heavy (I mean heavy superstar) lineup.

3) Everybody Loves Raymond vs. 19) Wings
Sweet sassy molassey! Raymond is on a roll.

6) Frasier vs. 11) Will & Grace
The W&G guys are more masculine than Frasier and Niles, I think. Sean Hayes hosted one of SNL's best-ever episodes, and as we've already seen, that actually matters in this tournament.

7) Sex and the City vs. 10) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
As a teenager, I once saw Tom Jones at the airport in SLC. I only recognized him because of his connection with Carlton Banks. I'd also like to point out that, if some adjustments were made to the length of the court and height of the basket, Will Smith could dominate in real March Madness.

2) Seinfeld vs. 15) 3rd Rock From the Sun
Wayne Knight's only relevant comedy roles go head to head! Unless you count Space Jam. And nobody counts Space Jam.

3RD ROUND

1) Friends vs. 9) Saved By The Bell
The six on six is pretty much a wash, but the coaching edge (Belding vs. Gunther) clearly goes to Bayside.

13) Boy Meets World vs. 5) Home Improvement
Most sitcoms get worse when the kids grow up and become un-cute. This happened to Home Improvement, but Boy Meets World avoided the curse. Cory, Shawn and Topanga remained appealing into young adulthood, and that helped it become a classic show instead of a good one.

3) Everybody Loves Raymond vs. 11) Will & Grace
W&G is advancing much farther than I thought it would. But Raymond is a very overrated show, I think.

2) Seinfeld vs. 10) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
In the '90s, The Simpsons was banned in my house, but we all watched Fresh Prince together in spite of its swearing, sexual innuendo, and introduction of Tyra Banks into mainstream culture. Kind of strange.

REGIONAL SEMIFINAL

9) Saved By The Bell vs. 13) Boy Meets World
They keep winning! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!

2) Seinfeld vs. 11) Will & Grace
It's hard to keep a Cinderella run going when your team is full of Prince Charmings. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

REGIONAL FINAL

9) Saved By The Bell vs. 2) Seinfeld
Let it be known that I am firmly on the "pro" side when it comes to the Seinfeld finale. I thought it was a perfect way to end the series.

NIT bound: Veronica's Closet, Two Guys and a Girl (with or without the pizza place), The Single Guy, Suddenly Susan, Living Single, Caroline in the City, The Critic, Dinosaurs, Evening Shade, Get a Life, Boston Common, Hanigin' with Mr. Cooper, Roc

Not even if the tourney expanded to 1,012: Vinnie & Bobby (and you thought Joey was Matt LeBlanc's first terrible show), Shasta McNasty, Hang Time (this team and the High School Musical guys should play each other, no?), and of course, Homeboys in Outer Space

'80s Region

2009-04-06T19:33:00.002-04:00

Ah, the '80s. So many great sitcoms. The last post was the Classic Region, but these are the ones that are classics to me, the ones I grew up on. As before, winning shows are in bold.

1ST ROUND

1) Cheers vs. 32) The Charmings
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Snow White lived in a modern, suburban setting? Neither have I. But amazingly, someone did.

16) Night Court vs. 17) Punky Brewster
I'm slightly ashamed to admit I had a crush on Markie Post back in the day. I'm not at all ashamed to admit I have a crush on Soleil Moon Frye now.

9) Growing Pains vs. 24) The Facts of Life
DiCaprio and Pitt oust Clooney in this battle of future Hollywood leading men. Poor Tootie.

8) Family Ties vs. 25) Empty Nest
No your eyes aren't deceiving you. The star of Empty Nest is the one and only Barnaby Barnacle from Babes In Toyland. But it's not enough to knock off Alex P. Keaton.

5) Moonlighting vs. 28) Bosom Buddies
Tom Hanks is like the high school phenom who leaves college after one year for the NBA, while Peter Scolari wonders what might have been.

12) Doogie Howser, M.D. vs. 21) Charles In Charge
I got season 1 of Charles on DVD for Christmas, and I'm surprised I haven't devoted an entire blog post to it yet. I probably will some day. Doogie goes down faster here than Neil Patrick Harris on Splash Mountain, as depicted on my parents' fridge. Seriously. But the theme song was surprisingly epic.

13) ALF vs. 20) Perfect Strangers
I also got the first two seasons of Perfect Strangers for Christmas. When it comes to illegal aliens, I'll take Cousin Balki over Alf.

4) Married With Children vs. 29) Square Pegs
Sarah Jessica Parker was a square peg, and Katey Sagal was a whiny Peg. Pretty much a toss up, so I'll go with the one I've seen more of.

3) The Dukes of Hazzard vs. 30) Police Squad!
John Stamos will always be the "other" Uncle Jesse to me.

14) Webster vs. 19) Designing Women
I wanted to live in Webster's house when I was a kid. That dumbwaiter was the coolest thing ever.

11) Who's the Boss? vs. 22) Head of the Class
As if there weren't enough good reasons to be a baseball player, there's always the chance you could date Alyssa Milano. But if you're more nerd than athlete, you may still get to sit next to Simone or Robin Givens in class. I'm more nerd than athlete.

6) WKRP in Cincinnati vs. 27) Coach
But I do like sports, so it's a shame that Coach is about as good as it gets for sports-themed sitcoms.

7) Diff'rent Strokes vs. 26) Mr. Belvedere
I was a big Belvedere fan, but not as big as these guys, so his show loses in the first round.

10) The Wonder Years vs. 23) Silver Spoons
Ok, Ricky Schroder's house might have been even cooler than Webster's. But Fred Savage had the better show.

15) Golden Girls vs. 18) Mork & Mindy
I will not respond to the rumor that I own a tape from a college TV production class in which I played the Bea Arthur role in a "Golden Boys" episode.

2) The Cosby Show vs. 31) Small Wonder
Billy Corgan must be so glad his involvement with Small Wonder is just an urban legend. Yikes.

2ND ROUND

1) Cheers vs. 17) Punky Brewster
As great as Punky was, I don't know if she has any clips that can top this one. Or this one.

8) Family Ties vs. 9) Growing Pains
Super-sub Tom Hanks helps Family Ties pull out the victory in one of those classic "you-hate-to-see-anyone-lose-this-one" contests.

5) Moonlighting vs. 21) Charles In Charge
In looking for a clip, I've discovered that Moonlighting seems to be one of the dramedies I tried to leave out of this bracket. Oh well, I'm not changing it now.

4) Married With Children vs. 20) Perfect Strangers
Is Al Bundy better than this '80s Odd Couple? Don't be ridiculous!

3) The Dukes of Hazzard vs. 14) Webster
When in doubt, go with the show that you had pajamas of when you were a kid.

6) WKRP in Cincinnati vs. 22) Head of the Class
In the Battle of Howard Hesseman, I give the nod to the show that first exposed me to Little Shop of Horrors, which is still my favorite musical.

7) Diff'rent Strokes vs. 10) Wonder Years
Since Arnold can't hear the inner monologue, he would never say "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Kevin?" And without the charm of that catch phrase, Diff'rent Strokes doesn't stand a chance.

2) The Cosby Show vs. 15) Golden Girls
The Cosby kids seemed to have a lot of grandfathers. Maybe they could hook up with the Golden Girls. That might be some consolation back in St. Olaf.

3RD ROUND

1) Cheers vs. 8) Family Ties
Many consider Cheers the best sitcom of all-time, so to them it may be blasphemous that I have it bowing out so early in the tournament, and perhaps equally blasphemous that I prefer Rebecca to Diane. It was an adult-oriented sitcom, and I was a kid when it was on, and that's probably the main reason I don't rate it as high as others.

20) Perfect Strangers vs. 21) Charles In Charge
After watching my Christmas DVDs, it's clear that Charles and not Balki would be doing the dance of joy after these two square off.

3) Dukes of Hazzard vs. 22) Head of the Class
A remake with Jessica Simpson is less egregious than Billy Connolly taking over as the teacher.

2) The Cosby Show vs. 10) The Wonder Years
Cliff and Claire Huxtable never seem to work much, so they should be well-rested as this long tourney drags on.

REGIONAL SEMIFINAL

8) Family Ties vs. 21) Charles In Charge
I told you...stay tuned for a super-long post at some point about how great Charles In Charge is.

2) The Cosby Show vs. 3) The Dukes of Hazzard
Everything Adam Sandler touches turns to gold.

REGIONAL FINAL

21) Charles In Charge vs. 2) The Cosby Show
I only own season 1 of Charles. If they had kept the original family in later seasons, and never let Chaz Lamborghini see the light of day (not once but twice!), it may have been the greatest sitcom ever. Now the door is open for the pudding pop man.

NIT Bound: Benson, Kate & Allie, Mama's Family, Major Dad, The Hogan Family, Amen, and a show that would have probably made the final four if my old roommate Will was doing this bracket--Misfits of Science.