One of the things I do to make some money while I continue to search for a real job is selling recycled cell phones. (Yes, I'm still drastically underemployed. Turns out my original strategy--hanging around the giant keyboard at FAO Schwartz and hoping to endear myself to a wealthy benefactor--was not a sound one.)
A lot of people lose their phones, or break them, or have them stolen, so there's a need for this service. I've even had a repeat customer. I delivered a phone to a woman who works at Forbes Magazine at their fancy Fifth Avenue office. Less than a week later, she called me again because her new phone had already been stolen. Which sucks for her, but is good for business.
It took her a while to come down and meet me in the lobby the second time, and when she finally emerged she apologized for keeping me waiting. To make it up to me, she brought me something.
"Matches from the yacht," she said.
Since the box of fire sticks said "Highlander" on it, I'm assuming when she said "the yacht" she meant this one. I had always thought there can only be one Highlander, but I guess I was wrong. Sadly, it looks like the 16 pounds of caviar (scroll down on that fun facts page) won't be consumed this season.
It turns out the rich really know how to live--these are by far the best matches I've ever used. They light on the first strike, every time. I highly recommend getting some, if you can. And since the yacht has been docked for the year, they should have some extras lying around. Make sure you check the right place; I figure they use burning $100 bills to light their cigars, but they keep matches around for the same reasons as us poor people.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Hot diggedy dog
One of my biggest life goals will soon be realized. Last week I received an e-mail confirming my spot in a qualifier for the big July 4 hot dog-eating contest on Coney Island. That's right, I'm officially a competitive eater in training.
I'm older than 18, which meant I was qualified for the qualifier. I didn't have to send in a picture, or a video of me chowing down, or a medical history or anything. I just had to get my entry in on time.
When I first became exposed to the pro eating circuit and learned that all the top competitors have nicknames ("Deep Dish," "The Black Widow," "Cookie," "Eater X," etc.), I quickly settled on "The Love Handle" as my masticating moniker. But last night, a friend gave me some camel chocolate she got from a chocolatier in Dubai (turns out it's made from camel's milk; I had originally hoped that scientists had discovered that camels' humps are made of chocolate. Either way, it's good). I now can envision myself as a dessert-oriented eating superhero known as "The Chocolateer" (like this guy, but hopefully less lame). Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments.
I've always been a guy who eats a lot, but I'm not experienced at timed gorging. Hot dogs are the most well-known eating "discipline," but not one I would anticipate excelling in. So, that means I need to practice. I decided to start small, and see how quickly I could eat four hot dogs and buns for lunch today.
I tried a few different tactics to see which will work best for me. The first dog I ate straight up, with a drink of water to wash each bite down. On the second, I ate the dog separately and dunked the bun in water. For the last two I alternated between regular bites and dunking.
And it took me seven minutes.
Pretty disappointing. Feeling full or queasy or whatever wasn't the problem; I just have really bad technique. I'm a slow chewer, I'm constantly worried about choking, and I worry that eating too many soggy buns will activate my gag reflex (though doing it a little today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be). It also didn't help that I didn't wait for the dogs to cool down enough before I started.
So I guess, if I want to compete with these guys, I need to keep practicing. If nothing else, eating all these assorted hog parts might build up an immunity to the swine flu (though I may still be visiting the hospital to get my stomach pumped).
I'm older than 18, which meant I was qualified for the qualifier. I didn't have to send in a picture, or a video of me chowing down, or a medical history or anything. I just had to get my entry in on time.
When I first became exposed to the pro eating circuit and learned that all the top competitors have nicknames ("Deep Dish," "The Black Widow," "Cookie," "Eater X," etc.), I quickly settled on "The Love Handle" as my masticating moniker. But last night, a friend gave me some camel chocolate she got from a chocolatier in Dubai (turns out it's made from camel's milk; I had originally hoped that scientists had discovered that camels' humps are made of chocolate. Either way, it's good). I now can envision myself as a dessert-oriented eating superhero known as "The Chocolateer" (like this guy, but hopefully less lame). Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments.
I've always been a guy who eats a lot, but I'm not experienced at timed gorging. Hot dogs are the most well-known eating "discipline," but not one I would anticipate excelling in. So, that means I need to practice. I decided to start small, and see how quickly I could eat four hot dogs and buns for lunch today.
I tried a few different tactics to see which will work best for me. The first dog I ate straight up, with a drink of water to wash each bite down. On the second, I ate the dog separately and dunked the bun in water. For the last two I alternated between regular bites and dunking.
And it took me seven minutes.
Pretty disappointing. Feeling full or queasy or whatever wasn't the problem; I just have really bad technique. I'm a slow chewer, I'm constantly worried about choking, and I worry that eating too many soggy buns will activate my gag reflex (though doing it a little today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be). It also didn't help that I didn't wait for the dogs to cool down enough before I started.
So I guess, if I want to compete with these guys, I need to keep practicing. If nothing else, eating all these assorted hog parts might build up an immunity to the swine flu (though I may still be visiting the hospital to get my stomach pumped).
Sunday, April 26, 2009
"Cool shirt, Chachi!"
This was the compliment paid to me by none other than Constantine Maroulis, as he posed for a picture with my friend Larissa.
Yes, that Constantine Maroulis. The long-haired rocker from the Carrie Underwood season of American Idol that wasn't Bo Bice. The one whose eyes became constant fodder for Joel McHale. He's currently performing on Broadway in Rock of Ages, and Riss had just seen the show and wanted his autograph.
I consider Constantine's celebrity and talent to be marginal at best, but I'll give him credit for two things: first, he seems like a genuinely nice guy, and I appreciated the validation he gave me. Second, the man recognizes a good shirt when he sees one. I was wearing this beauty, a Christmas gift from my sister Chelsea. (Yes, I'm still planning to write at length of my love for Charles in Charge.)
Yes, that Constantine Maroulis. The long-haired rocker from the Carrie Underwood season of American Idol that wasn't Bo Bice. The one whose eyes became constant fodder for Joel McHale. He's currently performing on Broadway in Rock of Ages, and Riss had just seen the show and wanted his autograph.
I consider Constantine's celebrity and talent to be marginal at best, but I'll give him credit for two things: first, he seems like a genuinely nice guy, and I appreciated the validation he gave me. Second, the man recognizes a good shirt when he sees one. I was wearing this beauty, a Christmas gift from my sister Chelsea. (Yes, I'm still planning to write at length of my love for Charles in Charge.)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
One year older and wiser too
I'm clearly not averse to shameless self-promotion, and this is never more evident than in relation to my birthday. I make sure people know when it is--it greatly increases the chances of getting presents.
I apparently did a really good job this year. This week I received "happy birthday" gifts, calls, texts, e-mails, cards, status messages, wall posts, comments, verbalizations, and/or milk and cereal from at least 85 different people. I've done my best to respond to each person individually, but in case I missed some, thank you very much. I had a great birthday, and it feels great to have so many relatives and friends who took an interest in making it so.
Here's a picture of one of my favorite birthday memories, a surprise party my friends had for me five years ago.
I was at the party, there was music playing, and I was dancing around, and my friend Robyn complimented my glasses and asked if she could see them. I stupidly handed them over, and then David called me into the kitchen to show me something.
I realized about two seconds before it happened that I had been duped, not enough time to avoid Aaron Lewis smashing a custard into my grill and turning me into a Skeletor look-a-like. I can't believe I fell for it, but like I said, it was fun.
My birthday is actually pretty infamous. April 20 is the stoner Christmas, the anniversary of the Columbine tragedy, and, of course, Hitler's birthday. It shocks me how many people know this. The connection was first pointed out to me by my orthodontist, of all people. This was back in the pre-Google days, when it was harder to glean random trivia like this. I'm pretty sure Stalin's birthday is not common knowledge, and nobody knows when Genghis Khan was born. Why does everyone know about Hitler?
Turns out I also share a birthday with several others of varying levels of notoriety. I knew about some of them, but I had no idea about Crispin Glover.
So thanks again for the birthday wishes. And if you forgot, don't worry, it's not too late--as some like to say, it's always 420 somewhere!
I apparently did a really good job this year. This week I received "happy birthday" gifts, calls, texts, e-mails, cards, status messages, wall posts, comments, verbalizations, and/or milk and cereal from at least 85 different people. I've done my best to respond to each person individually, but in case I missed some, thank you very much. I had a great birthday, and it feels great to have so many relatives and friends who took an interest in making it so.
Here's a picture of one of my favorite birthday memories, a surprise party my friends had for me five years ago.
I was at the party, there was music playing, and I was dancing around, and my friend Robyn complimented my glasses and asked if she could see them. I stupidly handed them over, and then David called me into the kitchen to show me something.
I realized about two seconds before it happened that I had been duped, not enough time to avoid Aaron Lewis smashing a custard into my grill and turning me into a Skeletor look-a-like. I can't believe I fell for it, but like I said, it was fun.
My birthday is actually pretty infamous. April 20 is the stoner Christmas, the anniversary of the Columbine tragedy, and, of course, Hitler's birthday. It shocks me how many people know this. The connection was first pointed out to me by my orthodontist, of all people. This was back in the pre-Google days, when it was harder to glean random trivia like this. I'm pretty sure Stalin's birthday is not common knowledge, and nobody knows when Genghis Khan was born. Why does everyone know about Hitler?
Turns out I also share a birthday with several others of varying levels of notoriety. I knew about some of them, but I had no idea about Crispin Glover.
So thanks again for the birthday wishes. And if you forgot, don't worry, it's not too late--as some like to say, it's always 420 somewhere!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
'Twas the night before Easter
There are two kinds of people in this world. There's the type that prefers to watch shows like LOST or 24 on DVD, so they can consume a whole season (or more) at a time, and there's the type that prefers to watch one episode per week, as they come. Some might argue that there's a third type, a group who watch little or no TV, but that is a concept that I can't really wrap my brain around.
This categorization relates mainly to TV dramas (I'm done writing about sitcoms for a while--at least a week or so--except for this joke I forgot to include in the last post: Simpsons, here's your "One Shinning Moment").
Obviously, most people can handle either method of necessary. One of my claims to fame is that I've been a fan of 24 since hour one of day one, and have never needed to "catch up." For LOST, however, I watched the first four seasons in about two months' time.
(TV on DVD sidenote: I'm planning to rewatch Twin Peaks soon, but I'm hoping to recruit some new fans to watch with. It only lasted two seasons, so it wouldn't be burdensome. If you like LOST, X-Files, or small town folks eating pastries while supernatural events take place all around them, you would probably like Twin Peaks. Let me know if you want in.)
But my preference definitely falls on the one-episode-at-a-time side. For one thing, staying current with a show is the best way to avoid spoilers. I also have a limited attention span when I'm staring at a TV or computer screen (warped by too many short sitcoms). I can't generally handle more than 45 minutes or so of the same thing.
But the main reason I like to watch week-to-week: anticipation. I love getting excited as the hour for the new episode grows closer and closer. I love discussing and speculating with fellow fans in those lead-up days, or even during commercials if I'm watching with someone. I love being left in suspense at the end of the show. Often the anticipation is more satisfying than the payoff.
This doesn't apply just to television, either. Christmas might be a better day, but Christmas Eve is far more exciting. New Year's Eve is an event that is all about anticipation. And ask any missionary about "P-Day Eve," and I'm sure their face will light up.
That's why I've long been a proponent of adding an Eve to every holiday. It practically doubles the number of holidays, which is a good thing. A great thing, actually. Why wait until July 4 to light fireworks, when you can get the party started on Independence Eve? Take your sweetheart out to dinner on Valentine's Eve, and you'll not only win points for being eager to show affection, but you'll avoid long restaurant wait times. And your neighbors will still have all the good candy left if you trick-or-treat on All Hallow's Eve Eve.
Speaking of candy...while every holiday can easily be turned into a two-day celebration, there are several special occasions where the good times extend into a third day. One of life's simplest and most divine pleasures is hitting up a grocery store the morning after Christmas, Valentine's, Easter or Halloween (we need a good summer candy holiday, don't we?) for discounted sweets. It's like having an extra stocking, or basket, or secret admirer, or taking a pillowcase from a smaller kid.
So on Monday I'll probably trek up to the Bronx to see if I can score some half-price Snickers Eggs from Target. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. Ah, sweet anticipation!
This categorization relates mainly to TV dramas (I'm done writing about sitcoms for a while--at least a week or so--except for this joke I forgot to include in the last post: Simpsons, here's your "One Shinning Moment").
Obviously, most people can handle either method of necessary. One of my claims to fame is that I've been a fan of 24 since hour one of day one, and have never needed to "catch up." For LOST, however, I watched the first four seasons in about two months' time.
(TV on DVD sidenote: I'm planning to rewatch Twin Peaks soon, but I'm hoping to recruit some new fans to watch with. It only lasted two seasons, so it wouldn't be burdensome. If you like LOST, X-Files, or small town folks eating pastries while supernatural events take place all around them, you would probably like Twin Peaks. Let me know if you want in.)
But my preference definitely falls on the one-episode-at-a-time side. For one thing, staying current with a show is the best way to avoid spoilers. I also have a limited attention span when I'm staring at a TV or computer screen (warped by too many short sitcoms). I can't generally handle more than 45 minutes or so of the same thing.
But the main reason I like to watch week-to-week: anticipation. I love getting excited as the hour for the new episode grows closer and closer. I love discussing and speculating with fellow fans in those lead-up days, or even during commercials if I'm watching with someone. I love being left in suspense at the end of the show. Often the anticipation is more satisfying than the payoff.
This doesn't apply just to television, either. Christmas might be a better day, but Christmas Eve is far more exciting. New Year's Eve is an event that is all about anticipation. And ask any missionary about "P-Day Eve," and I'm sure their face will light up.
That's why I've long been a proponent of adding an Eve to every holiday. It practically doubles the number of holidays, which is a good thing. A great thing, actually. Why wait until July 4 to light fireworks, when you can get the party started on Independence Eve? Take your sweetheart out to dinner on Valentine's Eve, and you'll not only win points for being eager to show affection, but you'll avoid long restaurant wait times. And your neighbors will still have all the good candy left if you trick-or-treat on All Hallow's Eve Eve.
Speaking of candy...while every holiday can easily be turned into a two-day celebration, there are several special occasions where the good times extend into a third day. One of life's simplest and most divine pleasures is hitting up a grocery store the morning after Christmas, Valentine's, Easter or Halloween (we need a good summer candy holiday, don't we?) for discounted sweets. It's like having an extra stocking, or basket, or secret admirer, or taking a pillowcase from a smaller kid.
So on Monday I'll probably trek up to the Bronx to see if I can score some half-price Snickers Eggs from Target. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. Ah, sweet anticipation!
Final Four!
We've finally reached the end of the sitcom bracket. No more obscure shows to mention, and I'm a little worried that I've run out of jokes. (If any of you are tempted to say something like "Don't worry about that, you ran out of jokes three posts ago," just don't. It's rude.)
Assuming some of you have read all of these, thank you for bearing with me, and I hope I've helped to remind you that there are (and have been) plenty of good non-reality TV options. As always, winners are in bold.
SEMIFINALS
I Love Lucy vs. The Simpsons
You can probably all see where this is going. I mean, I have two pair of Homer Simpson pajama pants. And Homer slippers and flip flops. And a beer belly that is rapidly reaching Homeric proportions. The show is just in a class by itself. Lucille Ball has made more than one appearance on The Simpsons, by the way.
The Cosby Show vs. Seinfeld
Plenty of classic moments from Cosby, including this one, but Seinfeld can match it moment for moment, plus it has made a more lasting impact on our overall language and culture (yadda yadda, "no soup for you!," Festivus, etc.).
SITCOM CHAMPIONSHIP
The Simpsons vs. Seinfeld
You know why a lot of young people now get most of their news from The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, etc.? It's not because those shows are hip and fresh and relevant; it's because, when the regular news is on, young people are watching back-to-back syndicated reruns of these two finalists. It's the best pairing of all-time (take that, PB&J). I've seen many episodes of these shows literally a dozen times, and while that certainly says something about me and my priorities, it also says something about the quality of the programs.
But when all is said and done, no show has ever come close to usurping The Simpsons' spot as my all-time favorite. This whole tournament was really a battle for second place all along.
As I wrap this up, two things to ponder on your own, or for us to discuss in the comments: first, which Simpsons character(s) could/should Matt Groening build a successful spin-off around? Mr. Burns would be a logical choice; it would be like Richy Rich as a grown-up. Lenny and Carl have potential, as do Kent Brockman and Duffman. A show about Disco Stu would be hilarious, but I feel it would probably run out of steam pretty quickly.
Last of all, I'll probably want to revisit this bracket concept next year...who or what should I have compete next year? If I start thinking about it early, I'll be more likely to be done blogging about March Madness before mid-April.
Assuming some of you have read all of these, thank you for bearing with me, and I hope I've helped to remind you that there are (and have been) plenty of good non-reality TV options. As always, winners are in bold.
SEMIFINALS
I Love Lucy vs. The Simpsons
You can probably all see where this is going. I mean, I have two pair of Homer Simpson pajama pants. And Homer slippers and flip flops. And a beer belly that is rapidly reaching Homeric proportions. The show is just in a class by itself. Lucille Ball has made more than one appearance on The Simpsons, by the way.
The Cosby Show vs. Seinfeld
Plenty of classic moments from Cosby, including this one, but Seinfeld can match it moment for moment, plus it has made a more lasting impact on our overall language and culture (yadda yadda, "no soup for you!," Festivus, etc.).
SITCOM CHAMPIONSHIP
The Simpsons vs. Seinfeld
You know why a lot of young people now get most of their news from The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, etc.? It's not because those shows are hip and fresh and relevant; it's because, when the regular news is on, young people are watching back-to-back syndicated reruns of these two finalists. It's the best pairing of all-time (take that, PB&J). I've seen many episodes of these shows literally a dozen times, and while that certainly says something about me and my priorities, it also says something about the quality of the programs.
But when all is said and done, no show has ever come close to usurping The Simpsons' spot as my all-time favorite. This whole tournament was really a battle for second place all along.
As I wrap this up, two things to ponder on your own, or for us to discuss in the comments: first, which Simpsons character(s) could/should Matt Groening build a successful spin-off around? Mr. Burns would be a logical choice; it would be like Richy Rich as a grown-up. Lenny and Carl have potential, as do Kent Brockman and Duffman. A show about Disco Stu would be hilarious, but I feel it would probably run out of steam pretty quickly.
Last of all, I'll probably want to revisit this bracket concept next year...who or what should I have compete next year? If I start thinking about it early, I'll be more likely to be done blogging about March Madness before mid-April.
Noughts Region
"How rude," you must be thinking. And you're right--but I ask you to "have mercy." Ok, I'll "cut--it--out" with the catch phrases and just apologize for somehow excluding Full House from this prestigious competition. I have no idea how it happened, but I'm guessing I had trouble deciding if it should be grouped with the '80s or the '90s, and ended up neglecting it altogether.
It would've likely been a top-10 seed in the '90s region, and probably won a round or two. It was a good show.
Here we are now with a bracket of 21st-century shows. As before, winners are in bold.
1ST ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 32) Yes, Dear/Still Standing
They're teamed up because I honestly can't tell them apart. Two very bland, nuclear family-type sitcoms. And we all know that Homer Simpson wreaks havoc with nuclear stuff.
16) King of the Hill vs. 17) It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
I've been told I would enjoy It's Always Sunny, but I am yet to try it out. So King wins by default, but it's also a very underrated show. It's like the ER of sitcoms, the show you assumed was cancelled six years ago but then are surprised to see it still in the listings. It's done amazingly well considering how little FOX promotes it.
9) Family Guy vs. 24) My Wife and Kids
Meanwhile, Family Guy is probably the most overrated show out there. But it's definitely funny enough to beat Damon Wayans in a non-Homey the Clown or Anton Jackson role.
8) Arrested Development vs. 25) 'Til Death
I consider the first season of Arrested the best season of any sitcom ever. Every episode of the series is on Hulu. There's no reason for anyone not to experience its awesomeness.
5) South Park vs. 28) Sons & Daughters
Seeds 28-31 went to shows that I grew attached to quickly and were cancelled before they had much of a chance to build a following. Unfortunately, this also makes it less likely they will ever turn up on DVD, but check them out if you get a chance. S&D was the best of these (but still doesn't advance in the tourney).
12) Scrubs vs. 21) Samantha Who?
It seems that Zach Braff is an acquired taste, and I am yet to acquire it. But there just aren't many good sitcoms from this decade.
13) How I Met Your Mother vs. 20) George Lopez
Never watched either of these shows. But one involves Danny Tanner and Doogie Howser, and that's enough. By the way, my sister says she'll scan her Neil Patrick Harris pic from Splash Mountain and send it to me, so look for that soon.
4) Two and a Half Men vs. 29) Notes From The Underbelly
Charlie Sheen's show is TV's most-watched, but not by me. Notes is another of those hidden gems that I wish had caught on.
3) The Office vs. 30) Free Ride
Free Ride was an endearing show, and even featured the legendary Kirby Heybourne, yet somehow got yanked off the air after just a couple of episodes. Bummer.
14) Malcolm in the Middle vs. 19) Extras
Two shows I saw for the first time in Scotland (Malcolm while on my mission; don't judge me). They're both really good. But Ricky Gervais's awkward humor, while a little raunchy, tickles my funny bone like few other things ever have.
11) Entourage vs. 22) Futurama
I have nothing to say about either show, so I'll take this opportunity to point out how my tastes have shifted over the years. You'll notice that none of those Disney Channel sitcoms show up here, whereas most of the shows I watched in the '80s were the wholesome, traditional family-based sitcoms. So Cheers would've probably done better in this tournament if it debuted in 1996, while That's So Raven would've ranked higher if it was on in 1987. Hmm, this paragraph turned out to be more boring than I anticipated. Moving along...
6) The King of Queens vs. 27) What I Like About You
My brother might be upset with me for picking against Amanda Bynes, but in my eyes Jerry Stiller can do no wrong.
7) My Name Is Earl vs. 26) The Bernie Mac Show
Considering how much TV I watch, it's surprising how many of these shows I've never seen a full episode of. But Earl would show up in my Netflix queue long before Bernie.
10) Curb Your Enthusiasm vs. 23) Reba
Many times I'd return home from work, and the first thing my then-roommate Jared would say is "want to watch Reba? This is one of my favorite episodes." He had a lot of favorite episodes. I haven't seen much of Curb, but I'm pretty sure I'd like it, considering Seinfeld won the '90s Region.
15) According to Jim vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
Again, Seinfeld connections help. Interestingly, Jim Belushi and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss were on SNL at the same time. Where's Tim Kazurinsky's sitcom?
2) 30 Rock vs. 31) Knights of Prosperity
I love that someone had the guts to pitch a show about a bunch of blue collar stiffs who plot together to break into Mick Jagger's house. I love even more that someone had the guts to put it on the air. I'm sad that it was taken away from me so soon.
2ND ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 16) King of the Hill
Yes, the peak Simpsons years were in the '90s, but this region had fewer strong shows, and I wanted them to be more balanced. Poor Hank Hill just can't escape Homer's shadow. Dang it, Bobby!
8) Arrested Development vs. 9) Family Guy
Like a basketball team that only shoots 3-pointers (or maybe Slam Ball is a better comparison?), Family Guy is the most gimmicky show in television history. Sometimes the gimmicks work, sometimes they're annoying, sometimes they're just lazy, and a superior team/show like AD will always figure out a way to beat the gimmicks.
5) South Park vs. 12) Scrubs
I admire South Park's integrity: they make fun of absolutely everybody. Their only agenda seems to be to try to be funny and entertaining, and I can respect that.
29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 13) How I Met Your Mother
Like I said, I like Sons & Daughters better, but Notes has had a favorable draw in their part of the bracket.
3) The Office vs. 19) Extras
Which is Ricky Gervais's greatest creation? Extras was too short lived (less than 20 episodes total, I think) to be considered better.
6) The King of Queens vs. 11) Entourage
I'm not a big Kevin James fan, but I do like Stacey Carosi.
7) My Name is Earl vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
I usually mistrust guys with two first names, but since I have to pick one I'll go with Larry David over Jason Lee.
2) 30 Rock vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
I think a lot of people view Liz Lemon as the new Elaine Benes. I probably wouldn't go that far yet, but we're dealing with Christine here, not Elaine.
3RD ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 8) Arrested Development
Proof that I was honest in the way I've seeded these shows; otherwise I would've rigged it so these two didn't meet until the finals. Many would say that The Simpsons is past its prime, that the last few years haven't been very good, and they'd be right. Maybe even more right than they realize. I would say season 12 was its last great season, and they're on season 20 now. But when a hoops team builds a 45-point lead at halftime, they usually cruise to victory no matter how poorly they play after intermission. That's how good the early Simpsons years were.
29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 5) South Park
Is it bad that I enjoy all of the Mormon references on South Park? Although they're making jokes, it seems like they actually respect Mormons, even though they don't agree with the religion itself.
3) The Office vs. 6) The King of Queens
It turns out that an office setting is funnier than a UPS setting, which I guess is why Darryl is just a minor character.
2) 30 Rock vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
Based on the show's cast and premise, I figured 30 Rock had a chance to be my favorite show ever. But I was actually underwhelmed by the first two episodes, and never watched it again until last fall. I am so glad I gave it another chance.
REGIONAL SEMIFINAL
1) The Simpsons vs. 5) South Park
Wow, if Family Guy had defeated Arrested Development, Simpsons would've defeated its top three animation rivals in succession.
2) 30 Rock vs. 3) The Office
This is a tough one. I give the nod to 30 Rock mainly because I think the conceit of The Office doesn't make sense. The film crews and confessional interviews add to the humor of the show, but it's not realistic to think that they'd be following these paper company employees around for five years. I really hope the series finale, whenever it is, is the finished Dunder Mifflin documentary. Now that would be a clip show.
REGIONAL FINAL
1) The Simpsons vs. 2) 30 Rock
This isn't a surprise to anyone who's known me for very long, right?
Dishonorable mention: The Michael Richards Show (Seinfeld cred only goes so far), The Mullets, Stacked
It would've likely been a top-10 seed in the '90s region, and probably won a round or two. It was a good show.
Here we are now with a bracket of 21st-century shows. As before, winners are in bold.
1ST ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 32) Yes, Dear/Still Standing
They're teamed up because I honestly can't tell them apart. Two very bland, nuclear family-type sitcoms. And we all know that Homer Simpson wreaks havoc with nuclear stuff.
16) King of the Hill vs. 17) It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
I've been told I would enjoy It's Always Sunny, but I am yet to try it out. So King wins by default, but it's also a very underrated show. It's like the ER of sitcoms, the show you assumed was cancelled six years ago but then are surprised to see it still in the listings. It's done amazingly well considering how little FOX promotes it.
9) Family Guy vs. 24) My Wife and Kids
Meanwhile, Family Guy is probably the most overrated show out there. But it's definitely funny enough to beat Damon Wayans in a non-Homey the Clown or Anton Jackson role.
8) Arrested Development vs. 25) 'Til Death
I consider the first season of Arrested the best season of any sitcom ever. Every episode of the series is on Hulu. There's no reason for anyone not to experience its awesomeness.
5) South Park vs. 28) Sons & Daughters
Seeds 28-31 went to shows that I grew attached to quickly and were cancelled before they had much of a chance to build a following. Unfortunately, this also makes it less likely they will ever turn up on DVD, but check them out if you get a chance. S&D was the best of these (but still doesn't advance in the tourney).
12) Scrubs vs. 21) Samantha Who?
It seems that Zach Braff is an acquired taste, and I am yet to acquire it. But there just aren't many good sitcoms from this decade.
13) How I Met Your Mother vs. 20) George Lopez
Never watched either of these shows. But one involves Danny Tanner and Doogie Howser, and that's enough. By the way, my sister says she'll scan her Neil Patrick Harris pic from Splash Mountain and send it to me, so look for that soon.
4) Two and a Half Men vs. 29) Notes From The Underbelly
Charlie Sheen's show is TV's most-watched, but not by me. Notes is another of those hidden gems that I wish had caught on.
3) The Office vs. 30) Free Ride
Free Ride was an endearing show, and even featured the legendary Kirby Heybourne, yet somehow got yanked off the air after just a couple of episodes. Bummer.
14) Malcolm in the Middle vs. 19) Extras
Two shows I saw for the first time in Scotland (Malcolm while on my mission; don't judge me). They're both really good. But Ricky Gervais's awkward humor, while a little raunchy, tickles my funny bone like few other things ever have.
11) Entourage vs. 22) Futurama
I have nothing to say about either show, so I'll take this opportunity to point out how my tastes have shifted over the years. You'll notice that none of those Disney Channel sitcoms show up here, whereas most of the shows I watched in the '80s were the wholesome, traditional family-based sitcoms. So Cheers would've probably done better in this tournament if it debuted in 1996, while That's So Raven would've ranked higher if it was on in 1987. Hmm, this paragraph turned out to be more boring than I anticipated. Moving along...
6) The King of Queens vs. 27) What I Like About You
My brother might be upset with me for picking against Amanda Bynes, but in my eyes Jerry Stiller can do no wrong.
7) My Name Is Earl vs. 26) The Bernie Mac Show
Considering how much TV I watch, it's surprising how many of these shows I've never seen a full episode of. But Earl would show up in my Netflix queue long before Bernie.
10) Curb Your Enthusiasm vs. 23) Reba
Many times I'd return home from work, and the first thing my then-roommate Jared would say is "want to watch Reba? This is one of my favorite episodes." He had a lot of favorite episodes. I haven't seen much of Curb, but I'm pretty sure I'd like it, considering Seinfeld won the '90s Region.
15) According to Jim vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
Again, Seinfeld connections help. Interestingly, Jim Belushi and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss were on SNL at the same time. Where's Tim Kazurinsky's sitcom?
2) 30 Rock vs. 31) Knights of Prosperity
I love that someone had the guts to pitch a show about a bunch of blue collar stiffs who plot together to break into Mick Jagger's house. I love even more that someone had the guts to put it on the air. I'm sad that it was taken away from me so soon.
2ND ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 16) King of the Hill
Yes, the peak Simpsons years were in the '90s, but this region had fewer strong shows, and I wanted them to be more balanced. Poor Hank Hill just can't escape Homer's shadow. Dang it, Bobby!
8) Arrested Development vs. 9) Family Guy
Like a basketball team that only shoots 3-pointers (or maybe Slam Ball is a better comparison?), Family Guy is the most gimmicky show in television history. Sometimes the gimmicks work, sometimes they're annoying, sometimes they're just lazy, and a superior team/show like AD will always figure out a way to beat the gimmicks.
5) South Park vs. 12) Scrubs
I admire South Park's integrity: they make fun of absolutely everybody. Their only agenda seems to be to try to be funny and entertaining, and I can respect that.
29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 13) How I Met Your Mother
Like I said, I like Sons & Daughters better, but Notes has had a favorable draw in their part of the bracket.
3) The Office vs. 19) Extras
Which is Ricky Gervais's greatest creation? Extras was too short lived (less than 20 episodes total, I think) to be considered better.
6) The King of Queens vs. 11) Entourage
I'm not a big Kevin James fan, but I do like Stacey Carosi.
7) My Name is Earl vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
I usually mistrust guys with two first names, but since I have to pick one I'll go with Larry David over Jason Lee.
2) 30 Rock vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
I think a lot of people view Liz Lemon as the new Elaine Benes. I probably wouldn't go that far yet, but we're dealing with Christine here, not Elaine.
3RD ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 8) Arrested Development
Proof that I was honest in the way I've seeded these shows; otherwise I would've rigged it so these two didn't meet until the finals. Many would say that The Simpsons is past its prime, that the last few years haven't been very good, and they'd be right. Maybe even more right than they realize. I would say season 12 was its last great season, and they're on season 20 now. But when a hoops team builds a 45-point lead at halftime, they usually cruise to victory no matter how poorly they play after intermission. That's how good the early Simpsons years were.
29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 5) South Park
Is it bad that I enjoy all of the Mormon references on South Park? Although they're making jokes, it seems like they actually respect Mormons, even though they don't agree with the religion itself.
3) The Office vs. 6) The King of Queens
It turns out that an office setting is funnier than a UPS setting, which I guess is why Darryl is just a minor character.
2) 30 Rock vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
Based on the show's cast and premise, I figured 30 Rock had a chance to be my favorite show ever. But I was actually underwhelmed by the first two episodes, and never watched it again until last fall. I am so glad I gave it another chance.
REGIONAL SEMIFINAL
1) The Simpsons vs. 5) South Park
Wow, if Family Guy had defeated Arrested Development, Simpsons would've defeated its top three animation rivals in succession.
2) 30 Rock vs. 3) The Office
This is a tough one. I give the nod to 30 Rock mainly because I think the conceit of The Office doesn't make sense. The film crews and confessional interviews add to the humor of the show, but it's not realistic to think that they'd be following these paper company employees around for five years. I really hope the series finale, whenever it is, is the finished Dunder Mifflin documentary. Now that would be a clip show.
REGIONAL FINAL
1) The Simpsons vs. 2) 30 Rock
This isn't a surprise to anyone who's known me for very long, right?
Dishonorable mention: The Michael Richards Show (Seinfeld cred only goes so far), The Mullets, Stacked
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