So...I have a new blog. It's actually not all that new anymore--I started it just over a year ago (after months of dormancy on this site and realizing I needed a fresh start), and will soon reach 100 posts.
On the off-off-off-chance that there is someone out there who subscribes to the RSS feed of this blog but has missed my constant promotion of the new one on Facebook, Twitter, or Gmail chat, I figured I'd invite you over to check out the new digs.
If you liked "Amateur Blog at the Apollo," you'll find "Tales of Hofmann" to be pretty similar--the same rambling, stream-of-consciousness style of writing, the same funny links, the same lack of interest in a pleasing blog design.
As before, I use my blog as a way to chronicle interesting events from my life, as a platform to display other writing projects, or just to write random things that I hope will entertain my audience. But I've also added a few recurring features, mainly to help make sure I'm writing regularly.
The first of these is the "Hoffmann of the Month" (spelled that way so it can encompass Hofmans, Hofmanns, Hoffmans and Hoffmanns). As you might expect, I've honored various men and women, but animals also qualify, as do people who don't actually exist.
And then there's my weekly "Blog About Something Only Tangentially Related to the Upcoming Sunday School Lesson," or BASOTRUSSL. Check out this post for arguably my best example of this type of post, as well as the full backstory of why I started writing them.
These posts are usually either an elaborate riff on a non-spiritual aspect of the scripture block (like the one linked to in the above paragraph, or this one), a post that seems to be about something completely random before I make a tenuous connection to that week's lesson right at the end, or something sort of in between those two options. Or, if I can't come up with any fun tangents, my last resort is to write a semi-thoughtful analysis of some of the principles found in the scripture block.
So, yeah...I've just linked to almost one-sixth of the posts on my blog. Maybe I should've asked someone else to pick out the "highlights." But if you are just learning about this blog, you should read all of them. Seriously. Do it. You'll enjoy yourself.
And you'll want to read all the new posts as they go up. The easiest way to do that is to follow the blog by clicking the "Join" button at the top. You can also "like" me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter--I announce the publishing of any new post in both places. Actually, you should do all of those things--it would really boost my ego. Thanks!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Star crossed lovers
There's been a bunch of celebrity breakups this week. Whenever a couple splits up it's sad (especially when children are involved), but even more sad is that with celebrities it's never unexpected.
That being said...out of the big stars who I've learned are single again in the past 36 hours, here's the order I'd ask them out in:
4) Scarlett Johansson (Looks like the newly crowned "Sexiest Man Alive" finally realized Scarlett is extremely overrated as a sex symbol. She did, however, take part in what is probably my favorite SNL sketch so far this season)
3) Vanessa Hudgens (I'll be her new Wildcat)
2) Anna Friel (She'd probably get tired of me insisting that she speak in an American accent and act like Chuck from Pushing Daisies)
1) Elizabeth Hurley (I would insist that she retain her British accent, and that she do no acting whatsoever)
Clearly, I only blog about really important things these days.
That being said...out of the big stars who I've learned are single again in the past 36 hours, here's the order I'd ask them out in:
4) Scarlett Johansson (Looks like the newly crowned "Sexiest Man Alive" finally realized Scarlett is extremely overrated as a sex symbol. She did, however, take part in what is probably my favorite SNL sketch so far this season)
3) Vanessa Hudgens (I'll be her new Wildcat)
2) Anna Friel (She'd probably get tired of me insisting that she speak in an American accent and act like Chuck from Pushing Daisies)
1) Elizabeth Hurley (I would insist that she retain her British accent, and that she do no acting whatsoever)
Clearly, I only blog about really important things these days.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
And all that Jazz
I doubt anyone reads my blog that isn't also a Facebook friend and/or a Twitter follower of mine, but I figured I'd promote this here too:
I'm a "Jazzbot," an official blogger for the Utah Jazz. There's like 35 of us, plus non-bots can also post on the site, but it's still fun to write about sports and to have an official connection (however loose) to my favorite pro team.
Us Jazzbots are supposed to write two or three times a week. My fourth post, including the one I wrote to audition, just went up (some of you may notice it's adapted from a post I wrote on this blog last January). The site isn't designed that well, but you should be able to find my older posts without too much difficulty if you're interested.
As I mentioned above, I'm on Twitter! (My handle is the super-creative @jeff_hofmann.) If you're a Tweeter, let's follow each other. Then you can know when my new Jazz blogs post, and I can break the elusive 40 followers mark.
I'm a "Jazzbot," an official blogger for the Utah Jazz. There's like 35 of us, plus non-bots can also post on the site, but it's still fun to write about sports and to have an official connection (however loose) to my favorite pro team.
Us Jazzbots are supposed to write two or three times a week. My fourth post, including the one I wrote to audition, just went up (some of you may notice it's adapted from a post I wrote on this blog last January). The site isn't designed that well, but you should be able to find my older posts without too much difficulty if you're interested.
As I mentioned above, I'm on Twitter! (My handle is the super-creative @jeff_hofmann.) If you're a Tweeter, let's follow each other. Then you can know when my new Jazz blogs post, and I can break the elusive 40 followers mark.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tabula Rasa
I've hit the big time at work. Sort of. For the first time in my life, I have a placard with my name on it, indicating that this is where I sit. True, said placard had a typo on it at first. And I share the desk with someone else. But it's still pretty cool.
My desk partner, Lindsey, has decorated our cube with some pretty standard items, from pictures of her family to a ceramic cowboy hat/pen holder to an autographed Sarah McLachlan poster to something that appears to be a pagan garland of sorts. There was plenty of room for her to personalize our workspace because, as usual, I put absolutely no effort into doing the same myself.
I'm typing this up in my bedroom, surrounded by four walls devoid of adornment. I don't wear jewelry of any kind except a watch occasionally. I have never entered anything in that permanent status "Write something about yourself" area on Facebook. I'm just not a decorating kind of guy. There are a number of reasons for this:
--I have no art, fancy framed pictures, or inspirational messages to put up.
--I have no interest in spending money on those kinds of things.
--I'm constantly staring at a TV or computer screen (or occasionally a book) and wouldn't notice those things if they were there.
--But most of all, I don't decorate because of the permanence of it. I'm unwilling to commit to one picture or poster because it implies that I've rejected all others. I have plenty of t-shirts and have made plenty of status updates endorsing a particular movie or toy or junk food item, but those can (and should) be changed on a regular basis. But if I put a Batman poster on my wall or become an official "fan" of Arrested Development, I must prefer those things to all others I didn't show the same consideration to.
So am I crazy? Or am I just using that reasoning as an excuse to cover up the fact that I'm indecisive, lazy, and/or cheap?
My desk partner, Lindsey, has decorated our cube with some pretty standard items, from pictures of her family to a ceramic cowboy hat/pen holder to an autographed Sarah McLachlan poster to something that appears to be a pagan garland of sorts. There was plenty of room for her to personalize our workspace because, as usual, I put absolutely no effort into doing the same myself.
I'm typing this up in my bedroom, surrounded by four walls devoid of adornment. I don't wear jewelry of any kind except a watch occasionally. I have never entered anything in that permanent status "Write something about yourself" area on Facebook. I'm just not a decorating kind of guy. There are a number of reasons for this:
--I have no art, fancy framed pictures, or inspirational messages to put up.
--I have no interest in spending money on those kinds of things.
--I'm constantly staring at a TV or computer screen (or occasionally a book) and wouldn't notice those things if they were there.
--But most of all, I don't decorate because of the permanence of it. I'm unwilling to commit to one picture or poster because it implies that I've rejected all others. I have plenty of t-shirts and have made plenty of status updates endorsing a particular movie or toy or junk food item, but those can (and should) be changed on a regular basis. But if I put a Batman poster on my wall or become an official "fan" of Arrested Development, I must prefer those things to all others I didn't show the same consideration to.
So am I crazy? Or am I just using that reasoning as an excuse to cover up the fact that I'm indecisive, lazy, and/or cheap?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Chicken buckets are the new UNICEF bag
This is probably my favorite Halloween costume I've ever had, narrowly edging out my 2003 Adam West-era Batman ensemble.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Stars...they jet just like us!
Now that I no longer answer phones for JetBlue, it's likely my brushes with celebrities will drop dramatically. Here's a brief rundown of the "stars" I've associated with in some way at my job, ranked by my view of their relative fame:
(Again, my blog is not an official JetBlue site, and I am not a company spokesman. These are just my thoughts. And I'm assuming I'm not violating any confidentiality guidelines here, since JetBlue is very open about all the celebrities who fly with us, but if this post goes down that's probably why.)
(By the way, my all-time favorite JetBlue celebrity sighting? Definitely this guy!)
7) The mother of injured BYU defensive lineman Romney Fuga called to cancel her son's flight.
6) A relative of Los Angles Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak (boo!) used his credit card to book her flight.
5) Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs (don't worry, they're not all sports related) has a production company, and I booked a flight for one of his business partners so he could attend a movie premiere.
4) I helped actress Lake Bell cancel a flight. She's the only celebrity I've spoken directly to, and I'm surprised I recognized her name, since I haven't seen anything she's been in.
3) A representative of Tony Orlando's changed the flights of his band members (apparently he's no longer with Dawn. Who knew?) so they could make a show on time.
2) A woman called me once to see if a seat upgrade was available for the former mayor of America, Rudolph Giuliani.
1) I know he's not as famous as Rudy, but the most exciting call I've ever received at work was from the personal assistant of Kyle MacLachlan (aka Agent Dale Cooper!), who booked a flight for him. And he even paid for an extra seat. Oh, to be rich and famous.
So if your DirecTV ever malfunctions on a JetBlue flight, just look around...you still may be able to see some stars!
(Again, my blog is not an official JetBlue site, and I am not a company spokesman. These are just my thoughts. And I'm assuming I'm not violating any confidentiality guidelines here, since JetBlue is very open about all the celebrities who fly with us, but if this post goes down that's probably why.)
(By the way, my all-time favorite JetBlue celebrity sighting? Definitely this guy!)
7) The mother of injured BYU defensive lineman Romney Fuga called to cancel her son's flight.
6) A relative of Los Angles Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak (boo!) used his credit card to book her flight.
5) Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs (don't worry, they're not all sports related) has a production company, and I booked a flight for one of his business partners so he could attend a movie premiere.
4) I helped actress Lake Bell cancel a flight. She's the only celebrity I've spoken directly to, and I'm surprised I recognized her name, since I haven't seen anything she's been in.
3) A representative of Tony Orlando's changed the flights of his band members (apparently he's no longer with Dawn. Who knew?) so they could make a show on time.
2) A woman called me once to see if a seat upgrade was available for the former mayor of America, Rudolph Giuliani.
1) I know he's not as famous as Rudy, but the most exciting call I've ever received at work was from the personal assistant of Kyle MacLachlan (aka Agent Dale Cooper!), who booked a flight for him. And he even paid for an extra seat. Oh, to be rich and famous.
So if your DirecTV ever malfunctions on a JetBlue flight, just look around...you still may be able to see some stars!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Tweet, pray, love
Today I started a new position with JetBlue. I'm a founding member of our new social media support team, which basically means I get to be a Twitter tracker Twitter tracker Twitter tracker! After a few weeks of training, it will be my job to seek to recover customers as one of the company's official tweeters.
As a result, I finally bit the bullet and signed up for my own Twitter account. You can follow me if you want, but I don't expect to be a super-active user of that platform, at least until I get a phone I can access the Internet on, which I plan to do later this year.
(I'm supposed to point out that anything I post to my blog, Twitter or Facebook is my own viewpoint and not necessarily that of JetBlue. So there you go.)
I'm really excited about this new assignment. Not only does the work itself seem interesting and relevant, I will have a much better work schedule, and I'm really glad to have a break from answering phones. At the end of each shift my ears would be sore from my headset, and my voice would have faded to the point that when I'd give my name customers would think I said Jack. Or Jim. Or, surprisingly, Chad. So I'm happy to move on from that. Although if I become too popular online, maybe I'll have to set up a Twitter account for each of those personas.
As a result, I finally bit the bullet and signed up for my own Twitter account. You can follow me if you want, but I don't expect to be a super-active user of that platform, at least until I get a phone I can access the Internet on, which I plan to do later this year.
(I'm supposed to point out that anything I post to my blog, Twitter or Facebook is my own viewpoint and not necessarily that of JetBlue. So there you go.)
I'm really excited about this new assignment. Not only does the work itself seem interesting and relevant, I will have a much better work schedule, and I'm really glad to have a break from answering phones. At the end of each shift my ears would be sore from my headset, and my voice would have faded to the point that when I'd give my name customers would think I said Jack. Or Jim. Or, surprisingly, Chad. So I'm happy to move on from that. Although if I become too popular online, maybe I'll have to set up a Twitter account for each of those personas.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Hello, ladies
It's fall television premiere season, the most wonderful time of the year for a TV junkie like me. Here's my list of the top 10 women I'm excited to have back in my life on a weekly basis (with a couple of extra categories).
MISSED THE CUT
Lacey Schwimmer, Dancing With The Stars
Definitely would be on the list if she hadn't gone blond.
Marge Simpson, The Simpsons
Physical appearance is a huge factor on this list--I won't be doing a similar post about TV dudes--and despite Marge's recent Playboy spread, I'm not a big fan of the Olive Oyl body type.
HONORABLE MENTION
Cerie Xerox, 30 Rock
Emma Pillsbury, Glee
Avery Jessup, 30 Rock
These shows debuted this week, but missing these regular characters. And yes, I'm ranking the characters from scripted shows. I don't know what the real people are like.
10. Quinn Fabray, Glee
Would be ranked higher if this list was 100% physical, but she can be kinda witchy and not a tremendous singer.
9. Jules Cobb, Cougar Town
The best-looking middle-aged drunk on a show full of good-looking middle-aged drunks.
8. Annie Edison, Community
7. Britta Perry, Community
Trending upward. Both could easily crack the top 5 if the show's second season is as good as the first.
6. Pam Halpert, The Office
I liked her more as a single receptionist than as a married salesperson.
5. Claire Dunphy, Modern Family
Gives an underrated, Jason-Bateman-in-Arrested-Development-esque performance as the "straight man" in the funniest show on TV.
4. Anna Trebunskaya, Dancing With The Stars
I've always had a thing for redheads. I know she's married, but I enjoy watching her. Dance. I enjoy watching her dance.
3. Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
Not only does Tina Fey look really good in glasses, but she looks weird without them. Keep the glasses on all season, Liz.
2. Sue Sylvester, Glee
As I said, the list is largely looks-based, but I'm not 100% shallow.
1. Gloria Pritchett-Delgado, Modern Family
Ay ay ay! Well done, Al Bundy. Well done.
[Update: A couple of big brain farts by me. Should have chosen Glee's Brittany over Quinn--nearly as attractive and way more entertaining. Also, I made my list a few days too early, forgetting that Saturday Night Live also returns this weekend. So Quinn and Jules get swapped out for Brittany and Kristen Wiig, and Abby Elliott is tied for fourth. I told you, I like redheads.]
So how chauvinistic/lame am I for doing this? And which are the best females TV characters I'm missing out on by not watching Bones, or House, or pretty much any hour-long drama or anything on CBS?
MISSED THE CUT
Lacey Schwimmer, Dancing With The Stars
Definitely would be on the list if she hadn't gone blond.
Marge Simpson, The Simpsons
Physical appearance is a huge factor on this list--I won't be doing a similar post about TV dudes--and despite Marge's recent Playboy spread, I'm not a big fan of the Olive Oyl body type.
HONORABLE MENTION
Cerie Xerox, 30 Rock
Emma Pillsbury, Glee
Avery Jessup, 30 Rock
These shows debuted this week, but missing these regular characters. And yes, I'm ranking the characters from scripted shows. I don't know what the real people are like.
10. Quinn Fabray, Glee
Would be ranked higher if this list was 100% physical, but she can be kinda witchy and not a tremendous singer.
9. Jules Cobb, Cougar Town
The best-looking middle-aged drunk on a show full of good-looking middle-aged drunks.
8. Annie Edison, Community
7. Britta Perry, Community
Trending upward. Both could easily crack the top 5 if the show's second season is as good as the first.
6. Pam Halpert, The Office
I liked her more as a single receptionist than as a married salesperson.
5. Claire Dunphy, Modern Family
Gives an underrated, Jason-Bateman-in-Arrested-Development-esque performance as the "straight man" in the funniest show on TV.
4. Anna Trebunskaya, Dancing With The Stars
I've always had a thing for redheads. I know she's married, but I enjoy watching her. Dance. I enjoy watching her dance.
3. Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
Not only does Tina Fey look really good in glasses, but she looks weird without them. Keep the glasses on all season, Liz.
2. Sue Sylvester, Glee
As I said, the list is largely looks-based, but I'm not 100% shallow.
1. Gloria Pritchett-Delgado, Modern Family
Ay ay ay! Well done, Al Bundy. Well done.
[Update: A couple of big brain farts by me. Should have chosen Glee's Brittany over Quinn--nearly as attractive and way more entertaining. Also, I made my list a few days too early, forgetting that Saturday Night Live also returns this weekend. So Quinn and Jules get swapped out for Brittany and Kristen Wiig, and Abby Elliott is tied for fourth. I told you, I like redheads.]
So how chauvinistic/lame am I for doing this? And which are the best females TV characters I'm missing out on by not watching Bones, or House, or pretty much any hour-long drama or anything on CBS?
Monday, September 20, 2010
Bite the bullet
Some lingering thoughts and questions after my 47th viewing of the Magic Bullet infomercial, far and away the greatest infomercial of all time...
It's pretty obvious that the whole thing is set the morning after a swinger's party. Everyone's either wearing pajamas, or the same clothes they had on the night before. They're all extremely comfortable with each other...so comfortable, in fact, that nobody questions why their hosts have huge platters of meats, cheeses, fruits, vegetables and more, all cut or chopped into blender-ready chunks. None of them wonder why the Aussie and his wife are preparing dozens of entrees and side dishes, one after another in succession. And not one person finds it weird that the duo are schilling for this magic blender (even using catchphrases). You'd think at least one of their guests would ask what was going on, or at least why one couple would have five or six of the same blender.
Until the last time I watched it, I thought there were three couples plus Hazel (the elderly master of the long cigarette ash), which made me wonder if she were some kind of referee for the previous evening's swinging. But when I saw it again a few days ago, I finally noticed the presence of Ike the omelette eater. So now it appears that there's three couples, plus Berman and Hazel. So the numbers even out. (I'm leaping to some conclusions here about what goes on at swinger parties. I really have no idea.)
The dark-haired lady doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the group. She puts out a "Mary Steenburgen playing a Mormon housewife" type of vibe, and doesn't seem to be a crazy partier. The other seven, I can see them being up for anything.
The spokesmodels don't use very precise measurements. When they say they're adding "a little" of this or "just a squeeze" of that, you never know if you're going to end up with just a dash of curry powder, or a Bullet cup full of basil leaves. I can see this inconsistency causing some problems in other activities; hopefully their friends had their safe words ready.
If I could eat anything they made using the personal, versatile, countertop magician, I'd probably go with the chicken salad.
That's about it...just know that I own a Magic Bullet (got it as a gift, but it's the only infomercial product I've ever considered actually buying), I don't use it every day, and (as you'd probably expect) it doesn't work as well in real life as it does on TV--but it does work. And if I ever stumble across it while channel surfing, I'll always stop and watch for at least one...two...three seconds. Probably longer.
It's pretty obvious that the whole thing is set the morning after a swinger's party. Everyone's either wearing pajamas, or the same clothes they had on the night before. They're all extremely comfortable with each other...so comfortable, in fact, that nobody questions why their hosts have huge platters of meats, cheeses, fruits, vegetables and more, all cut or chopped into blender-ready chunks. None of them wonder why the Aussie and his wife are preparing dozens of entrees and side dishes, one after another in succession. And not one person finds it weird that the duo are schilling for this magic blender (even using catchphrases). You'd think at least one of their guests would ask what was going on, or at least why one couple would have five or six of the same blender.
Until the last time I watched it, I thought there were three couples plus Hazel (the elderly master of the long cigarette ash), which made me wonder if she were some kind of referee for the previous evening's swinging. But when I saw it again a few days ago, I finally noticed the presence of Ike the omelette eater. So now it appears that there's three couples, plus Berman and Hazel. So the numbers even out. (I'm leaping to some conclusions here about what goes on at swinger parties. I really have no idea.)
The dark-haired lady doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the group. She puts out a "Mary Steenburgen playing a Mormon housewife" type of vibe, and doesn't seem to be a crazy partier. The other seven, I can see them being up for anything.
The spokesmodels don't use very precise measurements. When they say they're adding "a little" of this or "just a squeeze" of that, you never know if you're going to end up with just a dash of curry powder, or a Bullet cup full of basil leaves. I can see this inconsistency causing some problems in other activities; hopefully their friends had their safe words ready.
If I could eat anything they made using the personal, versatile, countertop magician, I'd probably go with the chicken salad.
That's about it...just know that I own a Magic Bullet (got it as a gift, but it's the only infomercial product I've ever considered actually buying), I don't use it every day, and (as you'd probably expect) it doesn't work as well in real life as it does on TV--but it does work. And if I ever stumble across it while channel surfing, I'll always stop and watch for at least one...two...three seconds. Probably longer.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Frozen food for thought
I finally got around to trying the new Hot Pockets "Sideshots" the other day. I'm normally a fan of any greasy meat-filled item I can throw in the microwave, especially if said item reminds me of Jim Gaffigan.
But I was resistant to the Sideshots...and it was all because of their commercials. We're supposed to believe that these people are outcasts because they eat a burger-shaped Hot Pocket with their hands, instead of a fork? Please. As if anyone has ever eaten a Hot Pocket, or a non-microwaveable hamburger, with utensils. It's ludicrous.
I know they ate Snickers bars with a knife and fork on Seinfeld, but that was only funny because it was so ridiculous. I've seen firsthand that British people eat pizza with utensils, but they also put sweetcorn on it, so we can't take their "behaviour" seriously.
Speaking of Mr. Hot Pocket...I'm semi-tempted to see the new Justin Long-Drew Barrymore rom-com just because Gaffigan is in it (although I successfully resisted the temptation to see The Love Guru, and that had Gaffigan AND Stephen Colbert in it). And speaking of Long, do you think the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy ever looks at him and wonders what might have been? But I digress...where was I?
Oh yeah, the Sideshots. I'd buy them again, I guess. But not if there's a sale on frozen White Castle sliders.
But I was resistant to the Sideshots...and it was all because of their commercials. We're supposed to believe that these people are outcasts because they eat a burger-shaped Hot Pocket with their hands, instead of a fork? Please. As if anyone has ever eaten a Hot Pocket, or a non-microwaveable hamburger, with utensils. It's ludicrous.
I know they ate Snickers bars with a knife and fork on Seinfeld, but that was only funny because it was so ridiculous. I've seen firsthand that British people eat pizza with utensils, but they also put sweetcorn on it, so we can't take their "behaviour" seriously.
Speaking of Mr. Hot Pocket...I'm semi-tempted to see the new Justin Long-Drew Barrymore rom-com just because Gaffigan is in it (although I successfully resisted the temptation to see The Love Guru, and that had Gaffigan AND Stephen Colbert in it). And speaking of Long, do you think the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy ever looks at him and wonders what might have been? But I digress...where was I?
Oh yeah, the Sideshots. I'd buy them again, I guess. But not if there's a sale on frozen White Castle sliders.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
DJ Jazzy Jeff
Hey, remember when I used to blog? I kind of do. And I think I enjoyed it. So maybe I'll do it more often. It's time to make my presence felt again on the Interwebs.
The spell check had better not give me any problems on that last word. Interweb is official now, making its dictionary debut along with other vocabularic atrocities like bromance, chillax and wardrobe malfunction. Surprisingly, cheeseball is also a new addition to the OED. I'm guessing it's been in Merriam-Webster for a while, considering the cheeseball was a Super Bowl staple long before the first wardrobe malfunction.
So now you have some new words to be wary of when playing Hangman. But you'd have better luck saving your stickman with the newbies than with some much older words. Someone with too much time on their hands figured out the hardest Hangman word of all--it's jazz. Kind of surprising, but it makes sense when you think about it.
Speaking of jazz...the other day, out of the blue, I remembered that I had a San Antonio Spurs t-shirt when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it was my brother's shirt first, and like so many articles of clothing before and after it, it was passed on to me. But that's no excuse. That shirt had no business in my home, let alone touching my body. I'm hoping I can successfully repress this shameful memory again. Maybe buying a Jazz jersey would help. I can't decide between Al Jefferson and Othyus Jeffers. Either way, I'd have my name on the back, and I could feel like I'm part of the team.
Word up.
The spell check had better not give me any problems on that last word. Interweb is official now, making its dictionary debut along with other vocabularic atrocities like bromance, chillax and wardrobe malfunction. Surprisingly, cheeseball is also a new addition to the OED. I'm guessing it's been in Merriam-Webster for a while, considering the cheeseball was a Super Bowl staple long before the first wardrobe malfunction.
So now you have some new words to be wary of when playing Hangman. But you'd have better luck saving your stickman with the newbies than with some much older words. Someone with too much time on their hands figured out the hardest Hangman word of all--it's jazz. Kind of surprising, but it makes sense when you think about it.
Speaking of jazz...the other day, out of the blue, I remembered that I had a San Antonio Spurs t-shirt when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it was my brother's shirt first, and like so many articles of clothing before and after it, it was passed on to me. But that's no excuse. That shirt had no business in my home, let alone touching my body. I'm hoping I can successfully repress this shameful memory again. Maybe buying a Jazz jersey would help. I can't decide between Al Jefferson and Othyus Jeffers. Either way, I'd have my name on the back, and I could feel like I'm part of the team.
Word up.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Thanks for the Memorex
My VCR finally died. It's inexplicable that it lasted as long as it did. But I miss it already.
Back in 2005, my long-time roommate Greg moved out of our apartment. He had tons of stuff (TVs, VCRs, computers, DVDs, etc.), and was very generous in sharing it. On the day he moved out, my other roommate Hardy joined me on a trip to Wal-Mart where I bought a big TV for the living room, a small one for my bedroom, and a VCR for each.
(In case you didn't know already, I'm a television addict.)
Sometime in 2007, something weird happened to one of the VCRs. The tape refused to eject, but somehow it continued working. I could record something, watch it, rewind, and record over it again. And the tape quality never seemed to deteriorate. It was still usable, I just couldn't use that VCR to watch my other tapes or to record something I wanted to keep forever. But it kept working time after time.
Until this week. I recorded something, then tried to rewind the tape, but instead it spit the tape halfway out and shut down. I unplugged it, plugged it back in, but when I pushed play it was just static.
But we had plenty of good times, and I definitely got my money's worth. Plus I still have the other one. And hopefully it will last for a long time, because nobody really sells VCRs anymore. DVRs are great, mainly for the ability to begin watching something from the beginning while still recording the ending, but I actually prefer a VCR when it comes to precision of control. Plus I'm too poor to get a DVR right now. Long live the VCR!
Back in 2005, my long-time roommate Greg moved out of our apartment. He had tons of stuff (TVs, VCRs, computers, DVDs, etc.), and was very generous in sharing it. On the day he moved out, my other roommate Hardy joined me on a trip to Wal-Mart where I bought a big TV for the living room, a small one for my bedroom, and a VCR for each.
(In case you didn't know already, I'm a television addict.)
Sometime in 2007, something weird happened to one of the VCRs. The tape refused to eject, but somehow it continued working. I could record something, watch it, rewind, and record over it again. And the tape quality never seemed to deteriorate. It was still usable, I just couldn't use that VCR to watch my other tapes or to record something I wanted to keep forever. But it kept working time after time.
Until this week. I recorded something, then tried to rewind the tape, but instead it spit the tape halfway out and shut down. I unplugged it, plugged it back in, but when I pushed play it was just static.
But we had plenty of good times, and I definitely got my money's worth. Plus I still have the other one. And hopefully it will last for a long time, because nobody really sells VCRs anymore. DVRs are great, mainly for the ability to begin watching something from the beginning while still recording the ending, but I actually prefer a VCR when it comes to precision of control. Plus I'm too poor to get a DVR right now. Long live the VCR!
Monday, July 19, 2010
But I have been to a hootenanny in Oak City
Driving home from Provo last weekend, I saw some fireworks being set off. I'm guessing they were coming from the baseball stadium, the name of which escapes me for the moment. I just know it's not Derks Field anymore.
As I watched them, I began wondering why I've never attended Stadium of Fire. Then I started thinking of some other things I've never done:
--I've never attended a General Conference session in person.
--I never went to EFY. (I didn't even know what it is until my senior year of high school. But I do own pirated cassettes of most of the '90s EFY soundtracks.)
--I've never been skiing.
--I've never hiked the "Y."
Considering I've lived all of my life as a Mormon, most of that life in Utah, and a huge chunk of that Utah time in Provo, which of these nevers is the most surprising? I've also never posted a poll on my blog's sidebar, and don't plan to now, so just leave your answers in the comments.
As I watched them, I began wondering why I've never attended Stadium of Fire. Then I started thinking of some other things I've never done:
--I've never attended a General Conference session in person.
--I never went to EFY. (I didn't even know what it is until my senior year of high school. But I do own pirated cassettes of most of the '90s EFY soundtracks.)
--I've never been skiing.
--I've never hiked the "Y."
Considering I've lived all of my life as a Mormon, most of that life in Utah, and a huge chunk of that Utah time in Provo, which of these nevers is the most surprising? I've also never posted a poll on my blog's sidebar, and don't plan to now, so just leave your answers in the comments.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Joke fiend
Today is International Joke Day! It's also Canada Day. I don't know if that's coincidental, or if the two are related, and if so which spawned the other. It's one of those chicken and the egg things. Or chicken crossing the road things. Or something.
I love jokes. I especially love puns. I'm a pretty good joke teller. I have good timing and delivery, especially when it comes to deadpan. But I haven't had a lot of success creating my own jokes.
The first joke I ever made up was the classic "Why did the fisherman go fishing?," and its variant "Why didn't he go fishing?" I used to tell this "joke" to my family, changing the punchline every time so they couldn't get it right. Sometimes he had run out of worms, sometimes it was raining, sometimes he didn't like fish...hilarious.
More recently I've been making a joke that hasn't gone over as well as I thought it would. Three months ago I bought a car, a 1995 Buick Park Avenue. When telling people about my sweet ride, I've mentioned that my car is almost old enough to drive itself. I've used the line about a dozen times, never resulting in more than a chuckle. Now I'm second-guessing my plan to start joking next March about the Iraq war reaching the age of accountability.
Compounding the problem, one of the three stand up routines I've ever written is now obsolete, thanks to Domino's new and improved pizza.
Basically, I need some new jokes. So celebrate IJD by sharing some of your favorites in the comments!
I love jokes. I especially love puns. I'm a pretty good joke teller. I have good timing and delivery, especially when it comes to deadpan. But I haven't had a lot of success creating my own jokes.
The first joke I ever made up was the classic "Why did the fisherman go fishing?," and its variant "Why didn't he go fishing?" I used to tell this "joke" to my family, changing the punchline every time so they couldn't get it right. Sometimes he had run out of worms, sometimes it was raining, sometimes he didn't like fish...hilarious.
More recently I've been making a joke that hasn't gone over as well as I thought it would. Three months ago I bought a car, a 1995 Buick Park Avenue. When telling people about my sweet ride, I've mentioned that my car is almost old enough to drive itself. I've used the line about a dozen times, never resulting in more than a chuckle. Now I'm second-guessing my plan to start joking next March about the Iraq war reaching the age of accountability.
Compounding the problem, one of the three stand up routines I've ever written is now obsolete, thanks to Domino's new and improved pizza.
Basically, I need some new jokes. So celebrate IJD by sharing some of your favorites in the comments!
Monday, June 14, 2010
One hand in the air for the big city
Back in February I got fired from my post office job. I couldn't type fast enough to meet the standard, in part because I only use two fingers on each hand when I type, and in part because I was working graveyard shifts and couldn't stay awake. It's the only time I've ever been fired, and it was kind of a bummer.
Fortunately, at that point I already had a job lined up doing reservations with jetBlue (I had been hoping to do both part-time, but now I'm a full-time airline employee). I'm getting paid much less than I was by USPS, but there are some very nice perks: I have health insurance, I get to work from my apartment, and I get to fly for free!
A couple of weeks ago I finally got enough time off to take my first free flight. Not surprisingly, I jetted off to New York. Standby travel is more stressful than I anticipated, but I don't like to complain, and I did get on the flights on the days that I wanted to, so I won't go into detail about that.
It doesn't seem like it's already been about ten months since I moved back to Utah. It felt so good to be back. As I stepped off of the plane and began walking through the terminal, the Glenn Frey song "You Belong to the City" was playing. I don't like that song, but it seemed very appropriate.
It did feel like I was coming back home, rather than just visiting. As such, I didn't really do any touristy things. My goals for the trip were to spend time with friends, eat good food, and watch TV. That's right--I had been wanting to return to New York ever since I left it, but I chose that particular weekend because of a TV show. (Is anyone actually surprised by that?)
This was the weekend, of course, of the Lost series finale. I had watched many episodes with Erin, Jill, Tricia, and other friends, and wanted to rejoin them to say goodbye to the show. To prepare myself, my friend Laura and I went to the Paley Center (formerly the Museum of Television and Radio) the day before to attend a Lost party of sorts. We joined about 200 other fans in trivia contests, watching an "enhanced" version of the 2004 pilot episode, and listening to a panel discussion. I thought the panel was going to be producers and cast members from the show, but it turned out to be six TV critics. Not what I had hoped for, but still interesting.
Sunday night I joined Erin, Laura, and a few others to watch the finale. There were several emotionally satisfying moments, but I felt a little unfulfilled intellectually. I won't give any more details in case some of you haven't seen it yet, but I do have some things I want to say about TV finales in a later post.
I filled the rest of that weekend by going to church, helping sort donations for the stake tag sale, wandering around midtown and Union Square, and hanging out with friends. Oh, and as I mentioned, eating. Here's a list of most of the places I ate:
--A Salt and Battery (an authentic British fish and chip place. Yes, I had a fried Mars bar)
--Nuts4Nuts (but not Nuts5Nuts; that's just too many nuts)
--Gray's Papaya
--I got a piece of chocolate from Max Brenner but didn't have time to stay for a whole dessert
--Dinosaur BBQ (I had heard of it but never been there; it's outstanding)
--I also got a slice of pizza from the dumpy deli I used to frequent when working at Columbia. Sadly, the nearby church is still not selling burritos.
That's about it. It was a super fun, super fast trip. I only spent about $100 total, including subway passes. A big shout out to Joel for letting me sleep on his couch. Thanks Joel! Hopefully I'll be back for another visit soon.
Fortunately, at that point I already had a job lined up doing reservations with jetBlue (I had been hoping to do both part-time, but now I'm a full-time airline employee). I'm getting paid much less than I was by USPS, but there are some very nice perks: I have health insurance, I get to work from my apartment, and I get to fly for free!
A couple of weeks ago I finally got enough time off to take my first free flight. Not surprisingly, I jetted off to New York. Standby travel is more stressful than I anticipated, but I don't like to complain, and I did get on the flights on the days that I wanted to, so I won't go into detail about that.
It doesn't seem like it's already been about ten months since I moved back to Utah. It felt so good to be back. As I stepped off of the plane and began walking through the terminal, the Glenn Frey song "You Belong to the City" was playing. I don't like that song, but it seemed very appropriate.
It did feel like I was coming back home, rather than just visiting. As such, I didn't really do any touristy things. My goals for the trip were to spend time with friends, eat good food, and watch TV. That's right--I had been wanting to return to New York ever since I left it, but I chose that particular weekend because of a TV show. (Is anyone actually surprised by that?)
This was the weekend, of course, of the Lost series finale. I had watched many episodes with Erin, Jill, Tricia, and other friends, and wanted to rejoin them to say goodbye to the show. To prepare myself, my friend Laura and I went to the Paley Center (formerly the Museum of Television and Radio) the day before to attend a Lost party of sorts. We joined about 200 other fans in trivia contests, watching an "enhanced" version of the 2004 pilot episode, and listening to a panel discussion. I thought the panel was going to be producers and cast members from the show, but it turned out to be six TV critics. Not what I had hoped for, but still interesting.
Sunday night I joined Erin, Laura, and a few others to watch the finale. There were several emotionally satisfying moments, but I felt a little unfulfilled intellectually. I won't give any more details in case some of you haven't seen it yet, but I do have some things I want to say about TV finales in a later post.
I filled the rest of that weekend by going to church, helping sort donations for the stake tag sale, wandering around midtown and Union Square, and hanging out with friends. Oh, and as I mentioned, eating. Here's a list of most of the places I ate:
--A Salt and Battery (an authentic British fish and chip place. Yes, I had a fried Mars bar)
--Nuts4Nuts (but not Nuts5Nuts; that's just too many nuts)
--Gray's Papaya
--I got a piece of chocolate from Max Brenner but didn't have time to stay for a whole dessert
--Dinosaur BBQ (I had heard of it but never been there; it's outstanding)
--I also got a slice of pizza from the dumpy deli I used to frequent when working at Columbia. Sadly, the nearby church is still not selling burritos.
That's about it. It was a super fun, super fast trip. I only spent about $100 total, including subway passes. A big shout out to Joel for letting me sleep on his couch. Thanks Joel! Hopefully I'll be back for another visit soon.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Long in the tooth
I have a friend named Spencer. We met in high school. We have many shared media experiences from those days, mainly from our time as staff members on the school paper. In fact, Spencer was heavily involved in an incident that pushed my interests fully away from "journalism" per se and towards writing to entertain. But that's a story for another time.
Spencer and I have hardly seen each other since high school, but we're still sharing media adventures. He works for a local health insurer, and was heavily involved in creating some promotional videos for their dental plan.
But they weren't the first ones to come up with a tooth mascot named, well, Toothy. My younger sister works with Spencer's wife at the public library, and I had her drop off a video of a class project my family helped me make in 4th grade. Ashamed of his inadvertent intellectual property theft, Spencer posted part of the video online.
This was the first script I ever wrote, and the first time I was involved in any kind of video project. Not a bad debut, eh? There's so much to love about this video:
--just the fact that Spencer set up his camera to record the tape playing on his TV. So old school.
--my awesome family stepping up at the last minute. A bunch of my friends had volunteered to help out, but all bailed.
--our old school TV, one where you could say "don't touch that dial" and it would actually make sense.
--my sister's big hair underneath her chef's hat.
--my brother seeming WAY too happy when he hears that "Toothy's in trouble."
--the funky positioning of my arms and hands during my brief cameo.
--my mom's great camera work and truly amazing costumes.
--most of all, my dad's tour de force performance as Mr. Cavity. For one thing, after his double knee replacement surgery last year, it would take him at least five minutes now to get up from a fall like that. And his acting was deliciously over the top. I had no idea my dad was a fan of Paul Lynde.
This was only a small portion of the entire video. I think the whole thing is about four minutes long, featuring an extended scene with the chef developing the secret Cavity Busters recipe, and me promoting the stores that sell it with a very crudely drawn poster.
Perhaps someday the entire production will find its way to the Interwebs, where it can be come back to haunt me if I ever become really famous. Thanks for posting, Spencer.
Spencer and I have hardly seen each other since high school, but we're still sharing media adventures. He works for a local health insurer, and was heavily involved in creating some promotional videos for their dental plan.
But they weren't the first ones to come up with a tooth mascot named, well, Toothy. My younger sister works with Spencer's wife at the public library, and I had her drop off a video of a class project my family helped me make in 4th grade. Ashamed of his inadvertent intellectual property theft, Spencer posted part of the video online.
This was the first script I ever wrote, and the first time I was involved in any kind of video project. Not a bad debut, eh? There's so much to love about this video:
--just the fact that Spencer set up his camera to record the tape playing on his TV. So old school.
--my awesome family stepping up at the last minute. A bunch of my friends had volunteered to help out, but all bailed.
--our old school TV, one where you could say "don't touch that dial" and it would actually make sense.
--my sister's big hair underneath her chef's hat.
--my brother seeming WAY too happy when he hears that "Toothy's in trouble."
--the funky positioning of my arms and hands during my brief cameo.
--my mom's great camera work and truly amazing costumes.
--most of all, my dad's tour de force performance as Mr. Cavity. For one thing, after his double knee replacement surgery last year, it would take him at least five minutes now to get up from a fall like that. And his acting was deliciously over the top. I had no idea my dad was a fan of Paul Lynde.
This was only a small portion of the entire video. I think the whole thing is about four minutes long, featuring an extended scene with the chef developing the secret Cavity Busters recipe, and me promoting the stores that sell it with a very crudely drawn poster.
Perhaps someday the entire production will find its way to the Interwebs, where it can be come back to haunt me if I ever become really famous. Thanks for posting, Spencer.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Blogger Brawl: The Lost Entries, Vol. 2
Missing out on a chance to have a paid weekly blog on MormonTimes.com was bad enough, but now, it seems if I had reached the finals I could've participated in a super-cheesy Rocky-esque photoshoot. I'm so bummed out.
But at least the contest generated some new content for this blog. Here is the piece I had ready to turn in if I had reached the finals. All links and italicized comments would have been left out of the "real" entry.
Thank you to everyone who has voted so far and helped me reach this point of the competition. It’s been a lot of fun.
A few years ago, while an undergrad at BYU, my roommate Will and I watched a VH1 show ranking the 200 greatest pop culture icons of all-time. While some of the rankings were dubious (JFK was ranked 32nd, but JFK Jr. was #24), the show inspired us to make our own list of the top 200 Mormon pop culture icons. Should I emerge victorious from this Blogger Brawl, and should that list be expanded to one thousand names, I’d like to think I’d have a spot on it. [It's tempting for me to attack that list in the same manner as the top 500 songs list that dominated my blog last year, but I'll try to refrain.]
Around the time we were making our list, I saw an article in the BYU newspaper about Andrea Finch, who had recently been crowned as America’s Junior Miss, and would be enrolling at BYU that fall. I found her address in the online directory and sent her an e-mail, introducing myself and explaining our list.
I told her we hoped to turn it into a show on BYUTV (which was true, but there was basically zero chance of that ever happening) and invited her to be the host, figuring she would be good at it but mainly trying to figure out a way to get a date with a Miss America-type.
Amazingly, she responded, saying she’d be interested if it fit in with her busy public appearance schedule. I replied that the show was still in pre-production and might not make it to air, but I would keep her updated. We had no further contact.
This was not the only time I attempted an elaborate, far-fetched scheme to get a date. I once found a cute game show contestant on MySpace (how did people ever stalk each other before the Internet?) and sent her a message letting her know how much I enjoyed her performance. [I chronicled this in much more detail here.]
Another time, while working as a reporter for the aforementioned BYU newspaper, I was interviewing a really cute girl about her recent victory in a Dancesport competition. I asked her “off the record” if she had a boyfriend, and if she would mind if I asked her out. This was certainly a more realistic scenario, but I chickened out and never called her again. [This was actually a girl I knew, the first one I had a crush on after my mission. I didn't get a date out of it, but to my knowledge the resulting article was the only one I ever wrote to be picked up on UWIRE, which is the college equivalent of the Associated Press.]
Why am I sharing all these stories? To make sure it’s clear that when it comes to dating, I really have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t know any more about dating and relationships than the next guy or girl; chances are I know much less.
So if I’m fortunate enough to get my own column here at MormonTimes, rest assured I won’t make huge generalities, I won’t try to dispense advice, and I won’t get preachy or super-serious. Instead, I’ll just share my experiences as a guy involved in the dating process (while regularly mixing in pop culture references, of course).
I think a lot of people will find what I have to say relatable. I hope some people will find it funny. I know I’ll have a great time doing it. Thanks again for reading and voting.
But at least the contest generated some new content for this blog. Here is the piece I had ready to turn in if I had reached the finals. All links and italicized comments would have been left out of the "real" entry.
Thank you to everyone who has voted so far and helped me reach this point of the competition. It’s been a lot of fun.
A few years ago, while an undergrad at BYU, my roommate Will and I watched a VH1 show ranking the 200 greatest pop culture icons of all-time. While some of the rankings were dubious (JFK was ranked 32nd, but JFK Jr. was #24), the show inspired us to make our own list of the top 200 Mormon pop culture icons. Should I emerge victorious from this Blogger Brawl, and should that list be expanded to one thousand names, I’d like to think I’d have a spot on it. [It's tempting for me to attack that list in the same manner as the top 500 songs list that dominated my blog last year, but I'll try to refrain.]
Around the time we were making our list, I saw an article in the BYU newspaper about Andrea Finch, who had recently been crowned as America’s Junior Miss, and would be enrolling at BYU that fall. I found her address in the online directory and sent her an e-mail, introducing myself and explaining our list.
I told her we hoped to turn it into a show on BYUTV (which was true, but there was basically zero chance of that ever happening) and invited her to be the host, figuring she would be good at it but mainly trying to figure out a way to get a date with a Miss America-type.
Amazingly, she responded, saying she’d be interested if it fit in with her busy public appearance schedule. I replied that the show was still in pre-production and might not make it to air, but I would keep her updated. We had no further contact.
This was not the only time I attempted an elaborate, far-fetched scheme to get a date. I once found a cute game show contestant on MySpace (how did people ever stalk each other before the Internet?) and sent her a message letting her know how much I enjoyed her performance. [I chronicled this in much more detail here.]
Another time, while working as a reporter for the aforementioned BYU newspaper, I was interviewing a really cute girl about her recent victory in a Dancesport competition. I asked her “off the record” if she had a boyfriend, and if she would mind if I asked her out. This was certainly a more realistic scenario, but I chickened out and never called her again. [This was actually a girl I knew, the first one I had a crush on after my mission. I didn't get a date out of it, but to my knowledge the resulting article was the only one I ever wrote to be picked up on UWIRE, which is the college equivalent of the Associated Press.]
Why am I sharing all these stories? To make sure it’s clear that when it comes to dating, I really have no clue what I’m doing. I don’t know any more about dating and relationships than the next guy or girl; chances are I know much less.
So if I’m fortunate enough to get my own column here at MormonTimes, rest assured I won’t make huge generalities, I won’t try to dispense advice, and I won’t get preachy or super-serious. Instead, I’ll just share my experiences as a guy involved in the dating process (while regularly mixing in pop culture references, of course).
I think a lot of people will find what I have to say relatable. I hope some people will find it funny. I know I’ll have a great time doing it. Thanks again for reading and voting.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Blogger Brawl: The Lost Entries
If you didn't already know it by now, you probably guessed it: I lost in the quarterfinals of the MormonTimes Blogger Brawl. Thank you to everyone who voted for me. It was a pretty fun experience.
Due to the deadlines set by the contest's editor, I had already submitted my semifinal entry and nearly completed my final blog before I was eliminated. They won't go to waste, though. Here's the marvelous piece of prose you would've had the chance to vote for if I had reached the semis.
I am a long-time student of television—literally while in high school and college, but unofficially since I was very young. I watch a lot of TV, and appreciate it for its entertainment value. But I’m also fascinated by the industry itself, and pay close attention to all the little things that go into getting a show on the air.
For example: my mom likes to tell a story that happened when I was five years old. I was in the hospital, and had patiently endured days of tests, needles, and the like, without crying or complaining. But one day I just started bawling uncontrollably.
The event that sent me over the edge? Someone had misplaced the remote, and by the time we found it and turned the hospital TV on, He-Man had already started. It was only a minute or two into the show, but that was late enough to miss the title of the episode, and what’s the point of watching if you don’t know the title? I was inconsolable.
I don't actually recall this event, but I don't doubt its veracity, because my mother is an honest person, and because He-Man was a really great show.
I often think about He-Man when I'm trying to get a date, mainly because I retire to my bedroom so I can have some privacy to call the girl, and once there I see my He-Man pillowcase. I missed the show opening that one time, but I've seen it enough to know that “fabulous secret powers were revealed” to cowardly Prince Adam, transforming him into the fearless hero.
Oh, how I wish I could channel some of those powers when I'm asking someone out (I also wish I had his smile; with just one long tooth in each part of my jaw, I'd never need to floss again). I'm rarely nervous while on a date, but the process of calling a girl to invite her on one terrifies me. When you're on a date, it’s easy to relax because she's set aside that time to spend with you; when you're talking to someone on the phone, there's no way of knowing if you're bothering them—unless they tell you that, which is even more awkward and unpleasant.
You can't see her, so there's no body language cues to pick up on. Plus, I never know how to end the conversation (or begin it, for that matter). Do I get right to the point and ask her out? Do I make small talk first? For how long? After asking, do I make more small talk, or if she said yes do I make my escape as quickly as possible before she can change her mind? I long for the days of high school dances, where the norm was incredibly elaborate methods of asking that allowed me to show off my creativity and avoid any awkward conversations or immediate rejection.
Another of my TV heroes, Batman (the Adam West version), once told Catwoman that "a wife, no matter how beauteous or affectionate, would severely impair my crime fighting." I don't have that excuse. Plus, I know that I need a wife if I ever want to become a "master of the universe." So I'll continue stretching my comfort zone and keep calling girls for dates, using my childhood idols to psych myself up if necessary. And if my dates are ever a little late, I'll do my best not to cry.
Due to the deadlines set by the contest's editor, I had already submitted my semifinal entry and nearly completed my final blog before I was eliminated. They won't go to waste, though. Here's the marvelous piece of prose you would've had the chance to vote for if I had reached the semis.
I am a long-time student of television—literally while in high school and college, but unofficially since I was very young. I watch a lot of TV, and appreciate it for its entertainment value. But I’m also fascinated by the industry itself, and pay close attention to all the little things that go into getting a show on the air.
For example: my mom likes to tell a story that happened when I was five years old. I was in the hospital, and had patiently endured days of tests, needles, and the like, without crying or complaining. But one day I just started bawling uncontrollably.
The event that sent me over the edge? Someone had misplaced the remote, and by the time we found it and turned the hospital TV on, He-Man had already started. It was only a minute or two into the show, but that was late enough to miss the title of the episode, and what’s the point of watching if you don’t know the title? I was inconsolable.
I don't actually recall this event, but I don't doubt its veracity, because my mother is an honest person, and because He-Man was a really great show.
I often think about He-Man when I'm trying to get a date, mainly because I retire to my bedroom so I can have some privacy to call the girl, and once there I see my He-Man pillowcase. I missed the show opening that one time, but I've seen it enough to know that “fabulous secret powers were revealed” to cowardly Prince Adam, transforming him into the fearless hero.
Oh, how I wish I could channel some of those powers when I'm asking someone out (I also wish I had his smile; with just one long tooth in each part of my jaw, I'd never need to floss again). I'm rarely nervous while on a date, but the process of calling a girl to invite her on one terrifies me. When you're on a date, it’s easy to relax because she's set aside that time to spend with you; when you're talking to someone on the phone, there's no way of knowing if you're bothering them—unless they tell you that, which is even more awkward and unpleasant.
You can't see her, so there's no body language cues to pick up on. Plus, I never know how to end the conversation (or begin it, for that matter). Do I get right to the point and ask her out? Do I make small talk first? For how long? After asking, do I make more small talk, or if she said yes do I make my escape as quickly as possible before she can change her mind? I long for the days of high school dances, where the norm was incredibly elaborate methods of asking that allowed me to show off my creativity and avoid any awkward conversations or immediate rejection.
Another of my TV heroes, Batman (the Adam West version), once told Catwoman that "a wife, no matter how beauteous or affectionate, would severely impair my crime fighting." I don't have that excuse. Plus, I know that I need a wife if I ever want to become a "master of the universe." So I'll continue stretching my comfort zone and keep calling girls for dates, using my childhood idols to psych myself up if necessary. And if my dates are ever a little late, I'll do my best not to cry.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Rock the vote...again
It's time to shamelessly beg for votes again. My quarterfinal matchup is live, and the poll will stay open until Friday at midnight. So vote for me, and spread the word to all your friends! Thanks, you're great!
I'm more nervous about this round than I was for the first two. Unsurprisingly, my competition keeps getting better, and the format of my new post will certainly stand out, but maybe not in a good way depending on people's tastes. Plus, as my friend Tamara pointed out, the song I'm parodying is not exactly current (though I'm confident most of the target audience for this contest will recognize it). I can't coast on talent anymore; at this point it's more about the campaigning. So please vote!
(Some of you probably noticed that I have already used that song as a blog post, about 18 months ago. You may rest assured that my writing is not so much lazy as it is procrastinate-y. I was working on a different blog, but wouldn't have finished it in time for my deadline. So I adapted that old post and sent it in. If I make the semis you'll get to read something even better.)
I'm more nervous about this round than I was for the first two. Unsurprisingly, my competition keeps getting better, and the format of my new post will certainly stand out, but maybe not in a good way depending on people's tastes. Plus, as my friend Tamara pointed out, the song I'm parodying is not exactly current (though I'm confident most of the target audience for this contest will recognize it). I can't coast on talent anymore; at this point it's more about the campaigning. So please vote!
(Some of you probably noticed that I have already used that song as a blog post, about 18 months ago. You may rest assured that my writing is not so much lazy as it is procrastinate-y. I was working on a different blog, but wouldn't have finished it in time for my deadline. So I adapted that old post and sent it in. If I make the semis you'll get to read something even better.)
Monday, May 3, 2010
CC
I forgot to add a title to my last post. That's weird.
This is my 200th post! To celebrate, I finally made some changes to my blog.
It still looks pretty boring, but considering it's the first time I've changed anything since my blog debuted about 28 months ago, this is pretty significant. Here's what's new:
--I have a new picture! You have to admit, I'm looking pretty good there.
--The banner is no longer misleading (it said I was living in New York, but I've been back in Utah for nine months now).
--I've added a number of blogs I follow to the sidebar. See Marlene, I told you you were forgiven!
--Right above that, I've added a button you can click and become an official follower of Amateur Blog at the Apollo! Go ahead, stroke my ego.
--If you want to leave a comment, you'll now do so in a pop-up window, and fill in one of those word-verification thingies. Now I won't have to reject all the weird spam comments full of weird links and Wingdings. Mmmm....wingdings....
That's it for now. Maybe when I get to post number 400 I'll consider changing the color scheme.
This is my 200th post! To celebrate, I finally made some changes to my blog.
It still looks pretty boring, but considering it's the first time I've changed anything since my blog debuted about 28 months ago, this is pretty significant. Here's what's new:
--I have a new picture! You have to admit, I'm looking pretty good there.
--The banner is no longer misleading (it said I was living in New York, but I've been back in Utah for nine months now).
--I've added a number of blogs I follow to the sidebar. See Marlene, I told you you were forgiven!
--Right above that, I've added a button you can click and become an official follower of Amateur Blog at the Apollo! Go ahead, stroke my ego.
--If you want to leave a comment, you'll now do so in a pop-up window, and fill in one of those word-verification thingies. Now I won't have to reject all the weird spam comments full of weird links and Wingdings. Mmmm....wingdings....
That's it for now. Maybe when I get to post number 400 I'll consider changing the color scheme.
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