The Hilary Swank to my Ralph Macchio

That's right, I just dropped a Next Karate Kid reference. Unsurprisingly, I'm using it in the context of auditions for Amateur Night at the Apollo. Yup, I auditioned again. I didn't make it this time, but my cousin Rachel did. My first audition resulted in a three-part post and a 4,000-word opus about my performance night; this time around I obviously won't be writing nearly that much, but there are a few things worth mentioning.

The audition process was agonizingly long. We got in line at 7:00 AM, with the doors opening at 10:00. When we finally made it into the theater we were numbers 117 and 118, but still had to wait until about 3:30 for our 90-second performances. I'm glad I don't audition for things very often. It would drive me crazy. Rachel is a veteran singer/dancer/actor and assures me most auditions run more smoothly, but waiting around for four hours instead of six still leaves plenty of time for your throat to get dry and your nerves to get rattled.

I guess we need a Miyagi to complete my Karate Kid comparison, and there was a guy who I saw at both auditions...unfortunately it was Bobby Pass (you can read all about Bobby in the link above). He snuck into the line a few people ahead of us just as we were going into the building (I guess I should be glad we didn't have to put up with him during the first three hours of our wait), and for the rest of the day whenever I saw him he was dispensing advice about what to expect in the audition room and talking about how he was treated unfairly on the night of the show. He's really more like a half-Miyagi: his "wisdom" was about as incoherent as "sand the deck" and "wax on, wax off" was to Daniel-San, but with Bobby there is no moment of clarity at the end where everything comes together.

He also could have really used a black belt. I won't go into any more detail than that, lest others be subjected to the recurring nightmares Rachel and I have had to endure since Saturday. We got to listen to his audition, and bafflingly he sang the same song that got him booed off stage last April. He didn't make the cut, so Amateur Nights for the foreseeable future will be Bobby-free.

Also not passing the audition: this weird family band that was in line near us. Four kids, ages 6-ish to 14-ish, dressed in Kiss t-shirts and bandannas and carting tiny instruments around, looked miserable the whole day, mainly because of their father, who was clearly forcing them to do this. It was the worst stage parenting I've ever been exposed to in my limited auditioning experience, and observing their interactions was uncomfortable. Even more uncomfortable, was their rendition of "Our Lips Are Sealed," and the thoughts of what their agent/father would say to them on the way back to New Jersey. The awfulness of the performance and the intensity of the dad made it seem like the whole thing was an elaborate prank, but unfortunately I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Oh, as for my audition...I'm not really sure why I didn't make it. The Apollo website said they were especially looking for non-singing acts in this audition (and from what I saw there were very few of those), and my material was good. My performance could have been better, but I felt it was at least adequate. I had a new routine about how Domino's is always advertising something other than their pizza (most Seinfeldian line: "It's not that I think they have bad pizza--it's that I think they think they have bad pizza"). Certainly not ground-breaking stuff, but it was funny. I did have to indicate on the form I filled out if I had performed at Amateur Night before, but if I'm allowed to audition again I don't see why it would be a factor against them choosing me. Oh well. There's always the theoretical next time.

As for Rachel...she was amazing! She killed it, as the kids say. I think that's what the kids say. She wanted to sing a 90-second portion from the middle of Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats," but they wouldn't cue up her track for her. So, she had to start from the beginning, not getting to the desired part until about the 1:05 mark. But once she hit that point, she sang it so amazingly well that they didn't stop her until she had almost belted out the whole song. She got to sing for about 150 seconds. And she's going to do even better with the 180 seconds she gets on the big stage in July. I can't wait--in fact, I think I'll go get in line now. It takes a long time to get into the Apollo.