It's fall television premiere season, the most wonderful time of the year for a TV junkie like me. Here's my list of the top 10 women I'm excited to have back in my life on a weekly basis (with a couple of extra categories).
MISSED THE CUT
Lacey Schwimmer, Dancing With The Stars
Definitely would be on the list if she hadn't gone blond.
Marge Simpson, The Simpsons
Physical appearance is a huge factor on this list--I won't be doing a similar post about TV dudes--and despite Marge's recent Playboy spread, I'm not a big fan of the Olive Oyl body type.
HONORABLE MENTION
Cerie Xerox, 30 Rock
Emma Pillsbury, Glee
Avery Jessup, 30 Rock
These shows debuted this week, but missing these regular characters. And yes, I'm ranking the characters from scripted shows. I don't know what the real people are like.
10. Quinn Fabray, Glee
Would be ranked higher if this list was 100% physical, but she can be kinda witchy and not a tremendous singer.
9. Jules Cobb, Cougar Town
The best-looking middle-aged drunk on a show full of good-looking middle-aged drunks.
8. Annie Edison, Community
7. Britta Perry, Community
Trending upward. Both could easily crack the top 5 if the show's second season is as good as the first.
6. Pam Halpert, The Office
I liked her more as a single receptionist than as a married salesperson.
5. Claire Dunphy, Modern Family
Gives an underrated, Jason-Bateman-in-Arrested-Development-esque performance as the "straight man" in the funniest show on TV.
4. Anna Trebunskaya, Dancing With The Stars
I've always had a thing for redheads. I know she's married, but I enjoy watching her. Dance. I enjoy watching her dance.
3. Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
Not only does Tina Fey look really good in glasses, but she looks weird without them. Keep the glasses on all season, Liz.
2. Sue Sylvester, Glee
As I said, the list is largely looks-based, but I'm not 100% shallow.
1. Gloria Pritchett-Delgado, Modern Family
Ay ay ay! Well done, Al Bundy. Well done.
[Update: A couple of big brain farts by me. Should have chosen Glee's Brittany over Quinn--nearly as attractive and way more entertaining. Also, I made my list a few days too early, forgetting that Saturday Night Live also returns this weekend. So Quinn and Jules get swapped out for Brittany and Kristen Wiig, and Abby Elliott is tied for fourth. I told you, I like redheads.]
So how chauvinistic/lame am I for doing this? And which are the best females TV characters I'm missing out on by not watching Bones, or House, or pretty much any hour-long drama or anything on CBS?
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Bite the bullet
Some lingering thoughts and questions after my 47th viewing of the Magic Bullet infomercial, far and away the greatest infomercial of all time...
It's pretty obvious that the whole thing is set the morning after a swinger's party. Everyone's either wearing pajamas, or the same clothes they had on the night before. They're all extremely comfortable with each other...so comfortable, in fact, that nobody questions why their hosts have huge platters of meats, cheeses, fruits, vegetables and more, all cut or chopped into blender-ready chunks. None of them wonder why the Aussie and his wife are preparing dozens of entrees and side dishes, one after another in succession. And not one person finds it weird that the duo are schilling for this magic blender (even using catchphrases). You'd think at least one of their guests would ask what was going on, or at least why one couple would have five or six of the same blender.
Until the last time I watched it, I thought there were three couples plus Hazel (the elderly master of the long cigarette ash), which made me wonder if she were some kind of referee for the previous evening's swinging. But when I saw it again a few days ago, I finally noticed the presence of Ike the omelette eater. So now it appears that there's three couples, plus Berman and Hazel. So the numbers even out. (I'm leaping to some conclusions here about what goes on at swinger parties. I really have no idea.)
The dark-haired lady doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the group. She puts out a "Mary Steenburgen playing a Mormon housewife" type of vibe, and doesn't seem to be a crazy partier. The other seven, I can see them being up for anything.
The spokesmodels don't use very precise measurements. When they say they're adding "a little" of this or "just a squeeze" of that, you never know if you're going to end up with just a dash of curry powder, or a Bullet cup full of basil leaves. I can see this inconsistency causing some problems in other activities; hopefully their friends had their safe words ready.
If I could eat anything they made using the personal, versatile, countertop magician, I'd probably go with the chicken salad.
That's about it...just know that I own a Magic Bullet (got it as a gift, but it's the only infomercial product I've ever considered actually buying), I don't use it every day, and (as you'd probably expect) it doesn't work as well in real life as it does on TV--but it does work. And if I ever stumble across it while channel surfing, I'll always stop and watch for at least one...two...three seconds. Probably longer.
It's pretty obvious that the whole thing is set the morning after a swinger's party. Everyone's either wearing pajamas, or the same clothes they had on the night before. They're all extremely comfortable with each other...so comfortable, in fact, that nobody questions why their hosts have huge platters of meats, cheeses, fruits, vegetables and more, all cut or chopped into blender-ready chunks. None of them wonder why the Aussie and his wife are preparing dozens of entrees and side dishes, one after another in succession. And not one person finds it weird that the duo are schilling for this magic blender (even using catchphrases). You'd think at least one of their guests would ask what was going on, or at least why one couple would have five or six of the same blender.
Until the last time I watched it, I thought there were three couples plus Hazel (the elderly master of the long cigarette ash), which made me wonder if she were some kind of referee for the previous evening's swinging. But when I saw it again a few days ago, I finally noticed the presence of Ike the omelette eater. So now it appears that there's three couples, plus Berman and Hazel. So the numbers even out. (I'm leaping to some conclusions here about what goes on at swinger parties. I really have no idea.)
The dark-haired lady doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the group. She puts out a "Mary Steenburgen playing a Mormon housewife" type of vibe, and doesn't seem to be a crazy partier. The other seven, I can see them being up for anything.
The spokesmodels don't use very precise measurements. When they say they're adding "a little" of this or "just a squeeze" of that, you never know if you're going to end up with just a dash of curry powder, or a Bullet cup full of basil leaves. I can see this inconsistency causing some problems in other activities; hopefully their friends had their safe words ready.
If I could eat anything they made using the personal, versatile, countertop magician, I'd probably go with the chicken salad.
That's about it...just know that I own a Magic Bullet (got it as a gift, but it's the only infomercial product I've ever considered actually buying), I don't use it every day, and (as you'd probably expect) it doesn't work as well in real life as it does on TV--but it does work. And if I ever stumble across it while channel surfing, I'll always stop and watch for at least one...two...three seconds. Probably longer.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Frozen food for thought
I finally got around to trying the new Hot Pockets "Sideshots" the other day. I'm normally a fan of any greasy meat-filled item I can throw in the microwave, especially if said item reminds me of Jim Gaffigan.
But I was resistant to the Sideshots...and it was all because of their commercials. We're supposed to believe that these people are outcasts because they eat a burger-shaped Hot Pocket with their hands, instead of a fork? Please. As if anyone has ever eaten a Hot Pocket, or a non-microwaveable hamburger, with utensils. It's ludicrous.
I know they ate Snickers bars with a knife and fork on Seinfeld, but that was only funny because it was so ridiculous. I've seen firsthand that British people eat pizza with utensils, but they also put sweetcorn on it, so we can't take their "behaviour" seriously.
Speaking of Mr. Hot Pocket...I'm semi-tempted to see the new Justin Long-Drew Barrymore rom-com just because Gaffigan is in it (although I successfully resisted the temptation to see The Love Guru, and that had Gaffigan AND Stephen Colbert in it). And speaking of Long, do you think the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy ever looks at him and wonders what might have been? But I digress...where was I?
Oh yeah, the Sideshots. I'd buy them again, I guess. But not if there's a sale on frozen White Castle sliders.
But I was resistant to the Sideshots...and it was all because of their commercials. We're supposed to believe that these people are outcasts because they eat a burger-shaped Hot Pocket with their hands, instead of a fork? Please. As if anyone has ever eaten a Hot Pocket, or a non-microwaveable hamburger, with utensils. It's ludicrous.
I know they ate Snickers bars with a knife and fork on Seinfeld, but that was only funny because it was so ridiculous. I've seen firsthand that British people eat pizza with utensils, but they also put sweetcorn on it, so we can't take their "behaviour" seriously.
Speaking of Mr. Hot Pocket...I'm semi-tempted to see the new Justin Long-Drew Barrymore rom-com just because Gaffigan is in it (although I successfully resisted the temptation to see The Love Guru, and that had Gaffigan AND Stephen Colbert in it). And speaking of Long, do you think the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy ever looks at him and wonders what might have been? But I digress...where was I?
Oh yeah, the Sideshots. I'd buy them again, I guess. But not if there's a sale on frozen White Castle sliders.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
DJ Jazzy Jeff
Hey, remember when I used to blog? I kind of do. And I think I enjoyed it. So maybe I'll do it more often. It's time to make my presence felt again on the Interwebs.
The spell check had better not give me any problems on that last word. Interweb is official now, making its dictionary debut along with other vocabularic atrocities like bromance, chillax and wardrobe malfunction. Surprisingly, cheeseball is also a new addition to the OED. I'm guessing it's been in Merriam-Webster for a while, considering the cheeseball was a Super Bowl staple long before the first wardrobe malfunction.
So now you have some new words to be wary of when playing Hangman. But you'd have better luck saving your stickman with the newbies than with some much older words. Someone with too much time on their hands figured out the hardest Hangman word of all--it's jazz. Kind of surprising, but it makes sense when you think about it.
Speaking of jazz...the other day, out of the blue, I remembered that I had a San Antonio Spurs t-shirt when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it was my brother's shirt first, and like so many articles of clothing before and after it, it was passed on to me. But that's no excuse. That shirt had no business in my home, let alone touching my body. I'm hoping I can successfully repress this shameful memory again. Maybe buying a Jazz jersey would help. I can't decide between Al Jefferson and Othyus Jeffers. Either way, I'd have my name on the back, and I could feel like I'm part of the team.
Word up.
The spell check had better not give me any problems on that last word. Interweb is official now, making its dictionary debut along with other vocabularic atrocities like bromance, chillax and wardrobe malfunction. Surprisingly, cheeseball is also a new addition to the OED. I'm guessing it's been in Merriam-Webster for a while, considering the cheeseball was a Super Bowl staple long before the first wardrobe malfunction.
So now you have some new words to be wary of when playing Hangman. But you'd have better luck saving your stickman with the newbies than with some much older words. Someone with too much time on their hands figured out the hardest Hangman word of all--it's jazz. Kind of surprising, but it makes sense when you think about it.
Speaking of jazz...the other day, out of the blue, I remembered that I had a San Antonio Spurs t-shirt when I was a kid. I'm pretty sure it was my brother's shirt first, and like so many articles of clothing before and after it, it was passed on to me. But that's no excuse. That shirt had no business in my home, let alone touching my body. I'm hoping I can successfully repress this shameful memory again. Maybe buying a Jazz jersey would help. I can't decide between Al Jefferson and Othyus Jeffers. Either way, I'd have my name on the back, and I could feel like I'm part of the team.
Word up.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Thanks for the Memorex
My VCR finally died. It's inexplicable that it lasted as long as it did. But I miss it already.
Back in 2005, my long-time roommate Greg moved out of our apartment. He had tons of stuff (TVs, VCRs, computers, DVDs, etc.), and was very generous in sharing it. On the day he moved out, my other roommate Hardy joined me on a trip to Wal-Mart where I bought a big TV for the living room, a small one for my bedroom, and a VCR for each.
(In case you didn't know already, I'm a television addict.)
Sometime in 2007, something weird happened to one of the VCRs. The tape refused to eject, but somehow it continued working. I could record something, watch it, rewind, and record over it again. And the tape quality never seemed to deteriorate. It was still usable, I just couldn't use that VCR to watch my other tapes or to record something I wanted to keep forever. But it kept working time after time.
Until this week. I recorded something, then tried to rewind the tape, but instead it spit the tape halfway out and shut down. I unplugged it, plugged it back in, but when I pushed play it was just static.
But we had plenty of good times, and I definitely got my money's worth. Plus I still have the other one. And hopefully it will last for a long time, because nobody really sells VCRs anymore. DVRs are great, mainly for the ability to begin watching something from the beginning while still recording the ending, but I actually prefer a VCR when it comes to precision of control. Plus I'm too poor to get a DVR right now. Long live the VCR!
Back in 2005, my long-time roommate Greg moved out of our apartment. He had tons of stuff (TVs, VCRs, computers, DVDs, etc.), and was very generous in sharing it. On the day he moved out, my other roommate Hardy joined me on a trip to Wal-Mart where I bought a big TV for the living room, a small one for my bedroom, and a VCR for each.
(In case you didn't know already, I'm a television addict.)
Sometime in 2007, something weird happened to one of the VCRs. The tape refused to eject, but somehow it continued working. I could record something, watch it, rewind, and record over it again. And the tape quality never seemed to deteriorate. It was still usable, I just couldn't use that VCR to watch my other tapes or to record something I wanted to keep forever. But it kept working time after time.
Until this week. I recorded something, then tried to rewind the tape, but instead it spit the tape halfway out and shut down. I unplugged it, plugged it back in, but when I pushed play it was just static.
But we had plenty of good times, and I definitely got my money's worth. Plus I still have the other one. And hopefully it will last for a long time, because nobody really sells VCRs anymore. DVRs are great, mainly for the ability to begin watching something from the beginning while still recording the ending, but I actually prefer a VCR when it comes to precision of control. Plus I'm too poor to get a DVR right now. Long live the VCR!
Monday, July 19, 2010
But I have been to a hootenanny in Oak City
Driving home from Provo last weekend, I saw some fireworks being set off. I'm guessing they were coming from the baseball stadium, the name of which escapes me for the moment. I just know it's not Derks Field anymore.
As I watched them, I began wondering why I've never attended Stadium of Fire. Then I started thinking of some other things I've never done:
--I've never attended a General Conference session in person.
--I never went to EFY. (I didn't even know what it is until my senior year of high school. But I do own pirated cassettes of most of the '90s EFY soundtracks.)
--I've never been skiing.
--I've never hiked the "Y."
Considering I've lived all of my life as a Mormon, most of that life in Utah, and a huge chunk of that Utah time in Provo, which of these nevers is the most surprising? I've also never posted a poll on my blog's sidebar, and don't plan to now, so just leave your answers in the comments.
As I watched them, I began wondering why I've never attended Stadium of Fire. Then I started thinking of some other things I've never done:
--I've never attended a General Conference session in person.
--I never went to EFY. (I didn't even know what it is until my senior year of high school. But I do own pirated cassettes of most of the '90s EFY soundtracks.)
--I've never been skiing.
--I've never hiked the "Y."
Considering I've lived all of my life as a Mormon, most of that life in Utah, and a huge chunk of that Utah time in Provo, which of these nevers is the most surprising? I've also never posted a poll on my blog's sidebar, and don't plan to now, so just leave your answers in the comments.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Joke fiend
Today is International Joke Day! It's also Canada Day. I don't know if that's coincidental, or if the two are related, and if so which spawned the other. It's one of those chicken and the egg things. Or chicken crossing the road things. Or something.
I love jokes. I especially love puns. I'm a pretty good joke teller. I have good timing and delivery, especially when it comes to deadpan. But I haven't had a lot of success creating my own jokes.
The first joke I ever made up was the classic "Why did the fisherman go fishing?," and its variant "Why didn't he go fishing?" I used to tell this "joke" to my family, changing the punchline every time so they couldn't get it right. Sometimes he had run out of worms, sometimes it was raining, sometimes he didn't like fish...hilarious.
More recently I've been making a joke that hasn't gone over as well as I thought it would. Three months ago I bought a car, a 1995 Buick Park Avenue. When telling people about my sweet ride, I've mentioned that my car is almost old enough to drive itself. I've used the line about a dozen times, never resulting in more than a chuckle. Now I'm second-guessing my plan to start joking next March about the Iraq war reaching the age of accountability.
Compounding the problem, one of the three stand up routines I've ever written is now obsolete, thanks to Domino's new and improved pizza.
Basically, I need some new jokes. So celebrate IJD by sharing some of your favorites in the comments!
I love jokes. I especially love puns. I'm a pretty good joke teller. I have good timing and delivery, especially when it comes to deadpan. But I haven't had a lot of success creating my own jokes.
The first joke I ever made up was the classic "Why did the fisherman go fishing?," and its variant "Why didn't he go fishing?" I used to tell this "joke" to my family, changing the punchline every time so they couldn't get it right. Sometimes he had run out of worms, sometimes it was raining, sometimes he didn't like fish...hilarious.
More recently I've been making a joke that hasn't gone over as well as I thought it would. Three months ago I bought a car, a 1995 Buick Park Avenue. When telling people about my sweet ride, I've mentioned that my car is almost old enough to drive itself. I've used the line about a dozen times, never resulting in more than a chuckle. Now I'm second-guessing my plan to start joking next March about the Iraq war reaching the age of accountability.
Compounding the problem, one of the three stand up routines I've ever written is now obsolete, thanks to Domino's new and improved pizza.
Basically, I need some new jokes. So celebrate IJD by sharing some of your favorites in the comments!
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