I've been busy packing up and getting ready for next week's move back to New York, so to fulfill my desire to blog I'm bringing you the next installment in my occasional series in which I rerun a post from the old blog for Laugh Out Loud, my (sadly, now former) improv troupe.
I'll be at my parents' house most of my remaining time in Utah, and they still use dial-up, so I probably won't blog again until after the move. That week or so off may help me to get out of the habit I've been in the last few weeks of writing about stuff that happened several years ago. But this is a good one--I chose it because yesterday, for the first time since the show mentioned in this post, I saw my friend Talitha at American Idol auditions (which I will definitely blog about soon), and also because this weekend is my ten-year high school reunion. Which is almost as good as a 13-year reunion. I originally posted this, under the same title, on September 27, 2006:
About this time last year, me and my roommate Will started to get hooked on this show on Fox called Reunion. The premise of the show was that six close friends from high school meet up for their 20-year reunion, and one of them is murdered. Each episode covered the major events of one of those 20 years, interspersed with scenes from the murder investigation in the present day. The writing was awful and the acting was even worse, but they did a decent job picking music that represented the era, and the serial nature of the show made me want to keep watching.
So what did Fox do? They pulled the plug on the show after about six or seven episodes. Like they couldn't have taken two Saturdays on FX and played 10-episode marathons or something like that. It was extremely disappointing. I even signed an online petition to keep it on the air (I never sign online petitions for proposed constitutional amendments or anything like that, but this was important--this was TV), but to no avail.
Laugh Out Loud avoids toying with people's emotions like that by making our reunions one-night-only affairs. The pictures in this post come from our most recent alumni show [unfortunately, all of the pictures from the old blog are inaccessible], which was our final free summer show back in early August. (I know, I know, that was eight weeks ago, but it's not easy to schedule time in a darkroom to get your digital pictures developed.) The show was great fun. We had six former players come back and join me, Brendan, and Andrew for the biggest non-Maestro show ever. Someday, I'll get someone to show me how to put pictures where I want them instead of all at the beginning, and how to load the video clips I have as well. For now, just scroll back up and take a minute to enjoy the frozen comedy now that you have some context for it.
Other groups that organize reunions could learn from our example. For instance, this weekend thousands of people will attend mission reunions. I used to go to mission reunions but stopped for two reasons: first off, there's usually an LOL show the same night, as is the case this year (more on that later); and second, I got tired of getting stuck on the freeway for two hours, trying to get to Salt Lake so I could see old "friends" and have the following conversation:
Me: Hey, it's you!
[Fellow former missionary and I shake hands, pull each other in and give a single pound on the back--it's the mandatory missionary greeting.]
Former Elder So-and-So: I haven't seen you forever! How have you been?
Me: Fine. What've you been up to?
Former Elder So-and-So: Not much.
Me: Well, see you in six months!
If the conversation goes beyond that, within 60 seconds someone will ask "Are you dating anyone?" or "How come you're not married yet?" and everyone will feel awkward. Those with even less tact will say something along the lines of "Boy, you sure put on weight, didn't you?" I deal with these questions enough when I talk to my mom; I don't need extra aggravation from former apostate missionaries (you know who you are)!
One last bad reunion experience and then I'll move on. Three years ago I went to my five-year high school reunion (yes, I'm old). When I got there, I was directed to a table where one of our senior class officers, a girl I took to the last dance of the school year back in '98, was helping people make name tags. I noticed hers had her "high school" name on it, so I said "Hey, I thought you got married." "I did," she replied, and told me that her divorce had just been finalized. If I had any self-respect, I would've left right then, but I don't, so I adjusted my foot so it fit more comfortably in my mouth, stayed for a while, and had, well, a boring time, because after all--it was a reunion! (If you're reading, Robin, I apologize. You're not reading? Dang!)
So once again, it's up to LOL to set the standard for good reunions. This Friday, another former cast member, Joey Leavitt, will be returning to the law school stage. I'm the longest-tenured current LOLer (this weekend will mark the fourth anniversary of my first show), but Joey was one of my coaches when I first started with the group. I'm not sure if that is an endorsement or an indictment of his comedic skills, but I think he's funny.
Joey throws everything he has into his jokes, especially in jump-up games. When Joey jumps to the front of the stage, you can be sure one of three things is going to happen: his joke will get a big laugh, or it won't get a big laugh so he'll spend an extra 30 seconds explaining why you should've laughed, or he'll start singing "Oops I Did It Again" and make it fit with whatever game we happen to be playing.
My favorite Joey memory is from years ago, when he and Talitha (the girl in these pictures and the one responsible for me joining LOL) were performing a scene that required them to kiss. It was the funniest "kiss" ever, as they puckered their lips but kept their faces about 18 inches apart, while moving their hands and arms in a "wax on, wax off" type of motion. It was awesome.
(Random side note: Talitha's husband, also a part of the alumni show, is named Tom Hanks. Seriously.)
A few other things you should know about Joey:
1) He works for the federal government and probably has access to your credit rating, so laugh at his jokes.
2) He's in his late-mid-twenties and still goes by Joey. Most Joeys switch to Joe or Joseph when they are about 11. But our pal Joey is a non-conformist.
3) Joey was my neighbor for about a year before I had even heard of LOL, so I've known him for a while. Three out of the four guys who lived in his apartment had, at some point, dated the same girl, who was also in our ward. The roommate switch is always pretty impressive, but this girl pulled off the double roommate switch--unprecedented!
Clearly, this Friday's show is going to be amazing. Get your tickets in advance if you can, because we'll almost certainly sell out. It's sure to be the best performance you see this fall--unless someone decides to put together a "Charles In Charge" reunion show.
Remember, this is an old post. There's no big show this weekend. By the way, Talitha made it past the first round of Idol auditioning. I didn't. Again, many more details will come later. Oh, and if you like funny blogs, check out Joey's. Especially if you also like Bryan Adams.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
It's Friday, it's 8:30, we're waiting for a bus, it's time to party
I'm your excellent host, Jeff Hofmann. With me as always is...well, all of you readers. Party on, readers.
Inspired by last week's missionary mama drama posts, the few minutes of Wayne's World I saw on TV yesterday, and the lack of anything else particularly entertaining to write about right now, I thought I'd share my favorite missionary story. It doesn't involve babies.
When I was about five months into my mission, I was transferred to the somewhat depressing town of East Kilbride (I linked to that article because it was written less than a month after I left the city, and also for the bizarre reference to "Charlie Dimmock's nipples," which I don't get at all), to be companions with the more depressing Elder McInelly, who had been on his mission almost a year and a half.
Even though he was the senior companion, he was an incredibly indecisive and nontalkative guy. If an appointment fell through, he'd pull out his map and stare at it for ten minutes until I'd finally say, "we could go visit so-and-so," or "we could chap (Scottish for tract) in this neighborhood," and he would say "I guess" in his southern Utah twang, as if to say "fine, but if it doesn't go well it's your fault."
There was only one semi-affluent neighborhood in our proselyting area. It also happened to be the neighborhood farthest away from our apartment. We only went there at night, because during the day the residents were at work (hence the affluence). We always stopped a little earlier than usual when chapping in that neighborhood, because there was only one bus an hour, and as I said we were pretty far away from our ghetto 13th-story apartment.
One night, we were waiting for the bus, and as usual making conversation with Elder McInelly was difficult. We sat there for over five minutes without saying a word to each other. I thought to myself, "This is stupid. We ought to talk to each other."
So I blurt out, "Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?"
The response came: "No."
That was it. That was all he said. I waited about a minute and asked, "Have you seen Wayne's World?"
"I think so, but I don't really remember it."
I explained to him that I was referring to a scene in the movie where Wayne (ironically, Mike Myers' only successful non-British character) and Garth were sitting in the dark in silence, much as we were, when Garth surprised Wayne with the same question. (I've always believed, and this site confirms, that this scene was literally a surprise for Myers--it wasn't in the script. Excellent!)
I can't find the relevant clip from the movie, but here's how it would look in anime. If you don't get the Bugs Bunny reference, here's a uniquely appropriate example of what Garth was talking about.
Side note: if a Scot said something about "Looney Tunes," he'd likely be referring to towns for boys. No way! Way.
If I recall correctly, the bus came a few minutes later, and we didn't speak to each other the rest of the night, and hardly at all for the ten weeks we were companions. I really wanted to ask him what I was supposed to do with a gun rack, but I didn't want him to look at me like monkeys had just flown out of my butt.
P.S. I Googled Charlie Dimmock, and my memory was immediately jogged. Charlie is a woman, for starters, a woman who was on a TV gardening show while I was on my mission, known for not wearing a bra (she was known for that, not me). So the comment in the article makes sense. I suppose it would've been easier to delete the above parenthetical than add this postscript, but I never take the easy way out. (As if!)
Inspired by last week's missionary mama drama posts, the few minutes of Wayne's World I saw on TV yesterday, and the lack of anything else particularly entertaining to write about right now, I thought I'd share my favorite missionary story. It doesn't involve babies.
When I was about five months into my mission, I was transferred to the somewhat depressing town of East Kilbride (I linked to that article because it was written less than a month after I left the city, and also for the bizarre reference to "Charlie Dimmock's nipples," which I don't get at all), to be companions with the more depressing Elder McInelly, who had been on his mission almost a year and a half.
Even though he was the senior companion, he was an incredibly indecisive and nontalkative guy. If an appointment fell through, he'd pull out his map and stare at it for ten minutes until I'd finally say, "we could go visit so-and-so," or "we could chap (Scottish for tract) in this neighborhood," and he would say "I guess" in his southern Utah twang, as if to say "fine, but if it doesn't go well it's your fault."
There was only one semi-affluent neighborhood in our proselyting area. It also happened to be the neighborhood farthest away from our apartment. We only went there at night, because during the day the residents were at work (hence the affluence). We always stopped a little earlier than usual when chapping in that neighborhood, because there was only one bus an hour, and as I said we were pretty far away from our ghetto 13th-story apartment.
One night, we were waiting for the bus, and as usual making conversation with Elder McInelly was difficult. We sat there for over five minutes without saying a word to each other. I thought to myself, "This is stupid. We ought to talk to each other."
So I blurt out, "Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?"
The response came: "No."
That was it. That was all he said. I waited about a minute and asked, "Have you seen Wayne's World?"
"I think so, but I don't really remember it."
I explained to him that I was referring to a scene in the movie where Wayne (ironically, Mike Myers' only successful non-British character) and Garth were sitting in the dark in silence, much as we were, when Garth surprised Wayne with the same question. (I've always believed, and this site confirms, that this scene was literally a surprise for Myers--it wasn't in the script. Excellent!)
I can't find the relevant clip from the movie, but here's how it would look in anime. If you don't get the Bugs Bunny reference, here's a uniquely appropriate example of what Garth was talking about.
Side note: if a Scot said something about "Looney Tunes," he'd likely be referring to towns for boys. No way! Way.
If I recall correctly, the bus came a few minutes later, and we didn't speak to each other the rest of the night, and hardly at all for the ten weeks we were companions. I really wanted to ask him what I was supposed to do with a gun rack, but I didn't want him to look at me like monkeys had just flown out of my butt.
P.S. I Googled Charlie Dimmock, and my memory was immediately jogged. Charlie is a woman, for starters, a woman who was on a TV gardening show while I was on my mission, known for not wearing a bra (she was known for that, not me). So the comment in the article makes sense. I suppose it would've been easier to delete the above parenthetical than add this postscript, but I never take the easy way out. (As if!)
Friday, July 25, 2008
Weekend at Burn-ies
My parents and youngest sister recently made their annual road trip to Missouri to visit my Grandpa. Along the way, they stopped at a hotel with this phone number.
My sister took the picture on her phone, which explains the blurriness (or maybe Chelsea was just running really fast at the time). I don't think they were at this hotel, but that would've been cool.
A random note about my mom: she's a very talented person, but she has one skill that I only recently found out about. My mom kicks butt at those store-front claw games. She wins about half of the times she plays, and she's always bringing home plush toys for her kids, grandkids, and the neighbors' kids (thanks for the California Raisin, Mom). She's pretty awesome...although it would be even more awesome if she claimed they were her awards from army (relevant clips are about six, nine, and 19 minutes in, but the whole episode is fantastic, if a little PG-13).Thursday, July 24, 2008
Hit me, baby, one more time
And now for the thrilling conclusion. And yes, this really happened. If this were made up, we could probably come up with a more dramatic ending (it's still really good, though, don't stop reading). But that's the best part about this--it's a first-person account. Most of the time when you hear really good stories, it's been filtered through several retellings and you have no idea if it's true or not. But this one's legit.
So without further ado, here's the rest of Joni's story:
"I left her, and I hated leaving her, but then at the same time, like, there was nothing I could have done in that situation. I left her there, and the member, this is sort of funny, the member said like, “Sister, I never understood you in Portuguese until that one time when you were trying to obey the rules.” When I was trying to tell her that she couldn’t stay alone. So that was sort of a funny thing.
"So I go the member’s house, and I’m just sitting there, like not proselyting, not doing anything, and the husband comes home of the member. And the husband’s like “where’s your companion?” and I’m like “at the hospital” and he was like “let me call” and I’m like “don’t call, she’ll get so mad, she’s so mad at me.” And he was like well let me see so he called the hospital and the hospital told him that she was in the maternity ward and he got off the phone and he talked to me and he was like “Sister, she’s going to be so mad when she finds out that she’s in the maternity ward because the hospital thinks she’s pregnant and she’s not.” And I’m like “I know, why does everybody think she’s pregnant and she’s not” and so we sat down to dinner.
"At dinner I remember one of the members asking me “so, how long has your companion been out?” and I was like “7 months” and I could see him counting on his hand and everybody thinks she’s pregnant! Anyway, he called again, she was still in the maternity ward and he said we have to go to the hospital but I was like “yeah, but I don’t want to go, let’s pick up a different Sister that speaks Portuguese better and take her to the hospital.”
"So we picked up the other Sister and I stayed at the house with her companion. To make a long story short, the sister came back, she was like, “she’s really sick, I’ve got to go back to the hospital and stay with her.” So I thought my companion was really deathly sick or whatever.
"The next day I worked with that other sister the whole day long, I thought nothing of this, like my companion’s just sick and we even went to the hospital but we didn’t go inside, and the other sister was like “let’s go inside, let’s go inside” but we didn’t because I was like “no, she’s sick, just let her be” and I sort of wish we would’ve because I would’ve liked to actually be there but we went tracting and proselyting for a little longer and the other sister came and found us with a member, the sister that was staying with the pregnant sister, and said that the mission president was coming tonight.
"I thought that was sort of strange because we were in one of the farthest cities, like the very border of our mission, and I was like “Whoa! He’s coming tonight? She must be really sick.” I didn’t get it.
"Anyway, to make a long story short, we came home from proselyting that night and the mission president was there. So I was like, if she’s really pregnant or if something’s going on that I should know about he’s going to ask me because I was with her the whole time. And he was an American mission president and his wife was with him too. I thought, wow, this is strange that they both came.
"The first thing he said was like, “why aren’t there any lights on out here? You need to get more lights, you need to fix this, people are going to break in, it’s not very safe.” So I was like, oh, if he’s just concerned about our safety, then probably nothing is going on with the other sister who’s really sick. And he was like, I need you to pack her bags up, because she’s going to be coming home with us. Like, she’s really sick, she needs to go home. And so I still thought nothing of it, I sort of went to see her to say goodbye.
"Anyway, the mission president left. That night we were fixing dinner, it was the three sisters. One of the sisters was making dinner, I was setting the table and the other sister was just in there. One of the sisters, that wasn’t with the pregnant girl said “so, I heard this sister was pregnant” and she was like “no, everybody thinks that but she’s not” and I was like “why does everybody think she’s pregnant, because even the doctors thought that, the doctor even told me in English that she was going to have a baby boy? Why would the doctor do that?”
"The sister that had been with her was like “How did you find out?” And I was like “I was at the hospital.” She was like “yeah, she did have a baby” and I was like no, stop lying to me, you’re lying too. Everybody lies! And she’s like no, she really had a baby, she had a baby boy. And I’m like oh my goodness, this is too weird, I knew she was going to have a baby boy, but I didn’t really process it, it was very weird.
"And so, I come to find out she had the baby, when she had the baby she wasn’t very happy about it, she said some things she probably shouldn’t have, and it took a while for her to acknowledge that she’d had the baby, so she left the next day with the mission president to the mission home.
"She sort of had to stay hidden so none of the members would know why she left. We couldn’t tell anybody why she left, like even the APs didn’t know why she left. She had to stay in the mission home for ten days because the baby couldn’t fly. She had to stay hidden, nobody knew she was there. And then she went home…and that’s the end of my story."
Happy Pioneer Day everybody!
So without further ado, here's the rest of Joni's story:
"I left her, and I hated leaving her, but then at the same time, like, there was nothing I could have done in that situation. I left her there, and the member, this is sort of funny, the member said like, “Sister, I never understood you in Portuguese until that one time when you were trying to obey the rules.” When I was trying to tell her that she couldn’t stay alone. So that was sort of a funny thing.
"So I go the member’s house, and I’m just sitting there, like not proselyting, not doing anything, and the husband comes home of the member. And the husband’s like “where’s your companion?” and I’m like “at the hospital” and he was like “let me call” and I’m like “don’t call, she’ll get so mad, she’s so mad at me.” And he was like well let me see so he called the hospital and the hospital told him that she was in the maternity ward and he got off the phone and he talked to me and he was like “Sister, she’s going to be so mad when she finds out that she’s in the maternity ward because the hospital thinks she’s pregnant and she’s not.” And I’m like “I know, why does everybody think she’s pregnant and she’s not” and so we sat down to dinner.
"At dinner I remember one of the members asking me “so, how long has your companion been out?” and I was like “7 months” and I could see him counting on his hand and everybody thinks she’s pregnant! Anyway, he called again, she was still in the maternity ward and he said we have to go to the hospital but I was like “yeah, but I don’t want to go, let’s pick up a different Sister that speaks Portuguese better and take her to the hospital.”
"So we picked up the other Sister and I stayed at the house with her companion. To make a long story short, the sister came back, she was like, “she’s really sick, I’ve got to go back to the hospital and stay with her.” So I thought my companion was really deathly sick or whatever.
"The next day I worked with that other sister the whole day long, I thought nothing of this, like my companion’s just sick and we even went to the hospital but we didn’t go inside, and the other sister was like “let’s go inside, let’s go inside” but we didn’t because I was like “no, she’s sick, just let her be” and I sort of wish we would’ve because I would’ve liked to actually be there but we went tracting and proselyting for a little longer and the other sister came and found us with a member, the sister that was staying with the pregnant sister, and said that the mission president was coming tonight.
"I thought that was sort of strange because we were in one of the farthest cities, like the very border of our mission, and I was like “Whoa! He’s coming tonight? She must be really sick.” I didn’t get it.
"Anyway, to make a long story short, we came home from proselyting that night and the mission president was there. So I was like, if she’s really pregnant or if something’s going on that I should know about he’s going to ask me because I was with her the whole time. And he was an American mission president and his wife was with him too. I thought, wow, this is strange that they both came.
"The first thing he said was like, “why aren’t there any lights on out here? You need to get more lights, you need to fix this, people are going to break in, it’s not very safe.” So I was like, oh, if he’s just concerned about our safety, then probably nothing is going on with the other sister who’s really sick. And he was like, I need you to pack her bags up, because she’s going to be coming home with us. Like, she’s really sick, she needs to go home. And so I still thought nothing of it, I sort of went to see her to say goodbye.
"Anyway, the mission president left. That night we were fixing dinner, it was the three sisters. One of the sisters was making dinner, I was setting the table and the other sister was just in there. One of the sisters, that wasn’t with the pregnant girl said “so, I heard this sister was pregnant” and she was like “no, everybody thinks that but she’s not” and I was like “why does everybody think she’s pregnant, because even the doctors thought that, the doctor even told me in English that she was going to have a baby boy? Why would the doctor do that?”
"The sister that had been with her was like “How did you find out?” And I was like “I was at the hospital.” She was like “yeah, she did have a baby” and I was like no, stop lying to me, you’re lying too. Everybody lies! And she’s like no, she really had a baby, she had a baby boy. And I’m like oh my goodness, this is too weird, I knew she was going to have a baby boy, but I didn’t really process it, it was very weird.
"And so, I come to find out she had the baby, when she had the baby she wasn’t very happy about it, she said some things she probably shouldn’t have, and it took a while for her to acknowledge that she’d had the baby, so she left the next day with the mission president to the mission home.
"She sort of had to stay hidden so none of the members would know why she left. We couldn’t tell anybody why she left, like even the APs didn’t know why she left. She had to stay in the mission home for ten days because the baby couldn’t fly. She had to stay hidden, nobody knew she was there. And then she went home…and that’s the end of my story."
Happy Pioneer Day everybody!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Sisters are doin' it for themselves
Are all y'all on the edge of your seats, waiting to see what happened next? I know I am! Here is the penultimate installment of Joni's story! (Yes, that means there will be one more tomorrow; and yes, I could've cleaned up the writing a little, but I couldn't be bothered, and I think it still flows pretty well, and hopefully it will serve as a reminder that this is how most people talk. And um, I think that's like, ok.)
"So we walked for a while, and then she looked at me and was like, “what did the doctor tell you?” And I was like “I don’t know, we need to talk” and she was like, and then I told her “he said you were pregnant.” Then she was like, “Oh, I knew he would do that because when I was in the room with him I told him that you were American and he said he was going to go play a trick on you and tell you I was having a baby.”
"And I was like oh, man, I can’t believe the doctor would do that, that’s so mean, everything, that’s just like, wow, that would be a malpractice suit in the United States, she’s like “I know,” and so we went to lunch. And so I’m totally thinking she’s not pregnant, it’s just the doctor’s tricking me.
"So we went to lunch and my companion didn’t eat anything and, which was really weird, and she felt really sick, was just hurting. We went to a first discussion, and the lady we happened to be teaching the first discussion was pregnant, which was really sort of interesting. We ended up not teaching her a first discussion because she didn’t have time but the fact that she was pregnant brought on another discussion with my companion.
"We said, my companion said to me, “Do you think I look pregnant because why does everybody call me pregnant?” And I was like, “well I kind of understand because you’re really pretty skinny it’s just your stomach is sort of bigger and your ankles are always swollen. So I can see why people say you might look pregnant.” She said “no, no, no, no, no, if I was pregnant I’d look like that lady.” So she was sort of brainwashing me to make sure that I like, didn’t think she was pregnant.
"So I’m like okay, you don’t have to explain yourself, but anyway, so it was February 18, 2000, the year 2000, I remember the day, and it was one of the hottest days of the year, and we were walking to an appointment, and it was like dirt roads, plus these rock roads, and it was so hard to walk on, like my feet hurt and it was like two miles to our appointment. We taught the appointment and I remember just sweating, and I was almost falling asleep, it was so hot, but she just kept truckin’, she was a strong, determined girl.
"After that she’s like, I feel really sick. And so we walked probably another mile or two to another member’s house and she, the member was like “Here, here’s some medicine” and she took the medicine and to me that was such a big deal because in our mission you couldn’t take medicine from members. But she did. And then she also, the member’s like, “Do you want to lay down?” and so she laid down and went to sleep. And I was like whoa, she’s like, she’s breaking two mission rules, I can’t believe this, because she was a very good companion, she obeyed all the rules.
"So she slept and I sat there with the member, and she was like “what’s wrong?” I was like “she’s really sick, we went to the hospital earlier, but it was sort of crazy, the doctors didn’t know what they were talking about,” so I was really confused. Anyway, she woke up and came out and was like “you know what, I think I need to go to the hospital” and I was like, well, why do you want to go the hospital if you don’t like the doctor? I was really confused.
"But she said that it was okay, they were going to give her some saline, and the doctor told her to come back and get some saline. I thought that was strange from an American perspective but if you live in Brazil it’s not very strange if you just stop by the hospital and get some saline to charge you up. It’s very common, at least from what I experienced down there.
"So we’re going to the hospital and I was like, “Sister, I know there’s a rule in the mission that if you go to stay in the hospital you have to call the mission president to get permission.” And so, she’s like, she didn’t want to, but finally she agreed to call, and, so I was sort of excited because she was going to call the mission office, and I have no idea how to use the phone in Brazil. So she said she was going to call and I was hoping that she’d get the American Elders or the mission president and I could sneak on the phone and ask him like, what I should do, because I was sort of suspicious, I was just confused.
"So we went to the chapel, we called, and she’s on the phone, and I was like “who are you talking to?” She said it was one of the Brazilian Elders. So I was like dang it, how am I supposed to tell somebody about this in English. I couldn’t. She said it was okay, and we went to the hospital.
"We got to the hospital, and on the way there she’s like “okay, Sister, you’re going to stay with the member and I’m going to go to the hospital and you’re going to go proselyte for a couple of hours and then come back and pick me up because we can’t lose proselyting hours. And I was so confused because like, wait a second, the mission rule is you have to stay with your companion, I know that.
"And then she’s like, “oh the sisters do it all the time in my old area they would just leave me in the hospital and leave me with the doctors and go and work so we didn’t miss hours.” And I was all what? I was so confused and I was like, “Sister, I know this is a rule.” And she’s like, “well wait here.”
"She went outside and she came back in like five minutes because she wanted to find out how long it would be. And she also told me I shouldn’t go because if I went the doctors would just make fun of me and tease me that she was pregnant and having a baby and I shouldn’t go because they would just make fun of me.
"I was really confused, but she came back out, and she was like shaking, sweating, and I was like “no, Sister I have to go with you” and she was like “no you can’t” and the member was like we’ve got to get out of here, she’s crazy just leave her here. She was just, she was insane basically."
Will Joni ever become un-confused? Come back tomorrow and find out!
"So we walked for a while, and then she looked at me and was like, “what did the doctor tell you?” And I was like “I don’t know, we need to talk” and she was like, and then I told her “he said you were pregnant.” Then she was like, “Oh, I knew he would do that because when I was in the room with him I told him that you were American and he said he was going to go play a trick on you and tell you I was having a baby.”
"And I was like oh, man, I can’t believe the doctor would do that, that’s so mean, everything, that’s just like, wow, that would be a malpractice suit in the United States, she’s like “I know,” and so we went to lunch. And so I’m totally thinking she’s not pregnant, it’s just the doctor’s tricking me.
"So we went to lunch and my companion didn’t eat anything and, which was really weird, and she felt really sick, was just hurting. We went to a first discussion, and the lady we happened to be teaching the first discussion was pregnant, which was really sort of interesting. We ended up not teaching her a first discussion because she didn’t have time but the fact that she was pregnant brought on another discussion with my companion.
"We said, my companion said to me, “Do you think I look pregnant because why does everybody call me pregnant?” And I was like, “well I kind of understand because you’re really pretty skinny it’s just your stomach is sort of bigger and your ankles are always swollen. So I can see why people say you might look pregnant.” She said “no, no, no, no, no, if I was pregnant I’d look like that lady.” So she was sort of brainwashing me to make sure that I like, didn’t think she was pregnant.
"So I’m like okay, you don’t have to explain yourself, but anyway, so it was February 18, 2000, the year 2000, I remember the day, and it was one of the hottest days of the year, and we were walking to an appointment, and it was like dirt roads, plus these rock roads, and it was so hard to walk on, like my feet hurt and it was like two miles to our appointment. We taught the appointment and I remember just sweating, and I was almost falling asleep, it was so hot, but she just kept truckin’, she was a strong, determined girl.
"After that she’s like, I feel really sick. And so we walked probably another mile or two to another member’s house and she, the member was like “Here, here’s some medicine” and she took the medicine and to me that was such a big deal because in our mission you couldn’t take medicine from members. But she did. And then she also, the member’s like, “Do you want to lay down?” and so she laid down and went to sleep. And I was like whoa, she’s like, she’s breaking two mission rules, I can’t believe this, because she was a very good companion, she obeyed all the rules.
"So she slept and I sat there with the member, and she was like “what’s wrong?” I was like “she’s really sick, we went to the hospital earlier, but it was sort of crazy, the doctors didn’t know what they were talking about,” so I was really confused. Anyway, she woke up and came out and was like “you know what, I think I need to go to the hospital” and I was like, well, why do you want to go the hospital if you don’t like the doctor? I was really confused.
"But she said that it was okay, they were going to give her some saline, and the doctor told her to come back and get some saline. I thought that was strange from an American perspective but if you live in Brazil it’s not very strange if you just stop by the hospital and get some saline to charge you up. It’s very common, at least from what I experienced down there.
"So we’re going to the hospital and I was like, “Sister, I know there’s a rule in the mission that if you go to stay in the hospital you have to call the mission president to get permission.” And so, she’s like, she didn’t want to, but finally she agreed to call, and, so I was sort of excited because she was going to call the mission office, and I have no idea how to use the phone in Brazil. So she said she was going to call and I was hoping that she’d get the American Elders or the mission president and I could sneak on the phone and ask him like, what I should do, because I was sort of suspicious, I was just confused.
"So we went to the chapel, we called, and she’s on the phone, and I was like “who are you talking to?” She said it was one of the Brazilian Elders. So I was like dang it, how am I supposed to tell somebody about this in English. I couldn’t. She said it was okay, and we went to the hospital.
"We got to the hospital, and on the way there she’s like “okay, Sister, you’re going to stay with the member and I’m going to go to the hospital and you’re going to go proselyte for a couple of hours and then come back and pick me up because we can’t lose proselyting hours. And I was so confused because like, wait a second, the mission rule is you have to stay with your companion, I know that.
"And then she’s like, “oh the sisters do it all the time in my old area they would just leave me in the hospital and leave me with the doctors and go and work so we didn’t miss hours.” And I was all what? I was so confused and I was like, “Sister, I know this is a rule.” And she’s like, “well wait here.”
"She went outside and she came back in like five minutes because she wanted to find out how long it would be. And she also told me I shouldn’t go because if I went the doctors would just make fun of me and tease me that she was pregnant and having a baby and I shouldn’t go because they would just make fun of me.
"I was really confused, but she came back out, and she was like shaking, sweating, and I was like “no, Sister I have to go with you” and she was like “no you can’t” and the member was like we’ve got to get out of here, she’s crazy just leave her here. She was just, she was insane basically."
Will Joni ever become un-confused? Come back tomorrow and find out!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Hump day, slump day...baby bump day?
I've been going through my stuff in preparation for my upcoming move, and it turns out I've been a bit of a pack rat over my last seven years in Provo. Among the relics I've discovered: the tights from my costume shown in the previous post, the receipt from the time I rented Zoolander (I have no problems with linking to my previous posts, Joey), some of my amazing song parodies that I've written for various ward talent shows and FHE musicals over the years, and a $5 bill in an old birthday card.
I also found a bunch of old floppy disks, containing most of the papers I wrote in my undergrad days. I got an external floppy drive from my brother and sister for my birthday (along with "Earl Weaver Baseball," because my siblings read my blog), so I've been able to look back and see how my writing has improved over the years (not much; I was really good back then too).
The paper I was most interested in finding was my final project from my folklore class--a collection of stories, songs, urban legends, traditions, etc., about sister missionaries. I chose this topic because I had a great centerpiece for it: a coworker had once told me the story of one of her mission companions having a baby while in the field. I've mentioned this story to several people recently (although I'm unsure if any of them read my blog) but couldn't remember all the details. Now, though, I have it again, so I think I'll post it here in it's entirety. It's long, though, so I think I'll serialize it.
Here, then, is part one of my former coworker Joni Miller's story (I wouldn't be surprised if Corina and Anna know Joni, but again, I don't know if they're among my readers). According to my paper, it was "transcribed from audio cassette with 'um's, pauses, and many 'like's, 'and so's, and 'anyway's removed."
"Okay, I was a missionary in Brazil. My second companion out in the field, there’s an interesting story about her, I guess you could say. I had only been out in the field for two months, I was a greenie with my American companion and my American companion left, so I was left with her, this new companion, and all other Brazilian Sisters [in her house].
"Every time I’d go out with her people would say, “Gee, you look pregnant” to her. She was a little bigger but nothing bad at all, and I’d always be defensive because, she sort of looked pregnant but, hello, she’s a sister missionary and I didn’t think anything of it, so I’d be like “No, she’s not” and get mad at the, sometimes I’d get mad and frustrated at the people in Brazil that would judge her.
"Anyway, so, one day we woke up and she, I remember her being really tired, and she stayed in bed, which is really rare for her because usually she’d get out of bed and study, and this day she didn’t she just studied in bed and she was sleeping so I thought man, she must be really sick. So she got up and she asked if she could borrow one of my skirts which I was fine with, and she, as we were leaving she was like “we’ve got to go call the doctor, because I feel really sick” so I was like “okay” and it was a common thing because she was sick before with the other sisters that she’d been companions with, sort of common for her to be sick but we thought nothing of it.
"Anyway, she, I thought it was because of the food because the food down there is really fatty, I guess, really sticks to you I guess. When she was leaving I remember walking out the door and I looked at my dress and I was like “Oh, man, she already sweated in my dress” because in Brazil you sweat all the time and little did I know that that was her water breaking.
"And so, we went and called the doctor, and she talked to the doctor and she told me, like, “okay, we have to go to the hospital,” and I didn’t think anything of it ‘cause that’s where the doctor was doing his rounds. When we went to the hospital we went to the maternity ward and I still didn’t think anything of it because I knew she was going to see a female, or a ob-gyn kind of doctor. So I was like “oh, no big deal”. And she was very adamant to tell me that lots of people stay in the maternity ward, even men. And I was like “okay, I don’t care” and so the doctor came and saw her and brought her into a room and I was hoping I could go in her room with her because I just wanted to hear what the doctor had to say but she wouldn’t let me.
"So anyway I stayed there for a while and the doctor came out and said “how do you know that girl?” And I was like, “well, she’s my friend.” And he said, “They’re getting her ready to have a baby.” And I was like, “No, no, no, no, you are wrong, because she’s not pregnant, you’re wrong” and he was like, okay, and he looked at me strangely and I was thinking maybe I’m wrong, so I went and I, I remember thinking well, maybe there’s a different word to the word gravida, which means pregnant.
"So I looked it up in my English-Portuguese dictionary and I saw that the only meaning was pregnant! So I was like what!? And so, the doctor came back and he talked to me in English and he said “Okay, we’re getting her ready to have a baby boy” in English and I was like whoa and I’m like “no, no, no, no” and right then, like, what goes through your mind, like call the mission president, and then like, it was a mistake, like maybe the doctor’s wrong, maybe she’s wrong like, maybe she didn’t know it’s like Jerry Springer or Ricki Lake.
"And so, I said “Can I talk to her?” And he said “Yeah, come into her room.” So I walked to the room and as soon as we got to the room she ripped open the door and she’s like, she’s dressed and she’s runnin’ out and she grabbed me by the arm and she was pulling me out of the hospital and screaming “This doctor’s crazy, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” all this stuff, and I in my broken Portuguese was like, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, sorry” to everyone because she’s making this big scene in the hospital.
"So we left the hospital and I’m freaked out because I don’t know if everybody in, like all the doctors lie and stuff like that, or if the doctors aren’t smart enough or if my companion’s lying, so I’m really confused."
I'm going to take a pregnant pause here (ha!), but I'll post more of the story tomorrow.
I also found a bunch of old floppy disks, containing most of the papers I wrote in my undergrad days. I got an external floppy drive from my brother and sister for my birthday (along with "Earl Weaver Baseball," because my siblings read my blog), so I've been able to look back and see how my writing has improved over the years (not much; I was really good back then too).
The paper I was most interested in finding was my final project from my folklore class--a collection of stories, songs, urban legends, traditions, etc., about sister missionaries. I chose this topic because I had a great centerpiece for it: a coworker had once told me the story of one of her mission companions having a baby while in the field. I've mentioned this story to several people recently (although I'm unsure if any of them read my blog) but couldn't remember all the details. Now, though, I have it again, so I think I'll post it here in it's entirety. It's long, though, so I think I'll serialize it.
Here, then, is part one of my former coworker Joni Miller's story (I wouldn't be surprised if Corina and Anna know Joni, but again, I don't know if they're among my readers). According to my paper, it was "transcribed from audio cassette with 'um's, pauses, and many 'like's, 'and so's, and 'anyway's removed."
"Okay, I was a missionary in Brazil. My second companion out in the field, there’s an interesting story about her, I guess you could say. I had only been out in the field for two months, I was a greenie with my American companion and my American companion left, so I was left with her, this new companion, and all other Brazilian Sisters [in her house].
"Every time I’d go out with her people would say, “Gee, you look pregnant” to her. She was a little bigger but nothing bad at all, and I’d always be defensive because, she sort of looked pregnant but, hello, she’s a sister missionary and I didn’t think anything of it, so I’d be like “No, she’s not” and get mad at the, sometimes I’d get mad and frustrated at the people in Brazil that would judge her.
"Anyway, so, one day we woke up and she, I remember her being really tired, and she stayed in bed, which is really rare for her because usually she’d get out of bed and study, and this day she didn’t she just studied in bed and she was sleeping so I thought man, she must be really sick. So she got up and she asked if she could borrow one of my skirts which I was fine with, and she, as we were leaving she was like “we’ve got to go call the doctor, because I feel really sick” so I was like “okay” and it was a common thing because she was sick before with the other sisters that she’d been companions with, sort of common for her to be sick but we thought nothing of it.
"Anyway, she, I thought it was because of the food because the food down there is really fatty, I guess, really sticks to you I guess. When she was leaving I remember walking out the door and I looked at my dress and I was like “Oh, man, she already sweated in my dress” because in Brazil you sweat all the time and little did I know that that was her water breaking.
"And so, we went and called the doctor, and she talked to the doctor and she told me, like, “okay, we have to go to the hospital,” and I didn’t think anything of it ‘cause that’s where the doctor was doing his rounds. When we went to the hospital we went to the maternity ward and I still didn’t think anything of it because I knew she was going to see a female, or a ob-gyn kind of doctor. So I was like “oh, no big deal”. And she was very adamant to tell me that lots of people stay in the maternity ward, even men. And I was like “okay, I don’t care” and so the doctor came and saw her and brought her into a room and I was hoping I could go in her room with her because I just wanted to hear what the doctor had to say but she wouldn’t let me.
"So anyway I stayed there for a while and the doctor came out and said “how do you know that girl?” And I was like, “well, she’s my friend.” And he said, “They’re getting her ready to have a baby.” And I was like, “No, no, no, no, you are wrong, because she’s not pregnant, you’re wrong” and he was like, okay, and he looked at me strangely and I was thinking maybe I’m wrong, so I went and I, I remember thinking well, maybe there’s a different word to the word gravida, which means pregnant.
"So I looked it up in my English-Portuguese dictionary and I saw that the only meaning was pregnant! So I was like what!? And so, the doctor came back and he talked to me in English and he said “Okay, we’re getting her ready to have a baby boy” in English and I was like whoa and I’m like “no, no, no, no” and right then, like, what goes through your mind, like call the mission president, and then like, it was a mistake, like maybe the doctor’s wrong, maybe she’s wrong like, maybe she didn’t know it’s like Jerry Springer or Ricki Lake.
"And so, I said “Can I talk to her?” And he said “Yeah, come into her room.” So I walked to the room and as soon as we got to the room she ripped open the door and she’s like, she’s dressed and she’s runnin’ out and she grabbed me by the arm and she was pulling me out of the hospital and screaming “This doctor’s crazy, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” all this stuff, and I in my broken Portuguese was like, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, sorry” to everyone because she’s making this big scene in the hospital.
"So we left the hospital and I’m freaked out because I don’t know if everybody in, like all the doctors lie and stuff like that, or if the doctors aren’t smart enough or if my companion’s lying, so I’m really confused."
I'm going to take a pregnant pause here (ha!), but I'll post more of the story tomorrow.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Girth-am City
The Dark Knight opens today, and I'm pretty excited to see it tonight. Batman is my favorite movie franchise, but I'm not the type of fan to wear a costume to a midnight showing. I had no problem donning the tights for Halloween '03, however, even though it looks like I ate Robin.
Even though I look like George Clooney, and I've really enjoyed every non-Clooney Batman movie that's been made in my lifetime, when it comes to costumes, the Adam West version is clearly the way to go. A friend pointed out that I have no shark repellent on my utility belt, but other than that I think I pull it off pretty well--and even though my physique isn't great, this doesn't look good on anybody.
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