Tonight we're going to party with songs from 1980-1999

As the decade draws to a close (or enters its final year, depending on how you want to look at it), let's take one final look back...at the pop music from the two previous decades that I've been chronicling all year. I'm sure most of you have been compiling your own data as the top 500 countdown went along, but please bear with me anyway.

Best Artist: Madonna, 17 songs in the top 500

Runners Up: Bon Jovi and Janet Jackson, 10 each; Michael Jackson and Prince, 8 each

Honorable Mention: George Michael had 9 entries when his solo stuff (including his duet with Elton John) is combined with his work with Wham!.

In all, 280 groups and solo performers made the list, 191 of them with just one song.

Best year for music: 1987 and 1988 had 36 songs each, but'88 gets the nod since 2 songs from other years were rereleased that year (although its top-ranked song was #39).

Worst year: 1981 (8 songs, highest #73) and 1980 (10 songs, highest #56) got the shaft. There were just 16 hits from '99 included, but that year did produce the "#1" song and five others in the top 80.

Most overrated songs: The choice of "Smooth" as #1 is still baffling, but to me it's more fitting than "Iris" at 6, and infinitely more appropriate than "Two Princes" as #11.

Most underrated songs: I'm not surprised "Wannabe" and "The Final Countdown" appeared back to back on the list, but I would expect it to be much, much higher than 462 and 463. Bowie's "Modern Love" is a top 40 song in my mind, but was only ranked #439.

Best one-hit wonder: Santana and Peter Gabriel both cracked the top 10 with their only songs on the list, but they aren't really one-hit wonders. If Natalie Imbruglia was a one-hit wonder (I don't recall anything else by her), she wins this category by placing 12th; otherwise the award goes to The Rembrandts at #50.

Most glaring omission: I know some were surprised at the absence of "Smells Like Teen Spirit," but the pop bent of the station and their list make the inclusion of a few Poison, White Lion and Pearl Jam songs more surprising than any metal, grunge or alternative artists who were left out. No, the most inexplicable omission (noticed by my brother) is the absence of Lionel Richie from the list.

That's right, we had three songs each from Bananarama and Jewel, but no "All Night Long." Four each by Billy Idol, Don Henley and Richard Marx, but no "Hello." Five Paula Abdul songs made the list, but there was no room for "Dancin' on the Ceiling." Crazy.

Well, I think that's it. If you want any additional statistical analysis, contact me privately, because this topic will not be addressed on my blog in 2010. Happy New Year, everyone!

Checking it twice

For those of you wondering if I was a good boy in 2009, here's a brief report on what Santa and his helpers brought me on Christmas morning.

My wish list was mostly composed of themes, categories, etc.; I only asked for four specific items, and I got them all:

--A new watch. I used to wear a watch all the time, and felt kinda naked when it wasn't on. But I've been using my phone to tell time since my last watch broke about five years ago. But now, I spend a lot of time in places (the temple, work, my primary classroom) where it's helpful to know what time it is but I can't have my phone out.

--A new wallet. I got my first "big boy" wallet in junior high, and have been using it ever since. The final plastic picture holders fell out recently, which is fine, since I haven't had any wallet-sized photos for about a decade. This new wallet is thinner, which I like, but it's wider, so it doesn't fit as well in my front pockets. I'll still cram it in there next time I'm in New York, though. It's weird--from the time I first started carrying a wallet, I've always been paranoid about it being stolen. I'd be walking through the halls in high school between classes, and I'd feel for my wallet every two minutes to make sure it was still there. I must have been really worried about losing my lunch tickets.

--Season 12 of The Simpsons on DVD, the most recent release (they're on season 21 right now). This season includes such classics as the one where Homer becomes the mayor of New Springfield, the one where the Simpsons get a tennis court, and the one where Bart joins a boy band and is mentored by *NSYNC ("those whack invertebrates will sting you old school"). When I get the DVDs, I've already seen the episodes many times, so I like to watch the episodes with the commentary on and see if they talk about the jokes and moments that I liked best, but they usually just make fun of the people who critique the show on the Internet.

--The Book of Basketball, by Bill Simmons (my favorite sports writer). It's quite an opus--over 700 pages long, weighs about three pounds, and while promoting it on a TV show back in October, they showed that it will even stop a bullet. But you need that kind of space to discuss important things like the 33 biggest "what-ifs" in NBA history (no. 7: what if Julius Erving played with Pete Maravich?) and who the 95th best NBA player of all time is (Jo Jo White). In other words, probably less than 2% of the people who read this blog would be interested in reading this book.

Add in the '80s edition of those "Scene It" DVD games, a zip-up BYU hoodie, and a book of puzzles based on New Yorker cartoons, and it was merry Christmas for Jeff.

How about you? Did y'all manage to stay off of the naughty list?

Hey little sister, what have you done?

My sister Julie got married last month. I hope she doesn't construe my waiting for six weeks to blog about it as an indication of my feelings about her and the importance of her big day. She is now Julie Chavez, the wife of Jaben Chavez. My new brother-in-law is a good guy. Our moms served together on the stake primary presidency long before Julie and Jaben met (as coworkers at the University of Phoenix). They dated for several years before they got married, and I'm glad he's now officially part of our family.

It was a day I'm sure Julie and Jaben will never forget, but it was memorable for me too. Some of the things that stick out in my mind:

--I won $100 in a radio contest, which allowed me to have one of the four boxes I left in New York shipped to me. My suit was in it, and after getting it dry-cleaned, it felt like the material was about 40% lighter than I remembered. I know that it's the same suit, but it doesn't feel like the same suit. Kind of weird.

--Wedding planning is very complex, at least for the bride and her family (i.e., my mom). I wouldn't describe Julie's wedding and associated events (reception, showers, etc.) as excessive or overly elaborated, but she was busy non-stop for two months getting ready for it. But (at least from my perspective) everything turned out well, so it was worth it.

--I was asked to be the usher for the wedding. Not AN usher, THE usher. Or, as I liked to say, just plain Usher. My idea of wearing jeans, a white blazer, and a baseball cap with a script "A" on it was unfortunately shut down. These are my confessions: I was a terrible usher. By the time I showed up a bunch of people were already there, coming in and out of the chapel. I didn't know who was an employee of the reception hall and who was a member of the groom's family. Someone asked me where the bathroom was and I didn't know. I stationed myself at the only main entrance to the chapel, but there was an opening in the back where the chapel and reception area connect, and most people walked through that. I didn't really do anything positive in my usher role, but fortunately it didn't have any negative impact on the ceremony.

--The ceremony, performed by the bishop of my ward, was cheerful, tender and classy, so obviously someone like me would have nothing extra to say about it.

--My sister has a lot of friends! There were way more people at the reception than I figured there would be. And they hooked the new couple up with lots and lots of presents. Almost makes me want to get married too.

--Speaking of which...there are six kids in my family. My brother Adam is the 2nd; he got married five years ago. Julie is 4th oldest. The rest of us are single. Perhaps sensing that us odd-numbered kids are, well, odd, it was the youngest, my sister Chelsea, who had the most people ask her when she was getting married. I think she ended up with the bouquet too, so things are looking up for her. My brother Derek and I were as clumsy in going for the garter as we are in our attempts at dating.

--The food at the reception was tremendous. Five or six kinds of cheesecake, mini eclairs, brownies, and more...and since I have an in with the bride, we got to take home a lot of the leftovers.

--My brother recorded the ceremony, but turned the camcorder over to me for the reception. It was so much fun. I hadn't used a video camera in about three years, probably. I miss looking for and framing good shots, capturing funny moments on tape, and creating my own funny moments with my commentary. Maybe I'll get a camera for Christmas. I forgot to put it on my list, but Santa knows what we need before we even ask him. Wait, I might be thinking of someone else.

--Last but not least...there's the photographer, Margo. Even before the wedding, my sister had told me that the photog was cute and that I should ask her out. At the wedding and reception, I heard the same thing, independently, from my brother, my aunt, and a few other people. It was kind of weird. She was very attractive (still is, I suppose)--she's even a redhead, which is often a major plus for me--and she's clearly talented (these pictures were taken by her), but I didn't do it, for several reasons: 1) She was busy, and I didn't want to distract her from her job. 2) I've never been the kind of guy to approach women I don't know and ask them out. Probably one of the reasons I'm still highly unmarried, because it can be hard to date your friends. 3) The fact that so many people urged me to do it resulted in natural resistance on my part. 4) Finally, the lukewarm-at-best reaction I got on the two attempts I made to interact with her made me reluctant to try anything further.

Most of the staged picture taking took place in the hour or so between the end of the ceremony and beginning of the reception. Several young nieces and nephews were part of the wedding party, and at one point Margo called out, "ok, I need all of the cute kids up here for this picture." I dutifully walked to the stage, but rather than laugh at my joke she said that she had asked for the cute kids. Later on, I was interviewing people for the reception video. I walked over to the couch where she was talking with my Aunt Anna, and asked if they had anything to say to the bride and groom. She said no thanks and walked away. So that was that.

My aunt had actually had a lengthy conversation with her, and while trying to get me to ask her out later on told me what she had learned about her, including the fact that she also worked for JetBlue as a reservations agent--a job I had applied for a few weeks earlier. Since the reception, I have attended an information session/interview with JetBlue, where Margo and I saw each other again and again did not speak to each other. I've been offered the job, and I accepted, with a training class starting late February.

So there's an off-off-off-off-off chance that this part of the story isn't over, but the most important aspect of this new job is that, after training, I would get to work from home. This will require a high-speed Internet connection, so I have a few weeks to convince my parents to let me do it (at which time I would probably switch to part-time at the post office). If this happens, it will be huge for me, meaning, among other things, much more regular blogging. So keep your fingers crossed. Until I can find someone who suits me as well as my sister and her husband suit each other, the The Internet is the closest thing I have to a significant other, and this separation has been painful.

Congratulations, Julie and Jaben! Thanks for providing content for my blog. You two are great, and you're great together.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Let me tell you about a dream I recently had.

I don't remember my dreams very often. When I do remember something, it's usually just the gist of it, then when I'm in that pleasant state between being asleep and awake, I semi-consciously enhance and embellish the narrative. So this dream is probably not completely authentic, but it's not totally made up either. It certainly is an accurate representation of my feelings towards certain letters to the editor and commentaries from TV pundits that you see this time of year. Anyway...

In my dream I was working in retail (so I guess it was actually a nightmare). It was probably ShopKo, since I was wearing a red shirt, I worked there when I was in high school, and I only had one customer in my line even though I was the only cashier working. (Seriously, I don't know how the chain as a whole is faring, but I will be shocked if the store by our house isn't closed within two years. It's a ghost town in there.)

Technically, I had two customers, a husband and wife who appeared to be in their late 40s or early 50s. They paid for their stuff, I gave them their change, and wished them "happy holidays." The man then said, "Oh, so you're one of those people who is afraid to say 'Merry Christmas,' huh?" It must have been the end of a long shift, or my shoes were a few sizes too small like the Grinch's, or maybe I'm just a jerk, but I went off on an epic rant. The following retelling probably isn't verbatim, but it's close:

"You're offended that I said happy holidays instead of merry Christmas? Seriously? Why would you care which generic salutation you receive from someone you don't even know? Besides, what is bad about saying happy holidays? Christmas is a holiday, right? When I say happy holidays, doesn't it imply that I wish you a merry Christmas, plus a bonus wish for a happy New Year? Does that mean you'd be even more offended if I said something with no celebratory implications at all, like 'Have a good night' or 'Thanks for shopping with us'? That's what I usually say to people. Just because I chose to say one thing, it doesn't preclude me from meaning something else that I didn't say. And, to be honest, I DON'T really mean it when I say these things. I don't want you to have a bad Christmas, but whether it's merry or not really has no impact on me. So you would rather have me insincerely wish you a merry Christmas, in a sense taking the Lord's name in vain? You want me to break one of the Ten Commandments, just to make you feel good?! Well, fine! HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!"

Happy holidays, everyone!

The final countdown

Nothing like finishing up a long series of posts with a little momentum, huh? I'm pretty well adjusted to my work schedule now, but I now am sleeping at the time I used to go to the library to use the Internet. To make matters worse, I've typed several full or partial blog posts on Word, but for some reason they aren't pasting into Blogger. So I have a lot of stuff I want to put up here, but I'm not sure when it will happen.

As for my last post...I can't believe I failed to use the presence of "My Heart Will Go On" to make a comparison between Titanic and the Twilight movies, and how I'm one of the few who has never seen either. Even more unforgivable, though, I got two Savage Garden songs mixed up. I'm so ashamed.

But enough about that, though. Back to the matter at hand. We've finally reached the end. The final installment of our pop song countdown. For those of you just joining us, I've been reprinting, with my added commentary, a countdown of the top 500 songs of the '80s and '90s, as played by New York City radio station WPLJ over Memorial Day weekend in 2003.

Much thanks to PLJ for providing about 1/3 of my blog content over the last six months, and to anyone who actually read every post. Let's find out which songs got the top spots.

#25-1

25. “Save The Best For Last,” Vanessa Williams (1992)
Pretty serendipitous placement for this rather forgettable song.
24. “Jump,” Van Halen (1984)
23. “The Sign,” Ace Of Base (1994)
I may have already written about this in a previous installment, but it's surprising how much I dislike Ace of Base in light of how much I like their fellow Swedes ABBA and Roxette. Was there a big Swedish pop act this decade? I'd hate to see the streak end.
22. “Summer Of ’69,” Bryan Adams (1985)
In case you were wondering...Mr. Adams was 9 years old in the summer of 1969. What a prodigy!
21. “Nothing Compares 2 U,” Sinead O’Connor (1990)
20. “Eye Of The Tiger,” Survivor (1982)
19. “Ironic,” Alanis Morissette (1996)
18. “Against All Odds,” Phil Collins (1984)
17. “Semi Charmed Life,” Third Eye Blind (1997)
16. “One Sweet Day,” Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men (1995)
15. “3 AM,” Matchbox Twenty (1998)
14. “Every Breath You Take,” Police (1983)
13. “Torn,” Natalie Imbruglia (1998)
12. “Open Arms,” Journey (1982)
11. “Two Princes,” Spin Doctors (1993)
This might be my least favorite song on the list. If it was #311, I would've thought it was too high. Man, '90s pop music was disappointing.
10. “I Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston (1992)
9. “Beat It,” Michael Jackson (1983)
8. “In Your Eyes,” Peter Gabriel (1986, 1989)
Ah, the theme song from my junior prom. Last Sunday, I had a visitor in my Primary class--the 9-year-old daughter of my prom date, whose parents are in my ward. She has a 9-year-old! And has been married for 11 years! She must have wanted to make sure I didn't ask her out again. By the way, I enjoyed SNL's updated take on the most famous movie scene involving this song (near the end of this episode, they don't have a separate clip of the sketch).
7. “Crazy For You,” Madonna (1985)
It's good to see most of the seminal acts of the era (Madge, MJ, Mariah, Whitney, the guys from Genesis) represented at the top of the list, but I'm not sure if they chose the right song for any of them.
6. “Iris,” Goo Goo Dolls (1998)
Seriously? #6? If not for Spin Doctors, this might be the most overrated song of the list. If they ever struggle to stay relevant, they could change their name to the Google Dolls. Then, for once, I would agree with someone saying a band has "sold out."
5. “Everything I Do (I Do For You),” Bryan Adams (1991)
Really? Two songs in the top 25? I guess you were right all along, Joey. Bryan Adams is awesome. This is also the highest ranked song that they made us sing at 6th grade graduation ("That's What Friends Are For" and "From A Distance" were the others).
4. “Let’s Go Crazy,” Prince (1984)
I'm kind of surprised that Prince got the respect he deserves on this list. When they play this song with the full "Dearly beloved..." intro on the radio, it's a rare treat.
3. “You Oughta Know,” Alanis Morissette (1995)
Two top 20 songs for Alanis too. If she did a duet with Bryan Adams, it might have been the biggest song ever!
2. “Livin’ On A Prayer,” Bon Jovi (1987)
Speaking of SNL, I can't believe they didn't go with the easy, obvious, and guaranteed laughs of a Bon Jovi-Jon Bovi showdown when Jon, Richie and the rest were on the show last week. This is a great song, and it's not a big surprise that it was ranked this high.

And now...here it is...the top song...

1. “Smooth,” Santana/Rob Thomas (1999)
I actually like this song. It's pretty good. It works for karaoke, and you can groove to it at a dance. But is it the best pop song, not just of 1999, or of the 1990s, but of the '80s AND '90s? I don't know of anyone that would say that. Especially considering this list was made in 2003, when this song was just four years old, making it impossible for it to have had a long-term impact like a lot of other, worthier candidates. Oh well.

That's it. 500 songs. It's been a long ride. Not sure if, ultimately, it was worth making the journey, but at least we had some good mixtapes to keep us company along the way.

Hey 19

So close to the end! Only the best of the best of the best songs remain...in theory. You still have a little more time to guess the songs that you think earned the top spots on the list.

#50-26

50. “I’ll Be There For You,” Rembrandts (1995)
It hasn't been the Rembrandts' day, week, month, or year for a long, long time. Unless you count residuals from syndicated Friends reruns.
49. “Total Eclipse Of The Heart,” Bonnie Tyler (1984)
I've linked to this before, but I'll do it again: one of the best songs ever, made even better with a literal music video.
48. “Cryin’,” Aerosmith (1993)
47. “Jack & Diane,” John Mellencamp (1982)
The ultimate song about being young in the Midwest. Right, Jill? Does John Cougar come from the Midwest? And maybe Utah isn't a midwestern state, because here we eat our chili dogs, rather than sucking on them.
46. “Straight Up,” Paula Abdul (1988)
45. “Every Morning,” Sugar Ray (1999)
44. “I Love Rock N Roll,” Joan Jett & the Blackhearts (1982)
43. “Vogue,” Madonna (1990)
42. “I’ll Be There For You,” Bon Jovi (1989)
41. “Waterfalls,” TLC (1995)
40. “Faith,” George Michael (1987)
My friend Collin is a talented animator and filmmaker; he used this song in a fun birthday present to himself.
39. “Like The Way I Do,” Melissa Etheridge (1988, 1995)
38. “You’re Still The One,” Shania Twain (1998)
37. “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” Def Leppard (1987)
36. “Miss You Much,” Janet Jackson (1989)
35. “Truly Madly Deeply,” Savage Garden (1998)
The best musical tribute to Cherry Cola ever made. That I know of.
34. “Here I Go Again,” Whitesnake (1987)
One of the few metal songs to make the list, and I bet it's all because of Tawny Kitaen. This song--the finale of the opening act--is also the highlight of "Rock of Ages," which I saw not long after mildly ripping on Constantine in this space. He was definitely the standout in a pretty mediocre show.
33. “When Doves Cry,” Prince (1984)
32. “Only Wanna Be With You,” Hootie & the Blowfish (1995)
31. “My Heart Will Go On,” Celine Dion (1998)
30. “Billie Jean,” Michael Jackson (1983)
Not quite top 10, but good guess, Janelle.
29. “Losing My Religion,” R.E.M. (1991)
28. “Slide,” Goo Goo Dolls (1999)
27. “Like A Virgin,” Madonna (1984)
26. “Centerfold,” J. Geils Band (1982)
Yet another of my karaoke favorites.

Give, said the little stream

Around the same time I was hired on at my new job, I also finally received a new church calling. I didn't push to get one earlier, because I figured I would start attending a singles ward as soon as I could afford car insurance and could drive myself there. But that never happened, and I'm glad I waited.

For the first time ever, I am a Primary teacher. Another Brother and I are team-teaching the 9-year-old class, and in January they are consolidating some classes (my ward is mostly old people, with a very small Primary), and we will be in charge of the 9-, 10-, and 11-year-old boys.

Teaching positions are my favorite callings to have in the Church. It gives me purpose and focus in my gospel study, as well as a performance venue of sorts. And I love kids, so teaching Primary has been a desire of mine for a long time. I taught my class for the first time two weeks ago, and I think it went pretty well. I love the official Church curriculum; there's always more than enough material to choose from (probably my least favorite thing to hear a church teacher say is "we need to keep going, there's a lot of stuff we have to get through"). This is even more true in Primary manuals: each lesson includes at least four stories and seven or eight optional activities, in addition to your own ideas (oh, and maybe teaching a principle or two). It's great.

We were called just in time to help out with this year's sacrament meeting program, which will happen later today. It should be good, but I doubt it will compare to the one I watched my nieces in back in September. It was by far the best primary program I have ever seen.

There was so much to like. The kids were all cute, and it was fun to predict what they would be like when they hit high school ("that girl will be such a flirt;" "he's definitely a future Mathlete"). Nearly every kid sang loud, and you could tell the ones who weren't singing were just shy, not unhappy or embarrassed to be there. (That means that none of them had older siblings trying to distract them, making them think they had stuff on their face--yes, I still remember that, Adam.) It seemed like they had all practiced their parts (and my nieces Abbi and Lacey did great). There was even a group of five older boys who belted out "Army of Helaman." Very impressive.

So the primary leaders in Hyrum, Utah, are clearly doing a great job of brainwashing. That word has negative connotations and might be a tad harsh, but I think it's pretty accurate. Kids are easy to influence, you might even say to manipulate--and because that's the case, it's important that they have strong, positive influences in their lives. (Which is why it doesn't surprise me that some parents thought President Obama's speech to school children would result in brainwashing; I was just stunned that so many Utahans thought his message to work hard and do your best in school would have a negative impact.) Primary is a form of "good" brainwashing. And I'm happy to finally be a part of it.

So I'm anticipating an outstanding primary program this afternoon, after which I can get to work on what could be my lasting legacy for the entire Primary: a less clunky version of "Latter-day Prophets," which became awkward when they stuffed Pres. Hunter's name into the last verse, and two additional prophets have since been crammed in. Janice Kapp Perry ain't got nothing on me.

The postman always blogs twice

I'm going to be honest...my new job is pretty uninteresting, and I probably wouldn't have done more than mention it in passing if it weren't for my orientation. I'm pretty confident that my first six hours on the job will prove to be the most memorable.

For starters, they made all of us (the 50-ish data conversion operators that were all hired together) take a loyalty oath. Not just a pledge to keep the rules and regulations of the postal service, but we raised our right hands and vowed to uphold the Constitution. It felt kind of like joining a cult. Sean Hannity would have been proud.

After a few hours of learning various policies and procedures, taking building tours, and other typical orientation activities, we wrapped up the day with a few videos. There were two designed specifically for the position we had been hired to, made in the early '90s when the Remote Encoding Centers were created. They were delightfully cheesy, but nothing compared to the other two.

One was a sexual harassment presentation. Or, I guess more accurately, an anti-sexual harassment presentation. The scenarios displayed were so entertaining, and now I finally know what "quid pro quo" means. The video, clearly produced sometime in the '80s, even introduced the revolutionary concept that women can sexually harass men! Who'd have thunk it?

The final, and by far the best, video was called "Is It Worth It?"--a warning to all new postal employees about the consequences of stealing mail. This was automatically amusing, because we never physically handle any pieces of mail in our building. But even if I had the chance, I wouldn't do it--not after host Edward James Olmos, in all his Miami Vice glory, explained the dire consequences.

Postal employees who work in various aspects of the mail delivery process were shown stealing mail--tucking envelopes into their shirts, or stuffing them up pant legs, or wrapping packages in their coats. Their situations were described by Olmos and sounded something like this: "Joe Postman has worked as a mail sorter for six years. All of his coworkers think he's a hard worker and a good friend. He and his wife are planning a trip to Hawaii for their upcoming anniversary--or are they?!" There are people determined to stop these mail thieves, and Crockett and Tubbs ain't got nothing on them.

Thanks to EJO (who spoke in his normal voice when he was onscreen, but for some reason he slipped into Christian Bale's Batman voice when providing offscreen narration), I am now terrified of ever running into the dreaded postal inspectors--portrayed as two middle-aged, bespectacled guys wearing satin jackets in pastel colors. When they show up and confront the package pilferer, they don't say anything, they don't touch him--they just stare. And it works. The guy removes the letter from his shirt and puts his hands behind his back, and the postal inspectors take him away forever. (Actually, maybe a year or two and probably just probation. But he'll definitely be fired, and his family will be incredibly embarrassed--"or will they?")

I wish I could find it online, but so far no dice. Maybe they will make us watch it every few months as an important reminder. If not, I guess there's always Stand and Deliver, the other Edward James Olmos video that likely strikes fear into the hearts of all postal employees.

Hello, Newman

In July of 2008 I quit my job and moved to New York. Like Bobby Bonilla, Brett Favre, and the creators of the Fashion Cafe before me, I crumbled under the intense scrutiny that comes with living in the media capital of the world, and eventually ran back to the Midwest with my tail tucked between my legs. Or something like that.

I can now, with much relief, some satisfaction, and very, very little pride, announce that, for the first time in well over a year, I once again have regular employment.

Who's the lucky cutter of paychecks? None other than the Postal Service! No, I'm not the roadie for the "Such Great Heights" band. I mean the United States Postal Service, the one that just announced a loss of $3.8 billion in the last fiscal year.

But I'm actually not worried about losing my job due to downsizing or layoffs or anything. That's already happened. I am a Data Conversion Operator, which means I spend all day looking at scanned images of mailpieces that could not be read properly at the processing centers after they were picked up, and I type in the address information so they can be delivered. When these "remote encoding centers" debuted about 15 years ago, there were about 55 of them; now the one in Salt Lake is one of just two. So I feel my job is pretty safe, at least as long as I plan to have it.

Yes, this is (hopefully) not a long-term solution for me. I definitely view it as just a job, and not a career. But I'm very glad to have it, most of all because it removes the urgency from any job searching I may continue to do. The past 16 months have been so frustrating in that regard (this job was part of that frustration; I actually applied for it less than a week after returning to Utah--way back in August--but the application process was agonizingly, ridiculously long).

Here are the good parts of the job: the pay is surprisingly good; I can wear a t-shirt and jeans; we process mail from Utah and New York, so there's a chance I might be able to make creepy comments about what my friends and neighbors are sending or receiving like my old home teacher and fellow postal employee used to do; and I don't have to deal with the public in any way--I barely will even have to talk to any coworkers (and once I complete my 90-day probation period, I can even listen to my hypothetical iPod while I work).

There are also some drawbacks, which I will now spin into positives: I'm working a graveyard shift, but that means I'll have access to my parents' cars and won't need rides; and there are no benefits, but really, that just means I can spend my money on debt reduction instead of paying it into a health fund. And besides last year's gall bladder hiccup, I've probably been one of the world's healthiest non-exercisers for 15+ years. If I join the union I could get insurance that way, and I'm considering it, but right now it seems like I need hard cash more than health care.

So there it is. In many ways, after the anticipation that's been building on the blog for the past week and in my life for the past year, my new job is pretty underwhelming. But again, it's not like I had many other options, and I'm glad to have it. It will give me an opportunity to get back on my feet and on a course towards eventually doing what I really want to do--assuming I ever figure that part out.

18 and life

Thanks to my return to the workforce and my sister's wedding last week, I've hardly been online at all lately. This post is only going up first because I typed it up months ago, and only had to come back and add the intro, and make sure I didn't have any extra jokes or links to add. Those other promised posts are coming soon, though.

#75-51

75. “Love Shack,” B-52s (1989)
The first concert I ever attended was a B-52s show (also featuring The Pretenders and Royal Crown Revue, but the Love Shackers were definitely the main attraction). A notable achievement, since I can still count the number of concerts I've attended on my fingers.
74. “The Freshmen,” Verve Pipe (1997)
I heard right, surprisingly, that the freshmen felt they should be absolved of blame because "she was touching her face," but not so much when I heard their other justification--"she fell in love in the forest place."
73. “Jessie’s Girl,” Rick Springfield (1981)
I think it's safe to say that this is the top song on this list, if not ever, that uses the word "moot."
72. “Together Again,” Janet Jackson (1998)
This was my favorite song to cha-cha to in freshman social dance. I was infatuated with my teacher, who was extremely attractive, and it didn't help that she was, you know, always touching her face.
71. “Right Here Waiting,” Richard Marx (1989)
70. “What Do All The People Know,” Monroes (1982)
This is the highest ranked song on the list that I didn't recognize by its name, and I'm actually not sure if I had ever heard it before preparing this post.
69. “Because You Loved Me,” Celine Dion (1996)
68. “Tainted Love,” Soft Cell (1982)
Rihanna never looked or sounded better than in this video, which samples "Tainted Love." Then she chopped her hair off and became a superduperstar.
67. “Strong Enough,” Sheryl Crow (1995)
66. “Need You Tonight,” INXS (1987)
65. “Flashdance,” Irene Cara (1983)
64. “All Star,” Smash Mouth (1999)
63. “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing,” Aerosmith (1998)
62. “Another One Bites The Dust,” Queen (1980)
This song featured prominently (due to its supposed backmasking message urging everyone to smoke marijuana, which is decidedly less harmful than the overt lyrics about a kid who goes on a killing spree) on my favorite talk-tape of all time, "The Occult and Rock and Roll," by a man named Lynn Bryson. We listened to it all the time on my mission. I would love to have a copy, but can never find it at DI or on eBay or anything. In fact, I can barely even find a reference to it online. If anyone can help I'd be very appreciative.
61. “Kiss Me,” Sixpence None The Richer (1999)
60. “Heaven,” Bryan Adams (1985)
The techno version of this song is probably my second favorite of that entire genre. This is #1.
59. “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” Cyndi Lauper (1984)
I mentioned this a few weeks ago, but again, RIP Captain Lou Albano (Cyndi's dad in this video).
58. “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” Billey Joel (1989)
The first album I ever bought was Storm Front, and it was because I loved this song. Not as much as my 8th grade history teacher, Mr. Durfey, who based the final month of the year on the tune: he'd send us into the library with a printout of the lyrics, and we had to figure out the significance of each reference. And at least once a week, he'd play a video of Billy Joel performing it live; for some reason, we all enjoyed imitating the random hula dancer who starts running around the stage near the end of the song. My version of "Fire," using Mormon pop culture icons, is probably my most impressive parody. Some highlights include rhyming "Gerald Lund" and "Perpetual Education Fund" and replacing "Liston beats Patterson" with "Stephen E. Robinson."
57. “I’ll Be,” Edwin McCain (1998)
I knew nothing about McCain other than this song until he started popping up on those "I Love the '80s" shows on VH1, looking and sounding like he was an extra in Half Baked. It was even more jarring than when I found out Tracy Chapman was a chick.
56. “Call Me,” Blondie (1980)
55. “The Look,” Roxette (1989)
54. “The Power Of Love,” Huey Lewis & the News (1985)
As I mentioned above, I'm not much of a concertgoer, but I would love to see Huey someday. I'm sure he'll come to the state fair here sometime, and then I can see a great show while eating fried cantaloupe. Perfect.
53. “Hungry Like The Wolf,” Duran Duran (1982)
52. “All I Wanna Do,” Sheryl Crow (1994)
51. “Don’t You Want Me,” Human League (1982)
One of the best karaoke duets of all time.

Coming attractions

After nearly three relatively uneventful months, November has already been action-packed. A bunch of stuff has happened that I want to chronicle in this space, but since I'm now surprisingly busy I'm not able to do so in a timely manner. But stay tuned for tape-delayed coverage of:

• my new job
• my new church calling
• my sister's wedding
• the current dominance of sports villains, exemplified by the Yankees' recent World Series victory
• the thrilling conclusion of the pop song countdown
• the debut of my next serialized idea, which will mesh religion and reality TV
• and much much more!

November sweeps are in full swing here on Amateur Blog at the Apollo. Don't miss a second of it!

17 again

We've reached the top 100 songs! The end is in sight! Feel free to leave comments guessing songs that you think belong in the top 10.

#100-76

100. “Better Man,” Pearl Jam (1994)
99. “Look Away,” Chicago (1988)
98. “Bitch,” Meredith Brooks (1997)
Sorry about the crude language. I'll be sure to give advance warning if it happens again. (And since we haven't seen Jimmy Buffet's "Let's All Get Drunk And Screw" on the list yet, I'd say the chances are pretty good.)
97. “The Flame,” Cheap Trick (1988)
96. “Life Is A Highway,” Tom Cochrane (1992)
Why did Pixar have to use Rascal Flatts' cover of this song for Cars? Mr. Cochrane's original is at least as good, and I'm sure he wasn't busy.
95. “Superfreak,” Rick James (1981)
94. “Come To My Window,” Melissa Etheridge (1994)
93. “Kiss,” Prince (1986)
"You don't have to watch Dynasty, to have an attitude" is one of the best song lyrics of all time. And it also reminds me of a funny story I heard a few months ago that supposedly took place at a New York DMV (I heard it fourth hand, so I can't verify if it actually happened): a friend of a friend of a friend was waiting to get her license, when she heard over the intercom, "Shady Nasty, your license is ready." Nobody came up. Again, "Shady Nasty, your license is ready." No response. After the third page, a woman goes up to the counter, and angrily says, "I know you didn't just call me Shady Nasty. It's Sha-Dynasty!"
92. “With Or Without You,” U2 (1987)
91. “More Than Words,” Extreme (1991)
90. “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me),” Whitney Houston (1987)
89. “Please Forgive Me,” Bryan Adams (1993)
88. “The Way You Make Me Feel,” Michael Jackson (1988)
87. “Never Surrender,” Corey Hart (1985)
86. “Real World,” Matchbox Twenty (1998)
85. “Toy Soldiers,” Martika (1989)
Like T'Pau's "Heart and Soul" last week, this is one of my favorite, largely underrated songs of the '80s.
84. “All For You,” Sister Hazel (1997)
83. “Love Of A Lifetime,” Firehouse (1991)
82. “Walk Like An Egyptian,” Bangles (1987)
81. “Name,” Goo Goo Dolls (1995)
80. “Like A Prayer,” Madonna (1989)
79. “Melt With You,” Modern English (1983)
My former roommate Will likes to replace the term "making love" with the euphemism "painting ducks." As in, "painting ducks with you was never second best."
78. “Believe,” Cher (1999)
77. “In The Air Tonight,” Phil Collins (1981)
The legend of this song is akin to the whole "is Steve Martin a Mormon?" debate. If you're not aware of what I'm referring to, check this out. To know for sure, I guess we'll have to wait until, as my sister likes to say, we watch the video in heaven.
76. “Kiss From A Rose,” Seal (1995)
There are probably at least six songs on the Batman Forever soundtrack better than this one, including what is likely my favorite U2 song. But kudos to Seal on wooing Heidi Klum.

Drive me crazy

About an hour ago, I drove a car for the first time in over a year. It's so nice to be able to get myself places without having to rely on other people, but I was a little nervous. Many would probably say that driving a car is like riding a bike--once you learn how, you never forget. But that's not very encouraging to someone like me, who can't ride a bike. Or swim. Or whistle. Or snap my fingers. Or a bunch of other stuff 7-year-olds can do, probably...

Anyway, it went fine. No accidents, not even any near-misses. I've always been a good driver, and that seems to still be the case. Unfortunately, I also seem to have retained my poor parking skills, and my inability to back out of our driveway properly even though I've been doing it for over 13 years. It looks straight, but it's clearly not. But it's okay, because that grass would've died in a few weeks anyway. It's good to be back in the driver's seat.

16 candles

We're approaching the "best of the best." Which is good news for playlists, but bad news for potential jokes--at least in theory. Hopefully my hypothesis is wrong.

#125-101

125. “Wanna Be Startin’ Something,” Michael Jackson (1983)
You're starting this week's list--wish granted!
124. “Ordinary World,” Duran Duran (1993)
123. “Celebration,” Kool & the Gang (1980)
122. “Hands,” Jewel (1999)
121. “Start Me Up,” Rolling Stones (1981)
As successful as this song was in promoting Windows 95, it's surprising Microsoft didn't go back to the Stones when rolling out Windows Vista. "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" would've been a logical choice.
120. “Dreams,” Cranberries (1994)
119. “Is This Love,” Whitesnake (1987)
118. “Dreamlover,” Mariah Carey (1993)
117. “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me,” George Michael/Elton John (1991)
First he teamed up for a big hit with George Michael. Now he's on tour with Billy Joel. Can't you do anything without riding someone else's coattails, Mr. John? Or ducktails, for that matter?
116. “Money For Nothing,” Dire Straits (1985)
This song is the musical equivalent of holding up a sign at a sporting event where the first letter of each word on the sign spells out the network broadcasting the game. But I DO want my MTV.
115. “Hand In My Pocket,” Alanis Morissette (1995)
114. “Livin’ La Vida Loca,” Ricky Martin (1999)
113. “One Of Us,” Joan Osborne (1995)
Yet another masterpiece from the well-known songwriting genius, Dr. Evil.
112. “Armageddon It,” Def Leppard (1988)
111. “I Love You Always Forever,” Donna Lewis (1996)
I made my karaoke debut with this song, dueting with Julie Clark, a cheerleader I had a big crush on, at a tailgate party during my junior year of high school. Dan Ulrich may have also been involved, I can't remember. (I was going to write that this was the song I lost my karaoke virginity to, but that would've sounded a little weird with everything else I wrote.)
110. “Angel,” Aerosmith (1988)
109. “Heart And Soul,” T’Pau (1987)
I really like this song, so I'm pleased to see it ranked so high. It's probably the best song ever by an artist named after a Star Trek character.
108. “Maneater,” Hall & Oates (1982)
107. “Lightning Crashes,” Live (1995)
My sister's friend Ginny kept the placenta after she gave birth. Not being a parent, I can't say for sure one way or the other, but I hope that's not common. Listen to the song! Let it fall to the floor!
106. “Love Walks In,” Van Halen (1986)
105. “Papa Don’t Preach,” Madonna (1986)
104. “Dancing In The Dark,” Bruce Springsteen (1984)
Courtney Cox was discovered in this video, which led to her breakthrough roles in Family Ties, Masters of the Universe, Mr. Destiny, Ace Ventura, and now, Cougartown. And I think I might be forgetting one. Thanks, Boss.
103. “Don’t Speak,” No Doubt (1996)
102. “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic,” Police (1981)
101. “She Works Hard For The Money,” Donna Summer (1983)

Frankenweiner

Another Halloween has come and gone. I'm lucky to have a brother who buys good costumes and lets me wear them the next year. He must have had a premonition, because this was a very appropriate 'stume for me in 2009.

I think they also sell a "slutty hot dog" costume, which is the same thing, but with no bun.

Here I am holding what appears to be the action figure of whatever character I'm dressed as.

I know this is wrong, but it looked so delicious! Can you blame me?

I soon realized what I was doing, but by then it was too late. Don't worry, I gave the remains a proper burial.

My Halloween was very low-key. I put on the costume, passed out candy to some neighborhood kids, and watched Nightmare Before Christmas with my brother and sister (surprisingly, the first time I've seen it all the way through). It was fun, but this was the first time since junior high at least (not counting one of the two years of my mission) that I hadn't attended some kind of Halloween dance, and many of those years also included work parties, comedy shows, etc. Oh, well. Time to get to work on next year's costume!

Fats Domino

I've joked for years, and even written about it on my blog, that Domino's is always advertising something other than pizza.

So it's only right to give them credit for finally promoting their main product, even if it is only for a week. Their limited-time-only deal was a good one--a large one-topping pizza with extra cheese for just $5.99--and the ad campaign was even better. I can't find the video online (probably because of the promotion's short shelf-life), but the TV commercial they ran was pretty funny. They had signs in the restaurant saying that there was a limit of 256 pizzas per household per day, and customers were shown carting away dozens of pizza boxes, culminating in a woman pulling up with a tractor trailer, and the manager saying "this is NOT happening." Good stuff.

Well done, Domino's. This is the first time I remember you pushing your pizza since Donald Trump's cheeseburger pizza a few years ago, and I only remember that because of a funny SNL sketch. Now I can stop paying attention to you for another four years.

15 minutes of "fame"

Whew...I made it. This is my tenth post of the month. Strangely, this week's batch of songs is extremely mundane. No songs that I really like, none that I really dislike (except maybe "Hey Jealousy"). Nearly every artist in this section has other songs on the list, and these songs are virtually all less interesting than their other entries. Maybe I'll make up for it with another batch before the end of the week. But if not, happy Halloween!

#150-126

150. "Careless Whisper," Wham (1985)
149. "Roam," B-52s (1990)
148. "Safety Dance," Men Without Hats (1983)
One of the all-time great music videos. And very economical--it looks like they only shot about a minute of video, and then looped it over and over.
147. "Under The Bridge," Red Hot Chili Peppers (1992)
146. "And She Was," Talking Heads (1985)
145. "You Were Meant For Me," Jewel (1997)
144. "Karma Chameleon," Culture Club (1983)
143. "Don't Dream It's Over," Crowded House (1987)
142. "I'll Make Love To You," Boyz II Men (1994)
141. "Glory Days," Bruce Springsteen (1985)
140. "Take A Bow," Madonna (1994)
139. "Hey Jealousy," Gin Blossoms (1993)
138. "Let's Groove," Earth, Wind, & Fire (1981)
137. "Let Her Cry," Hootie & the Blowfish (1995)
136. "Escapade," Janet Jackson (1990)
135. "Hurts So Good," John Mellencamp (1982)
134. "How's It Going To Be," Third Eye Blind (1998)
133. "Edge Of 17," Stevie Nicks (1981)
Hmmm, a potential title for the post two weeks from now...
132. "Father Figure," George Michael (1988)
131. "Hard To Handle," Black Crowes (1991)

Circulatory system

A few weeks ago I took the bus down to BYU to listen to a forum speaker I was interested in and to have dinner with my friend Emily.

This was the first time I'd done any significant people-watching since returning to Utah (a daily if not hourly occurrence on the busy streets and subways of New York City). I had been to a baseball game a couple of weeks earlier, but I was pretty sick that night and didn't pay much attention to the crowd.

As I made my way to the Marriott Center and found a seat, I kept thinking I saw familiar faces. But I was always wrong; in six or so hours I spent on campus, I didn't see anyone I knew. I'm sure my desire to bump into old friends or teachers was a big part of my eyes misleading me, but I think there was another reason: the students at BYU in 2009 do look almost exactly the same as BYU students did in 2004.

The combination of prevailing whiteness, the desire of Utah college students to look like they come from California, and the dress and grooming guidelines present in the BYU Honor Code result in A LOT of Stepford students. Especially the guys. For white guys at BYU, there seem to be two basic stylistic templates: preppy and American Eagle catalog model. Virtually every guy's look is at best a slight adaptation of one or the other. (Adding glasses to the preppy look gives you a third subcategory, nerd.)

But after attending the forum, I learned there is another reason for this sameness. The speaker was Neil deGrasse Tyson, head of the Hayden Planetarium in New York and the most entertaining non-entertainer I know of. (Check out some of these clips to see what I mean.) As part of his presentation, he described how we drink the same molecules of water and breathe the same molecules of oxygen that Jesus and Lincoln drank and breathed (it apparently takes about 100 years for the molecules in any single glass of water to be distributed across the globe). We are in the universe, and the universe is in us--we are all made of the same stuff. Therefore, it shouldn't be surprising that we all look the same (he didn't say that last part; I jumped to that conclusion all by myself).

This thought came back to me later that same week, when I donated blood for the first time. I had always been under the impression that, due to my childhood health issues and accompanying blood transfusions, as well as my time spent in Scotland, I was ineligible to give blood. It turns out I was misled, or the Red Cross has relaxed their standards.

Allie (by far the cutest of the blood-letting tech-people working that day) asked me all about my sexual history, determined I was an acceptable donor, and strapped me down on a chair. Neither of my arms had easily accessible veins; she finally found access through a side vein, and my blood began to fill the bag. Slowly. They apparently measure blood flow on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the fastest. Mine was never higher than a 3.

I guess my blood is both shy and stingy. Or maybe it just really wants to stay in my body. It makes sense--the water and oxygen that help make up my blood have been travelling around the world and through the vessels of billions of people over millions of years, and it knows that it's never going to have it as good as it does while pumping through my body.

I told you my mom was awesome

Tuesday was my half-birthday. As per our family tradition, my mom made me an enormous cookie. She has done this for each of her six kids on their half-birthday for many years, although the name spelled in chocolate chips is a relatively recent tweak (proof that altering long-standing customs doesn't always make them worse).

Here's a wider shot, for some perspective (and to show that a pleasant side effect to this giant cookie pill is leftover dough, which can be used to make more cookies). In possibly related news, every Hofmann male has a weight problem.

Thanks Mom!

P.S. There are only 180-something shopping days left until my birthday!

Fort Een

I know that some (if not most) of my blog's readers find these lists boring and a waste of time. But I'm going to keep doing them, for a number of reasons:

1) It helps me stay in a mode of consistently posting on here.

2) The printout of the list I have is falling apart, and this is one way to preserve it forever.

3) On my blog, I write about stuff that I like, stuff that interests me. Most of my stuff has some kind of general appeal, but not all of it, I suppose.

4) If you'd actually read these posts, I think you'd see that there's at least one funny or witty joke and one weird or funny link in each one.

5) I don't want to stop now, and end up like Michael Corbin in If Looks Could Kill (he never followed through!).

6) As I've just been demonstrating, I'm a big fan of lists.

On to installment 14 of 20!


#175-151


175. "Wild Night," John Mellencamp (1994)
174. "Head To Toe," Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam (1987)
173. "Free Falling," Tom Petty (1990)
It's Tom's birthday today!
172. "All That She Wants," Ace of Base (1993)
I remember hearing my sister sing this song before I had ever heard it on the radio. I assumed she had misheard the lyrics. Nope--it's really "all that she wants is another baby." It's Octomom's theme song.
171. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," Poison (1988)
While at BYU, I went to many women's basketball games, especially when All-American Erin Thorn was on the team. One of the other starters was Chanell Rose, and me and my fan crew (which included blog reader Angela) planned from early in the season to sing this song loudly if the two ever combined for a basket. Our chance finally came in a game against Wyoming. Thorn assisted on a Rose field goal, and we all started singing. All of us spontaneously changed "cowboy" to "cowgirl" (that's the nickname for women's teams at Wyoming) when we got to the sad, sad song part of the chorus. It was awesome. After we finished high-fiving each other, we went back to heckling Cowgirl forward Kristy Bacon, whom we called "Crispy."
170. "Girl You Know It's True," Milli Vanilli (1989)
169. "Push," Matchbox Twenty (1996)
168. "When I Think Of You," Janet Jackson (1986)
167. "The Heart Of The Matter," Don Henley (1990)
166. "Venus," Bananarama (1986)
I'm very surprised that this song was ranked higher than "Cruel Summer."
165. "Separate Ways," Journey (1983)
I know I've linked to this music video at least once before, probably multiple times. But I'm doing it again, because it's so great. Almost as good is this shot-for-shot remake by some BYU-Idaho students. Which shows that typing up lists of songs every week isn't the biggest music-related time waster I could be involved in.
164. "Stay," Lisa Loeb (1994)
Do you think Lisa Loeb gets angry whenever she sees Tina Fey on TV? Loeb was the cute, quirky girl with classes long before Fey made it cool. In high school, Tina Fey probably dressed as Lisa Loeb for Halloween!
163. "I've Been Thinking About You," Londonbeat (1991)
162. "What I Like About You," Romantics (1980)
Our second straight week with a song that is better than a sitcom it shares a title with. Although Jennie Garth and Amanda Bynes are much more pleasant to look at than Wally Palmar and Mike Skill.
161. "I Will Remember You," Sarah McLachlan (1999)
160. "Mambo #5," Lou Bega (1999)
A little bit of Angela, Pamela, Sandra, Rita, Monica, Erica, Tina, Mary and Jessica...all in the same song!
159. "Hands To Heaven," Breathe (1988)
One of the only entries of the entire 500 where I didn't recognize the song title or the artist. But after finding the video, it's definitely one that I know.
158. "You Keep Me Hangin' On," Kim Wilde (1987)
157. "Fly Away," Lenny Kravitz (1999)
156. "Listen To Your Heart," Roxette (1989)
155. "You Give Love A Bad Name," Bon Jovi (1986)
154. "It's All Coming Back To Me Now," Celine Dion (1996)
153. "A Little Respect," Erasure (1989)
152. "I'd Do Anything For Love," Meat Loaf (1993)
Dr. Pepper made a great commercial using this song. But this is a better commercial using Meat Loaf.
151. "Wild Wild West," Escape Club (1988)
When the first single from U2's new album was released earlier this year, parts of it reminded me of this Escape Club song. Which I guess is a compliment, but a very mild one.

Over the top rope

After my last post, and the recent passing of Captain Lou Albano, the WWE is fresh on my brain. Pro wrestling is no stranger to hyperbole--just look for Hulk Hogan promos on YouTube for some great examples--but it usually is limited to the on-camera performers. Last week I saw this recap of a match from the most recent pay-per-view event and felt I had to share it. I often strive to be cheesy and over the top on my blog, but I now have a new standard to reach for. I salute you, Craig Tello.

(I know that most of you won't bother to click the link, so here's the text of the article. Go ahead, read a few paragraphs. You'll thank me later.)

"At Hell in a Cell, The Viper reclaimed the WWE Championship and slithered toward his sixth World Title reign, doling defeat to his rival in John Cena's first-ever bout inside Satan's Structure.

"Since permitting the words "I quit" to seep from his split tongue at WWE Breaking Point, The Viper fittingly molted any skin carrying remnant traces of defeat, just in time for Hell in a Cell.

"Callous, unscrupulous, wicked. Proving that the cold of his blood pales in comparison to the noxiousness of his venom, the serpentine aggressor Orton exceeded his personal limits of malevolence in the Prudential Center.

"After Cena endured the challenger's favored weapon--the RKO--the frustrated Viper tightly constricted his ring rope-wrapped opponent's neck within his coils. With Cena deprived of oxygen circulation, Orton's (legend) killer instincts seized control. He zeroed in on his titleholding target and charged forward with his skull-rattling punt to put away The Champ.

"Worse for wear after equally arduous weeks (and beyond), both individuals entered Hell, though they'd have sworn they'd already driven one another to this fiery destination. Cena, dogged and immune to the Cell-experienced Legend Killer's intimidation tactics, pledged to display a side of himself more vicious than ever once locked within the 20-foot-high steel entrapment. He even vowed to not just defeat, but also destroy his foe.

"But Orton had once before competed in the Satanic construct and danced with its keeper, The Undertaker. Less than one month after surrendering the title to the 12 Rounds star--despite a match spent torturing the resilient, unyielding Cena--The Legacy leader leveraged his familiarity with the Hell in a Cell Match to once again swathe his scaled waist with championship gold.

"After years in which their disparate paths have intersected, never have Orton and Cena so fervently fought as in the recent months, culminating inside the five-ton steel aberration. While the two warriors now stand at five wins a piece in all-time pay-per-view encounters, it is The Viper who once again clutches the prized WWE Championship. But how long will Orton's tenure at the top last before Cena seeks a tie-breaker?"

(In case you were wondering, Randy Orton is not actually a serpent.)

I want my MTV

Just before I left on my mission, I reupped my WWF Magazine subscription for two years. When each issue arrived, my mom dutifully set them aside for me, all the while hoping I would have "grown out" of my interest in pro wrestling by the time I came home.

This didn't happen. Less than a month after my return from Scotland, I had plowed through them all, 24 issues, cover to cover. I don't like the now-WWE as much as I did or for the same reasons I did when I started following it more than 20 years ago, but my fandom has never been a "phase." I was able to cope with the temporary separation, but it did nothing to eliminate the cravings.

I've been dealing with a similar situation since moving back in with my parents. I am an admitted TV addict, and my childhood home has no cable. In New York, I had no TV whatsoever, but I had a good Internet connection, which enabled me to watch almost every show I wanted to online. But as I've chronicled in this space before, my parents still use dial-up (dial-up!) Internet. No chance of loading any shows on Hulu or anything like that.

To be fair, being back in a place with consistent over-the-air television has several advantages over my New York situation: bigger screens, full episodes of So You Think You Can Dance and Saturday Night Live, syndicated reruns of Simpsons, Seinfeld, etc., and, with fewer options, I've had a chance to get back into shows like Survivor that I haven't made time to watch for a while (this has given me what I feel is a pretty funny idea for my blog; I'm trying to figure out how to make it work in written rather than video form, but stay tuned).

But the lack of cable service has forced me to miss out on many of my favorite programs: nearly all of the sports and wrestling programming I like to watch, The Soup, music videos on VH1, and perhaps most of all, the Daily Show/Colbert Report 1-2 punch. I had seen every single episode of Colbert since it debuted about four years ago, but have now gone over two months without seeing Stephen wag his finger or better know a district.

Just like with my wrestling magazines, the removal of these shows from my life has not caused any waning interest. My cravings for sports and satire are as strong as ever. I can certainly live a normal and happy life without them (I'm not quite that pathetic), but I really, really wish I had access to cable and/or good Internet. And that's The Word.

13 going on 20

It's the 13th installment of the countdown, but surprisingly there's no "Superstition," or "Walking On Broken Glass," or "Black Cat," or anything like that. Not surprisingly, this section of the list also has nothing from my old boss Marie Osmond, who turns 50 today. Hopefully her family only puts one big candle on her cake instead of one for each year; we don't need a repeat of this.

#200-176

200. "Heaven," Warrant (1989)
199. "Closing Time," Semisonic (1998)
This reminds me of any school or church dance from my senior year of high school/freshman year of college.
198. "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," Pat Benatar (1980)
197. "Fly," Sugar Ray (1997)
So does this.
196. "Too Shy," Kajagoogoo (1984)
195. "Missing You," John Waite (1984)
194. "One Headlight," Wallflowers (1997)
193. "You Spin Me Round," Dead or Alive (1985)
192. "I Remember You," Skid Row (1990)
191. "Have I Told You Lately," Rod Stewart (1993)
190. "Looking For A New Love," Jody Watley (1987)
And she's been looking for a new career for the last 20 years. Buh-dum-ching!
189. "I Knew I Loved You," Savage Garden (1999)
Wow, it's like whoever put this part of the list together stole the mix tape I made for that girl I liked in Stover Hall.
188. "Addicted To Love," Robert Palmer (1986)
In case you haven't seen the iconic video, check it out, and then you'll know what all those other videos are parodying.
187. "Raspberry Beret," Prince (1985)
186. "West End Girls," Pet Shop Boys (1986)
185. "If It Makes You Happy," Sheryl Crow (1996)
184. "I Want Your Sex," George Michael (1987)
George is a master of subtlety, isn't he?
183. "Jumper," Third Eye Blind (1998)
I SO feel like I'm back at a MHS Stomp right now!
182. "Eternal Flame," Bangles (1989)
181. "Rock The Casbah," Clash (1982)
180. "Mmm Bop," Hanson (1997)
Which fact is most surprising: that the Hanson brothers play their own instruments, that they all seem to have turned out pretty normal despite being so successful at such a young age, or that this song--which seemed so cheesy and lame when it first came out--is actually really good?
179. "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," U2 (1987)
178. "All Around The World," Lisa Stansfield (1990)
177. "Barely Breathing," Duncan Sheik (1997)
176. "Mad About You," Belinda Carlisle (1986)
This song is much better than the TV show of the same name. And Belinda was eliminated far too early from Dancing With The Stars. Maybe she should've tried fainting.

I don't know where "Mo Money, Mo Problems," "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It," or Tubthumping are, but otherwise they nailed most of the big hits from the dance floors of '97-'98 and '98-'99. That's it for now. You don't have to read other blogs, but you can't...stay...here...

The 12th Day of List-Mas

I got a ton of comments on my last post, so doing this may be risking the renewed interest in my blog, but.....

It’s baaacckkkk!!!!

After two months as the interim #1 song, Sheriff’s "When I’m With You" resumes its rightful place at #226, as I bring you the 12th installment of New York City’s 95.5 WPLJ’s countdown of the top 500 songs of the ‘80s and ‘90s, circa Memorial Day weekend 2003 (with my commentary in italics).

#225-201

225. "Little Red Corvette," Prince (1982)
224. "What Would You Say," Dave Matthews Band (1995)
DMB likes to cancel shows in Utah, but it's far from the worst case of them dumping on their fans.
223. "What Have You Done For Me Lately," Janet Jackson (1986)
My blog's theme for the last two months, hopefully now a thing of the past.
222. "One More Try," George Michael (1988)
Not to be confused with the Timmy T song of the same name.
221. "Unskinny Bop," Poison (1990)
And that's all I can say.
220. "Can’t Fight This Feeling," REO Speedwagon (1985)
I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a big fan of the Speedwagon. Although me saying that would make my old roommate Will spin in his grave, if he weren't still alive.
219. "I’m Too Sexy," Right Said Fred (1992)
218. "True," Spandau Ballet (1983)
I can't believe somebody sampled that lousy PM Dawn song.
217. "Legs," ZZ Top (1984)
If I ever made a list of the most overrated bands of all time, ZZ Top would be near the top of my list. Not a big fan. By the way, has anybody ever made the joke that they would be called "Zed-Zed Top" in Canada? Or that the only member of the band without a long beard is named Frank Beard? What's that? Everyone has made those observations? Let's move on...
216. "Ray Of Light," Madonna (1998)
215. "Unbelievable," EMF (1991)
I wonder if Andrew Dice Clay gets royalties whenever this song gets played at sporting events.
214. "Vision Of Love," Mariah Carey (1990)
213. "(I’m Gonna Be) 500 Miles," The Proclaimers (1993)
Hopefully, finally, mercifully surpassed by Franz Ferdinand as the best Scottish rock band ever.
212. "Cruel Summer," Bananarama (1984)
211. "High On You," Survivor (1985)
Betcha didn't know Survivor had any songs that weren't used in Rocky movies.
210. "A View To A Kill," Duran Duran (1985)
209. "I Don’t Want To Wait," Paula Cole (1997)
Freshman year, in the dorms...on Wednesday night visiting hours, us guys always had to go over to Stover Hall, because all of the girls in our ward were watching "Dawson's Creek." We could stay in the room if we promised to only talk during commercials. And Dawson and Pacey thought THEY had problems.
208. "Rock Steady," Whispers (1987)
A big comeback hit for The Whispers; maybe my Apollo nemesis Bobby should've sang this one instead.
207. "How Do I Live," Leeann Rimes
206. "To Be With You," Mr. Big (1992)
205. "Pride (In The Name Of Love)," U2 (1984)
204. "King Of Wishful Thinking," Go West (1990)
203. "I’m The Only One," Melissa Etheridge (1994)
202. "Love Bites," Def Leppard (1988)
I had a party to break in my karaoke machine when I bought it a few years ago, and probably my favorite moment was Brad Reynolds making every girl in attendance uncomfortable when he belted this song out. Not as good as when David and I cleared the room at someone else's karaoke party with our version of "Talk Dirty To Me," but still pretty great.
201. "I Touch Myself," Divinyls (1991)

Yikes. I had forgotten how bad music was from 1991-1994. Wish I could’ve kept the memory of some of these songs repressed. Anyway, I promise not to leave a non-Cyndi Lauper self-gratification song as the leader in the clubhouse for longer than a week.

Cookie Sheet

National Cookie Month began yesterday. Since I eat so many cookies all year long, I don't plan to do any extra cookie-related celebrating in October (except for on the 20th, my half-birthday, when I anticipate a pizza-pan-sized chocolate chip cookie from my mom--that's our tradition; and, I suppose, this blog post). I even missed out on free cookie day at Mrs. Fields yesterday, which is about twice the monetary value as free cookie day would've been back when I worked there in 1996 (since then, brownie prices at Mrs. Fields are virtually unchanged, but cookies cost less than a buck when I was in high school).

I really, really love cookies. Like pizza, even the worst cookies are generally still very edible. Nilla Wafers, fortune cookies, the really cheap store brand, Teddy Grahams, Nutter Butters, the burnt leftovers from a homemade batch...these might not be my top choices, but if that's what's available I'll gladly eat them. But I definitely have my favorites, which I will break down by source. I'm sure some good ones will be omitted, either through forgetfulness or my ignorance; please enlighten me in the comments.

HOMEMADE

I've tried many delicious cookies made from home recipes, but none will ever top my mom's chocolate chip. They come out perfect every time, and the dough is also phenomenal. My mother is a wizard in the kitchen, but she specializes in baked goods. Her manhole covers, chocolate crinkles, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin, or even the butter brickle batch she baked this morning are all tremendous, but the classic chocolate chip will always hold the top spot.

FUNDRAISER

Although it's kind of pricey, that frozen dough elementary school kids sell usually makes pretty good cookies. But this category exists mainly as a tribute to Girl Scout Cookies. The Thin Mints are fine, but what I really want is about nine boxes of Samoas, and three or four Tagalongs. You go, Girls!

RESTAURANT/BAKERY
Cookies from a bakery are usually high quality (at least if they were made that day), even if they're semi-mass produced. I really like the cookies from Albertson's bakery, for example. Pinnacle, the deli/a la carte place I frequented while working at Columbia, had excellent cookies.

ESPNZone makes an amazing cookie dessert (right, Larissa?) that's more filling than most entrees. I'm surprised I can't think of more restaurant cookie concoctions right now; I'm sure there are some I'm forgetting.

A return visit to Smart Cookie in Provo is long overdue. You can't do better for the money than buying a J-Dawg, then walking next door to SC and buying delicious cookies for a quarter each. Or, even better, getting an ice cream cookie sandwich.

And, of course, there's Mrs. Fields. My first job was not quite as great as I thought it might be (leftovers at the end of the day are given to charity, not employees), but it was still pretty sweet. Or semisweet. Or white chocolate macadamia. Or cinnamon sugar. Or my very favorite, chewy fudge. Mmmm....chewy fudge...

I still remember being the most popular guy at Fashion Place Mall when I'd wander out with the sample tray. Of course, when there was only one piece left on the tray, I had to eat it, because I would feel bad if two people walked by and I didn't have enough for everyone.

STORE-BOUGHT

Of course your fancy brands like Milanos and Soft Batch are great, but I usually go with what's on sale. My preferred cheaper cookie is Chunky Chips Ahoy!, followed by the chocolate lovers variety (in cookies, the more chocolate, the better) of Keebler's Chips Deluxe. The more convenient packaging isn't the only thing that gives Nabisco the nod over Keebler, but it's definitely a factor. A new soft baked chunky Chips Ahoy! came out a few years ago and quickly became my favorite, but for some reason the recipe changed within a few months and it's not as good now.

With as many cookies as I eat, though, it shouldn't come as a surprise that I'll often switch things up, buying a different variety of those brands, or Oreos, or Mother's circus animals, or the bite-size Otis Spunkmeyer, or whatever.

CEREAL

Last but not least...what better way to start your day than with a bowl full of cookies? Keebler recently unveiled a new entry, and it's delicious. Or at least I think it is, but apparently not many agree: it seems to have already disappeared from supermarket shelves.

After all these years, Cookie Crisp is still a solid breakfast option. The new double chocolate variety, however, is not as good, which I guess is the exception that proves my more-is-better chocolate rule. Well, that, and the time I poured chocolate milk on Cocoa Puffs.

That's all I can think of right now for types of cookies I eat, but while we're on the subject of Cookie Crisp, there's one more cookie category that needs to be discussed: mascots. All of the best cookie mascots of my childhood are gone or altered.

The Cookie Cop and the Cookie Crook were great spokesmen for Cookie Crisp. Later, they added Chip the Dog as the Crook's henchman, and that was fine. But then someone decided to eliminate the Cop and Crook, keeping only the dog. And now they have a different dog, one that's much more wolf-like. What gives?

And don't get me started on the ultimate cookie character, Cookie Monster. He used to be my role model, with a diet consisting entirely of cookies. But now they've got him promoting healthy eating and saying cookies are only a "sometimes" food.

Back in my day, the only time they even hinted about Cookie Monster eating a healthy diet was suggesting that cookies grow on trees.

There, I'm off my soapbox. I haven't needed it much since I grew tall enough to reach the cookie jar on my own. I think I'll go get one now.

Blogtober

I'm back. I'm going to start writing on here again. Like, at least ten times this month. But I'm going to count this one, just in case.

Alive and picking

No, I didn't move into a Unabomber-style shack in the woods when I left New York, but as far as blog access is concerned, it's pretty close--my parents still use dial-up Internet. When I'm at home, it takes me about an hour just to check my two e-mail accounts and my friends' Facebook updates. The local library has free wireless, so I go there a few times a week for a few hours, but feel guilty if I do much besides look and apply for jobs. So my pop song countdown will either stay on its temporary hiatus for now, or it may return with no links. Haven't decided yet.

In other news, today is the one year anniversary of my unexpected gall bladder surgery. And I've never felt better! Actually, that's not true; for about six weeks I've had what appears to be chicken pox on my legs. I'm hoping they're just bug bites that have been made worse by my incessant picking. It would stink if I had shingles. David Letterman has been pretty unfunny since he contracted a pretty severe case a few years back.

So my blog is officially back. If the main topic of conversation after a month away is open sores, though, we'll see if it turns out to be a good thing.

This one goes to 11

Do you like how I put this post up right after the last two, so I wouldn't have the depressing stuff at the top of my blog? Me too.

By the way, I've been neglectful in responding to comments for the last month or so. I plan to rectify that soon. On to the 11th installment of the '80s and '90s countdown.

#250-226

250. "Express Yourself," Madonna (1989)
Getting this week's Madonna entry out of the way early, I guess.
249. "These Dreams," Heart (1986)
One of many great '80s Heart power ballads that are fun to karaoke to, and much less fun to hear overly ambitious "American Idol" contestants take a crack at.
248. "Dude Looks Like A Lady," Aerosmith (1987)
Perhaps this song was the inspiration for David Duchovny's brilliant cameo in "Twin Peaks."
247. "I Love Your Smile," Shanice (1992)
246. "Why Can't This Be Love," Van Halen (1986)
245. "I Swear," All 4 One (1994)
My youngest sister used to walk around the house singing "I don't swear" when this song was getting a lot of radio play.
244. "New Sensation," INXS (1988)
243. "Just Another Day," Jon Secada (1992)
242. "Brilliant Disguise," Bruce Springsteen (1987)
241. "Mysterious Ways," U2 (1991)
240. "You Learn," Alanis Morissette (1996)
239. "Sweet Child O' Mine," Guns N' Roses (1988)
238. "Can't Help Falling In Love," UB40 (1993)
237. "I Can't Make You Love Me," Bonnie Raitt (1991)
236. "My Prerogative," Bobby Brown (1988)
235. "Spiderwebs," No Doubt (1996)
I don't screen my phone calls. You never know...maybe it's someone calling to tell me I've won a contest! I don't want to miss that call.
234. "December '63 ('94 Mix)," Four Seasons (1994)
233. "Black Velvet," Alannah Myles (1990)
232. "The Promise," When In Rome (1988)
Already a great song, immortalized as the soundtrack of the signature tetherball scene in cinematic history.
231. "Can You Feel The Love Tonight," Elton John (1994)
230. "Holiday," Madonna (1983)
I guess we didn't finish with Madonna early this week. Personally, I would flip the order of her two entries in this segment.
229. "Hysteria," Def Leppard (1988)
228. "Would I Lie To You," Charles & Eddie (1992)
227. "Time," Hootie & the Blowfish (1995)
Perhaps Hootie's best song.
226. "When I'm With You," Sheriff (1989)
Talk about synergy...I remember my sister Julie telling me years ago that she would definitely play this song at her wedding (even though I thought she said it was a Cher song at first--oops)...and she got engaged over the weekend! Congrats, Julie!

What do I do? What do I do?

The majestic creature you see is Hoffmann's two-toed sloth. I used to love seeing this thing at Hogle Zoo when I was a kid. I thought it was the perfect animal embodiment of the Hofmann family, or at least me and my brothers. For one thing, as the linked article points out, "the vast majority of their time awake is spent feeding." And in general, us Hofmann boys have some pretty lazy habits and tendencies (though my older brother seems to have overcome his and is now a responsible husband and father).

I'm feeling that sense of slothfulness pretty keenly right now. In my last post I addressed a question I've heard often over the past few months--"How are you surviving without a job?" Now it's time to address that query's corollary: "What do you do with your time?" This question is even more unpleasant, but I feel like I ought to address it, to give an accounting of sorts for my economic and employment failures over the last year.

As I stated in my last post, when I moved out here last August I had some leeway, and I was in no hurry to look for work. I was having too much fun. A few weeks later, I had my gall bladder removed and was hospitalized for a week. Right after that was when the stock market and the economy in general began crumbling, and suddenly I had a lot more competition for the available jobs.

I would be lying if I said I worked hard every day to find a job. There were days when I did nothing. Once or twice I went an entire week without making any real effort to find work. Worst of all was January; I barely did any job-hunting that entire month. I don't even know what I would answer for the "What do you do with your time?" question for those weeks. I just know that I was in a really bad funk.

When I was looking, I know there were some ways in which my search was inefficient. For starters, I had no clear goal other than "get a job;" that makes it hard to know what to look for or where to look. I sometimes applied for jobs without submitting cover letters, either because I wanted to increase the quantity of applications or just because I was tired of writing them. I waited way too long before signing on with a temp agency, and even then I only joined one. My search rarely went beyond "look online for job openings and apply for them online." On the rare occasion when I received interviews, I often did a poor job selling myself.

All that being said, I did try very hard to find a job. I tried to get back into broadcasting, applying for jobs at NBC, HBO, MTV Networks, and more. I applied for dozens of jobs at Columbia. I interviewed for positions as varied as a statistical analyst for Jet Blue, Teach For America, manager of a moving and storage company, a concierge in a fancy apartment building, and was even a finalist to be Dick Cavett's executive assistant. I applied for tons of jobs I found on Craigslist, mostly administrative positions, and only some of them turned out to be scams.

In short, I applied anywhere and everywhere I could think of, and many places I didn't think of. No matter how much effort I made on my own, most of my near-misses came through efforts of friends. Probably around 90% of my interviews in the past year were the result of networking. I thank Aja, Amy, Becca, Brook, Dan, Erik, Erin, Garrett, Holly, Jessica, Jordan, Katarina, Kim, Marc, Marcus, Marcella, Marissa, Matt, Mike, Mike, Nathan, Seth, Tamara, and likely many more that I've forgotten who have referred me to open positions, helped me get interviews, provided sources of income, served as coaches or references, and/or have offered specific and helpful advice and support in the past year.

But even with all that help...no success. The most disappointing example happened just a few weeks ago. I had reached a second interview with a company but ultimately was turned down. However, the day after I had been rejected, they called me to see if I would be interested in a temporary position for the next three weeks. I gladly accepted, knowing it would give me another month in the city and more time to find something permanent. While the woman was giving me the information, she stopped abruptly and asked if she could call me back. Less than five minutes later, she called and told me that there was no job available. Easy come, easy go, I guess. Except it definitely wasn't easy come.

An extended period of unemployment is pretty demoralizing. It can be downright soul-crushing. You waver from day to day, wondering if you'd rather not try and feel guilty, or keep applying for more and more jobs and feel worthless as employer after employer rejects or ignores you. I reached the point where I tried to avoid meeting new people, because I knew one of the first four questions I was asked would be "What do you do?"

Even when I've been employed, even when I've had jobs that I really enjoyed, I have disliked the idea of my occupation being one of the top things that defines me. I definitely understand why people ask about it. If you're an adult, you probably work, and it probably takes up more of your time than any other single thing. And even if your job doesn't make you happy and excited, it likely at least says a little about your background, your personality, or what your talents are. But it still bothers me...especially when I have to answer "nothing" or "I look for jobs" or "whatever I want because I'm unemployed." I encourage everyone to try deviating from the standard "Where are you from? What do you do?" template when introduced to new people. It will be more fun and relaxing for everyone.

Sometimes people would ask me about other things. A few people would ask if I had written anything or performed any stand-up lately, mistakenly thinking I came to New York hoping to break into the comedy business. That has never been my goal, although I would've loved to pursue it as a hobby--taking improv classes, doing some open-mic nights, or something along those lines. But whenever I would start thinking about hobbies, I would feel guilty that I wasn't being responsible and looking for work, figuring I could pursue hobbies more easily and effectively after I got a job. And so I ended up watching TV in my "free" time instead.

Trying to find something to do to help me feel useful, I did more church service than ever before. I volunteered at a weekly tutoring program, and I worked a temple shift every Friday. I was very diligent in my church calling and home teaching assignments, and made myself available for missionary splits, helping people move, and pretty much anything else that was going on. All of these things helped give me a sense of satisfaction, and I feel I did a lot of good, but the sad truth is I probably could've done most if not all of these things even if I had a full time job.

So now I'm returning to Utah with my tail between my legs, at the same time wondering if I've been humbled enough. I had a lot of flexibility when I returned to Utah from NYC in May 2008; this time I have none. I hate the job searching process, and I wonder how I'll even go about it now, with no car and my parents' dial-up Internet access. Even if you don't like your job, I hope you're grateful that you have it. And I hope you learn from my mistakes, and do all you can to have other employment lined up before quitting any job. Believe me, the life of a sloth isn't as glamorous as it looks.