Take heed, 'cause I'm a lyrical poet

I'm a big fan of parody in general, of song parodies in particular. I've written dozens of my own over the years; the earliest one I can remember was a collaboration with Leslie Allard and others during my junior year of high school (we changed the words to "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" for a class project on Walden).

My parodies usually have a two-part genesis: an initial idea ("I could change "Under the Sea" to "In the Brittany" and make it about my rundown apartment complex") and an upcoming venue to perform it in, like a ward talent show. After that, they kind of take on a life of their own as I write them, like when I turned Alice Cooper's "Feed My Frankenstein" into "Be My Valentine." I expected a sweet, romantic song, but ended up with something that would get me a restraining order if I sang it to a girl.

Last December at our ward's Christmas auction, my friend Corina purchased my item: a personalized song parody. After a few months, the only input I could get from her was that it should be a medley of Beatles songs. I struggled to get started on the project; I thought being able to use whatever parts I wanted from a large song library would be liberating, but it proved to be the opposite. Working within the constraints of a single song is much easier.

So for months I did nothing. But I knew that Corina was moving to London (she actually left over the weekend) and I needed to get it done, so I finally cranked it out over the last few weeks, and performed it at Corina's going-away party last Friday.

The good: it was my first ever epic parody (I used parts of over 30 songs); the story the song told was pretty good; and most of all, turning "Helter Skelter" into a love song. The bad: it was 12 minutes long--not a lot of filler, but 12 minutes is just too much; my corny use of "Yellow Submarine;" and my performance (a bad combination of fighting a cold, not having much room to move around, and unfamiliarity with the lyrics (I only completed the final draft the day before)). I think Corina was pleased and people were generally impressed, but I won't be doing many medleys in the future.

This blog is basically a venue for me to show off, so that's what I'm going to do. While packing to move to New York, I found the lyrics to perhaps my best parody ever (it's main competition is probably my Mormon pop culture version of "We Didn't Start the Fire"). I have a folder with hard copies of most of my songs, and many of them are saved on my computer as well. This song, though, I thought was lost forever. But now I'm displaying it here, in part to preserve a record of it, but more so to, like I said, show off. I don't think I've ever done as good a job at preserving a song's original mid- and end-line rhymes, and that's why I think this might be my best work. Feel free to play the video and sing along to my version of "Complicated" (I don't deliberately make my blog exclusively Mormon, but I don't know of any non-Mormons who read it. If anyone has any questions about some of the terms used in the lyrics, let me know).

Uh huh, life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is
'Cause life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is

I've been on bad dates before
But I keep coming back for more
Hoping one date will end up with me
On bended knee

Even wishing on a star
Hasn't helped me out so far
It doesn't matter what I have done
I've found no one

Everyone yells get married or else
I think that I'll crack, if they don't relax
At church and at school, it all seems so cruel to me
Tell me

Why do I strike out with every girl I ever dated
When all I've ever wanted is to get myself celestial mated
Life's like this you
When I call 'cause I've fallen in love
And I take you out but you don't really like me
Honestly the process we go through has really left me jaded
No no no

[Here is my favorite part. By the way, this song is only semi-autobiographical. While I'm not a particularly successful dater, I'm not bitter about it.]

I come over to your house
You wish I was someone else
But you want to eat dinner for free
So you agree

I even bought you a rose
But you don't care and it shows
We know we aren't fooling anyone
This date's no fun

I just want to yell: Why can't girls tell
Us no when we ask, if we have no chance
Oh is there a jewel in the dating pool for me?
Tell me

Why do I strike out with every girl I ever dated
When all I've ever wanted is to get myself celestial mated
Life's like this you
When I call 'cause I've fallen in love
And I take you out but you don't really like me
I used to like to go on dates but now I really hate it
No no no

So it's Friday night once more
And I'm walking out the door
Off to take a girl out to see
A movie

Can't help myself, I'll try someone else
I'll stay on the attack, I'll take one more crack
I'll try someone new 'til I find the one who'll love me
Tell me

Why do I strike out with every girl I ever dated
When all I've ever wanted is to get myself celestial mated
Life's like this you
When I call 'cause I've fallen in love
And I take you out but you don't really like me
Honestly the process we go through is just so overrated

Why do I strike out with every girl I ever dated
When all I've ever wanted is to get myself celestial mated
Life's like this you
When I call 'cause I've fallen in love
And I take you out but you don't really like me
I used to like to go on dates but now I really hate it
No no no

Thanks for letting me show off. By the way, the patriarch of parody, Weird Al, has a less culturally-specific version of this song that's worth checking out. Alas, it does not feature Donny Osmond.