Hey little sister, what have you done?

My sister Julie got married last month. I hope she doesn't construe my waiting for six weeks to blog about it as an indication of my feelings about her and the importance of her big day. She is now Julie Chavez, the wife of Jaben Chavez. My new brother-in-law is a good guy. Our moms served together on the stake primary presidency long before Julie and Jaben met (as coworkers at the University of Phoenix). They dated for several years before they got married, and I'm glad he's now officially part of our family.

It was a day I'm sure Julie and Jaben will never forget, but it was memorable for me too. Some of the things that stick out in my mind:

--I won $100 in a radio contest, which allowed me to have one of the four boxes I left in New York shipped to me. My suit was in it, and after getting it dry-cleaned, it felt like the material was about 40% lighter than I remembered. I know that it's the same suit, but it doesn't feel like the same suit. Kind of weird.

--Wedding planning is very complex, at least for the bride and her family (i.e., my mom). I wouldn't describe Julie's wedding and associated events (reception, showers, etc.) as excessive or overly elaborated, but she was busy non-stop for two months getting ready for it. But (at least from my perspective) everything turned out well, so it was worth it.

--I was asked to be the usher for the wedding. Not AN usher, THE usher. Or, as I liked to say, just plain Usher. My idea of wearing jeans, a white blazer, and a baseball cap with a script "A" on it was unfortunately shut down. These are my confessions: I was a terrible usher. By the time I showed up a bunch of people were already there, coming in and out of the chapel. I didn't know who was an employee of the reception hall and who was a member of the groom's family. Someone asked me where the bathroom was and I didn't know. I stationed myself at the only main entrance to the chapel, but there was an opening in the back where the chapel and reception area connect, and most people walked through that. I didn't really do anything positive in my usher role, but fortunately it didn't have any negative impact on the ceremony.

--The ceremony, performed by the bishop of my ward, was cheerful, tender and classy, so obviously someone like me would have nothing extra to say about it.

--My sister has a lot of friends! There were way more people at the reception than I figured there would be. And they hooked the new couple up with lots and lots of presents. Almost makes me want to get married too.

--Speaking of which...there are six kids in my family. My brother Adam is the 2nd; he got married five years ago. Julie is 4th oldest. The rest of us are single. Perhaps sensing that us odd-numbered kids are, well, odd, it was the youngest, my sister Chelsea, who had the most people ask her when she was getting married. I think she ended up with the bouquet too, so things are looking up for her. My brother Derek and I were as clumsy in going for the garter as we are in our attempts at dating.

--The food at the reception was tremendous. Five or six kinds of cheesecake, mini eclairs, brownies, and more...and since I have an in with the bride, we got to take home a lot of the leftovers.

--My brother recorded the ceremony, but turned the camcorder over to me for the reception. It was so much fun. I hadn't used a video camera in about three years, probably. I miss looking for and framing good shots, capturing funny moments on tape, and creating my own funny moments with my commentary. Maybe I'll get a camera for Christmas. I forgot to put it on my list, but Santa knows what we need before we even ask him. Wait, I might be thinking of someone else.

--Last but not least...there's the photographer, Margo. Even before the wedding, my sister had told me that the photog was cute and that I should ask her out. At the wedding and reception, I heard the same thing, independently, from my brother, my aunt, and a few other people. It was kind of weird. She was very attractive (still is, I suppose)--she's even a redhead, which is often a major plus for me--and she's clearly talented (these pictures were taken by her), but I didn't do it, for several reasons: 1) She was busy, and I didn't want to distract her from her job. 2) I've never been the kind of guy to approach women I don't know and ask them out. Probably one of the reasons I'm still highly unmarried, because it can be hard to date your friends. 3) The fact that so many people urged me to do it resulted in natural resistance on my part. 4) Finally, the lukewarm-at-best reaction I got on the two attempts I made to interact with her made me reluctant to try anything further.

Most of the staged picture taking took place in the hour or so between the end of the ceremony and beginning of the reception. Several young nieces and nephews were part of the wedding party, and at one point Margo called out, "ok, I need all of the cute kids up here for this picture." I dutifully walked to the stage, but rather than laugh at my joke she said that she had asked for the cute kids. Later on, I was interviewing people for the reception video. I walked over to the couch where she was talking with my Aunt Anna, and asked if they had anything to say to the bride and groom. She said no thanks and walked away. So that was that.

My aunt had actually had a lengthy conversation with her, and while trying to get me to ask her out later on told me what she had learned about her, including the fact that she also worked for JetBlue as a reservations agent--a job I had applied for a few weeks earlier. Since the reception, I have attended an information session/interview with JetBlue, where Margo and I saw each other again and again did not speak to each other. I've been offered the job, and I accepted, with a training class starting late February.

So there's an off-off-off-off-off chance that this part of the story isn't over, but the most important aspect of this new job is that, after training, I would get to work from home. This will require a high-speed Internet connection, so I have a few weeks to convince my parents to let me do it (at which time I would probably switch to part-time at the post office). If this happens, it will be huge for me, meaning, among other things, much more regular blogging. So keep your fingers crossed. Until I can find someone who suits me as well as my sister and her husband suit each other, the The Internet is the closest thing I have to a significant other, and this separation has been painful.

Congratulations, Julie and Jaben! Thanks for providing content for my blog. You two are great, and you're great together.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Let me tell you about a dream I recently had.

I don't remember my dreams very often. When I do remember something, it's usually just the gist of it, then when I'm in that pleasant state between being asleep and awake, I semi-consciously enhance and embellish the narrative. So this dream is probably not completely authentic, but it's not totally made up either. It certainly is an accurate representation of my feelings towards certain letters to the editor and commentaries from TV pundits that you see this time of year. Anyway...

In my dream I was working in retail (so I guess it was actually a nightmare). It was probably ShopKo, since I was wearing a red shirt, I worked there when I was in high school, and I only had one customer in my line even though I was the only cashier working. (Seriously, I don't know how the chain as a whole is faring, but I will be shocked if the store by our house isn't closed within two years. It's a ghost town in there.)

Technically, I had two customers, a husband and wife who appeared to be in their late 40s or early 50s. They paid for their stuff, I gave them their change, and wished them "happy holidays." The man then said, "Oh, so you're one of those people who is afraid to say 'Merry Christmas,' huh?" It must have been the end of a long shift, or my shoes were a few sizes too small like the Grinch's, or maybe I'm just a jerk, but I went off on an epic rant. The following retelling probably isn't verbatim, but it's close:

"You're offended that I said happy holidays instead of merry Christmas? Seriously? Why would you care which generic salutation you receive from someone you don't even know? Besides, what is bad about saying happy holidays? Christmas is a holiday, right? When I say happy holidays, doesn't it imply that I wish you a merry Christmas, plus a bonus wish for a happy New Year? Does that mean you'd be even more offended if I said something with no celebratory implications at all, like 'Have a good night' or 'Thanks for shopping with us'? That's what I usually say to people. Just because I chose to say one thing, it doesn't preclude me from meaning something else that I didn't say. And, to be honest, I DON'T really mean it when I say these things. I don't want you to have a bad Christmas, but whether it's merry or not really has no impact on me. So you would rather have me insincerely wish you a merry Christmas, in a sense taking the Lord's name in vain? You want me to break one of the Ten Commandments, just to make you feel good?! Well, fine! HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!"

Happy holidays, everyone!

The final countdown

Nothing like finishing up a long series of posts with a little momentum, huh? I'm pretty well adjusted to my work schedule now, but I now am sleeping at the time I used to go to the library to use the Internet. To make matters worse, I've typed several full or partial blog posts on Word, but for some reason they aren't pasting into Blogger. So I have a lot of stuff I want to put up here, but I'm not sure when it will happen.

As for my last post...I can't believe I failed to use the presence of "My Heart Will Go On" to make a comparison between Titanic and the Twilight movies, and how I'm one of the few who has never seen either. Even more unforgivable, though, I got two Savage Garden songs mixed up. I'm so ashamed.

But enough about that, though. Back to the matter at hand. We've finally reached the end. The final installment of our pop song countdown. For those of you just joining us, I've been reprinting, with my added commentary, a countdown of the top 500 songs of the '80s and '90s, as played by New York City radio station WPLJ over Memorial Day weekend in 2003.

Much thanks to PLJ for providing about 1/3 of my blog content over the last six months, and to anyone who actually read every post. Let's find out which songs got the top spots.

#25-1

25. “Save The Best For Last,” Vanessa Williams (1992)
Pretty serendipitous placement for this rather forgettable song.
24. “Jump,” Van Halen (1984)
23. “The Sign,” Ace Of Base (1994)
I may have already written about this in a previous installment, but it's surprising how much I dislike Ace of Base in light of how much I like their fellow Swedes ABBA and Roxette. Was there a big Swedish pop act this decade? I'd hate to see the streak end.
22. “Summer Of ’69,” Bryan Adams (1985)
In case you were wondering...Mr. Adams was 9 years old in the summer of 1969. What a prodigy!
21. “Nothing Compares 2 U,” Sinead O’Connor (1990)
20. “Eye Of The Tiger,” Survivor (1982)
19. “Ironic,” Alanis Morissette (1996)
18. “Against All Odds,” Phil Collins (1984)
17. “Semi Charmed Life,” Third Eye Blind (1997)
16. “One Sweet Day,” Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men (1995)
15. “3 AM,” Matchbox Twenty (1998)
14. “Every Breath You Take,” Police (1983)
13. “Torn,” Natalie Imbruglia (1998)
12. “Open Arms,” Journey (1982)
11. “Two Princes,” Spin Doctors (1993)
This might be my least favorite song on the list. If it was #311, I would've thought it was too high. Man, '90s pop music was disappointing.
10. “I Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston (1992)
9. “Beat It,” Michael Jackson (1983)
8. “In Your Eyes,” Peter Gabriel (1986, 1989)
Ah, the theme song from my junior prom. Last Sunday, I had a visitor in my Primary class--the 9-year-old daughter of my prom date, whose parents are in my ward. She has a 9-year-old! And has been married for 11 years! She must have wanted to make sure I didn't ask her out again. By the way, I enjoyed SNL's updated take on the most famous movie scene involving this song (near the end of this episode, they don't have a separate clip of the sketch).
7. “Crazy For You,” Madonna (1985)
It's good to see most of the seminal acts of the era (Madge, MJ, Mariah, Whitney, the guys from Genesis) represented at the top of the list, but I'm not sure if they chose the right song for any of them.
6. “Iris,” Goo Goo Dolls (1998)
Seriously? #6? If not for Spin Doctors, this might be the most overrated song of the list. If they ever struggle to stay relevant, they could change their name to the Google Dolls. Then, for once, I would agree with someone saying a band has "sold out."
5. “Everything I Do (I Do For You),” Bryan Adams (1991)
Really? Two songs in the top 25? I guess you were right all along, Joey. Bryan Adams is awesome. This is also the highest ranked song that they made us sing at 6th grade graduation ("That's What Friends Are For" and "From A Distance" were the others).
4. “Let’s Go Crazy,” Prince (1984)
I'm kind of surprised that Prince got the respect he deserves on this list. When they play this song with the full "Dearly beloved..." intro on the radio, it's a rare treat.
3. “You Oughta Know,” Alanis Morissette (1995)
Two top 20 songs for Alanis too. If she did a duet with Bryan Adams, it might have been the biggest song ever!
2. “Livin’ On A Prayer,” Bon Jovi (1987)
Speaking of SNL, I can't believe they didn't go with the easy, obvious, and guaranteed laughs of a Bon Jovi-Jon Bovi showdown when Jon, Richie and the rest were on the show last week. This is a great song, and it's not a big surprise that it was ranked this high.

And now...here it is...the top song...

1. “Smooth,” Santana/Rob Thomas (1999)
I actually like this song. It's pretty good. It works for karaoke, and you can groove to it at a dance. But is it the best pop song, not just of 1999, or of the 1990s, but of the '80s AND '90s? I don't know of anyone that would say that. Especially considering this list was made in 2003, when this song was just four years old, making it impossible for it to have had a long-term impact like a lot of other, worthier candidates. Oh well.

That's it. 500 songs. It's been a long ride. Not sure if, ultimately, it was worth making the journey, but at least we had some good mixtapes to keep us company along the way.

Hey 19

So close to the end! Only the best of the best of the best songs remain...in theory. You still have a little more time to guess the songs that you think earned the top spots on the list.

#50-26

50. “I’ll Be There For You,” Rembrandts (1995)
It hasn't been the Rembrandts' day, week, month, or year for a long, long time. Unless you count residuals from syndicated Friends reruns.
49. “Total Eclipse Of The Heart,” Bonnie Tyler (1984)
I've linked to this before, but I'll do it again: one of the best songs ever, made even better with a literal music video.
48. “Cryin’,” Aerosmith (1993)
47. “Jack & Diane,” John Mellencamp (1982)
The ultimate song about being young in the Midwest. Right, Jill? Does John Cougar come from the Midwest? And maybe Utah isn't a midwestern state, because here we eat our chili dogs, rather than sucking on them.
46. “Straight Up,” Paula Abdul (1988)
45. “Every Morning,” Sugar Ray (1999)
44. “I Love Rock N Roll,” Joan Jett & the Blackhearts (1982)
43. “Vogue,” Madonna (1990)
42. “I’ll Be There For You,” Bon Jovi (1989)
41. “Waterfalls,” TLC (1995)
40. “Faith,” George Michael (1987)
My friend Collin is a talented animator and filmmaker; he used this song in a fun birthday present to himself.
39. “Like The Way I Do,” Melissa Etheridge (1988, 1995)
38. “You’re Still The One,” Shania Twain (1998)
37. “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” Def Leppard (1987)
36. “Miss You Much,” Janet Jackson (1989)
35. “Truly Madly Deeply,” Savage Garden (1998)
The best musical tribute to Cherry Cola ever made. That I know of.
34. “Here I Go Again,” Whitesnake (1987)
One of the few metal songs to make the list, and I bet it's all because of Tawny Kitaen. This song--the finale of the opening act--is also the highlight of "Rock of Ages," which I saw not long after mildly ripping on Constantine in this space. He was definitely the standout in a pretty mediocre show.
33. “When Doves Cry,” Prince (1984)
32. “Only Wanna Be With You,” Hootie & the Blowfish (1995)
31. “My Heart Will Go On,” Celine Dion (1998)
30. “Billie Jean,” Michael Jackson (1983)
Not quite top 10, but good guess, Janelle.
29. “Losing My Religion,” R.E.M. (1991)
28. “Slide,” Goo Goo Dolls (1999)
27. “Like A Virgin,” Madonna (1984)
26. “Centerfold,” J. Geils Band (1982)
Yet another of my karaoke favorites.

Give, said the little stream

Around the same time I was hired on at my new job, I also finally received a new church calling. I didn't push to get one earlier, because I figured I would start attending a singles ward as soon as I could afford car insurance and could drive myself there. But that never happened, and I'm glad I waited.

For the first time ever, I am a Primary teacher. Another Brother and I are team-teaching the 9-year-old class, and in January they are consolidating some classes (my ward is mostly old people, with a very small Primary), and we will be in charge of the 9-, 10-, and 11-year-old boys.

Teaching positions are my favorite callings to have in the Church. It gives me purpose and focus in my gospel study, as well as a performance venue of sorts. And I love kids, so teaching Primary has been a desire of mine for a long time. I taught my class for the first time two weeks ago, and I think it went pretty well. I love the official Church curriculum; there's always more than enough material to choose from (probably my least favorite thing to hear a church teacher say is "we need to keep going, there's a lot of stuff we have to get through"). This is even more true in Primary manuals: each lesson includes at least four stories and seven or eight optional activities, in addition to your own ideas (oh, and maybe teaching a principle or two). It's great.

We were called just in time to help out with this year's sacrament meeting program, which will happen later today. It should be good, but I doubt it will compare to the one I watched my nieces in back in September. It was by far the best primary program I have ever seen.

There was so much to like. The kids were all cute, and it was fun to predict what they would be like when they hit high school ("that girl will be such a flirt;" "he's definitely a future Mathlete"). Nearly every kid sang loud, and you could tell the ones who weren't singing were just shy, not unhappy or embarrassed to be there. (That means that none of them had older siblings trying to distract them, making them think they had stuff on their face--yes, I still remember that, Adam.) It seemed like they had all practiced their parts (and my nieces Abbi and Lacey did great). There was even a group of five older boys who belted out "Army of Helaman." Very impressive.

So the primary leaders in Hyrum, Utah, are clearly doing a great job of brainwashing. That word has negative connotations and might be a tad harsh, but I think it's pretty accurate. Kids are easy to influence, you might even say to manipulate--and because that's the case, it's important that they have strong, positive influences in their lives. (Which is why it doesn't surprise me that some parents thought President Obama's speech to school children would result in brainwashing; I was just stunned that so many Utahans thought his message to work hard and do your best in school would have a negative impact.) Primary is a form of "good" brainwashing. And I'm happy to finally be a part of it.

So I'm anticipating an outstanding primary program this afternoon, after which I can get to work on what could be my lasting legacy for the entire Primary: a less clunky version of "Latter-day Prophets," which became awkward when they stuffed Pres. Hunter's name into the last verse, and two additional prophets have since been crammed in. Janice Kapp Perry ain't got nothing on me.

The postman always blogs twice

I'm going to be honest...my new job is pretty uninteresting, and I probably wouldn't have done more than mention it in passing if it weren't for my orientation. I'm pretty confident that my first six hours on the job will prove to be the most memorable.

For starters, they made all of us (the 50-ish data conversion operators that were all hired together) take a loyalty oath. Not just a pledge to keep the rules and regulations of the postal service, but we raised our right hands and vowed to uphold the Constitution. It felt kind of like joining a cult. Sean Hannity would have been proud.

After a few hours of learning various policies and procedures, taking building tours, and other typical orientation activities, we wrapped up the day with a few videos. There were two designed specifically for the position we had been hired to, made in the early '90s when the Remote Encoding Centers were created. They were delightfully cheesy, but nothing compared to the other two.

One was a sexual harassment presentation. Or, I guess more accurately, an anti-sexual harassment presentation. The scenarios displayed were so entertaining, and now I finally know what "quid pro quo" means. The video, clearly produced sometime in the '80s, even introduced the revolutionary concept that women can sexually harass men! Who'd have thunk it?

The final, and by far the best, video was called "Is It Worth It?"--a warning to all new postal employees about the consequences of stealing mail. This was automatically amusing, because we never physically handle any pieces of mail in our building. But even if I had the chance, I wouldn't do it--not after host Edward James Olmos, in all his Miami Vice glory, explained the dire consequences.

Postal employees who work in various aspects of the mail delivery process were shown stealing mail--tucking envelopes into their shirts, or stuffing them up pant legs, or wrapping packages in their coats. Their situations were described by Olmos and sounded something like this: "Joe Postman has worked as a mail sorter for six years. All of his coworkers think he's a hard worker and a good friend. He and his wife are planning a trip to Hawaii for their upcoming anniversary--or are they?!" There are people determined to stop these mail thieves, and Crockett and Tubbs ain't got nothing on them.

Thanks to EJO (who spoke in his normal voice when he was onscreen, but for some reason he slipped into Christian Bale's Batman voice when providing offscreen narration), I am now terrified of ever running into the dreaded postal inspectors--portrayed as two middle-aged, bespectacled guys wearing satin jackets in pastel colors. When they show up and confront the package pilferer, they don't say anything, they don't touch him--they just stare. And it works. The guy removes the letter from his shirt and puts his hands behind his back, and the postal inspectors take him away forever. (Actually, maybe a year or two and probably just probation. But he'll definitely be fired, and his family will be incredibly embarrassed--"or will they?")

I wish I could find it online, but so far no dice. Maybe they will make us watch it every few months as an important reminder. If not, I guess there's always Stand and Deliver, the other Edward James Olmos video that likely strikes fear into the hearts of all postal employees.

Hello, Newman

In July of 2008 I quit my job and moved to New York. Like Bobby Bonilla, Brett Favre, and the creators of the Fashion Cafe before me, I crumbled under the intense scrutiny that comes with living in the media capital of the world, and eventually ran back to the Midwest with my tail tucked between my legs. Or something like that.

I can now, with much relief, some satisfaction, and very, very little pride, announce that, for the first time in well over a year, I once again have regular employment.

Who's the lucky cutter of paychecks? None other than the Postal Service! No, I'm not the roadie for the "Such Great Heights" band. I mean the United States Postal Service, the one that just announced a loss of $3.8 billion in the last fiscal year.

But I'm actually not worried about losing my job due to downsizing or layoffs or anything. That's already happened. I am a Data Conversion Operator, which means I spend all day looking at scanned images of mailpieces that could not be read properly at the processing centers after they were picked up, and I type in the address information so they can be delivered. When these "remote encoding centers" debuted about 15 years ago, there were about 55 of them; now the one in Salt Lake is one of just two. So I feel my job is pretty safe, at least as long as I plan to have it.

Yes, this is (hopefully) not a long-term solution for me. I definitely view it as just a job, and not a career. But I'm very glad to have it, most of all because it removes the urgency from any job searching I may continue to do. The past 16 months have been so frustrating in that regard (this job was part of that frustration; I actually applied for it less than a week after returning to Utah--way back in August--but the application process was agonizingly, ridiculously long).

Here are the good parts of the job: the pay is surprisingly good; I can wear a t-shirt and jeans; we process mail from Utah and New York, so there's a chance I might be able to make creepy comments about what my friends and neighbors are sending or receiving like my old home teacher and fellow postal employee used to do; and I don't have to deal with the public in any way--I barely will even have to talk to any coworkers (and once I complete my 90-day probation period, I can even listen to my hypothetical iPod while I work).

There are also some drawbacks, which I will now spin into positives: I'm working a graveyard shift, but that means I'll have access to my parents' cars and won't need rides; and there are no benefits, but really, that just means I can spend my money on debt reduction instead of paying it into a health fund. And besides last year's gall bladder hiccup, I've probably been one of the world's healthiest non-exercisers for 15+ years. If I join the union I could get insurance that way, and I'm considering it, but right now it seems like I need hard cash more than health care.

So there it is. In many ways, after the anticipation that's been building on the blog for the past week and in my life for the past year, my new job is pretty underwhelming. But again, it's not like I had many other options, and I'm glad to have it. It will give me an opportunity to get back on my feet and on a course towards eventually doing what I really want to do--assuming I ever figure that part out.