The postman always blogs twice

I'm going to be honest...my new job is pretty uninteresting, and I probably wouldn't have done more than mention it in passing if it weren't for my orientation. I'm pretty confident that my first six hours on the job will prove to be the most memorable.

For starters, they made all of us (the 50-ish data conversion operators that were all hired together) take a loyalty oath. Not just a pledge to keep the rules and regulations of the postal service, but we raised our right hands and vowed to uphold the Constitution. It felt kind of like joining a cult. Sean Hannity would have been proud.

After a few hours of learning various policies and procedures, taking building tours, and other typical orientation activities, we wrapped up the day with a few videos. There were two designed specifically for the position we had been hired to, made in the early '90s when the Remote Encoding Centers were created. They were delightfully cheesy, but nothing compared to the other two.

One was a sexual harassment presentation. Or, I guess more accurately, an anti-sexual harassment presentation. The scenarios displayed were so entertaining, and now I finally know what "quid pro quo" means. The video, clearly produced sometime in the '80s, even introduced the revolutionary concept that women can sexually harass men! Who'd have thunk it?

The final, and by far the best, video was called "Is It Worth It?"--a warning to all new postal employees about the consequences of stealing mail. This was automatically amusing, because we never physically handle any pieces of mail in our building. But even if I had the chance, I wouldn't do it--not after host Edward James Olmos, in all his Miami Vice glory, explained the dire consequences.

Postal employees who work in various aspects of the mail delivery process were shown stealing mail--tucking envelopes into their shirts, or stuffing them up pant legs, or wrapping packages in their coats. Their situations were described by Olmos and sounded something like this: "Joe Postman has worked as a mail sorter for six years. All of his coworkers think he's a hard worker and a good friend. He and his wife are planning a trip to Hawaii for their upcoming anniversary--or are they?!" There are people determined to stop these mail thieves, and Crockett and Tubbs ain't got nothing on them.

Thanks to EJO (who spoke in his normal voice when he was onscreen, but for some reason he slipped into Christian Bale's Batman voice when providing offscreen narration), I am now terrified of ever running into the dreaded postal inspectors--portrayed as two middle-aged, bespectacled guys wearing satin jackets in pastel colors. When they show up and confront the package pilferer, they don't say anything, they don't touch him--they just stare. And it works. The guy removes the letter from his shirt and puts his hands behind his back, and the postal inspectors take him away forever. (Actually, maybe a year or two and probably just probation. But he'll definitely be fired, and his family will be incredibly embarrassed--"or will they?")

I wish I could find it online, but so far no dice. Maybe they will make us watch it every few months as an important reminder. If not, I guess there's always Stand and Deliver, the other Edward James Olmos video that likely strikes fear into the hearts of all postal employees.