Faster, higher, tape-delayed

When they hold the Olympics in China, 30 minutes after they're over you're hungry for more, right? Now that all of the competitions are over, all the analysis complete, and Home Depot is once again fully staffed, I'm here to satisfy your post-Olympics craving (actually, it just took a while for the Chinese government to finish vetting this post). Here now, in no particular order, are some of my gold-medal observations from the 2008 Summer Games.

• Ok, this probably is the most important one, but after this they're in no particular order: I really wish I had cable. I need to talk my roommate Ryan into agreeing to get it hooked up. I was able to watch a few nights' coverage at friends' houses, and I saw a lot of basketball on my laptop, but I missed a lot of the stuff I wanted to see, racewalking in particular. The summer of 2004 was probably my best summer ever, for a number of reasons (I should write about it sometime), but one of the highlights was staying up until 3 AM to watch live racewalking from Athens, followed by an episode of CHiPs. That event is really fun to watch, but it didn't get any mainstream coverage, meaning you need Bravo or CNBC or Telemundo 2 or something to see it. I need cable. I'm going to miss it even more this Saturday, when college football season begins.
• I don't think Bob Costas is a robot anymore, because he's starting to look different. His new face looks like an old lady I know, but I can't remember which one.
• Michael Phelps is amazing. To steal a line from my favorite wrestling announcer, Jerry Lawler, he has muscles in places where most people don't even have places. I'm excited to see how he does as the host of the upcoming season premiere of Saturday Night Live. A friend suggested that, for Halloween, I wear a speedo and eight gold medals, and go as "Michael Phelps letting himself go," and I think that's a great idea. But Phelps is also a jerk--pretty much every woman in America has fallen in love with him. He's like a real-life Edward Cullen, setting an impossibly high standard for the rest of us mere mortals. He made winning gold medals and setting world records look so easy, the ladies aren't as likely to be impressed that we found a shortcut to the airport or can do that trick with our thumbs.
• I'm surprised the US doesn't have a handball team, let alone professional leagues and a TV deal. It's fun to watch, goes relatively quickly, the rules and scoring seem very easy to understand, and we could probably dominate it since we have such a large pool of good athletes in this country. Plus, it would give us more opportunities to see the German coach's amazing mustache. (If you didn't see any team handball, it's basically like lacrosse without sticks, or hockey without sticks and ice...hmmm, maybe its lack of popularity isn't so surprising after all...)
• A note for the guys: just because Nastia Liukin towers over Shawn Johnson, it doesn't mean she's a normal-sized woman.
• Am I unpatriotic if I wish the women's beach volleyball team would lose once in a while?
• It was cool to see former BYU great Ryan Millar win a gold medal with the men's volleyball team.
• What did Carlos Boozer do to Mike Krzyzewski ("You're Coach Krzyzewski?" "Yes I am")? Playing for his former college coach, Booz rarely got in until the last three or four minutes of Team USA's games, even though they were usually up by more than 20 for the entire 4th quarter. Weird.
• Why do we have to call it "modern pentathlon?" Since they no longer use peach baskets, shouldn't it be "modern basketball" then? Or can we call it "same old shotput?"
• I have no problem with the weird "sports" being included in the Olympics (racewalking, trampoline, rhythmic gymnastics, etc.), but I want to know where NBC finds commentators for those events. What do these people do for the next 47 months?
• If I were Usain Bolt, I would've celebrated too. I would've had fun. In fact, if I won an Olympic medal, I'd probably wear it everywhere. I'm glad that some of these athletes, most of whom have had one-track minds for many, many years in order to reach the pinnacle of their sport, actually managed to develop personalities along the way.
• And oh, yes, the scandals and controversies. I'll leave the issues with larger scope, such as whether the games should have been awarded to China in the first place, to more educated and serious-minded bloggers. But as for the major Olympic scandals...I don't really see what the big deal was. It doesn't bother me that some of the fireworks we saw were computer-generated, or that the little girl wasn't actually singing. That was a show (and a really good one), not an athletic competition. And the gymnastics stuff--obviously, every team should have to follow the rules, but to me it seems that China using underage gymnasts should have, if anything, been an advantage to the Americans. Our gymnasts were still very young and obviously very flexible, and whatever age difference they had should've given them increased maturity, competition experience, and ability to cope with the pressure involved. It's not like most of our gymnasts didn't start training just as young as the Chinese gymnasts did.

That's all I can think of for now. Meal's over, I guess it's time for the fortune cookie. It says, "2010 Winter Games in Vancouver will be much less interesting"...in bed.