You better watch out

Last Thursday my friend Holly and her roommates hosted a fantastic party in honor of National Cookie Day, at which they distributed Macy's Santa Claus "Believe" buttons. I've been wearing mine ever since.

A public defense of the existence of Santa is nothing new to me. The earliest incident I can recall where someone told me he wasn't real was in the 1st grade. At recess, a few of us were sitting behind the dumpster (why weren't we playing?), and Cody Wardell tried to burst my bubble. My argument on Santa's behalf: "your parents always wrap your presents, but the presents Santa leaves are always unwrapped" (amazingly, another member of the discussion--I think it was Tyler McHenry--agreed with that flimsy defense).

Several years later, as a member of the Deseret News Teen Editorial Board, I made a much more public and slightly more sophisticated show of support for jolly old St. Nicolas. You can read it via the link, but I'm pasting it in below because I wish to make a few comments (in italics).

"World needs lots of year-round Santas

By Jeff Hofman [My last name is often misspelled, but rarely in this manner. I'm pretty sure they never ran a correction either. Bah, humbug.]

I believe in Santa Claus.

I am old enough and experienced enough in the ways of the world [I was 17] to know that he doesn't really exist, but that doesn't mean that I will ever stop believing in him. More than just an actual being, I believe in the idea. Perhaps it could be called the Santa "Clause.'' [That sentence, as far as I can remember, is the only content change made by the Deseret News editors. I hated it then and I still don't like it. It's not necessarily bad, it's just that I never would have written it. Curse you, Jay Evensen!] Think about it. In today's world of selfishness and greed, it's nice to think that somewhere out there is someone whose sole purpose is to bring happiness into the lives of others. In a world where laziness and racism are the order of the day, it would be great if someone worked diligently year-round to provide gifts for everyone, regardless of the color of their skin [but not necessarily their religion, a thought which apparently never occurred to me back then].

There are many other serious problems in this world that we deal with on a daily basis, but during the holiday season people tend to forget about their problems and display a more caring attitude to those with whom they come in contact. More than at any other time of year, people recognize the needs of others and do what they can to see that those needs are met.

It seems everyone has a portion of the Christmas spirit, the spirit of Santa Claus, inside of them. It is rekindled every November and December.

However, it may be good for Santa Claus that he doesn't really exist. Although in general people are kinder and gentler during the Christmas season, it is not true of everyone. There would be some who couldn't accept Santa or what he does.

He realistically wouldn't be able to make all of his deliveries before the children woke up on Christmas morning; [I originally had a dash here instead of a semicolon, because what follows are the reasons he would fall short of his delivery goals. The way it is now makes it seem like I doubted his abilities to travel around the world in a single night, but nothing could be farther from the truth] would be arrested for breaking and entering or operating a sleigh without a license; would be arrested for driving under the influence by police officers seeing his rosy red cheeks and smelling the eggnog on his breath; or maybe he would be arrested for cruelty to animals.

The elves in his workshop would probably violate child labor laws, and others would accuse Santa of stalking them - after all, he sees you when you're sleeping. [Some of the jokes comparing Santa's lifestyle to regular people in the preceding two paragraphs are borrowed (by which I mean stolen) from an editorial written by my brother Adam for the Murray High School paper a few years earlier. I don't remember which ones are his, but probably more than half, although I'm confident at least one of them is mine. Yes, I have a journalism degree.]

It may sound ridiculous, but it is unfortunately true: A living, breathing Santa Claus would never be allowed to practice his trade in today's society. The ACLU would never allow it.

Because of that, it is up to us to do the jolly elf's work. Like Santa, we shouldn't just concentrate our effort on one day, one week, one month, but work all year to make the world a better place.

Santa would never take a day off, and we shouldn't either. If we kept the spirit of Santa Claus within us 365 days a year, what a difference it would make. When we do it, then not just one but many "Santas'' in fact exist, hundreds and thousands of them. Those Santas - you and I and others - wouldn't need to worry about using the chimney, because we would be warmly invited in through the front door." [One of the main reasons I avoid writing about serious topics is that I have a hard time wrapping them up well, perhaps because I've failed to get my point across. I'm not particularly happy with this ending.]

So now, 11 years later, I am once again on record: I believe in Santa Claus. And Santa, I've been really good this year. So hook me up. You know what I want.