One of the things I do to make some money while I continue to search for a real job is selling recycled cell phones. (Yes, I'm still drastically underemployed. Turns out my original strategy--hanging around the giant keyboard at FAO Schwartz and hoping to endear myself to a wealthy benefactor--was not a sound one.)
A lot of people lose their phones, or break them, or have them stolen, so there's a need for this service. I've even had a repeat customer. I delivered a phone to a woman who works at Forbes Magazine at their fancy Fifth Avenue office. Less than a week later, she called me again because her new phone had already been stolen. Which sucks for her, but is good for business.
It took her a while to come down and meet me in the lobby the second time, and when she finally emerged she apologized for keeping me waiting. To make it up to me, she brought me something.
"Matches from the yacht," she said.
Since the box of fire sticks said "Highlander" on it, I'm assuming when she said "the yacht" she meant this one. I had always thought there can only be one Highlander, but I guess I was wrong. Sadly, it looks like the 16 pounds of caviar (scroll down on that fun facts page) won't be consumed this season.
It turns out the rich really know how to live--these are by far the best matches I've ever used. They light on the first strike, every time. I highly recommend getting some, if you can. And since the yacht has been docked for the year, they should have some extras lying around. Make sure you check the right place; I figure they use burning $100 bills to light their cigars, but they keep matches around for the same reasons as us poor people.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Hot diggedy dog
One of my biggest life goals will soon be realized. Last week I received an e-mail confirming my spot in a qualifier for the big July 4 hot dog-eating contest on Coney Island. That's right, I'm officially a competitive eater in training.
I'm older than 18, which meant I was qualified for the qualifier. I didn't have to send in a picture, or a video of me chowing down, or a medical history or anything. I just had to get my entry in on time.
When I first became exposed to the pro eating circuit and learned that all the top competitors have nicknames ("Deep Dish," "The Black Widow," "Cookie," "Eater X," etc.), I quickly settled on "The Love Handle" as my masticating moniker. But last night, a friend gave me some camel chocolate she got from a chocolatier in Dubai (turns out it's made from camel's milk; I had originally hoped that scientists had discovered that camels' humps are made of chocolate. Either way, it's good). I now can envision myself as a dessert-oriented eating superhero known as "The Chocolateer" (like this guy, but hopefully less lame). Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments.
I've always been a guy who eats a lot, but I'm not experienced at timed gorging. Hot dogs are the most well-known eating "discipline," but not one I would anticipate excelling in. So, that means I need to practice. I decided to start small, and see how quickly I could eat four hot dogs and buns for lunch today.
I tried a few different tactics to see which will work best for me. The first dog I ate straight up, with a drink of water to wash each bite down. On the second, I ate the dog separately and dunked the bun in water. For the last two I alternated between regular bites and dunking.
And it took me seven minutes.
Pretty disappointing. Feeling full or queasy or whatever wasn't the problem; I just have really bad technique. I'm a slow chewer, I'm constantly worried about choking, and I worry that eating too many soggy buns will activate my gag reflex (though doing it a little today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be). It also didn't help that I didn't wait for the dogs to cool down enough before I started.
So I guess, if I want to compete with these guys, I need to keep practicing. If nothing else, eating all these assorted hog parts might build up an immunity to the swine flu (though I may still be visiting the hospital to get my stomach pumped).
I'm older than 18, which meant I was qualified for the qualifier. I didn't have to send in a picture, or a video of me chowing down, or a medical history or anything. I just had to get my entry in on time.
When I first became exposed to the pro eating circuit and learned that all the top competitors have nicknames ("Deep Dish," "The Black Widow," "Cookie," "Eater X," etc.), I quickly settled on "The Love Handle" as my masticating moniker. But last night, a friend gave me some camel chocolate she got from a chocolatier in Dubai (turns out it's made from camel's milk; I had originally hoped that scientists had discovered that camels' humps are made of chocolate. Either way, it's good). I now can envision myself as a dessert-oriented eating superhero known as "The Chocolateer" (like this guy, but hopefully less lame). Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments.
I've always been a guy who eats a lot, but I'm not experienced at timed gorging. Hot dogs are the most well-known eating "discipline," but not one I would anticipate excelling in. So, that means I need to practice. I decided to start small, and see how quickly I could eat four hot dogs and buns for lunch today.
I tried a few different tactics to see which will work best for me. The first dog I ate straight up, with a drink of water to wash each bite down. On the second, I ate the dog separately and dunked the bun in water. For the last two I alternated between regular bites and dunking.
And it took me seven minutes.
Pretty disappointing. Feeling full or queasy or whatever wasn't the problem; I just have really bad technique. I'm a slow chewer, I'm constantly worried about choking, and I worry that eating too many soggy buns will activate my gag reflex (though doing it a little today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be). It also didn't help that I didn't wait for the dogs to cool down enough before I started.
So I guess, if I want to compete with these guys, I need to keep practicing. If nothing else, eating all these assorted hog parts might build up an immunity to the swine flu (though I may still be visiting the hospital to get my stomach pumped).
Sunday, April 26, 2009
"Cool shirt, Chachi!"
This was the compliment paid to me by none other than Constantine Maroulis, as he posed for a picture with my friend Larissa.
Yes, that Constantine Maroulis. The long-haired rocker from the Carrie Underwood season of American Idol that wasn't Bo Bice. The one whose eyes became constant fodder for Joel McHale. He's currently performing on Broadway in Rock of Ages, and Riss had just seen the show and wanted his autograph.
I consider Constantine's celebrity and talent to be marginal at best, but I'll give him credit for two things: first, he seems like a genuinely nice guy, and I appreciated the validation he gave me. Second, the man recognizes a good shirt when he sees one. I was wearing this beauty, a Christmas gift from my sister Chelsea. (Yes, I'm still planning to write at length of my love for Charles in Charge.)
Yes, that Constantine Maroulis. The long-haired rocker from the Carrie Underwood season of American Idol that wasn't Bo Bice. The one whose eyes became constant fodder for Joel McHale. He's currently performing on Broadway in Rock of Ages, and Riss had just seen the show and wanted his autograph.
I consider Constantine's celebrity and talent to be marginal at best, but I'll give him credit for two things: first, he seems like a genuinely nice guy, and I appreciated the validation he gave me. Second, the man recognizes a good shirt when he sees one. I was wearing this beauty, a Christmas gift from my sister Chelsea. (Yes, I'm still planning to write at length of my love for Charles in Charge.)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
One year older and wiser too
I'm clearly not averse to shameless self-promotion, and this is never more evident than in relation to my birthday. I make sure people know when it is--it greatly increases the chances of getting presents.
I apparently did a really good job this year. This week I received "happy birthday" gifts, calls, texts, e-mails, cards, status messages, wall posts, comments, verbalizations, and/or milk and cereal from at least 85 different people. I've done my best to respond to each person individually, but in case I missed some, thank you very much. I had a great birthday, and it feels great to have so many relatives and friends who took an interest in making it so.
Here's a picture of one of my favorite birthday memories, a surprise party my friends had for me five years ago.
I was at the party, there was music playing, and I was dancing around, and my friend Robyn complimented my glasses and asked if she could see them. I stupidly handed them over, and then David called me into the kitchen to show me something.
I realized about two seconds before it happened that I had been duped, not enough time to avoid Aaron Lewis smashing a custard into my grill and turning me into a Skeletor look-a-like. I can't believe I fell for it, but like I said, it was fun.
My birthday is actually pretty infamous. April 20 is the stoner Christmas, the anniversary of the Columbine tragedy, and, of course, Hitler's birthday. It shocks me how many people know this. The connection was first pointed out to me by my orthodontist, of all people. This was back in the pre-Google days, when it was harder to glean random trivia like this. I'm pretty sure Stalin's birthday is not common knowledge, and nobody knows when Genghis Khan was born. Why does everyone know about Hitler?
Turns out I also share a birthday with several others of varying levels of notoriety. I knew about some of them, but I had no idea about Crispin Glover.
So thanks again for the birthday wishes. And if you forgot, don't worry, it's not too late--as some like to say, it's always 420 somewhere!
I apparently did a really good job this year. This week I received "happy birthday" gifts, calls, texts, e-mails, cards, status messages, wall posts, comments, verbalizations, and/or milk and cereal from at least 85 different people. I've done my best to respond to each person individually, but in case I missed some, thank you very much. I had a great birthday, and it feels great to have so many relatives and friends who took an interest in making it so.
Here's a picture of one of my favorite birthday memories, a surprise party my friends had for me five years ago.
I was at the party, there was music playing, and I was dancing around, and my friend Robyn complimented my glasses and asked if she could see them. I stupidly handed them over, and then David called me into the kitchen to show me something.
I realized about two seconds before it happened that I had been duped, not enough time to avoid Aaron Lewis smashing a custard into my grill and turning me into a Skeletor look-a-like. I can't believe I fell for it, but like I said, it was fun.
My birthday is actually pretty infamous. April 20 is the stoner Christmas, the anniversary of the Columbine tragedy, and, of course, Hitler's birthday. It shocks me how many people know this. The connection was first pointed out to me by my orthodontist, of all people. This was back in the pre-Google days, when it was harder to glean random trivia like this. I'm pretty sure Stalin's birthday is not common knowledge, and nobody knows when Genghis Khan was born. Why does everyone know about Hitler?
Turns out I also share a birthday with several others of varying levels of notoriety. I knew about some of them, but I had no idea about Crispin Glover.
So thanks again for the birthday wishes. And if you forgot, don't worry, it's not too late--as some like to say, it's always 420 somewhere!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
'Twas the night before Easter
There are two kinds of people in this world. There's the type that prefers to watch shows like LOST or 24 on DVD, so they can consume a whole season (or more) at a time, and there's the type that prefers to watch one episode per week, as they come. Some might argue that there's a third type, a group who watch little or no TV, but that is a concept that I can't really wrap my brain around.
This categorization relates mainly to TV dramas (I'm done writing about sitcoms for a while--at least a week or so--except for this joke I forgot to include in the last post: Simpsons, here's your "One Shinning Moment").
Obviously, most people can handle either method of necessary. One of my claims to fame is that I've been a fan of 24 since hour one of day one, and have never needed to "catch up." For LOST, however, I watched the first four seasons in about two months' time.
(TV on DVD sidenote: I'm planning to rewatch Twin Peaks soon, but I'm hoping to recruit some new fans to watch with. It only lasted two seasons, so it wouldn't be burdensome. If you like LOST, X-Files, or small town folks eating pastries while supernatural events take place all around them, you would probably like Twin Peaks. Let me know if you want in.)
But my preference definitely falls on the one-episode-at-a-time side. For one thing, staying current with a show is the best way to avoid spoilers. I also have a limited attention span when I'm staring at a TV or computer screen (warped by too many short sitcoms). I can't generally handle more than 45 minutes or so of the same thing.
But the main reason I like to watch week-to-week: anticipation. I love getting excited as the hour for the new episode grows closer and closer. I love discussing and speculating with fellow fans in those lead-up days, or even during commercials if I'm watching with someone. I love being left in suspense at the end of the show. Often the anticipation is more satisfying than the payoff.
This doesn't apply just to television, either. Christmas might be a better day, but Christmas Eve is far more exciting. New Year's Eve is an event that is all about anticipation. And ask any missionary about "P-Day Eve," and I'm sure their face will light up.
That's why I've long been a proponent of adding an Eve to every holiday. It practically doubles the number of holidays, which is a good thing. A great thing, actually. Why wait until July 4 to light fireworks, when you can get the party started on Independence Eve? Take your sweetheart out to dinner on Valentine's Eve, and you'll not only win points for being eager to show affection, but you'll avoid long restaurant wait times. And your neighbors will still have all the good candy left if you trick-or-treat on All Hallow's Eve Eve.
Speaking of candy...while every holiday can easily be turned into a two-day celebration, there are several special occasions where the good times extend into a third day. One of life's simplest and most divine pleasures is hitting up a grocery store the morning after Christmas, Valentine's, Easter or Halloween (we need a good summer candy holiday, don't we?) for discounted sweets. It's like having an extra stocking, or basket, or secret admirer, or taking a pillowcase from a smaller kid.
So on Monday I'll probably trek up to the Bronx to see if I can score some half-price Snickers Eggs from Target. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. Ah, sweet anticipation!
This categorization relates mainly to TV dramas (I'm done writing about sitcoms for a while--at least a week or so--except for this joke I forgot to include in the last post: Simpsons, here's your "One Shinning Moment").
Obviously, most people can handle either method of necessary. One of my claims to fame is that I've been a fan of 24 since hour one of day one, and have never needed to "catch up." For LOST, however, I watched the first four seasons in about two months' time.
(TV on DVD sidenote: I'm planning to rewatch Twin Peaks soon, but I'm hoping to recruit some new fans to watch with. It only lasted two seasons, so it wouldn't be burdensome. If you like LOST, X-Files, or small town folks eating pastries while supernatural events take place all around them, you would probably like Twin Peaks. Let me know if you want in.)
But my preference definitely falls on the one-episode-at-a-time side. For one thing, staying current with a show is the best way to avoid spoilers. I also have a limited attention span when I'm staring at a TV or computer screen (warped by too many short sitcoms). I can't generally handle more than 45 minutes or so of the same thing.
But the main reason I like to watch week-to-week: anticipation. I love getting excited as the hour for the new episode grows closer and closer. I love discussing and speculating with fellow fans in those lead-up days, or even during commercials if I'm watching with someone. I love being left in suspense at the end of the show. Often the anticipation is more satisfying than the payoff.
This doesn't apply just to television, either. Christmas might be a better day, but Christmas Eve is far more exciting. New Year's Eve is an event that is all about anticipation. And ask any missionary about "P-Day Eve," and I'm sure their face will light up.
That's why I've long been a proponent of adding an Eve to every holiday. It practically doubles the number of holidays, which is a good thing. A great thing, actually. Why wait until July 4 to light fireworks, when you can get the party started on Independence Eve? Take your sweetheart out to dinner on Valentine's Eve, and you'll not only win points for being eager to show affection, but you'll avoid long restaurant wait times. And your neighbors will still have all the good candy left if you trick-or-treat on All Hallow's Eve Eve.
Speaking of candy...while every holiday can easily be turned into a two-day celebration, there are several special occasions where the good times extend into a third day. One of life's simplest and most divine pleasures is hitting up a grocery store the morning after Christmas, Valentine's, Easter or Halloween (we need a good summer candy holiday, don't we?) for discounted sweets. It's like having an extra stocking, or basket, or secret admirer, or taking a pillowcase from a smaller kid.
So on Monday I'll probably trek up to the Bronx to see if I can score some half-price Snickers Eggs from Target. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. Ah, sweet anticipation!
Final Four!
We've finally reached the end of the sitcom bracket. No more obscure shows to mention, and I'm a little worried that I've run out of jokes. (If any of you are tempted to say something like "Don't worry about that, you ran out of jokes three posts ago," just don't. It's rude.)
Assuming some of you have read all of these, thank you for bearing with me, and I hope I've helped to remind you that there are (and have been) plenty of good non-reality TV options. As always, winners are in bold.
SEMIFINALS
I Love Lucy vs. The Simpsons
You can probably all see where this is going. I mean, I have two pair of Homer Simpson pajama pants. And Homer slippers and flip flops. And a beer belly that is rapidly reaching Homeric proportions. The show is just in a class by itself. Lucille Ball has made more than one appearance on The Simpsons, by the way.
The Cosby Show vs. Seinfeld
Plenty of classic moments from Cosby, including this one, but Seinfeld can match it moment for moment, plus it has made a more lasting impact on our overall language and culture (yadda yadda, "no soup for you!," Festivus, etc.).
SITCOM CHAMPIONSHIP
The Simpsons vs. Seinfeld
You know why a lot of young people now get most of their news from The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, etc.? It's not because those shows are hip and fresh and relevant; it's because, when the regular news is on, young people are watching back-to-back syndicated reruns of these two finalists. It's the best pairing of all-time (take that, PB&J). I've seen many episodes of these shows literally a dozen times, and while that certainly says something about me and my priorities, it also says something about the quality of the programs.
But when all is said and done, no show has ever come close to usurping The Simpsons' spot as my all-time favorite. This whole tournament was really a battle for second place all along.
As I wrap this up, two things to ponder on your own, or for us to discuss in the comments: first, which Simpsons character(s) could/should Matt Groening build a successful spin-off around? Mr. Burns would be a logical choice; it would be like Richy Rich as a grown-up. Lenny and Carl have potential, as do Kent Brockman and Duffman. A show about Disco Stu would be hilarious, but I feel it would probably run out of steam pretty quickly.
Last of all, I'll probably want to revisit this bracket concept next year...who or what should I have compete next year? If I start thinking about it early, I'll be more likely to be done blogging about March Madness before mid-April.
Assuming some of you have read all of these, thank you for bearing with me, and I hope I've helped to remind you that there are (and have been) plenty of good non-reality TV options. As always, winners are in bold.
SEMIFINALS
I Love Lucy vs. The Simpsons
You can probably all see where this is going. I mean, I have two pair of Homer Simpson pajama pants. And Homer slippers and flip flops. And a beer belly that is rapidly reaching Homeric proportions. The show is just in a class by itself. Lucille Ball has made more than one appearance on The Simpsons, by the way.
The Cosby Show vs. Seinfeld
Plenty of classic moments from Cosby, including this one, but Seinfeld can match it moment for moment, plus it has made a more lasting impact on our overall language and culture (yadda yadda, "no soup for you!," Festivus, etc.).
SITCOM CHAMPIONSHIP
The Simpsons vs. Seinfeld
You know why a lot of young people now get most of their news from The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, etc.? It's not because those shows are hip and fresh and relevant; it's because, when the regular news is on, young people are watching back-to-back syndicated reruns of these two finalists. It's the best pairing of all-time (take that, PB&J). I've seen many episodes of these shows literally a dozen times, and while that certainly says something about me and my priorities, it also says something about the quality of the programs.
But when all is said and done, no show has ever come close to usurping The Simpsons' spot as my all-time favorite. This whole tournament was really a battle for second place all along.
As I wrap this up, two things to ponder on your own, or for us to discuss in the comments: first, which Simpsons character(s) could/should Matt Groening build a successful spin-off around? Mr. Burns would be a logical choice; it would be like Richy Rich as a grown-up. Lenny and Carl have potential, as do Kent Brockman and Duffman. A show about Disco Stu would be hilarious, but I feel it would probably run out of steam pretty quickly.
Last of all, I'll probably want to revisit this bracket concept next year...who or what should I have compete next year? If I start thinking about it early, I'll be more likely to be done blogging about March Madness before mid-April.
Noughts Region
"How rude," you must be thinking. And you're right--but I ask you to "have mercy." Ok, I'll "cut--it--out" with the catch phrases and just apologize for somehow excluding Full House from this prestigious competition. I have no idea how it happened, but I'm guessing I had trouble deciding if it should be grouped with the '80s or the '90s, and ended up neglecting it altogether.
It would've likely been a top-10 seed in the '90s region, and probably won a round or two. It was a good show.
Here we are now with a bracket of 21st-century shows. As before, winners are in bold.
1ST ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 32) Yes, Dear/Still Standing
They're teamed up because I honestly can't tell them apart. Two very bland, nuclear family-type sitcoms. And we all know that Homer Simpson wreaks havoc with nuclear stuff.
16) King of the Hill vs. 17) It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
I've been told I would enjoy It's Always Sunny, but I am yet to try it out. So King wins by default, but it's also a very underrated show. It's like the ER of sitcoms, the show you assumed was cancelled six years ago but then are surprised to see it still in the listings. It's done amazingly well considering how little FOX promotes it.
9) Family Guy vs. 24) My Wife and Kids
Meanwhile, Family Guy is probably the most overrated show out there. But it's definitely funny enough to beat Damon Wayans in a non-Homey the Clown or Anton Jackson role.
8) Arrested Development vs. 25) 'Til Death
I consider the first season of Arrested the best season of any sitcom ever. Every episode of the series is on Hulu. There's no reason for anyone not to experience its awesomeness.
5) South Park vs. 28) Sons & Daughters
Seeds 28-31 went to shows that I grew attached to quickly and were cancelled before they had much of a chance to build a following. Unfortunately, this also makes it less likely they will ever turn up on DVD, but check them out if you get a chance. S&D was the best of these (but still doesn't advance in the tourney).
12) Scrubs vs. 21) Samantha Who?
It seems that Zach Braff is an acquired taste, and I am yet to acquire it. But there just aren't many good sitcoms from this decade.
13) How I Met Your Mother vs. 20) George Lopez
Never watched either of these shows. But one involves Danny Tanner and Doogie Howser, and that's enough. By the way, my sister says she'll scan her Neil Patrick Harris pic from Splash Mountain and send it to me, so look for that soon.
4) Two and a Half Men vs. 29) Notes From The Underbelly
Charlie Sheen's show is TV's most-watched, but not by me. Notes is another of those hidden gems that I wish had caught on.
3) The Office vs. 30) Free Ride
Free Ride was an endearing show, and even featured the legendary Kirby Heybourne, yet somehow got yanked off the air after just a couple of episodes. Bummer.
14) Malcolm in the Middle vs. 19) Extras
Two shows I saw for the first time in Scotland (Malcolm while on my mission; don't judge me). They're both really good. But Ricky Gervais's awkward humor, while a little raunchy, tickles my funny bone like few other things ever have.
11) Entourage vs. 22) Futurama
I have nothing to say about either show, so I'll take this opportunity to point out how my tastes have shifted over the years. You'll notice that none of those Disney Channel sitcoms show up here, whereas most of the shows I watched in the '80s were the wholesome, traditional family-based sitcoms. So Cheers would've probably done better in this tournament if it debuted in 1996, while That's So Raven would've ranked higher if it was on in 1987. Hmm, this paragraph turned out to be more boring than I anticipated. Moving along...
6) The King of Queens vs. 27) What I Like About You
My brother might be upset with me for picking against Amanda Bynes, but in my eyes Jerry Stiller can do no wrong.
7) My Name Is Earl vs. 26) The Bernie Mac Show
Considering how much TV I watch, it's surprising how many of these shows I've never seen a full episode of. But Earl would show up in my Netflix queue long before Bernie.
10) Curb Your Enthusiasm vs. 23) Reba
Many times I'd return home from work, and the first thing my then-roommate Jared would say is "want to watch Reba? This is one of my favorite episodes." He had a lot of favorite episodes. I haven't seen much of Curb, but I'm pretty sure I'd like it, considering Seinfeld won the '90s Region.
15) According to Jim vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
Again, Seinfeld connections help. Interestingly, Jim Belushi and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss were on SNL at the same time. Where's Tim Kazurinsky's sitcom?
2) 30 Rock vs. 31) Knights of Prosperity
I love that someone had the guts to pitch a show about a bunch of blue collar stiffs who plot together to break into Mick Jagger's house. I love even more that someone had the guts to put it on the air. I'm sad that it was taken away from me so soon.
2ND ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 16) King of the Hill
Yes, the peak Simpsons years were in the '90s, but this region had fewer strong shows, and I wanted them to be more balanced. Poor Hank Hill just can't escape Homer's shadow. Dang it, Bobby!
8) Arrested Development vs. 9) Family Guy
Like a basketball team that only shoots 3-pointers (or maybe Slam Ball is a better comparison?), Family Guy is the most gimmicky show in television history. Sometimes the gimmicks work, sometimes they're annoying, sometimes they're just lazy, and a superior team/show like AD will always figure out a way to beat the gimmicks.
5) South Park vs. 12) Scrubs
I admire South Park's integrity: they make fun of absolutely everybody. Their only agenda seems to be to try to be funny and entertaining, and I can respect that.
29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 13) How I Met Your Mother
Like I said, I like Sons & Daughters better, but Notes has had a favorable draw in their part of the bracket.
3) The Office vs. 19) Extras
Which is Ricky Gervais's greatest creation? Extras was too short lived (less than 20 episodes total, I think) to be considered better.
6) The King of Queens vs. 11) Entourage
I'm not a big Kevin James fan, but I do like Stacey Carosi.
7) My Name is Earl vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
I usually mistrust guys with two first names, but since I have to pick one I'll go with Larry David over Jason Lee.
2) 30 Rock vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
I think a lot of people view Liz Lemon as the new Elaine Benes. I probably wouldn't go that far yet, but we're dealing with Christine here, not Elaine.
3RD ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 8) Arrested Development
Proof that I was honest in the way I've seeded these shows; otherwise I would've rigged it so these two didn't meet until the finals. Many would say that The Simpsons is past its prime, that the last few years haven't been very good, and they'd be right. Maybe even more right than they realize. I would say season 12 was its last great season, and they're on season 20 now. But when a hoops team builds a 45-point lead at halftime, they usually cruise to victory no matter how poorly they play after intermission. That's how good the early Simpsons years were.
29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 5) South Park
Is it bad that I enjoy all of the Mormon references on South Park? Although they're making jokes, it seems like they actually respect Mormons, even though they don't agree with the religion itself.
3) The Office vs. 6) The King of Queens
It turns out that an office setting is funnier than a UPS setting, which I guess is why Darryl is just a minor character.
2) 30 Rock vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
Based on the show's cast and premise, I figured 30 Rock had a chance to be my favorite show ever. But I was actually underwhelmed by the first two episodes, and never watched it again until last fall. I am so glad I gave it another chance.
REGIONAL SEMIFINAL
1) The Simpsons vs. 5) South Park
Wow, if Family Guy had defeated Arrested Development, Simpsons would've defeated its top three animation rivals in succession.
2) 30 Rock vs. 3) The Office
This is a tough one. I give the nod to 30 Rock mainly because I think the conceit of The Office doesn't make sense. The film crews and confessional interviews add to the humor of the show, but it's not realistic to think that they'd be following these paper company employees around for five years. I really hope the series finale, whenever it is, is the finished Dunder Mifflin documentary. Now that would be a clip show.
REGIONAL FINAL
1) The Simpsons vs. 2) 30 Rock
This isn't a surprise to anyone who's known me for very long, right?
Dishonorable mention: The Michael Richards Show (Seinfeld cred only goes so far), The Mullets, Stacked
It would've likely been a top-10 seed in the '90s region, and probably won a round or two. It was a good show.
Here we are now with a bracket of 21st-century shows. As before, winners are in bold.
1ST ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 32) Yes, Dear/Still Standing
They're teamed up because I honestly can't tell them apart. Two very bland, nuclear family-type sitcoms. And we all know that Homer Simpson wreaks havoc with nuclear stuff.
16) King of the Hill vs. 17) It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
I've been told I would enjoy It's Always Sunny, but I am yet to try it out. So King wins by default, but it's also a very underrated show. It's like the ER of sitcoms, the show you assumed was cancelled six years ago but then are surprised to see it still in the listings. It's done amazingly well considering how little FOX promotes it.
9) Family Guy vs. 24) My Wife and Kids
Meanwhile, Family Guy is probably the most overrated show out there. But it's definitely funny enough to beat Damon Wayans in a non-Homey the Clown or Anton Jackson role.
8) Arrested Development vs. 25) 'Til Death
I consider the first season of Arrested the best season of any sitcom ever. Every episode of the series is on Hulu. There's no reason for anyone not to experience its awesomeness.
5) South Park vs. 28) Sons & Daughters
Seeds 28-31 went to shows that I grew attached to quickly and were cancelled before they had much of a chance to build a following. Unfortunately, this also makes it less likely they will ever turn up on DVD, but check them out if you get a chance. S&D was the best of these (but still doesn't advance in the tourney).
12) Scrubs vs. 21) Samantha Who?
It seems that Zach Braff is an acquired taste, and I am yet to acquire it. But there just aren't many good sitcoms from this decade.
13) How I Met Your Mother vs. 20) George Lopez
Never watched either of these shows. But one involves Danny Tanner and Doogie Howser, and that's enough. By the way, my sister says she'll scan her Neil Patrick Harris pic from Splash Mountain and send it to me, so look for that soon.
4) Two and a Half Men vs. 29) Notes From The Underbelly
Charlie Sheen's show is TV's most-watched, but not by me. Notes is another of those hidden gems that I wish had caught on.
3) The Office vs. 30) Free Ride
Free Ride was an endearing show, and even featured the legendary Kirby Heybourne, yet somehow got yanked off the air after just a couple of episodes. Bummer.
14) Malcolm in the Middle vs. 19) Extras
Two shows I saw for the first time in Scotland (Malcolm while on my mission; don't judge me). They're both really good. But Ricky Gervais's awkward humor, while a little raunchy, tickles my funny bone like few other things ever have.
11) Entourage vs. 22) Futurama
I have nothing to say about either show, so I'll take this opportunity to point out how my tastes have shifted over the years. You'll notice that none of those Disney Channel sitcoms show up here, whereas most of the shows I watched in the '80s were the wholesome, traditional family-based sitcoms. So Cheers would've probably done better in this tournament if it debuted in 1996, while That's So Raven would've ranked higher if it was on in 1987. Hmm, this paragraph turned out to be more boring than I anticipated. Moving along...
6) The King of Queens vs. 27) What I Like About You
My brother might be upset with me for picking against Amanda Bynes, but in my eyes Jerry Stiller can do no wrong.
7) My Name Is Earl vs. 26) The Bernie Mac Show
Considering how much TV I watch, it's surprising how many of these shows I've never seen a full episode of. But Earl would show up in my Netflix queue long before Bernie.
10) Curb Your Enthusiasm vs. 23) Reba
Many times I'd return home from work, and the first thing my then-roommate Jared would say is "want to watch Reba? This is one of my favorite episodes." He had a lot of favorite episodes. I haven't seen much of Curb, but I'm pretty sure I'd like it, considering Seinfeld won the '90s Region.
15) According to Jim vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
Again, Seinfeld connections help. Interestingly, Jim Belushi and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss were on SNL at the same time. Where's Tim Kazurinsky's sitcom?
2) 30 Rock vs. 31) Knights of Prosperity
I love that someone had the guts to pitch a show about a bunch of blue collar stiffs who plot together to break into Mick Jagger's house. I love even more that someone had the guts to put it on the air. I'm sad that it was taken away from me so soon.
2ND ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 16) King of the Hill
Yes, the peak Simpsons years were in the '90s, but this region had fewer strong shows, and I wanted them to be more balanced. Poor Hank Hill just can't escape Homer's shadow. Dang it, Bobby!
8) Arrested Development vs. 9) Family Guy
Like a basketball team that only shoots 3-pointers (or maybe Slam Ball is a better comparison?), Family Guy is the most gimmicky show in television history. Sometimes the gimmicks work, sometimes they're annoying, sometimes they're just lazy, and a superior team/show like AD will always figure out a way to beat the gimmicks.
5) South Park vs. 12) Scrubs
I admire South Park's integrity: they make fun of absolutely everybody. Their only agenda seems to be to try to be funny and entertaining, and I can respect that.
29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 13) How I Met Your Mother
Like I said, I like Sons & Daughters better, but Notes has had a favorable draw in their part of the bracket.
3) The Office vs. 19) Extras
Which is Ricky Gervais's greatest creation? Extras was too short lived (less than 20 episodes total, I think) to be considered better.
6) The King of Queens vs. 11) Entourage
I'm not a big Kevin James fan, but I do like Stacey Carosi.
7) My Name is Earl vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
I usually mistrust guys with two first names, but since I have to pick one I'll go with Larry David over Jason Lee.
2) 30 Rock vs. 18) The New Adventures of Old Christine
I think a lot of people view Liz Lemon as the new Elaine Benes. I probably wouldn't go that far yet, but we're dealing with Christine here, not Elaine.
3RD ROUND
1) The Simpsons vs. 8) Arrested Development
Proof that I was honest in the way I've seeded these shows; otherwise I would've rigged it so these two didn't meet until the finals. Many would say that The Simpsons is past its prime, that the last few years haven't been very good, and they'd be right. Maybe even more right than they realize. I would say season 12 was its last great season, and they're on season 20 now. But when a hoops team builds a 45-point lead at halftime, they usually cruise to victory no matter how poorly they play after intermission. That's how good the early Simpsons years were.
29) Notes From the Underbelly vs. 5) South Park
Is it bad that I enjoy all of the Mormon references on South Park? Although they're making jokes, it seems like they actually respect Mormons, even though they don't agree with the religion itself.
3) The Office vs. 6) The King of Queens
It turns out that an office setting is funnier than a UPS setting, which I guess is why Darryl is just a minor character.
2) 30 Rock vs. 10) Curb Your Enthusiasm
Based on the show's cast and premise, I figured 30 Rock had a chance to be my favorite show ever. But I was actually underwhelmed by the first two episodes, and never watched it again until last fall. I am so glad I gave it another chance.
REGIONAL SEMIFINAL
1) The Simpsons vs. 5) South Park
Wow, if Family Guy had defeated Arrested Development, Simpsons would've defeated its top three animation rivals in succession.
2) 30 Rock vs. 3) The Office
This is a tough one. I give the nod to 30 Rock mainly because I think the conceit of The Office doesn't make sense. The film crews and confessional interviews add to the humor of the show, but it's not realistic to think that they'd be following these paper company employees around for five years. I really hope the series finale, whenever it is, is the finished Dunder Mifflin documentary. Now that would be a clip show.
REGIONAL FINAL
1) The Simpsons vs. 2) 30 Rock
This isn't a surprise to anyone who's known me for very long, right?
Dishonorable mention: The Michael Richards Show (Seinfeld cred only goes so far), The Mullets, Stacked
Thursday, April 9, 2009
'90s Region
Yeah, yeah, the basketball tournament is over. But I'm going to keep going with mine anyway. On to the '90s Region!
1ST ROUND
1) Friends vs. 32) Herman's Head
Determining who should get the top spot in this region was probably the toughest choice of the seeding process. I ultimately decided that Friends has probably aged better than Seinfeld, meaning that if someone today watched both shows for the first time, they would relate more to Ross and Rachel than to Jerry and Elaine. Jane Sibbett was in both of these shows, but she played a lesbian in the one that wasn't on FOX. That's weird. I liked Herman, but I'm glad it didn't last too long, or it may have impacted the success of The Simpsons.
16) The Larry Sanders Show vs. 17) Blossom
I've never watched Sanders, but I've heard good things and would like to check it out some day. I never really watched Blossom either, but it gets the nod on the strength of a classic SNL skit where car keys were mistaken for condoms and nothing was as it seems. Whoa! Unfortunately, I can't find video of it anywhere.
9) Saved By the Bell vs. 24) NewsRadio
So sad that one of these shows has to go out in the first round. Phil Hartman is one of the most underrated comedians ever. I miss him much more than Chris Farley. Such a good ensemble cast on that show that one can even tolerate the presence of Joe Rogan and Andy Dick.
8) Murphy Brown vs. 25) Ned & Stacey
Candice Bergen gets kudos for adding Pee-Wee Herman and wrong-bathroom-user Garry Marshall to the cast late in her show's run, but it's not enough to beat my favorite underrated '90s sitcom.
5) Home Improvement vs. 28) Just Shoot Me
You don't need "more power" to beat David Spade. He's pretty scrawny.
12) Mad About You vs. 21) The Drew Carey Show
So frustrating that one of these shows advances while NewsRadio gets sent packing. I should have done a better job rigging the seedings. I am not exaggerating when I say that the first four times I stumbled upon Mad while channel surfing, it was the same unfunny part of the same unfunny episode, one where Helen Hunt had kissed another guy and is trying to get Paul Reiser to forgive her. That's a great sitcom.
13) Boy Meets World vs. 20) Family Matters
Spinning off from Perfect Strangers can only get you so far. But one character from the show may win in a separate bracket.
4) Roseanne vs. 29) Spin City
Sara Gilbert's presence in the aforementioned Blossom sketch gives Roseanne the edge in this matchup of two more shows I never saw much of.
3) Everybody Loves Raymond vs. 30) Step By Step
Step By Step taught me the joys of mixing milk and chocolate syrup in my mouth, but it's just such a blatant ripoff of The Brady Bunch.
14) That '70s Show vs. 19) Wings
Remember when everyone thought the entire '70s cast were going to become big stars? How's that working out? Anyone seen Wilmer lately?
11) Will & Grace vs. 22) Ellen
I promise I didn't set up this showdown on purpose. I think Ellen is the funniest woman since Lucille Ball, but that's more in relation to her stand-up and her talk show, and not so much her sitcom or her acting.
6) Frasier vs. 27) Arli$$
Oh, why can't someone make a good sports sitcom?
7) Sex and the City vs. 26) Northern Exposure
The ultimate small town-big city matchup. I choose the show with Kristin Davis, regardless of where she lives.
10) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air vs. 23) Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Will Smith to Melissa Joan Hart: "yo homes, smell ya later!"
15) 3rd Rock From the Sun vs. 18) The Nanny
3rd Rock can easily be confused with 30 Rock, which is a better show. Fran Drescher's laugh can easily be confused with a weedwacker, which is a more pleasant sound.
2) Seinfeld vs. 31) Dharma & Greg
What's the deal with hippies marrying yuppies? I don't get it!
2ND ROUND
1) Friends vs. 17) Blossom
I didn't like Friends much at the end, but the first few seasons were pretty funny, actually.
25) Ned & Stacey vs. 9) Saved By The Bell
Thomas Haden Church and Debra Messing at their finest still can't top The Max's best customers.
5) Home Improvement vs. 21) The Drew Carey Show
Drew Carey has ruined at least two shows that were great with different hosts. He's just not funny. Even so, I assumed he was at least capable of feigning excitement. I was wrong.
4) Roseanne vs. 13) Boy Meets World
BMW's balanced attack (likeable male leads, an amazing girlfriend, a cool teacher, a neighbor/principal with a legendary voice) is too much for Roseanne's superstar-heavy (I mean heavy superstar) lineup.
3) Everybody Loves Raymond vs. 19) Wings
Sweet sassy molassey! Raymond is on a roll.
6) Frasier vs. 11) Will & Grace
The W&G guys are more masculine than Frasier and Niles, I think. Sean Hayes hosted one of SNL's best-ever episodes, and as we've already seen, that actually matters in this tournament.
7) Sex and the City vs. 10) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
As a teenager, I once saw Tom Jones at the airport in SLC. I only recognized him because of his connection with Carlton Banks. I'd also like to point out that, if some adjustments were made to the length of the court and height of the basket, Will Smith could dominate in real March Madness.
2) Seinfeld vs. 15) 3rd Rock From the Sun
Wayne Knight's only relevant comedy roles go head to head! Unless you count Space Jam. And nobody counts Space Jam.
3RD ROUND
1) Friends vs. 9) Saved By The Bell
The six on six is pretty much a wash, but the coaching edge (Belding vs. Gunther) clearly goes to Bayside.
13) Boy Meets World vs. 5) Home Improvement
Most sitcoms get worse when the kids grow up and become un-cute. This happened to Home Improvement, but Boy Meets World avoided the curse. Cory, Shawn and Topanga remained appealing into young adulthood, and that helped it become a classic show instead of a good one.
3) Everybody Loves Raymond vs. 11) Will & Grace
W&G is advancing much farther than I thought it would. But Raymond is a very overrated show, I think.
2) Seinfeld vs. 10) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
In the '90s, The Simpsons was banned in my house, but we all watched Fresh Prince together in spite of its swearing, sexual innuendo, and introduction of Tyra Banks into mainstream culture. Kind of strange.
REGIONAL SEMIFINAL
9) Saved By The Bell vs. 13) Boy Meets World
They keep winning! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!
2) Seinfeld vs. 11) Will & Grace
It's hard to keep a Cinderella run going when your team is full of Prince Charmings. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
REGIONAL FINAL
9) Saved By The Bell vs. 2) Seinfeld
Let it be known that I am firmly on the "pro" side when it comes to the Seinfeld finale. I thought it was a perfect way to end the series.
NIT bound: Veronica's Closet, Two Guys and a Girl (with or without the pizza place), The Single Guy, Suddenly Susan, Living Single, Caroline in the City, The Critic, Dinosaurs, Evening Shade, Get a Life, Boston Common, Hanigin' with Mr. Cooper, Roc
Not even if the tourney expanded to 1,012: Vinnie & Bobby (and you thought Joey was Matt LeBlanc's first terrible show), Shasta McNasty, Hang Time (this team and the High School Musical guys should play each other, no?), and of course, Homeboys in Outer Space
1ST ROUND
1) Friends vs. 32) Herman's Head
Determining who should get the top spot in this region was probably the toughest choice of the seeding process. I ultimately decided that Friends has probably aged better than Seinfeld, meaning that if someone today watched both shows for the first time, they would relate more to Ross and Rachel than to Jerry and Elaine. Jane Sibbett was in both of these shows, but she played a lesbian in the one that wasn't on FOX. That's weird. I liked Herman, but I'm glad it didn't last too long, or it may have impacted the success of The Simpsons.
16) The Larry Sanders Show vs. 17) Blossom
I've never watched Sanders, but I've heard good things and would like to check it out some day. I never really watched Blossom either, but it gets the nod on the strength of a classic SNL skit where car keys were mistaken for condoms and nothing was as it seems. Whoa! Unfortunately, I can't find video of it anywhere.
9) Saved By the Bell vs. 24) NewsRadio
So sad that one of these shows has to go out in the first round. Phil Hartman is one of the most underrated comedians ever. I miss him much more than Chris Farley. Such a good ensemble cast on that show that one can even tolerate the presence of Joe Rogan and Andy Dick.
8) Murphy Brown vs. 25) Ned & Stacey
Candice Bergen gets kudos for adding Pee-Wee Herman and wrong-bathroom-user Garry Marshall to the cast late in her show's run, but it's not enough to beat my favorite underrated '90s sitcom.
5) Home Improvement vs. 28) Just Shoot Me
You don't need "more power" to beat David Spade. He's pretty scrawny.
12) Mad About You vs. 21) The Drew Carey Show
So frustrating that one of these shows advances while NewsRadio gets sent packing. I should have done a better job rigging the seedings. I am not exaggerating when I say that the first four times I stumbled upon Mad while channel surfing, it was the same unfunny part of the same unfunny episode, one where Helen Hunt had kissed another guy and is trying to get Paul Reiser to forgive her. That's a great sitcom.
13) Boy Meets World vs. 20) Family Matters
Spinning off from Perfect Strangers can only get you so far. But one character from the show may win in a separate bracket.
4) Roseanne vs. 29) Spin City
Sara Gilbert's presence in the aforementioned Blossom sketch gives Roseanne the edge in this matchup of two more shows I never saw much of.
3) Everybody Loves Raymond vs. 30) Step By Step
Step By Step taught me the joys of mixing milk and chocolate syrup in my mouth, but it's just such a blatant ripoff of The Brady Bunch.
14) That '70s Show vs. 19) Wings
Remember when everyone thought the entire '70s cast were going to become big stars? How's that working out? Anyone seen Wilmer lately?
11) Will & Grace vs. 22) Ellen
I promise I didn't set up this showdown on purpose. I think Ellen is the funniest woman since Lucille Ball, but that's more in relation to her stand-up and her talk show, and not so much her sitcom or her acting.
6) Frasier vs. 27) Arli$$
Oh, why can't someone make a good sports sitcom?
7) Sex and the City vs. 26) Northern Exposure
The ultimate small town-big city matchup. I choose the show with Kristin Davis, regardless of where she lives.
10) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air vs. 23) Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Will Smith to Melissa Joan Hart: "yo homes, smell ya later!"
15) 3rd Rock From the Sun vs. 18) The Nanny
3rd Rock can easily be confused with 30 Rock, which is a better show. Fran Drescher's laugh can easily be confused with a weedwacker, which is a more pleasant sound.
2) Seinfeld vs. 31) Dharma & Greg
What's the deal with hippies marrying yuppies? I don't get it!
2ND ROUND
1) Friends vs. 17) Blossom
I didn't like Friends much at the end, but the first few seasons were pretty funny, actually.
25) Ned & Stacey vs. 9) Saved By The Bell
Thomas Haden Church and Debra Messing at their finest still can't top The Max's best customers.
5) Home Improvement vs. 21) The Drew Carey Show
Drew Carey has ruined at least two shows that were great with different hosts. He's just not funny. Even so, I assumed he was at least capable of feigning excitement. I was wrong.
4) Roseanne vs. 13) Boy Meets World
BMW's balanced attack (likeable male leads, an amazing girlfriend, a cool teacher, a neighbor/principal with a legendary voice) is too much for Roseanne's superstar-heavy (I mean heavy superstar) lineup.
3) Everybody Loves Raymond vs. 19) Wings
Sweet sassy molassey! Raymond is on a roll.
6) Frasier vs. 11) Will & Grace
The W&G guys are more masculine than Frasier and Niles, I think. Sean Hayes hosted one of SNL's best-ever episodes, and as we've already seen, that actually matters in this tournament.
7) Sex and the City vs. 10) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
As a teenager, I once saw Tom Jones at the airport in SLC. I only recognized him because of his connection with Carlton Banks. I'd also like to point out that, if some adjustments were made to the length of the court and height of the basket, Will Smith could dominate in real March Madness.
2) Seinfeld vs. 15) 3rd Rock From the Sun
Wayne Knight's only relevant comedy roles go head to head! Unless you count Space Jam. And nobody counts Space Jam.
3RD ROUND
1) Friends vs. 9) Saved By The Bell
The six on six is pretty much a wash, but the coaching edge (Belding vs. Gunther) clearly goes to Bayside.
13) Boy Meets World vs. 5) Home Improvement
Most sitcoms get worse when the kids grow up and become un-cute. This happened to Home Improvement, but Boy Meets World avoided the curse. Cory, Shawn and Topanga remained appealing into young adulthood, and that helped it become a classic show instead of a good one.
3) Everybody Loves Raymond vs. 11) Will & Grace
W&G is advancing much farther than I thought it would. But Raymond is a very overrated show, I think.
2) Seinfeld vs. 10) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
In the '90s, The Simpsons was banned in my house, but we all watched Fresh Prince together in spite of its swearing, sexual innuendo, and introduction of Tyra Banks into mainstream culture. Kind of strange.
REGIONAL SEMIFINAL
9) Saved By The Bell vs. 13) Boy Meets World
They keep winning! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!
2) Seinfeld vs. 11) Will & Grace
It's hard to keep a Cinderella run going when your team is full of Prince Charmings. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
REGIONAL FINAL
9) Saved By The Bell vs. 2) Seinfeld
Let it be known that I am firmly on the "pro" side when it comes to the Seinfeld finale. I thought it was a perfect way to end the series.
NIT bound: Veronica's Closet, Two Guys and a Girl (with or without the pizza place), The Single Guy, Suddenly Susan, Living Single, Caroline in the City, The Critic, Dinosaurs, Evening Shade, Get a Life, Boston Common, Hanigin' with Mr. Cooper, Roc
Not even if the tourney expanded to 1,012: Vinnie & Bobby (and you thought Joey was Matt LeBlanc's first terrible show), Shasta McNasty, Hang Time (this team and the High School Musical guys should play each other, no?), and of course, Homeboys in Outer Space
Monday, April 6, 2009
'80s Region
Ah, the '80s. So many great sitcoms. The last post was the Classic Region, but these are the ones that are classics to me, the ones I grew up on. As before, winning shows are in bold.
1ST ROUND
1) Cheers vs. 32) The Charmings
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Snow White lived in a modern, suburban setting? Neither have I. But amazingly, someone did.
16) Night Court vs. 17) Punky Brewster
I'm slightly ashamed to admit I had a crush on Markie Post back in the day. I'm not at all ashamed to admit I have a crush on Soleil Moon Frye now.
9) Growing Pains vs. 24) The Facts of Life
DiCaprio and Pitt oust Clooney in this battle of future Hollywood leading men. Poor Tootie.
8) Family Ties vs. 25) Empty Nest
No your eyes aren't deceiving you. The star of Empty Nest is the one and only Barnaby Barnacle from Babes In Toyland. But it's not enough to knock off Alex P. Keaton.
5) Moonlighting vs. 28) Bosom Buddies
Tom Hanks is like the high school phenom who leaves college after one year for the NBA, while Peter Scolari wonders what might have been.
12) Doogie Howser, M.D. vs. 21) Charles In Charge
I got season 1 of Charles on DVD for Christmas, and I'm surprised I haven't devoted an entire blog post to it yet. I probably will some day. Doogie goes down faster here than Neil Patrick Harris on Splash Mountain, as depicted on my parents' fridge. Seriously. But the theme song was surprisingly epic.
13) ALF vs. 20) Perfect Strangers
I also got the first two seasons of Perfect Strangers for Christmas. When it comes to illegal aliens, I'll take Cousin Balki over Alf.
4) Married With Children vs. 29) Square Pegs
Sarah Jessica Parker was a square peg, and Katey Sagal was a whiny Peg. Pretty much a toss up, so I'll go with the one I've seen more of.
3) The Dukes of Hazzard vs. 30) Police Squad!
John Stamos will always be the "other" Uncle Jesse to me.
14) Webster vs. 19) Designing Women
I wanted to live in Webster's house when I was a kid. That dumbwaiter was the coolest thing ever.
11) Who's the Boss? vs. 22) Head of the Class
As if there weren't enough good reasons to be a baseball player, there's always the chance you could date Alyssa Milano. But if you're more nerd than athlete, you may still get to sit next to Simone or Robin Givens in class. I'm more nerd than athlete.
6) WKRP in Cincinnati vs. 27) Coach
But I do like sports, so it's a shame that Coach is about as good as it gets for sports-themed sitcoms.
7) Diff'rent Strokes vs. 26) Mr. Belvedere
I was a big Belvedere fan, but not as big as these guys, so his show loses in the first round.
10) The Wonder Years vs. 23) Silver Spoons
Ok, Ricky Schroder's house might have been even cooler than Webster's. But Fred Savage had the better show.
15) Golden Girls vs. 18) Mork & Mindy
I will not respond to the rumor that I own a tape from a college TV production class in which I played the Bea Arthur role in a "Golden Boys" episode.
2) The Cosby Show vs. 31) Small Wonder
Billy Corgan must be so glad his involvement with Small Wonder is just an urban legend. Yikes.
2ND ROUND
1) Cheers vs. 17) Punky Brewster
As great as Punky was, I don't know if she has any clips that can top this one. Or this one.
8) Family Ties vs. 9) Growing Pains
Super-sub Tom Hanks helps Family Ties pull out the victory in one of those classic "you-hate-to-see-anyone-lose-this-one" contests.
5) Moonlighting vs. 21) Charles In Charge
In looking for a clip, I've discovered that Moonlighting seems to be one of the dramedies I tried to leave out of this bracket. Oh well, I'm not changing it now.
4) Married With Children vs. 20) Perfect Strangers
Is Al Bundy better than this '80s Odd Couple? Don't be ridiculous!
3) The Dukes of Hazzard vs. 14) Webster
When in doubt, go with the show that you had pajamas of when you were a kid.
6) WKRP in Cincinnati vs. 22) Head of the Class
In the Battle of Howard Hesseman, I give the nod to the show that first exposed me to Little Shop of Horrors, which is still my favorite musical.
7) Diff'rent Strokes vs. 10) Wonder Years
Since Arnold can't hear the inner monologue, he would never say "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Kevin?" And without the charm of that catch phrase, Diff'rent Strokes doesn't stand a chance.
2) The Cosby Show vs. 15) Golden Girls
The Cosby kids seemed to have a lot of grandfathers. Maybe they could hook up with the Golden Girls. That might be some consolation back in St. Olaf.
3RD ROUND
1) Cheers vs. 8) Family Ties
Many consider Cheers the best sitcom of all-time, so to them it may be blasphemous that I have it bowing out so early in the tournament, and perhaps equally blasphemous that I prefer Rebecca to Diane. It was an adult-oriented sitcom, and I was a kid when it was on, and that's probably the main reason I don't rate it as high as others.
20) Perfect Strangers vs. 21) Charles In Charge
After watching my Christmas DVDs, it's clear that Charles and not Balki would be doing the dance of joy after these two square off.
3) Dukes of Hazzard vs. 22) Head of the Class
A remake with Jessica Simpson is less egregious than Billy Connolly taking over as the teacher.
2) The Cosby Show vs. 10) The Wonder Years
Cliff and Claire Huxtable never seem to work much, so they should be well-rested as this long tourney drags on.
REGIONAL SEMIFINAL
8) Family Ties vs. 21) Charles In Charge
I told you...stay tuned for a super-long post at some point about how great Charles In Charge is.
2) The Cosby Show vs. 3) The Dukes of Hazzard
Everything Adam Sandler touches turns to gold.
REGIONAL FINAL
21) Charles In Charge vs. 2) The Cosby Show
I only own season 1 of Charles. If they had kept the original family in later seasons, and never let Chaz Lamborghini see the light of day (not once but twice!), it may have been the greatest sitcom ever. Now the door is open for the pudding pop man.
NIT Bound: Benson, Kate & Allie, Mama's Family, Major Dad, The Hogan Family, Amen, and a show that would have probably made the final four if my old roommate Will was doing this bracket--Misfits of Science.
1ST ROUND
1) Cheers vs. 32) The Charmings
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Snow White lived in a modern, suburban setting? Neither have I. But amazingly, someone did.
16) Night Court vs. 17) Punky Brewster
I'm slightly ashamed to admit I had a crush on Markie Post back in the day. I'm not at all ashamed to admit I have a crush on Soleil Moon Frye now.
9) Growing Pains vs. 24) The Facts of Life
DiCaprio and Pitt oust Clooney in this battle of future Hollywood leading men. Poor Tootie.
8) Family Ties vs. 25) Empty Nest
No your eyes aren't deceiving you. The star of Empty Nest is the one and only Barnaby Barnacle from Babes In Toyland. But it's not enough to knock off Alex P. Keaton.
5) Moonlighting vs. 28) Bosom Buddies
Tom Hanks is like the high school phenom who leaves college after one year for the NBA, while Peter Scolari wonders what might have been.
12) Doogie Howser, M.D. vs. 21) Charles In Charge
I got season 1 of Charles on DVD for Christmas, and I'm surprised I haven't devoted an entire blog post to it yet. I probably will some day. Doogie goes down faster here than Neil Patrick Harris on Splash Mountain, as depicted on my parents' fridge. Seriously. But the theme song was surprisingly epic.
13) ALF vs. 20) Perfect Strangers
I also got the first two seasons of Perfect Strangers for Christmas. When it comes to illegal aliens, I'll take Cousin Balki over Alf.
4) Married With Children vs. 29) Square Pegs
Sarah Jessica Parker was a square peg, and Katey Sagal was a whiny Peg. Pretty much a toss up, so I'll go with the one I've seen more of.
3) The Dukes of Hazzard vs. 30) Police Squad!
John Stamos will always be the "other" Uncle Jesse to me.
14) Webster vs. 19) Designing Women
I wanted to live in Webster's house when I was a kid. That dumbwaiter was the coolest thing ever.
11) Who's the Boss? vs. 22) Head of the Class
As if there weren't enough good reasons to be a baseball player, there's always the chance you could date Alyssa Milano. But if you're more nerd than athlete, you may still get to sit next to Simone or Robin Givens in class. I'm more nerd than athlete.
6) WKRP in Cincinnati vs. 27) Coach
But I do like sports, so it's a shame that Coach is about as good as it gets for sports-themed sitcoms.
7) Diff'rent Strokes vs. 26) Mr. Belvedere
I was a big Belvedere fan, but not as big as these guys, so his show loses in the first round.
10) The Wonder Years vs. 23) Silver Spoons
Ok, Ricky Schroder's house might have been even cooler than Webster's. But Fred Savage had the better show.
15) Golden Girls vs. 18) Mork & Mindy
I will not respond to the rumor that I own a tape from a college TV production class in which I played the Bea Arthur role in a "Golden Boys" episode.
2) The Cosby Show vs. 31) Small Wonder
Billy Corgan must be so glad his involvement with Small Wonder is just an urban legend. Yikes.
2ND ROUND
1) Cheers vs. 17) Punky Brewster
As great as Punky was, I don't know if she has any clips that can top this one. Or this one.
8) Family Ties vs. 9) Growing Pains
Super-sub Tom Hanks helps Family Ties pull out the victory in one of those classic "you-hate-to-see-anyone-lose-this-one" contests.
5) Moonlighting vs. 21) Charles In Charge
In looking for a clip, I've discovered that Moonlighting seems to be one of the dramedies I tried to leave out of this bracket. Oh well, I'm not changing it now.
4) Married With Children vs. 20) Perfect Strangers
Is Al Bundy better than this '80s Odd Couple? Don't be ridiculous!
3) The Dukes of Hazzard vs. 14) Webster
When in doubt, go with the show that you had pajamas of when you were a kid.
6) WKRP in Cincinnati vs. 22) Head of the Class
In the Battle of Howard Hesseman, I give the nod to the show that first exposed me to Little Shop of Horrors, which is still my favorite musical.
7) Diff'rent Strokes vs. 10) Wonder Years
Since Arnold can't hear the inner monologue, he would never say "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Kevin?" And without the charm of that catch phrase, Diff'rent Strokes doesn't stand a chance.
2) The Cosby Show vs. 15) Golden Girls
The Cosby kids seemed to have a lot of grandfathers. Maybe they could hook up with the Golden Girls. That might be some consolation back in St. Olaf.
3RD ROUND
1) Cheers vs. 8) Family Ties
Many consider Cheers the best sitcom of all-time, so to them it may be blasphemous that I have it bowing out so early in the tournament, and perhaps equally blasphemous that I prefer Rebecca to Diane. It was an adult-oriented sitcom, and I was a kid when it was on, and that's probably the main reason I don't rate it as high as others.
20) Perfect Strangers vs. 21) Charles In Charge
After watching my Christmas DVDs, it's clear that Charles and not Balki would be doing the dance of joy after these two square off.
3) Dukes of Hazzard vs. 22) Head of the Class
A remake with Jessica Simpson is less egregious than Billy Connolly taking over as the teacher.
2) The Cosby Show vs. 10) The Wonder Years
Cliff and Claire Huxtable never seem to work much, so they should be well-rested as this long tourney drags on.
REGIONAL SEMIFINAL
8) Family Ties vs. 21) Charles In Charge
I told you...stay tuned for a super-long post at some point about how great Charles In Charge is.
2) The Cosby Show vs. 3) The Dukes of Hazzard
Everything Adam Sandler touches turns to gold.
REGIONAL FINAL
21) Charles In Charge vs. 2) The Cosby Show
I only own season 1 of Charles. If they had kept the original family in later seasons, and never let Chaz Lamborghini see the light of day (not once but twice!), it may have been the greatest sitcom ever. Now the door is open for the pudding pop man.
NIT Bound: Benson, Kate & Allie, Mama's Family, Major Dad, The Hogan Family, Amen, and a show that would have probably made the final four if my old roommate Will was doing this bracket--Misfits of Science.
Classic Region
March is over, but there's still a little bit of Madness remaining. Inspired by some entertaining non-traditional brackets on ESPN.com, I wanted to run a fantasy tournament of my own, and after considering YouTube clips, desserts, music videos, and some other options, finally settled on sitcoms. I'm not the first to attempt this, certainly, but I may be the only one to expand the field to 128.
Any "upsets" in a bracket like this are obviously the conceit of the author, since they have power both over the seedings and who advances. In ranking the shows, I tried to seed them according to how they are perceived by the general public, then declaring the sitcom I like better the winner.
I only included shows that I consider true sitcoms: half-hour shows that, ignoring the occasional "special episode," are not meant to be taken seriously. That's why you won't find Chuck, or Psych, or Ally McBeal, or various other quirky hour-long "dramedies" in the tourney. It's possible some of the older shows, or some of the cable shows, don't fit the 30-minute standard, but I didn't want to do the research to find out.
Up first is the "Classic Region:" shows that completed all or most of their run before I had ever heard of them. Thanks to syndication, I am now pretty familiar with many of them. Winners are in bold.
1ST ROUND
1) M*A*S*H* vs. 32) The Munsters
I've never seen an entire episode of M*A*S*H*, but I figure its classic-ness should carry it through at least one round.
16) Bewitched vs. 17) What's Happening!!
I actually liked the Will Ferrell movie version, unlike most.
9) Gilligan's Island vs. 24) The Partridge Family
Sad to see David Cassidy and company bow out this early. Danny Bonaduce doesn't seem to be handling defeat very well. Both of these shows would also do well in a theme song bracket.
8) Leave It To Beaver vs. 25) The Addams Family
This was a tough call, but painful memories of being called Lurch in junior high tipped the scales in the Beav's favor.
5) All In The Family vs. 28) The Monkees
AITF has Meathead, an oft-imitated opening, and Sammy Davis, Jr., kissing a racist. Clearly no match for the fake Beatles.
12) Mary Tyler Moore vs. 21) Taxi
Mary Tyler Moore was/is adorable, her show was about TV, and Andy Kaufman is highly overrated. No contest here. At least it started Tony Danza on a legendary streak of playing characters named Tony.
13) Laverne & Shirley vs. 20) Get Smart
My dad was a big fan of Get Smart. He also really liked Solid Gold. But in this case, his taste was spot on. Sorry Squiggy.
4) Happy Days vs. 29) Sanford and Son
Disappointed that the projected 2nd round matchup with one of their many spinoffs will not take place, the Fonz and company still manage to dispatch of the junkman.
3) I Love Lucy vs. 30) Hogan's Heroes
Nothing's funnier than Nazis and POWs, right? Except for Lucille Ball.
14) Newhart vs. 19) The Jeffersons
Bob Newhart had three shows, I think, in the '70s and '80s that were all named after him in some way. I don't know which is which, or which is better, but I am always entertained by him.
11) The Dick Van Dyke Show vs. 22) Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
The strongest endorsement for Gomer Pyle are the frequent mentions of the show or of Jim Nabors himself on The Simpsons. And the fact that Forrest Gump shamelessly ripped it off.
6) The Honeymooners vs. 27) Green Acres
Two more shows I've never seen an entire episode of.
7) Three's Company vs. 26) The Beverly Hillbillies
Without Three's Company, there may never have been a Friends, or a Seinfeld. Plus it had Don Knotts in it.
10) The Andy Griffith Show vs. 23) I Dream of Jeannie
But only one Don Knotts show will make the 2nd round. My inability to whistle may have factored into this decision.
15) The Odd Couple vs. 18) Welcome Back, Kotter
If Matthau and Lemmon had done the TV show too, they still may have fallen to the Sweathogs and Gabe Kaplan's mustache.
2) The Brady Bunch vs. 31) Good Times
If I could tell the difference between Good Times and What's Happening!!, the Bradys would still win. But maybe if the two shows combined, and the two casts somehow formed one family...
2ND ROUND
1) M*A*S*H* vs. 16) Bewitched
A Hawkeye is more impressive than a nose that can wiggle.
8) Leave It To Beaver vs. 9) Gilligan's Island
Why does everyone want to force you to choose between Ginger and Mary Ann? Don't they realize that when you watch the show you get both?
28) The Monkees vs. 12) Mary Tyler Moore
Davy, Peter, Mickey and Mike appear to be embarking on a George Mason-esque run.
4) Happy Days vs. 20) Get Smart
I'm a fan of shoe phones and Agent 99, but come on...Scott Baio and Mr. Miyagi were minor characters in Happy Days! That's tough to beat.
3) I Love Lucy vs. 14) Newhart
The ambiguity of Newhart's entry hurts his cause here.
6) The Honeymooners vs. 22) Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
The Honeymooners has a pretty simplistic approach, like watching a play on TV, that I really like.
7) Three's Company vs. 23) I Dream of Jeannie
Suzanne Sommers bests Barbara Eden in a battle of the blond bimbos--by a belly button.
2) The Brady Bunch vs. 18) Welcome Back, Kotter
John Travolta and friends get beaten by a nose. Yes, that nose.
3RD ROUND
1) M*A*S*H* vs. 9) Gilligan's Island
Suicide may be painless, but losing to a 9 seed isn't.
4) Happy Days vs. 28) The Monkees
What's the old saying--before you jump the shark, you have to jump the monkey? I think it's something like that.
3) I Love Lucy vs. 6) The Honeymooners
If you want to convince me Honeymooners is the superior show, you've got some serious 'splaining to do!
2) The Brady Bunch vs. 7) Three's Company
The island tiki puts a curse on John Ritter, and the Bradys advance.
REGIONAL SEMIFINALS
9) Gilligan's Island vs. 4) Happy Days
Chuck Cunningham makes a surprise return, and even in sitcom March Madness it's helpful to have someone with basketball skills.
2) The Brady Bunch vs. 3) I Love Lucy
This might be a good time to mention that I consider Lucille Ball the funniest woman of all time. I really do love Lucy.
REGIONAL FINAL
4) Happy Days vs. 3) I Love Lucy
Two great shows that have been the muse for everyone from Weezer to Weird Al. But while I'm not alone in my love for Lucy, only Joanie loves Chachi.
NIT bound: My Mother the Car, Too Close For Comfort, My Favorite Martian, Land of the Lost, Chico and the Man, Father Knows Best, Gidget, My Three Sons
Any "upsets" in a bracket like this are obviously the conceit of the author, since they have power both over the seedings and who advances. In ranking the shows, I tried to seed them according to how they are perceived by the general public, then declaring the sitcom I like better the winner.
I only included shows that I consider true sitcoms: half-hour shows that, ignoring the occasional "special episode," are not meant to be taken seriously. That's why you won't find Chuck, or Psych, or Ally McBeal, or various other quirky hour-long "dramedies" in the tourney. It's possible some of the older shows, or some of the cable shows, don't fit the 30-minute standard, but I didn't want to do the research to find out.
Up first is the "Classic Region:" shows that completed all or most of their run before I had ever heard of them. Thanks to syndication, I am now pretty familiar with many of them. Winners are in bold.
1ST ROUND
1) M*A*S*H* vs. 32) The Munsters
I've never seen an entire episode of M*A*S*H*, but I figure its classic-ness should carry it through at least one round.
16) Bewitched vs. 17) What's Happening!!
I actually liked the Will Ferrell movie version, unlike most.
9) Gilligan's Island vs. 24) The Partridge Family
Sad to see David Cassidy and company bow out this early. Danny Bonaduce doesn't seem to be handling defeat very well. Both of these shows would also do well in a theme song bracket.
8) Leave It To Beaver vs. 25) The Addams Family
This was a tough call, but painful memories of being called Lurch in junior high tipped the scales in the Beav's favor.
5) All In The Family vs. 28) The Monkees
AITF has Meathead, an oft-imitated opening, and Sammy Davis, Jr., kissing a racist. Clearly no match for the fake Beatles.
12) Mary Tyler Moore vs. 21) Taxi
Mary Tyler Moore was/is adorable, her show was about TV, and Andy Kaufman is highly overrated. No contest here. At least it started Tony Danza on a legendary streak of playing characters named Tony.
13) Laverne & Shirley vs. 20) Get Smart
My dad was a big fan of Get Smart. He also really liked Solid Gold. But in this case, his taste was spot on. Sorry Squiggy.
4) Happy Days vs. 29) Sanford and Son
Disappointed that the projected 2nd round matchup with one of their many spinoffs will not take place, the Fonz and company still manage to dispatch of the junkman.
3) I Love Lucy vs. 30) Hogan's Heroes
Nothing's funnier than Nazis and POWs, right? Except for Lucille Ball.
14) Newhart vs. 19) The Jeffersons
Bob Newhart had three shows, I think, in the '70s and '80s that were all named after him in some way. I don't know which is which, or which is better, but I am always entertained by him.
11) The Dick Van Dyke Show vs. 22) Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
The strongest endorsement for Gomer Pyle are the frequent mentions of the show or of Jim Nabors himself on The Simpsons. And the fact that Forrest Gump shamelessly ripped it off.
6) The Honeymooners vs. 27) Green Acres
Two more shows I've never seen an entire episode of.
7) Three's Company vs. 26) The Beverly Hillbillies
Without Three's Company, there may never have been a Friends, or a Seinfeld. Plus it had Don Knotts in it.
10) The Andy Griffith Show vs. 23) I Dream of Jeannie
But only one Don Knotts show will make the 2nd round. My inability to whistle may have factored into this decision.
15) The Odd Couple vs. 18) Welcome Back, Kotter
If Matthau and Lemmon had done the TV show too, they still may have fallen to the Sweathogs and Gabe Kaplan's mustache.
2) The Brady Bunch vs. 31) Good Times
If I could tell the difference between Good Times and What's Happening!!, the Bradys would still win. But maybe if the two shows combined, and the two casts somehow formed one family...
2ND ROUND
1) M*A*S*H* vs. 16) Bewitched
A Hawkeye is more impressive than a nose that can wiggle.
8) Leave It To Beaver vs. 9) Gilligan's Island
Why does everyone want to force you to choose between Ginger and Mary Ann? Don't they realize that when you watch the show you get both?
28) The Monkees vs. 12) Mary Tyler Moore
Davy, Peter, Mickey and Mike appear to be embarking on a George Mason-esque run.
4) Happy Days vs. 20) Get Smart
I'm a fan of shoe phones and Agent 99, but come on...Scott Baio and Mr. Miyagi were minor characters in Happy Days! That's tough to beat.
3) I Love Lucy vs. 14) Newhart
The ambiguity of Newhart's entry hurts his cause here.
6) The Honeymooners vs. 22) Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
The Honeymooners has a pretty simplistic approach, like watching a play on TV, that I really like.
7) Three's Company vs. 23) I Dream of Jeannie
Suzanne Sommers bests Barbara Eden in a battle of the blond bimbos--by a belly button.
2) The Brady Bunch vs. 18) Welcome Back, Kotter
John Travolta and friends get beaten by a nose. Yes, that nose.
3RD ROUND
1) M*A*S*H* vs. 9) Gilligan's Island
Suicide may be painless, but losing to a 9 seed isn't.
4) Happy Days vs. 28) The Monkees
What's the old saying--before you jump the shark, you have to jump the monkey? I think it's something like that.
3) I Love Lucy vs. 6) The Honeymooners
If you want to convince me Honeymooners is the superior show, you've got some serious 'splaining to do!
2) The Brady Bunch vs. 7) Three's Company
The island tiki puts a curse on John Ritter, and the Bradys advance.
REGIONAL SEMIFINALS
9) Gilligan's Island vs. 4) Happy Days
Chuck Cunningham makes a surprise return, and even in sitcom March Madness it's helpful to have someone with basketball skills.
2) The Brady Bunch vs. 3) I Love Lucy
This might be a good time to mention that I consider Lucille Ball the funniest woman of all time. I really do love Lucy.
REGIONAL FINAL
4) Happy Days vs. 3) I Love Lucy
Two great shows that have been the muse for everyone from Weezer to Weird Al. But while I'm not alone in my love for Lucy, only Joanie loves Chachi.
NIT bound: My Mother the Car, Too Close For Comfort, My Favorite Martian, Land of the Lost, Chico and the Man, Father Knows Best, Gidget, My Three Sons
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