Over the top rope

After my last post, and the recent passing of Captain Lou Albano, the WWE is fresh on my brain. Pro wrestling is no stranger to hyperbole--just look for Hulk Hogan promos on YouTube for some great examples--but it usually is limited to the on-camera performers. Last week I saw this recap of a match from the most recent pay-per-view event and felt I had to share it. I often strive to be cheesy and over the top on my blog, but I now have a new standard to reach for. I salute you, Craig Tello.

(I know that most of you won't bother to click the link, so here's the text of the article. Go ahead, read a few paragraphs. You'll thank me later.)

"At Hell in a Cell, The Viper reclaimed the WWE Championship and slithered toward his sixth World Title reign, doling defeat to his rival in John Cena's first-ever bout inside Satan's Structure.

"Since permitting the words "I quit" to seep from his split tongue at WWE Breaking Point, The Viper fittingly molted any skin carrying remnant traces of defeat, just in time for Hell in a Cell.

"Callous, unscrupulous, wicked. Proving that the cold of his blood pales in comparison to the noxiousness of his venom, the serpentine aggressor Orton exceeded his personal limits of malevolence in the Prudential Center.

"After Cena endured the challenger's favored weapon--the RKO--the frustrated Viper tightly constricted his ring rope-wrapped opponent's neck within his coils. With Cena deprived of oxygen circulation, Orton's (legend) killer instincts seized control. He zeroed in on his titleholding target and charged forward with his skull-rattling punt to put away The Champ.

"Worse for wear after equally arduous weeks (and beyond), both individuals entered Hell, though they'd have sworn they'd already driven one another to this fiery destination. Cena, dogged and immune to the Cell-experienced Legend Killer's intimidation tactics, pledged to display a side of himself more vicious than ever once locked within the 20-foot-high steel entrapment. He even vowed to not just defeat, but also destroy his foe.

"But Orton had once before competed in the Satanic construct and danced with its keeper, The Undertaker. Less than one month after surrendering the title to the 12 Rounds star--despite a match spent torturing the resilient, unyielding Cena--The Legacy leader leveraged his familiarity with the Hell in a Cell Match to once again swathe his scaled waist with championship gold.

"After years in which their disparate paths have intersected, never have Orton and Cena so fervently fought as in the recent months, culminating inside the five-ton steel aberration. While the two warriors now stand at five wins a piece in all-time pay-per-view encounters, it is The Viper who once again clutches the prized WWE Championship. But how long will Orton's tenure at the top last before Cena seeks a tie-breaker?"

(In case you were wondering, Randy Orton is not actually a serpent.)