Monday, June 29, 2009

The Jackson 6

Before I get to the sixth installment of the countdown, this seems like a good place to say a few things about Michael Jackson.

I would never say I was a big MJ fan (my earliest memory of him is getting a nose bleed during Captain Eo and having to leave the theater), but that's mainly because I'm more into sports and TV than music. I feel it's not an exaggeration to say he's the most talented entertainer of my lifetime. Sadly, Jackson became nothing more than a punchline since he married Lisa Marie Presley about 15 years ago, but his early career was so good and so prolific that it stacks up well when compared to Elvis or Madonna or U2 or any other pop icon.

Michael's songs are so catchy and so ubiquitous that he's always among the first artists I think of when I want to do a new song parody. I used "Heal the World" and "Beat It" in the ripoff of West Side Story I made for an FHE film festival, and I'm now dusting off a never-finished "Bad" parody as part of my dad's Father's Day present.

His Simpsons appearance was legendary, and was made before it was really trendy for big stars to appear on the show. I've modified his birthday song for Lisa many times when singing to my friends.

As I've mentioned, I don't really listen to music casually, but I enjoy dances. And nobody made better dance music than Michael Jackson. You literally can't help wanting to groove when his songs come on.

Since I'm more into the visual than the aural, it's not a surprise that I like Michael Jackson. He's the king of the music video. He turned average-length songs into epic mini-movies. He got Vincent Price, Marlon Brando, Macauley Culkin, Magic Johnson, Eddie Murphy, and many more to join him on screen. Beyonce could make 20 videos like "Single Ladies," and she still wouldn't have as many people copying her dance moves as there are people who try to teach themselves the "Thriller" routine. He revolutionized the music video medium, and I respect and thank him for that at least as much as I do for his music library.

It's sad to see you go, Michael, but thanks for the memories.

Let's continue the rundown of the residents of MJ's Kingdom of Pop.

#375-351

375. "Linger," Cranberries (1993)
374. "Take On Me," A-Ha (1985)
They have one of the better "literal" videos that have been springing up lately. But certainly not the best.
373. "I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)," Expose (1993)
372. "Ants Marching," Dave Matthews Band (1995)
371. "I Don't Want To Fight," Tina Turner (1993)
370. "Rock Me Amadeus," Falco (1986)
369. "The One," Elton John (1992)
368. "Always Something There To Remind Me," Naked Eyes (1983)
367. "Missing," Everything But The Girl (1996)
366. "(I Just) Died In Your Arms," Cutting Crew (1987)
Will Ferrell and Horatio Sanz did a memorable cover of this song on SNL once. Alas, it doesn't appear to be online.
365. "Hole Hearted," Extreme (1991)
364. "Roll With It," Steve Winwood (1988)
363. "That's The Way Love Goes," Janet Jackson (1993)
362. "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da," The Police (1980)
There was a good joke on Conan last week about Lady Gaga and the Goo Goo Dolls forming the supergroup Gaga Goo Goo. If it ever happens, this should be their first single.
361. "Borderline," Madonna (1983)
360. "Lullaby," Shawn Mullins (1998)
359. "Angel," Sarah McLachlan (1998)
358. "Red Red Wine," UB40 (1984, 1988)
357. "When It's Love," Van Halen (1988)
356. "Church Of The Poison Mind," Culture Club (1983)
355. "I Wonder Why," Curtis Stigers (1991)
354. "Notorious," Duran Duran (1986)
353. "Opposites Attract," Paula Abdul (1990)
Who had a quicker fall from the spotlight--MC Skat Kat or Brian Dunkleman?
352. "Shout," Tears For Fears (1985)
351. "Dangerous," Roxette (1990)

I'm hoping to have more and better commentary next week.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Harry Potter and the Order of the Pophits

Full report of my recent hot dog escapade coming soon. In the meantime, here's the fifth installment of the '80s and '90s countdown.

#400-376

400. "Always," Bon Jovi (1994)
399. "Love Will Never Do Without You," Janet Jackson (1990)
398. "Another Day In Paradise," Phil Collins (1989)
397. "Dancing With Myself," Billy Idol (1984)
396. "Something To Talk About," Bonnie Raitt (1991)
I don't think I have much to talk about with this week's list.
395. "When The Children Cry," White Lion (1989)
394. "Someday," Mariah Carey (1990)
393. "Now And Forever," Richard Marx (1993)
392. "If You Love Somebody (Set Them Free)," Sting (1985)
391. "Don't Wanna Fall In Love," Jane Child (1990)
390. "Kyrie," Mr. Mister (1986)
One of the songs I considered when working on John Kerry parody songs during the '04 election (but "Carry On Wayward Son" worked out much better--not that it ended up mattering...).
389. "Breakfast At Tiffany's," Deep Blue Something (1995)
What about it?
388. "Take My Breath Away," Berlin (1986)
When you hear this song, you probably think of "Top Gun." I think of this.
387. "Panama," Van Halen (1984)
386. "Freedom 90," George Michael (1990)
Probably my favorite song from this batch.
385. "The End Of The Innocence," Don Henley (1989)
384. "Wishing Well," Terence Trent D'Arby (1988)
Is he Milli Vanilli's cousin? You be the judge.
383. "If You Asked Me To," Celine Dion (1992)
382. "Burning Down The House," Talking Heads (1983)
381. "As I Lay Me Down," Sophie B. Hawkins (1995)
380. "Black Or white," Michael Jackson (1991)
379. "All I Need Is A Miracle," Mike & the Mechanics (1986)
Another delightfully cheesy '80s video.
378. "How Do You Talk To An Angel," Heights (1992)
377. "The River Of Dreams," Billy Joel (1993)
376. "Love In An Elevator," Aerosmith (1989)

Wow. A lot of stinkers in this section. Hopefully next week will be more interesting.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Ants marching back in time

Oh, how the mind can wander. Saturday morning I was shaving in the bathroom, when my roommate began blasting "It's A Hard-Knock Life" from Annie.

This reminded me of my freshman year at BYU in the dorms, when there was about a two-week period where Jason Lee would play, very loudly, Jay-Z's version of that song literally six or seven times in a row every afternoon. It was very annoying, but not so much that I would leave my door shut and risk appearing unsocial.

As I continued shaving and reminiscing, I randomly recalled a time when I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom (we had just one for our entire floor), and another guy was shaving. Our softspoken RA, James (a 6'6", 320-pound mountain of a man) emerged from the shower (in his robe, thankfully) and commented to my sink neighbor, "Always shave up and down. Never side to side."

The shaver, who happened to be the Elders Quorum President and probably the nicest guy I've ever met, looked confused for a minute, but finally managed to say, "Good advice." James left the bathroom. The awkwardness was over.

Oh, that shaver's name? Dave Matthews! Kind of weird that I remembered this random story now, but was unable to remember my friend Dave when I wrote this post last year.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Talk show populism

In my last post I alluded to my propensity to stick with things that are serial in nature once I start them, even if those things are of poor quality. I have at least one current example: Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. It's not a traditional serial--you can watch any episode without having seen the previous one and it doesn't matter--but it is a "series," and the fact that I've been watching since the very first episode helps it fit into this category.

The show is not that great. I hate how Jimmy calls everyone "pal," and how he says he "loves [blank] so much" where [blank] is every single guest and every single project his guests are involved in. As I feared before he took over Conan's gig, he's a terrible interviewer, talking too fast and interrupting his guests to tell a story about himself. There's also a ridiculous amount of product placement, and I don't care for the frequent segments aimed at the young, hip demographic (understandable because I'm older and much less hip than said desired demographic).

All that being said...the host and show have improved immensely since the first few weeks. The monologues are getting better, the games and comedy bits are funny more often, and occasionally the guests interviews click (usually when Jimmy is talking to one of his former SNL castmates). But often, when I'm watching, I still feel like I'm wasting my time, and only watching because it's become a habit.

However, all of the frustrating and cringe-worthy moments paid off a few weeks ago, when Fallon pulled off a bit of comedic genius (with a big assist from one of our old friends). Check it out.

Pretty great, no? There must be a fountain of youth in The Max. Zack looks exactly the same. And you'd better believe I'll watch any future Saved By The Bell reunion.

Mr. Fallon seems to have gone to great lengths to make his version of Late Night different than Conan O'Brien's (a wise move, since Conan is much funnier, and at least at this point is a much better overall host). But this grass roots pop culture nostalgia is ripped right out of Conan's playbook.

In high school I watched Conan almost every night, at least the monologue and first segment or two (hoping for a Pimpbot 5000 appearance). In the summer of '97, Conan embarked on a hilarious campaign to get Dirty Dancing rereleased in theaters for its tenth anniversary. Unfortunately, I can't find any video of his nightly petitions, or what happened when his crusade worked, but this is a pretty good summary.

It was so funny, the way Conan turned his back on the late, great Jerry Orbach, Ferris Bueller's sister, and the rest of the cast. Something tells me Jimmy Fallon isn't setting the Bayside gang up for embarrassment--at least not any additional embarrassment beyond that which would come naturally from being seen with Dustin Diamond--but if he is, I will take back every negative thing I've said about the new Late Night host.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

New York: The Vampire State

It rained pretty much all day today. Unfortunately, I was out in the soup for a while. I was supposed to meet someone in Union Square to sell them a phone; they were running late, and I kindly agreed to wait for them.

To pass the time, I browsed in the Strand Bookstore. It was extremely cluttered and claustrophobic as usual, but quiet. Nothing to indicate that apparently, just an hour or two earlier, some pretty crazy stuff went down.

It's nice that, now that TRL is gone, local teen girls still have outlets for their unbridled, media-created enthusiasm. I'm also glad that the film crew had packed up and left by the time I got there, helping me avoid potential tramplings by crazed fans or, worse yet, having to wait at a less interesting place like Whole Foods or Shoe Mania.

It seems like Cedric Diggory wasn't seriously hurt, so I feel ok making jokes about this. If he had actually been hit hard, I wonder if any of the starstruck girls would've said, "Don't worry. He'll be fine. He's a vampire! He's immortal!" Thank goodness it was a taxi and not a garlic truck.

By the way...I have been successful so far in my efforts to avoid reading the Twilight books or seeing the movies. I have nothing against them, I just don't think I would like them--but if I read one book I would probably read all of them. It's my nature. A few years ago I watched every episode of The Search For The Next Doll, for crying out loud. It's best if I just stay away.

So Mr. Pattinson, I'm glad you're all right. And if you shoot any scenes for your movie across the street from Strand at Max Brenner, there will probably be at least one 29-year-old guy mixed in amongst all the tweens.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

There can be only one wiener

Yesterday I undertook what I'm sure will be my final "cram" session before Saturday's dog devouring.

The meal: six hot dogs (once again, "jumbo" franks) and buns. The time: 5 minutes, 42 seconds. Once again, substantial improvement over the previous practice round. I now feel confident that I can eat ten dogs in ten minutes. That's the goal I've set for myself. It won't be good enough to win, but it seems like a respectable number (according to this page, some competitors in the big July 4 contest last year were as low as 14).

I will be certain to give a full report of the masticating mayhem afterwards. I'd like to include pictures, but that means someone else will need to be there with me. If you'd like to be the videographer for my competitive eating debut, or you just want to see me gorge myself in a different borough for a change, here's the pertinent info.

Date: Saturday, June 20
Time: 3:00 PM
Place: Citi Field (the Mets' new stadium in Queens; the contest will take place outside the stadium between the Jackie Robinson Rotunda (the main entrance) and the train station)
To get there, catch the 7 train from Times Square; Citi Field is the penultimate stop on that line. It will probably take a little over an hour to get there from Harlem/Washington Heights/Inwood.

And why wouldn't you want to come? There's few things that make for more fascinating theater and spectacle than this, right?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Episode IV: A New Hope, Some More Old Songs

Here's more of the '80s and '90s countdown I've been running the last few weeks. There's some good ones here.

#425-401

425. "Tom's Diner," DNA featuring Suzanne Vega (1990)
Tom's Diner is, of course, the "Seinfeld" restaurant. If you go there, order off the breakfast menu. Their sandwiches and burgers are pretty mediocre.
424. "Simply Irresistible," Robert Palmer (1988)
Realizing his "band" wasn't actually playing their instruments in the "Addicted To Love" video, here Palmer lets his backup do what they do best.
423. "Manic Monday," Bangles (1986)
422. "Cover Me," Bruce Springsteen (1984)
421. "Baby Baby," Amy Grant (1991)
This is almost certainly my mom's favorite of these 500 songs.
420. "Never Say Goodbye," Bon Jovi (1987)
As I wrote a few weeks ago in my post on song titles, this is my favorite JBJ ballad.
419. "Soldier Of Love," Donny Osmond (1989)
Ah yes, Donny's brief pop resurgence. My younger sister is a huge Donny fan, so when I worked for Marie Osmond I asked if she could get my sister a signed picture of her brother. Instead, Marie gave a signed picture of herself, saying my sis Chelsea should think of it as "Donny with long hair." Chelsea framed it and still keeps it in her room. It's weird, because Donny obviously has no problem giving away his picture--his son Brandon was once in my ward, and one night his dad brought a life-sized picture of himself in his Broadway Gaston get-up for Brandon to hang in his apartment. Sorry to cram all this Donny stuff into one entry, but he will definitely NOT be making another appearance on this countdown.
418. "One," U2 (1992)
417. "Send Me An Angel," Real Life (1983, 1989)
Just last night, I heard someone say "send me an e-mail," and immediately broke out into this song, replacing the last word of the title. It was definitely not the first time this has happened.
416. "Something Happened On The Way To Heaven," Phil Collins (1990)
415. "Purple Rain," Prince (1984)
414. "Walking On Broken Glass," Annie Lennox (1992)
This is a very good song. I have no jokes.
413. "Photograph," Def Leppard (1983)
412. "You Gotta Be," Des'ree (1994)
411. "Second Chance," .38 Special (1989)
I never realized until just now that this song is from the same group that did "Hold On Loosely." You learn something new every day.
410. "Don't Turn Around," Ace of Base (1994)
409. "Forever Young," Alphaville (1985, 1988)
This was the theme to one of the big formal dances in high school, but I can't remember which one.
408. "She's A Bad Mama Jama," Carl Carlton (1981)
With a name like that, I figured he'd be from Wales (the land of Evan Evans, William Williams, etc.), but it turns out he's not. I think it's great that that link points out he is not to be confused with this guy.
407. "I Go To Extremes," Billy Joel (1990)
Off the album "Storm Front"...the first cassette I ever purchased.
406. "How Will I Know," Whitney Houston (1986)
405. "The One I Love," R.E.M.
404. "Close To You," Maxi Priest (1990)
403. "Crazy," Aerosmith (1994)
402. "Come Undone," Duran Duran (1993)
Parts of this song sound just like Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent," which was probably the most popular song on the radio station at the time they compiled this list in 2003. There's a new guy in my ward named Dan Duran. I assumed he receives many comments about his name's similarity to Simon Le Bon's band, but I wanted to be original...so on the last fast Sunday I asked him if he was "hungry like the wolf." He said he had never heard that one before. Mission accomplished.
401. "Burning Up," Madonna (1983)
I don't know if I had ever heard this one before.

Back with more songs next week!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dog-ged pursuit of a dream

As I prepare for my competitive eating debut, I continue to make slow and steady improvement. (Unfortunately, since my hot-dog eating contest is just ten days, there's not much time left for gradual progress.)

I amped things up a little for yesterday's practice session: six dogs and buns. I downed them in 7:12 (and I had the last bite in my mouth at about 6:45, which I think is all that matters when the buzzer sounds in the real thing), practically the same time it took me to eat four in my first timed attempt. This time I finished four in less than four minutes, then really slowed down on the last two.

I also ate "jumbo" dogs, which will hopefully work like taking practice swings with a donut on your bat (mmm, donut), and the regular-sized dogs will seem really easy on game day. (Or maybe every brand of dog has a different definition of jumbo, and this had no effect at all.)

Regardless, I've realized that going through this process has finally made me a passing Hulkamaniac. I've always said my prayers, but struggled with the training and taking vitamins demandments. Thanks, brother, for not specifying what kind of training; now I'm hitting two out of three (three out of four if you include "believing in yourself," the Raven-Symone-showing-up-on-the-Cosby-Show of Hulk's demandments--that's a solid C!).

So anyway...I'm not expecting to win (I guess I don't believe in myself all the time). I think I've said it before--I'm not the best at speedy consumption, but I'd be great at endurance eating. Which is why my brother and I both love the concept behind the show Man vs. Food, and we're very upset that we didn't come up with the idea first.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Now That's What I Call '80s and '90s Vol. 3

#450-426

450. "Streets of Philadelphia," Bruce Springsteen (1993)
449. "Kiss Me Deadly," Lita Ford (1988)
448. "All 4 Love," Color Me Badd (1991)
Words spelled with numbers, typos in the band name...what a grammatical nightmare!
447. "Two Steps Behind," Def Leppard (1993)
446. "P.Y.T.," Michael Jackson (1983)
Finally, a song I actually like. One of the King of Pop's best.
445. "Faithful," Go West (1992)
Wait...was Go West actually a two-hit wonder? This is their only song I know.
444. "I Heard A Rumor," Bananarama (1987)
If the rumor you're referring to is that Keren of Bananarama married Andrew Ridgeley (the other guy in Wham!), it's actually true!
443. "More Than Words Can Say," Alias (1990)
Not to be confused with Extreme's "More Than Words." Way to get creative with your lyrics, hair bands!
442. "Ain't Nobody," Chaka Khan (1983)
441. "The Living Years," Mike & the Mechanics (1989)
440. "Un-break My Heart," Toni Braxton (1996)
Heard Toni sing live when I went to the "Dancing With the Stars" tour. I don't think any young Dallas Mavericks superstars would be fighting over her now.
439. "Modern Love," David Bowie (1983)
The song that turned me into a Bowie fan. It's awesome.
438. "Crush On You," The Jets (1986)
I wonder what happened to The Jets? I also wonder where they would've ranked if my old roommate Will and I had ever followed through with our goal of creating a series on the "Top 500 Mormon Pop Culture Icons."
437. "Eyes Without A Face," Billy Idol (1984)
436. "Joyride," Roxette (1991)
Why do I love Roxette and ABBA so much, yet don't care for their fellow Swedes Ace of Base? Hmmm.
435. "Oh Sheila," Ready For the World (1985)
434. "One Week," Barenaked Ladies (1998)
Make note of your favorite line from this song in the comments. Mine is probably the one about Chinese chicken.
433. "Always Be My Baby," Mariah Carey (1996)
432. "Head Over Feet," Alanis Morissette (1996)
A surprisingly calm and sweet song that would've fit in more with the stuff she's done this decade, which I actually like much more than her angry stuff.
431. "Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough," Patty Smyth/Don Henley (1992)
430. "What You Need," INXS (1986)
429. "Again," Janet Jackson (1993)
Not the same song as "Together Again." This one is not nearly as good to dance to.
428. "Somebody," Bryan Adams (1985)
427. "Open Your Heart," Madonna (1987)
426. "Downtown Train," Rod Stewart (1989)

Back with more next week! (And I may blog about something else in between, but no guarantees.)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Memorial Day Megahits Vol. 2

Check out the previous post if you're not sure what this is all about.

#475-451

475. "Crush," Dave Matthews Band (1999)
474. "Black Cat," Janet Jackson (1990)
473. "Wanted Dead Or Alive," Bon Jovi (1987)
A great song, but the opposite version might be even better.
472. "The Power Of Love," Celine Dion (1994)
No, this is not a cover of the Huey Lewis classic.
471. "What It Takes," Aerosmith (1990)
470. "Tell It To My Heart," Taylor Dayne (1987)
469. "Should've Known Better," Richard Marx (1987)
Am I the only one who used to confuse Richard Marx with Kenny Loggins?
468. "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)," En Vogue (1992)
467. "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me," Billy Joel (1980)
I've been reading "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" by my current favorite writer, Chuck Klosterman. His best essay in that book discusses Joel's rare feat: he's a rock star who manages to be great without being cool. Check it out if you can.
466. "Sunny Came Home," Shawn Colvin (1997)
I know Shawn best as Rachel Jordan, her Christian rocker character on "The Simpsons," where she cleverly pointed out that if a Christian musician wants to go mainstream they just have to change their lyrics from "Jesus" to "baby."
465. "Electric Blue," Icehouse (1988)
464. "Lost In Emotion," Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam (1987)
463. "The Final Countdown," Europe (1987)
Nowhere near the end of the countdown, actually. This is the only ringtone I've ever bought, and this is why.
462. "Wannabe," Spice Girls (1997)
My friends Jerrett, Mathew and I once wore wigs and performed a new version of this song (as the "Spice Boys") to ask girls to dances in high school. Amazingly, they said yes. Zig-a-zig ah!
461. "Tears In Heaven," Eric Clapton (1992)
460. "Groove Is In The Heart," Dee-Lite (1990)
459. "I Hate Myself For Loving You," Joan Jett & The Blackhearts (1988)
458. "End Of The Road," Boyz II Men (1992)
457. "Blister In The Sun," Violent Femmes (1982)
456. "Bed Of Roses," Bon Jovi (1993)
455. "That's What Love Can Do," Boy Krazy (1993)
I had no idea who Boy Krazy is, but it turns out they have a minor WWE connection. Who knew? This is the video for their song. They kind of remind me of a skinnier Wilson Phillips.
454. "When I See You Smile," Bad English (1989)
453. "What's Up," 4 Non Blondes (1992)
Calm down, Joey. This is just one radio station's opinion. You don't need to break stuff.
452. "It Ain't Over Til It's Over," Lenny Kravitz (1991)
451. "Chains Of Love," Erasure (1988)