Monday, May 25, 2009

A memorial decades in the making

Several of my recent posts have featured my first stint in New York, as an intern in the spring of 2003, or what I consider "classic" music. This one will combine the two.

Back in '03, the NY radio station I set my alarm to ran a "Top 500 Songs of the '80s and '90s" countdown over Memorial Day weekend (I'm pretty sure I've referenced this list on my blog before). We're now far enough removed from the era that perhaps the songs from the late '90s can be judged properly (seriously, how could you know where to rank a song on a list like this when it was less than five years old?). So, on Memorial Day 2009, it seems like a good time to revisit the rankings.

It doesn't appear that the list still exists online, but fortunately I printed out a copy back in the day. I'm going to break it up into 25-song segments, and post one each week (including funny video links and my commentary, of course) until we reach the top spot. Let the nostalgia commence!

#500-#476

500. "Lay Your Hands On Me," Bon Jovi (1989)
Good thing I didn't use this one in my last post; that would've been overkill.
499. "My Favorite Mistake," Sheryl Crow (1999)
As we go through the list, make sure to leave comments about your favorite mistakes, whether they be ranked way too high or way too low.
498. "Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Car)," Billy Ocean (1988)
If any of my blog readers were basketball fans, I'd point out how much Billy looks like Michael Finley. Instead, I'll merely note that I love the late-'80s live-action-meets-animation craze.
497. "867-5309/Jenny," Tommy Tutone (1982)
Whenever I've chosen my own ATM pin number, I've gone with 5309. (But I didn't choose my current one, so please don't steal my wallet.)
496. "Just A Girl," No Doubt (1996)
A good song, but I like this Gwen Stefani song and video much better.
495. "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off," Jermaine Stewart (1986)
I love song titles that sound like they're made up.
494. "Talking In Your Sleep," The Romantics (1984)
I guess (gasp!) I won't have something to say about every song.
493. "Causing A Commotion," Madonna (1987)
492. "Whip It," Devo (1980)
The original video is fun and iconic, but this cover is so much better.
491. "Everything Falls Apart," Dog's Eye View (1996)
You haven't thought of this song since 1997, have you?
490. "I'm Your Baby Tonight," Whitney Houston (1990)
489. "This Time," Bryan Adams (1983)
488. "She Blinded Me With Science," Thomas Dolby (1985)
Dolby seems to like videos featuring psychiatric sessions--it's the theme of "She Blinded Me" as well as this one, my favorite of his songs.
487. "Cold Hearted," Paula Abdul (1989)
Not the one with Keanu in the video. Darn.
486. "Heartbreaker," Pat Benatar (1980)
485. "U Got The Look," Prince/Sheena Easton (1987)
484. "Faithfully," Journey (1983)
483. "Emotions," Mariah Carey (1991)
482. "Wrapped Around Your Finger," The Police (1984)
481. "I Want You," Savage Garden (1997)
Yes, this is the "chica cherry cola" song.
480. "Sexual Healing," Marvin Gaye (1983)
479. "I Want To Come Over," Melissa Etheridge (1995)
478. "I Need To Know," Marc Anthony (1999)
This song brings back memories of my BYU social dance classes. Where have you gone, Kelli Towers?
477. "Naughty Naughty," John Parr (1984)
476. "Dress You Up," Madonna (1985)
Madonna already has two appearances. As we go through this list, we'll probably see that, just like in real life, Madge won't go away.

The countdown continues next week!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Song titles

I was at a friend's apartment recently and saw a new compilation CD she had purchased. I looked at the back, and noted that I had heard of less than half of the participating artists (and have only actually heard any songs from about half of that half). This wasn't too surprising; I'm not much of a fan of this decade's music offerings (although I heard a band named Phoenix on SNL a few weeks ago, and really liked this song).

To overcompensate for my lack of interest in and knowledge of modern music, here's an adaptation of a note I posted on my Facebook profile this week. I got the idea from my friend Amy, but I'm not sure where she found it. She did it just once, using The Beatles, but I came up with three sets of answers--the first using my favorite band from high school, the second and third using the bands I would most like to see in concert right now (even though they're both past their prime). I'll also add some links for some of the better/more obscure songs used below, which weren't included in the Facebook version.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.

I picked: QUEEN

Are you male or female: "White Man"
Describe yourself: "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy"
How do you feel about yourself: "I'm Going Slightly Mad"
Describe where you currently live: "Tenement Funster" (that might be a bit extreme, but it is kinda ghetto; at least I didn't use "Sleeping On The Sidewalk" or "Great King Rat")
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: "I Want To Break Free" (one of the weirdest videos ever)
Your best friend is: "You're My Best Friend" (sometimes you can't avoid the obvious ones)
Your favorite color is: "Black Queen"
You know that: "The Show Must Go On"
What's the weather like: "Under Pressure" (I had to get this song on the list somewhere--it's my favorite Queen song--and I'm ok making a forced barometric connection to do it)
Your ideal mate: "She Makes Me (Stormtrooper In Stilettos)" The song isn't great, but it's hard to beat the imagery of a chick who looks good and kicks butt.
Describe your friends: "Good Company" (the video is fantastic)
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: If I wanted people in my neighborhood to watch, I'd make a show called "Fat Bottomed Girls," but a much better fit for me would be "Play The Game." Especially if I got to hold one of those old school skinny microphones while hosting said show.
What is life to you: "A Kind Of Magic"
What is the best advice you have to give: "Keep Yourself Alive" (probably Queen's most underrated song, and, I've just learned, it was their very first single)
If you could change your name, what would it be: I wanted to choose Flash Gordon, but the song is actually called "Flash's Theme," so I'll go with "Radio Ga-Ga." Maybe that way I could take advantage of people thinking I was Lady GaGa's brother or something. (Hmm, turns out that's actually where she got her name from...thanks for ruining my joke, Lady!)
Your favorite food is: "Another One Bites The Dust" (not many choices for this one)
Your favorite drink is: "Rain Must Fall" (or this one)
Your favorite hang-out is: "Bohemian Rhapsody" (that does actually sound like a potential name for a club or bar, and the song belongs on here somewhere, but I'm pretty sure I would actually feel pretty out of place at any establishment with that name)
Your first words: "Now I'm Here"
Your last words: "It's Late"
What do you want on your tombstone: So many relevant choices here. The obvious one is "Another One Bites The Dust," but I already used it. "All Dead, All Dead," "I Can't Live With You," "Sheer Heart Attack" and "Only The Good Die Young" would also make sense. But my belief in the afterlife (and the fact that it's my favorite Queen song that does not feature David Bowie) makes "Don't Stop Me Now" the most appropriate selection. And I also like the highly inappropriate version.

Okay, let's do the whole thing over again.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.

I picked: BON JOVI

Are you male or female: "Put The Boy Back In Cowboy"
Describe yourself: "Wanted Dead Or Alive"
How do you feel about yourself: "In And Out Of Love"
Describe where you currently live: NYC is way more than a "Two Story Town." I don't enjoy climbing the stairs to the 4th floor every time I come home, but still "I Love This Town."
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: "Welcome To Wherever You Are" (I'm pretty easily contented, and not much of a traveller)
Your best friend is: "I'll Be There For You"
Your favorite color is: "Blood On Blood"
You know that: "All I Want Is Everything"
What's the weather like: We're reaching the time of year when it's "99 In The Shade," but still, "Have A Nice Day."
Your ideal mate: "She's A Mystery"
Describe your friends: "Never Say Goodbye" (the best old JBJ ballad)
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: "It's My Life" (not too creative, but if you want to attract viewers you need a title that lets people know what the show is about, plus it's a good place to link to this--if you only click one link in this post, make it this one)
What is life to you: "(You Want To) Make A Memory" (the best new JBJ ballad, and probably my favorite song of the last five years--it WILL be played at my wedding reception)
What is the best advice you have to give: The advice I most want to give is "Let It Rock," but the best I could give is "Keep The Faith."
If you could change your name, what would it be: "Captain Crash And The Beauty Queen From Mars"
Your favorite food is: "Little Bit Of Soul" (especially chicken and waffles, with some peach cobbler)
Your favorite drink is: "Bad Medicine"
Your favorite hang-out is: "Open All Night" (Denny's!)
Your first words: "You Had Me From Hello"
Your last words: "I'd Die For You" (I thought it was just a figure of speech!)
What do you want on your tombstone: Again, plenty of good choices, including "Who Says You Can't Go Home," "Hey God," and "Love Me Back To Life," but I like "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead."

One more time!

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.

I picked: HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS

Are you male or female: "He Don't Know" (I like how this simultaneously answers and doesn't answer the question)
Describe yourself: "I Ain't Perfect"
How do you feel about yourself: "Hip To Be Square"
Describe where you currently live: "Once Upon A Time In New York City"
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: "Cruisin'" (probably my favorite song that we played when I worked on Marie Osmond's radio show; there really ought to be more karaoke-based movies)
Your best friend is: "My Other Woman" (my best friends from high school and college are now only in my life electronically; most of my close friends now are women)
Your favorite color is: "Honky Tonk Blues" (it's a cover, but my choices were limited)
You know that: "I Know What I Like"
What's the weather like: "Bad Is Bad"
Your ideal mate: "You Crack Me Up"
Describe your friends: "Stuck With You"
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: "Workin' For A Livin'" (because it's a fictional version of my life, plus I needed to include this song)
What is life to you: "The Power Of Love" (couldn't find a better spot for this classic tune)
What is the best advice you have to give: "Stop Trying"
If you could change your name, what would it be: "Bobo Tempo"
Your favorite food is: "Pineapple Express" (yes, the soundtrack king has been at it again recently)
Your favorite drink is: "You Left The Water Running"
Your favorite hang-out is: "Finally Found A Home"
Your first words: "Do You Believe In Love" (some of my former improv colleagues once made a cool video using this song, but I can't find it anywhere online--boo!)
Your last words: "I Want A New Drug"
What do you want on your tombstone: I'm not someone who wonders "If This Is It." My tombstone will say "We're Not Here For A Long Time (We're Here For A Good Time)." And listening to these three bands will give you plenty of good times.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The bandwagon is getting crowded

After Saturday night's adult session of stake conference (apparently I'm the only one who thinks calling it the "adult session" makes it sound a little dirty), I found myself at a table at Shake Shack with one friend and two friends of friends. As we were getting acquainted, we had the following humorous exchange:

New friend: What do you do?

Me: Whatever I want, because I'm unemployed.

New friend: Just like half of America.

Me: Yeah, but I was doing it before it was trendy.

It's funny (and sad) because it's true.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A picture is worth 1000 calories

[Yesterday I checked out this chip shop in Brooklyn, the first place I've found outside of Scotland that offers battered, deep-fried pizza. Unlike what you see below, they sell fried pizza by the slice. And it was awesome. So awesome that I was inspired to bring out the latest installment in my occasional series in which I recycle posts from other blogs. I originally posted this under the same title on the old Laugh Out Loud blog on September 20, 2006.]

Right now you're looking at a little bit of heaven: a battered, fried pizza and a Mars bar prepared the same way. I added the can of Irn Bru to give the photo a more authentic look; I actually don't care for that particular beverage, but it's as popular as Coke in the United Kingdom.

Last month the company I work for sent me on an all-expenses paid vacation, er, business trip to Scotland for two weeks. I spent two years in Scotland as a missionary and loved my time there, and have been wanting to go back pretty much ever since I got home 5 years ago, so getting this work assignment made me pretty excited.

Knowing that the work I had to do and the place I had to do it in would keep me from doing much sightseeing or from visiting old friends, this fried bounty was one of the things I most looked forward to about my trip. Biting into a battered Mars or Snickers bar is euphoric. I can feel my teeth rotting as I suck it down, but I don't care. If you have a good batter recipe and a deep fryer, I highly recommend trying to make your own (try a battered Cadbury Cream Egg--now that's good eatin'). It probably won't be quite as good as the authentic one pictured above, but it's better than eating a boring old candy bar. The Creamery on Ninth used to have a fried candy bar sundae (maybe they've brought it back, I haven't been there much the last few years) which is pretty good too.

By the way...I gained about 30 pounds on my mission and my belly has continued to balloon since then. Anyone surprised?

So...the question might be asked, why write about this now, when I've been back from my trip for almost a month? And what does this have to do with Laugh Out Loud? Here are a few reasons:

1) I'm a procrastinator.
2) I used my brother's camera on my trip, and didn't have time to download the pictures after. He just sent me a CD with the pictures I took on them (thanks, Der-dude).
3) It has nothing to do with Laugh Out Loud, but I have nothing to write about LOL this week.
4) There's very little proof that more than two or three people actually look at this blog, so unless I hear objections I'm just going to write about whatever I want. And today I wanted to write about junk food.

So there.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Getting better

Today's practice round: four hot dogs and buns, consumed in 5 1/2 minutes. Not great, but certainly an improvement.

The key to future improvement is found in the last paragraph of this column. Believe me, I'm working on it.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

From the home office in Times Square

I was going through some of my old papers and found a relic from my 2003 internship, the first time I came to New York. I was part of a group of 30-40 interns from BYU, and before we all returned to school we had a going-away party of sorts.

At the party, I presented awards based on junior high-style ballots I had distributed a week earlier (Best Dressed, Most Likely to Appear on Broadway, Most Likely to Get Lost on the Subway, etc.). I also unveiled a top 10 list I created for the event, which I am resurrecting here (this will be much funnier if you're a Mormon, have lived in Provo, and are familiar with the musicals that were running six years ago).

TOP 10 PROVO SPINOFFS OF BROADWAY SHOWS

10) Chicosmo
9) The Producers of Children
8) Phantom of the HFAC
7) Aida Lot: The Freshman 15
6) Movin' Out of Liberty Square
5) Mamma Mia-Maid
4) Man of the Malt Shoppe
3) The Play What I Stole Off the Internet (this one is pretty obscure; we were mostly Comms interns, and this happened while we were there, so it was relevant to us)
2) Thoroughly Mormon Millie
1) Take Me Out--Please--I'm About to Graduate and I'm Not Married!

You may now tell me how funny I am.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Grand slammed

It's been over a month since I found out, and I can finally write about this calmly. On March 31 my friend David texted me, informing me that Denny's had discontinued their peanut butter pie (I'm pretty sure the D grade is for "delicious"). I assumed this was a cruel April Fools joke, but he assured me he was serious.

It looks like he's right--there's several new cheesecake options that look tasty, but no PB pie. It's bad enough Denny's no longer has a buffet (classically referenced here, around the 3:15 mark); now they get rid of the number one superhunk?

(Oh, I refer to the desserts at Denny's as superhunks. This is in reference to a classic Simpsons scene, in which Marge is on trial for shoplifting. The exchange goes something like this:

Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, who do you find more attractive--Tom Cruise, or Mel Gibson?
Judge: What is the point of all this?
Prosecutor: Your Honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson's guilt, I can waste the court's time rating the superhunks!
Lionel Hutz (Marge's lawyer): Wow, he's gonna win.

One night after seeing that episode, David and I and some others went to Denny's and started equating actors to desserts. I can't remember which was which, but I'm sure the apple crisp was the superhunk we felt was most underrated. The peanut butter pie was definitely my favorite, though.)

When I was at Denny's with friends and we were in a dessert mood, I'd nearly always suggest the peanut butter pie. If just three people wanted it, it was cheaper to buy a whole pie, which meant six slices, which meant I was likely to end up with more than one. But now it's gone forever. I'd like to drown my sorrows in a lumberjack slam or some moons over my hammy, but there are no Denny's in New York City.

Sharing this vaguely related anecdote might cheer me up a little, though. I recently got a text (I don't text much, despite what this post indicates) from my friend Jen, who lives in Seattle, telling me she met my friend David (a different David), who I wrote with on the BYU paper, and later on he was in my ward. He once told this story during an Elders Quorum lesson.

Seems David was on a group date (four or five couples, I think) at a restaurant, which I'm pretty sure was IHOP. One of the other guys looked at David and asked, "are we going to pay together or pay separately?"

"Separately."

The two guys were briefly confused as everyone else at the table closed their eyes, folded their arms and bowed their heads...only in Utah, right? Probably. Man, I could go for some peanut butter pie right now.