18 and life

Thanks to my return to the workforce and my sister's wedding last week, I've hardly been online at all lately. This post is only going up first because I typed it up months ago, and only had to come back and add the intro, and make sure I didn't have any extra jokes or links to add. Those other promised posts are coming soon, though.

#75-51

75. “Love Shack,” B-52s (1989)
The first concert I ever attended was a B-52s show (also featuring The Pretenders and Royal Crown Revue, but the Love Shackers were definitely the main attraction). A notable achievement, since I can still count the number of concerts I've attended on my fingers.
74. “The Freshmen,” Verve Pipe (1997)
I heard right, surprisingly, that the freshmen felt they should be absolved of blame because "she was touching her face," but not so much when I heard their other justification--"she fell in love in the forest place."
73. “Jessie’s Girl,” Rick Springfield (1981)
I think it's safe to say that this is the top song on this list, if not ever, that uses the word "moot."
72. “Together Again,” Janet Jackson (1998)
This was my favorite song to cha-cha to in freshman social dance. I was infatuated with my teacher, who was extremely attractive, and it didn't help that she was, you know, always touching her face.
71. “Right Here Waiting,” Richard Marx (1989)
70. “What Do All The People Know,” Monroes (1982)
This is the highest ranked song on the list that I didn't recognize by its name, and I'm actually not sure if I had ever heard it before preparing this post.
69. “Because You Loved Me,” Celine Dion (1996)
68. “Tainted Love,” Soft Cell (1982)
Rihanna never looked or sounded better than in this video, which samples "Tainted Love." Then she chopped her hair off and became a superduperstar.
67. “Strong Enough,” Sheryl Crow (1995)
66. “Need You Tonight,” INXS (1987)
65. “Flashdance,” Irene Cara (1983)
64. “All Star,” Smash Mouth (1999)
63. “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing,” Aerosmith (1998)
62. “Another One Bites The Dust,” Queen (1980)
This song featured prominently (due to its supposed backmasking message urging everyone to smoke marijuana, which is decidedly less harmful than the overt lyrics about a kid who goes on a killing spree) on my favorite talk-tape of all time, "The Occult and Rock and Roll," by a man named Lynn Bryson. We listened to it all the time on my mission. I would love to have a copy, but can never find it at DI or on eBay or anything. In fact, I can barely even find a reference to it online. If anyone can help I'd be very appreciative.
61. “Kiss Me,” Sixpence None The Richer (1999)
60. “Heaven,” Bryan Adams (1985)
The techno version of this song is probably my second favorite of that entire genre. This is #1.
59. “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” Cyndi Lauper (1984)
I mentioned this a few weeks ago, but again, RIP Captain Lou Albano (Cyndi's dad in this video).
58. “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” Billey Joel (1989)
The first album I ever bought was Storm Front, and it was because I loved this song. Not as much as my 8th grade history teacher, Mr. Durfey, who based the final month of the year on the tune: he'd send us into the library with a printout of the lyrics, and we had to figure out the significance of each reference. And at least once a week, he'd play a video of Billy Joel performing it live; for some reason, we all enjoyed imitating the random hula dancer who starts running around the stage near the end of the song. My version of "Fire," using Mormon pop culture icons, is probably my most impressive parody. Some highlights include rhyming "Gerald Lund" and "Perpetual Education Fund" and replacing "Liston beats Patterson" with "Stephen E. Robinson."
57. “I’ll Be,” Edwin McCain (1998)
I knew nothing about McCain other than this song until he started popping up on those "I Love the '80s" shows on VH1, looking and sounding like he was an extra in Half Baked. It was even more jarring than when I found out Tracy Chapman was a chick.
56. “Call Me,” Blondie (1980)
55. “The Look,” Roxette (1989)
54. “The Power Of Love,” Huey Lewis & the News (1985)
As I mentioned above, I'm not much of a concertgoer, but I would love to see Huey someday. I'm sure he'll come to the state fair here sometime, and then I can see a great show while eating fried cantaloupe. Perfect.
53. “Hungry Like The Wolf,” Duran Duran (1982)
52. “All I Wanna Do,” Sheryl Crow (1994)
51. “Don’t You Want Me,” Human League (1982)
One of the best karaoke duets of all time.

Coming attractions

After nearly three relatively uneventful months, November has already been action-packed. A bunch of stuff has happened that I want to chronicle in this space, but since I'm now surprisingly busy I'm not able to do so in a timely manner. But stay tuned for tape-delayed coverage of:

• my new job
• my new church calling
• my sister's wedding
• the current dominance of sports villains, exemplified by the Yankees' recent World Series victory
• the thrilling conclusion of the pop song countdown
• the debut of my next serialized idea, which will mesh religion and reality TV
• and much much more!

November sweeps are in full swing here on Amateur Blog at the Apollo. Don't miss a second of it!

17 again

We've reached the top 100 songs! The end is in sight! Feel free to leave comments guessing songs that you think belong in the top 10.

#100-76

100. “Better Man,” Pearl Jam (1994)
99. “Look Away,” Chicago (1988)
98. “Bitch,” Meredith Brooks (1997)
Sorry about the crude language. I'll be sure to give advance warning if it happens again. (And since we haven't seen Jimmy Buffet's "Let's All Get Drunk And Screw" on the list yet, I'd say the chances are pretty good.)
97. “The Flame,” Cheap Trick (1988)
96. “Life Is A Highway,” Tom Cochrane (1992)
Why did Pixar have to use Rascal Flatts' cover of this song for Cars? Mr. Cochrane's original is at least as good, and I'm sure he wasn't busy.
95. “Superfreak,” Rick James (1981)
94. “Come To My Window,” Melissa Etheridge (1994)
93. “Kiss,” Prince (1986)
"You don't have to watch Dynasty, to have an attitude" is one of the best song lyrics of all time. And it also reminds me of a funny story I heard a few months ago that supposedly took place at a New York DMV (I heard it fourth hand, so I can't verify if it actually happened): a friend of a friend of a friend was waiting to get her license, when she heard over the intercom, "Shady Nasty, your license is ready." Nobody came up. Again, "Shady Nasty, your license is ready." No response. After the third page, a woman goes up to the counter, and angrily says, "I know you didn't just call me Shady Nasty. It's Sha-Dynasty!"
92. “With Or Without You,” U2 (1987)
91. “More Than Words,” Extreme (1991)
90. “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me),” Whitney Houston (1987)
89. “Please Forgive Me,” Bryan Adams (1993)
88. “The Way You Make Me Feel,” Michael Jackson (1988)
87. “Never Surrender,” Corey Hart (1985)
86. “Real World,” Matchbox Twenty (1998)
85. “Toy Soldiers,” Martika (1989)
Like T'Pau's "Heart and Soul" last week, this is one of my favorite, largely underrated songs of the '80s.
84. “All For You,” Sister Hazel (1997)
83. “Love Of A Lifetime,” Firehouse (1991)
82. “Walk Like An Egyptian,” Bangles (1987)
81. “Name,” Goo Goo Dolls (1995)
80. “Like A Prayer,” Madonna (1989)
79. “Melt With You,” Modern English (1983)
My former roommate Will likes to replace the term "making love" with the euphemism "painting ducks." As in, "painting ducks with you was never second best."
78. “Believe,” Cher (1999)
77. “In The Air Tonight,” Phil Collins (1981)
The legend of this song is akin to the whole "is Steve Martin a Mormon?" debate. If you're not aware of what I'm referring to, check this out. To know for sure, I guess we'll have to wait until, as my sister likes to say, we watch the video in heaven.
76. “Kiss From A Rose,” Seal (1995)
There are probably at least six songs on the Batman Forever soundtrack better than this one, including what is likely my favorite U2 song. But kudos to Seal on wooing Heidi Klum.

Drive me crazy

About an hour ago, I drove a car for the first time in over a year. It's so nice to be able to get myself places without having to rely on other people, but I was a little nervous. Many would probably say that driving a car is like riding a bike--once you learn how, you never forget. But that's not very encouraging to someone like me, who can't ride a bike. Or swim. Or whistle. Or snap my fingers. Or a bunch of other stuff 7-year-olds can do, probably...

Anyway, it went fine. No accidents, not even any near-misses. I've always been a good driver, and that seems to still be the case. Unfortunately, I also seem to have retained my poor parking skills, and my inability to back out of our driveway properly even though I've been doing it for over 13 years. It looks straight, but it's clearly not. But it's okay, because that grass would've died in a few weeks anyway. It's good to be back in the driver's seat.

16 candles

We're approaching the "best of the best." Which is good news for playlists, but bad news for potential jokes--at least in theory. Hopefully my hypothesis is wrong.

#125-101

125. “Wanna Be Startin’ Something,” Michael Jackson (1983)
You're starting this week's list--wish granted!
124. “Ordinary World,” Duran Duran (1993)
123. “Celebration,” Kool & the Gang (1980)
122. “Hands,” Jewel (1999)
121. “Start Me Up,” Rolling Stones (1981)
As successful as this song was in promoting Windows 95, it's surprising Microsoft didn't go back to the Stones when rolling out Windows Vista. "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" would've been a logical choice.
120. “Dreams,” Cranberries (1994)
119. “Is This Love,” Whitesnake (1987)
118. “Dreamlover,” Mariah Carey (1993)
117. “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me,” George Michael/Elton John (1991)
First he teamed up for a big hit with George Michael. Now he's on tour with Billy Joel. Can't you do anything without riding someone else's coattails, Mr. John? Or ducktails, for that matter?
116. “Money For Nothing,” Dire Straits (1985)
This song is the musical equivalent of holding up a sign at a sporting event where the first letter of each word on the sign spells out the network broadcasting the game. But I DO want my MTV.
115. “Hand In My Pocket,” Alanis Morissette (1995)
114. “Livin’ La Vida Loca,” Ricky Martin (1999)
113. “One Of Us,” Joan Osborne (1995)
Yet another masterpiece from the well-known songwriting genius, Dr. Evil.
112. “Armageddon It,” Def Leppard (1988)
111. “I Love You Always Forever,” Donna Lewis (1996)
I made my karaoke debut with this song, dueting with Julie Clark, a cheerleader I had a big crush on, at a tailgate party during my junior year of high school. Dan Ulrich may have also been involved, I can't remember. (I was going to write that this was the song I lost my karaoke virginity to, but that would've sounded a little weird with everything else I wrote.)
110. “Angel,” Aerosmith (1988)
109. “Heart And Soul,” T’Pau (1987)
I really like this song, so I'm pleased to see it ranked so high. It's probably the best song ever by an artist named after a Star Trek character.
108. “Maneater,” Hall & Oates (1982)
107. “Lightning Crashes,” Live (1995)
My sister's friend Ginny kept the placenta after she gave birth. Not being a parent, I can't say for sure one way or the other, but I hope that's not common. Listen to the song! Let it fall to the floor!
106. “Love Walks In,” Van Halen (1986)
105. “Papa Don’t Preach,” Madonna (1986)
104. “Dancing In The Dark,” Bruce Springsteen (1984)
Courtney Cox was discovered in this video, which led to her breakthrough roles in Family Ties, Masters of the Universe, Mr. Destiny, Ace Ventura, and now, Cougartown. And I think I might be forgetting one. Thanks, Boss.
103. “Don’t Speak,” No Doubt (1996)
102. “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic,” Police (1981)
101. “She Works Hard For The Money,” Donna Summer (1983)

Frankenweiner

Another Halloween has come and gone. I'm lucky to have a brother who buys good costumes and lets me wear them the next year. He must have had a premonition, because this was a very appropriate 'stume for me in 2009.

I think they also sell a "slutty hot dog" costume, which is the same thing, but with no bun.

Here I am holding what appears to be the action figure of whatever character I'm dressed as.

I know this is wrong, but it looked so delicious! Can you blame me?

I soon realized what I was doing, but by then it was too late. Don't worry, I gave the remains a proper burial.

My Halloween was very low-key. I put on the costume, passed out candy to some neighborhood kids, and watched Nightmare Before Christmas with my brother and sister (surprisingly, the first time I've seen it all the way through). It was fun, but this was the first time since junior high at least (not counting one of the two years of my mission) that I hadn't attended some kind of Halloween dance, and many of those years also included work parties, comedy shows, etc. Oh, well. Time to get to work on next year's costume!

Fats Domino

I've joked for years, and even written about it on my blog, that Domino's is always advertising something other than pizza.

So it's only right to give them credit for finally promoting their main product, even if it is only for a week. Their limited-time-only deal was a good one--a large one-topping pizza with extra cheese for just $5.99--and the ad campaign was even better. I can't find the video online (probably because of the promotion's short shelf-life), but the TV commercial they ran was pretty funny. They had signs in the restaurant saying that there was a limit of 256 pizzas per household per day, and customers were shown carting away dozens of pizza boxes, culminating in a woman pulling up with a tractor trailer, and the manager saying "this is NOT happening." Good stuff.

Well done, Domino's. This is the first time I remember you pushing your pizza since Donald Trump's cheeseburger pizza a few years ago, and I only remember that because of a funny SNL sketch. Now I can stop paying attention to you for another four years.