The 2008 Bloggy Awards

If you missed it, you can check out all of the nominees in greater detail in the previous post. But now...on to the winners!

LONGEST POST
The Bloggy goes to..."Boo Radley," the post where I detailed my Apollo experience. No surprise there. Lousy objective categories, removing all of the drama...

MOST COMMENTS ON A SINGLE POST
21 comments on "Opening Act," my very first post. It's been all downhill from there. It's time for you readers to step up!

BEST POST TITLE
The burrito one, of course. A subjective category, sure, but in that post's first paragraph I basically name this one the all-time winner in this category. There were some worthy competitors, though. I should write headlines for a New York tabloid.

BEST MULTI-PART POST
My Apollo audition story. The sister missionary story is more entertaining, but I'm not going to give one of my Bloggies for something I didn't even write!

FUNNIEST LINK
I'll give it to the Toyland trailer, but probably just because it's been on my brain lately (tonight is my first viewing of said classic this year).

BEST COLLECTION OF LINKS
I do love stand-up comedy, but I have to go with the dentists on this one. Such a variety of clips: Seinfeld, WWF, horror and musical versions of Little Shop...they're like electronic laughing gas.

BEST UNEXPECTED LINK
I love the horse manure one, but most people don't even realize when they see it that it's a WWF promo. So I'll give the Bloggy to the McDonald's commercial.

BEST COMMENT MADE BY ME
My comment about ice cream at the Brooklyn Bridge was a funny story that should've gone into the original post. It's a winner.

BEST COMMENT MADE BY SOMEONE ELSE
This one was really hard to choose. There were more nominations for this category than any other, and deservedly so. But Joey's impassioned and intelligent case for 4 Non Blondes is ultimately my (just barely) favorite comment anyone has ever left on my blog.

BEST SINGLE PICTURE
Some great choices, but clearly the best is the shot of the marquee promoting a sermon on "eating bacon as a spiritual practice." Partly because it wasn't a posed, planned photo, just something I was fortunate to stumble upon, but mainly because it means Denny's can double as a church.

BEST PHOTO ESSAY
I'm giving the Bloggy to the post about my first Harlem apartment. The pictures aren't great, but I think it's the one with the best captions. So the best picture was a picture of words, and this category was determined by comments and jokes...clearly, it's all about text on my blog.

BEST USE OF SOMETHING I WROTE BEFORE I STARTED THIS BLOG
The April Fools prank was really fun when I first did it, but my post about reunions is one of my favorite things I've ever written. The description of a typical missionary reunion conversation gives that post the edge and the Bloggy.

BEST ANECDOTE FROM MY PRE-BLOGGING DAYS
As good as the Wayne's World story is, it can't top the tale of getting Triple H's gum at a WWF live event. That's just a great anecdote. And anecdote is a great word.

BEST ANECDOTE FROM MY BLOGGING DAYS
The Garry Marshall experience, like the gum story, is something that could never be made up, or recreated. It is extremely Bloggy-worthy. Congrats, Mr. Marshall, and thanks for wearing a tux instead of a dress to make your acceptance speech.

BEST LINE
The Sunday School one is probably the best, but it's Colbert's line, and again, I'm not giving my Bloggies to someone else. I'm gonna go with holy guacamole.

BEST POST
There have been some great ones, but it seems wrong to give this top Bloggy award to any post other than "Boo Radley." It's the centerpiece of my year of writing. The event it describes is the inspiration for the title of my blog, and one of the main reasons I started it in the first place. It was one of the most memorable days of my life, and I feel that the epic prose I wrote about it represents it well.

So there you have it. Thanks for voting, for your other comments, and especially just for reading. Since I'll be hanging with my fam and their dial-up Internet the next few weeks, this may be my final post until '09. But who knows...maybe Santa will leave some DSL in my dad's stocking this year.

Blog of the century

Not sure if anyone caught it, but I recently made a cryptic remark indicating I was approaching my 100th blog post...and here it is! There have been many good moments, and many great moments. Perhaps a few moments of mediocrity, but I choose to ignore them.

Let's relive the highlights of my blog together. Feel free to leave a comment voting for your favorites in any or all of the following categories (write-in votes--and categories, for that matter--are welcome). All candidates will be listed in chronological order. I could probably turn these into actual polls in the sidebar, but that would be extra work for me, plus your "votes" are merely for my curiosity; I already know who the winners are, and I will reveal them in my next post. Without further ado, here's the Best of My Blog.

LONGEST POST
We'll start with an easy one. I like empirically-based categories like this one, because it really makes the announcement of the winner suspenseful. It reminds me of the 1995 SNL sketch (the Deion Sanders episode) where they gave an ESPY to the stadium with the largest seating capacity. Anyway, here are the nominees:
"Opening Act"
"Boo Radley"
"You all, everybody"
"The Hof-ington Post"

MOST COMMENTS ON A SINGLE POST
Same idea here. I wonder who will win?
"Opening Act"
"Hot Pockets!"
"Brownie, you're doin' a heckuva job"

BEST POST TITLE
"I have learned for myself that Presbyterianism makes great burritos"
"Brownie, you're doin' a heckuva job"
"The audacity of slope"
"Girth-am City"
"The Hof-ington Post"

BEST MULTI-PART POST
Each link is to the first part of the series.
The story of my Apollo audition
The story of my Broadway debut
The story of the pregnant sister missionary

FUNNIEST LINK
I'm linking to the post the link appeared in, so you can get the context I used it in. It shouldn't be hard to find the link itself.
Malibu, the gnarly American Gladiator
Babes In Toyland trailer
The "American Free Press"
John Hodgman's hobo documentary
Wikipedia's expert sources
Subway thief gets more than he bargained for

BEST COLLECTION OF LINKS
Jokes about air travel
Weird dentists
My baseball card collection

BEST UNEXPECTED LINK
This is for the links I included where you probably had no idea what would pop up when you clicked on it.
Indubitably delicious
Apache boy!
HOW many rats?
It really was the summer of George
Dusty Rhodes, wrestler for the "common man"
Some people should only dunk Oreos

BEST COMMENT MADE BY ME
My ice cream looked so (bleeping) good
A band named The Kissing Post?
A bunch of inside jokes
Was I a bed wetter?

BEST COMMENT MADE BY SOMEONE ELSE
Rachel: Too busy being maudlin
Joey: B-Pet should have been a pizza boy
Kristina: Me and Kurt both love Colbert
Joey: "What's Up?" is the greatest song of our lifetime
Amy: Loves when I hit her
CJ: Likes girls who like microscopes
Nicole: Great idea for a new show
Marlene: I've got mouth squirts
John: If you don't like AIDS or cancer, vote Walken

BEST SINGLE PICTURE
The ubiquitous shot of me in my hoodie
The church of bacon
Larissa's booty
Me and CP
I should have farewell parties more often
Batman XXL

BEST PHOTO ESSAY
My first Harlem apartment
My office at Columbia
Monday Night Raw!
Auditioning for American Idol
Class of '98 10-year reunion

BEST USE OF SOMETHING I WROTE BEFORE I STARTED THIS BLOG
LOL April Fools prank
LOL lookalikes
Reunions aren't that great
A complicated parody
I like Halloween
Santa is real

BEST ANECDOTE FROM MY PRE-BLOGGING DAYS
Almost seeing A Walk To Remember
Stalking Katie Moeser
A bacon sausage thing
Wrestling gum
Bugs in drag

BEST ANECDOTE FROM MY BLOGGING DAYS
Garry Marshall
"It's not a tuba"
Richard Gore's Barbershop
Canucks invade NYC

BEST LINE
"Unchecked public urination"
"Holy guacamole"
"I teach Sunday School, [mofo]"
"Half-couples"
"Gladiator, Gum or Boy Band?"
"I have staples in my stomach and am not wearing underwear, but [I don't feel] much like a centerfold."

And finally...

BEST POST
I think this may finally be Scorsese's year.
"Nostalgia and newstalgia"
Groundhog Day post
"Boo Radley"
My taste in music
Drive-ins, gum, and pro wrestling
"Faster, higher, tape-delayed"

The first 100 posts have been pretty great, haven't they? The polls are now open.

Event horizon

I'm off to a decent start in my effort to be a regular blogger again. But my lack of writing in recent weeks means my readers have missed out on many of my recent adventures! I've done a lot of exciting things in the past six weeks, things that all could've received their own posts, but because of my blog apathy during that period I'm going to cram them all together and just give the highlights. Here they are (at least the ones I can still remember) in chronological order:

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE TAPING
I went with my friend Aja, and both of us were surprised by two things: they had the same warmup comedian that we saw when we went to a taping of The Daily Show in April, and overall the experience wasn't as boring as we thought it would be. Both of us also failed the 30 question test afterwards, the first part of the audition process to become a contestant. Will I ever achieve my lifelong goal of appearing on a trivia-based game show?

HALLOWEEN

I one-upped all the other guys dressed as Joe the Plumber by wearing my He-Man t-shirt and becoming Joe Sixpack, who happens to be a plumber. I also pinned a sandwich-board poster of sorts to my back, where I made a few political and plumbing puns ("exposing the cracks in the economy," etc.). My own abs look almost as good, but the church dance I went to had a dress code so I had to keep my shirt on. Best costume of the night: a group effort, with the guy dressed as Robert Palmer and some girls as his backup band.

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE TOUR
I joined five of my friends and made my first ever trip to New Jersey (Newark was the closest the SYTYCD tour got to Manhattan). If you watched the show this season and liked it, then you'd like the concert--nearly all of the dances were ones they did on the show. Cat and Nigel were only there in prerecorded video form, which meant the dancers got to show off their mic skills in between performances. They tried to do some comedy bits with Gev and Courtney that didn't really work. The most memorable part of the evening? On the return trip, I fainted on the train! Seriously. It was weird and embarrassing, but ultimately I was ok. Thanks for breaking my fall, Gaby.

YEAR OF CHAMPIONS II
Not as big a turnout as the first one, but still a really good time. I sang my "Complicated" parody, and there were several other impressive talents, including Amy and Becky's mirror dance, Brook's bubble within a bubble, Elin's speedy caricatures, and especially Eric LaRue's Ukrainian hip hop song.

TWILIGHT PREMIERE
Just kidding.

BYU/UTAH FOOTBALL GAME
Obviously, the result was not what I wanted, but the game was still fun. I went to a real sports bar for the first time ever (ESPNZone doesn't count), and was there with about 30 other Manhattan Mormons. I wonder if Blondie's has ever had such a high percentage of their customers on one evening not buy alcohol. The chicken wings were tremendous.

SPECIAL STAKE CONFERENCE
Elder Holland was in town, so we had a special stake conference in the Hammerstein Ballroom (none of the chapels on the island can hold all of the members). It was a really cool experience; I wish I could have church in a place with balconies, especially one that's hosted WWF events, every week. In addition to the uplifting, spirit-filled words Elder Holland spoke, he also quoted Bryan Adams at one point. Seriously.

24: REDEMPTION
Jack is back! And better than ever. Well, better than Season 6 Jack at least. Not that that is hard...but I'm still excited for the new season that starts next month.

THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
My friend Tamara is a producer for Good Morning America, and she invited me to the ABC VIP parade party at their Times Square studio. It took me forever to make my way through the crowds to the studio, but I got there in time to see Santa pass by, and more importantly, just before they put the breakfast buffet away. I hadn't had a credential of any kind for a long time, so I wore my VIP pass the rest of the day, long after the parade was over.

ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE LEAVES

Thanksgiving dinner was amazing. All of the decorations (title and motif inspired by Back to the Future's "Enchantment Under the Sea" dance) and a lot of the food were prepared by my roommate and his girlfriend. "Borrowing" some tables and chairs from the nearby chapel was more of a hassle than it should have been, but once we got things started it was fantastic. We had 32 people in our apartment for dinner, but there was plenty of food: turkey, stuffing, potatoes (sweet and mashed), stuffed mushrooms, rolls, cranberries (in sauce and ice cream form), pie, pumpkin roll, cookies...oh, and we went through almost 25 bottles of Martinelli's. It was so good.

THE SEXY TOUR
Tamara and I saw Jim Gaffigan (who declared himself a potential "mascot of the Mormons") perform at Town Hall, the venue featured in what is probably my favorite movie, A Mighty Wind. As expected, he was hilarious: jokes about escalators, why camping and recycling are no good, waffle houses, bacon, and tons of other stuff (including Hot Pockets, of course)...it was an hour long tribute to gluttony and laziness. Naturally, I loved every second of it.

WINTER'S EVE AT LINCOLN SQUARE
My first time attending this annual event, and it was a doozy...the Bacon Brothers were there! By movie-star-band standards, they're decent, which means they're decidedly mediocre. But the concert was free, so I won't complain. And I'm envious of Kevin Bacon--you can tell that he's having a great time (evidenced by his Mick Jagger impression and other goofy mannerisms) and doing exactly what he wants to do, and he's in a position financially where it doesn't matter if he succeeds or not. Good for him.

MARTHA STEWART TAPING
Aja and I teamed up for yet another TV taping, by far the most lucrative one yet. While waiting in line before the show, we got free hamburgers, bagels and hot chocolate, and after the show everyone got gift bags full of items featured on the episode, including a really fancy dessert cookbook (a $35 value according to the cover!), a bag of Christmas M&Ms, and Kristin Chenoweth's new Christmas CD (skip to the 3:50 mark of this clip for a funny slip of the tongue from the show, then skip back to the 2:04 mark to see me!).

KNICKS VS. BLAZERS
My second trip to MSG. The Knicks lost to Portland, which continues my lifelong streak of backing the losing team when I attend NBA games (I'm about 0 for 8 overall; this was the first time I went to a game that didn't feature the Jazz). I was with friends and I bought some Cracker Jack, though, so the night wasn't a total loss.

NATIONAL COOKIE DAY
Since I eat cookies on a very regular basis, I usually celebrate National Brownie Day instead, but some friends of mine hosted a Cookie Day party, and I was glad to attend. I brought a tube of cookie dough and some plastic spoons, and it was a big hit. I love things that are both creative and lazy. There were plenty of delicious fully formed cookies to eat too.

NEW YORK IMPROV
There was an after party on Cookie Night. One of the hosts has been taking improv classes at the Upright Citizens Brigade, so a few of us went to watch her coach in a show. It was very funny, very affordable, and not as dirty as I feared it might be (though certainly more adult than Laugh Out Loud). Best of all...even though the performers were good, I didn't feel that they were much above the level of people I've performed with for years. It made me feel good about the shows I've been in in Utah, and made me want to take a class at UCB when I can afford it. It would be great to perform there.

2008 LINGOS
The Lingos are the annual film festival for the Manhattan singles wards. Overall, this year's slate of movies was kind of ho-hum, but there was this gem of an entry starring my roommate Ryan. Here's one I like from last year's Lingos starring several of my friends.

KARAOKE
I joined about 20 of my friends and acquaintances at a downtown karaoke restaurant last weekend, and it was awesome. This wasn't a bar where you sing in front of strangers; we had our own room, with a couple of couches, a giant TV, two mics, and 15,000 songs to choose from. For a lot of the songs, the original music video plays on the screen. Each person pays by the hour. I sang a bunch of songs, but my favorite was getting everyone into the holiday spirit by busting out "Christmas in Hollis."

I did all of these fun things, but did not take a single picture at any of them. You'll just have to take my word for it that they were all great. After all of that, any of you who are living vicariously through me are probably exhausted.

You better watch out

Last Thursday my friend Holly and her roommates hosted a fantastic party in honor of National Cookie Day, at which they distributed Macy's Santa Claus "Believe" buttons. I've been wearing mine ever since.

A public defense of the existence of Santa is nothing new to me. The earliest incident I can recall where someone told me he wasn't real was in the 1st grade. At recess, a few of us were sitting behind the dumpster (why weren't we playing?), and Cody Wardell tried to burst my bubble. My argument on Santa's behalf: "your parents always wrap your presents, but the presents Santa leaves are always unwrapped" (amazingly, another member of the discussion--I think it was Tyler McHenry--agreed with that flimsy defense).

Several years later, as a member of the Deseret News Teen Editorial Board, I made a much more public and slightly more sophisticated show of support for jolly old St. Nicolas. You can read it via the link, but I'm pasting it in below because I wish to make a few comments (in italics).

"World needs lots of year-round Santas

By Jeff Hofman [My last name is often misspelled, but rarely in this manner. I'm pretty sure they never ran a correction either. Bah, humbug.]

I believe in Santa Claus.

I am old enough and experienced enough in the ways of the world [I was 17] to know that he doesn't really exist, but that doesn't mean that I will ever stop believing in him. More than just an actual being, I believe in the idea. Perhaps it could be called the Santa "Clause.'' [That sentence, as far as I can remember, is the only content change made by the Deseret News editors. I hated it then and I still don't like it. It's not necessarily bad, it's just that I never would have written it. Curse you, Jay Evensen!] Think about it. In today's world of selfishness and greed, it's nice to think that somewhere out there is someone whose sole purpose is to bring happiness into the lives of others. In a world where laziness and racism are the order of the day, it would be great if someone worked diligently year-round to provide gifts for everyone, regardless of the color of their skin [but not necessarily their religion, a thought which apparently never occurred to me back then].

There are many other serious problems in this world that we deal with on a daily basis, but during the holiday season people tend to forget about their problems and display a more caring attitude to those with whom they come in contact. More than at any other time of year, people recognize the needs of others and do what they can to see that those needs are met.

It seems everyone has a portion of the Christmas spirit, the spirit of Santa Claus, inside of them. It is rekindled every November and December.

However, it may be good for Santa Claus that he doesn't really exist. Although in general people are kinder and gentler during the Christmas season, it is not true of everyone. There would be some who couldn't accept Santa or what he does.

He realistically wouldn't be able to make all of his deliveries before the children woke up on Christmas morning; [I originally had a dash here instead of a semicolon, because what follows are the reasons he would fall short of his delivery goals. The way it is now makes it seem like I doubted his abilities to travel around the world in a single night, but nothing could be farther from the truth] would be arrested for breaking and entering or operating a sleigh without a license; would be arrested for driving under the influence by police officers seeing his rosy red cheeks and smelling the eggnog on his breath; or maybe he would be arrested for cruelty to animals.

The elves in his workshop would probably violate child labor laws, and others would accuse Santa of stalking them - after all, he sees you when you're sleeping. [Some of the jokes comparing Santa's lifestyle to regular people in the preceding two paragraphs are borrowed (by which I mean stolen) from an editorial written by my brother Adam for the Murray High School paper a few years earlier. I don't remember which ones are his, but probably more than half, although I'm confident at least one of them is mine. Yes, I have a journalism degree.]

It may sound ridiculous, but it is unfortunately true: A living, breathing Santa Claus would never be allowed to practice his trade in today's society. The ACLU would never allow it.

Because of that, it is up to us to do the jolly elf's work. Like Santa, we shouldn't just concentrate our effort on one day, one week, one month, but work all year to make the world a better place.

Santa would never take a day off, and we shouldn't either. If we kept the spirit of Santa Claus within us 365 days a year, what a difference it would make. When we do it, then not just one but many "Santas'' in fact exist, hundreds and thousands of them. Those Santas - you and I and others - wouldn't need to worry about using the chimney, because we would be warmly invited in through the front door." [One of the main reasons I avoid writing about serious topics is that I have a hard time wrapping them up well, perhaps because I've failed to get my point across. I'm not particularly happy with this ending.]

So now, 11 years later, I am once again on record: I believe in Santa Claus. And Santa, I've been really good this year. So hook me up. You know what I want.

The Hof-ington Post

[Warning: what follows is a rare post on a serious topic. It's been a month since the election, and based on my track record on this blog, that means it's time for me to get around to commenting on it. Proceed at your own risk. I'm an intelligent person, but I'm not generally interested in politics, policy, economics, etc.; I readily admit that I get about 90% of my non-sports news from Comedy Central. I'm generally smart enough to separate the facts from the Stewart/Colbert hyperbole, but I'd be lying if I said those shows haven't influenced my opinions. Therefore, it will not bother me at all if you don't share my political viewpoint. Also, if any of my opinions are based on ignorance or a misunderstanding of the truth, please correct me in the comments. I'm just going to start typing; I don't really know yet what I'll end up saying or how long it will be. I do know, however, that I won't be discussing Prop 8 on my blog. I have conflicted feelings about the issue as a whole, the church's involvement in it, and the post-election protests, and don't wish to get into them here. I will, however, recommend the talk given by Elder Hales at the most recent General Conference to any LDS members wondering how they should respond to those who are angry with them because of their beliefs. Anyway, here we go.]

Voting in Harlem was an unusual experience. My polling station was at a church less than a block from my apartment, and I headed there at about 9:00, figuring that those who went to cast their votes before work would be gone, and I wouldn't have to wait in line long.

I was wrong. The line stretched outside the door for about a block, and once I got inside the building things were pretty chaotic. It seemed that everyone in the neighborhood was so excited to vote (for Obama) this year, that they wanted to do it as soon as they could (I talked to many people who voted at night and were in and out in less than five minutes). The volunteers were not prepared for the turnout, and the line stalled. I ended up waiting for over two hours before I finally pulled back the curtain and entered the voting booth.

As I looked over the names on the ancient device (we had those old-school voting machines with the big levers and such, like a giant vintage cash register), I realized why I had struggled to find information on any of the local races: virtually every judge, councilman, and sanitation commissioner was running unopposed, or if there were four names it was in a category that said "choose four." (In that particular race, two of the names were listed as both Republicans and Democrats. Not sure how that works.) I quickly made my selections and pulled the lever. Although my polling place disappointingly had no "I Voted" stickers, I had in fact voted, which is yet another way in which I'm better than Tim Robbins.

That night, I gathered with some friends for a bachelor party of sorts (yes, Mormon bachelor parties are exactly as dull as you'd expect, although there's nothing wrong with hanging out with the guys and eating pizza), and we watched the election results. Once the networks started calling the election for Obama, the neighborhood erupted. People began honking horns, screaming, banging pots and pans...it was like New Year's Day. The big party in the area was at the government building just three blocks from where I was. Most of our group went to join in the revelry, even though nearly all of them voted for McCain.

Even though I voted for Obama, I decided not to join the party, but still passed many exuberant people on my short trip home. I logged onto Facebook and was stunned by the status updates of my friends. Words and phrases like "socialist," "take my money," "Americans are morons," "this is a sad day," and "building a bomb shelter" abounded. I was stunned.

A month has now passed, and unsurprisingly, the extreme feelings of both joy and alarm expressed on Election Night seem to have been tempered. Time has a way of doing that. But I felt even back on November 4 that both types of overly emotional responses were unwarranted.

I have a feeling that many of those who are excited about the change Obama has promised to bring may be disappointed when they see what actually happens. Whether it's because of opposition from political opponents, their desire to achieve high approval ratings or get reelected, or even just that they realize that they are a representative for the entire nation and not just the people that voted for them, it seems to me that presidents always wind up being more centrist than they claimed to be during their campaigns. Compromises will inevitably have to be made, and it seems impossible that Obama will be able to achieve all of the goals he set forth prior to the election (we are now officially into the area where you can feel free to point out my ignorance or naivete).

If I'm right, and "business as usual" prevails in a general sense under President Obama, I don't view that as a bad thing. Life is generally good for most Americans, and although some things are less than desirable right now, that's the way things go. It's cyclical. The economy isn't great right now, but it will get better. And it would eventually improve whether Obama, Bush or McCain was president, although different policies espoused by different people will influence the speed and the degree of improvement.

If those who view Obama as a deity of sorts are setting themselves up for disappointment, I still feel that those who view his election as the end of the world are even more off base. In the weeks leading up to the election and in the first few days afterwards, the things I heard or read some people say made it seem like Obama was pledging to surrender the country to Russia if he won. Even if they don't agree with him, it seems ludicrous that anyone would believe he doesn't like America or want to make positive differences for Americans.

I heard a lot of people say, "we don't know anything about him." Um, seriously? I wasn't paying very close attention, and even I know that he plays basketball, he has two kids, he went to Columbia, he smokes, he used to go by "Barry," and a bunch of other facts about him, not tot mention everything I know about his political stances. I guess people can choose not to believe these things, but if that's the case I don't know how they expect to find out what Obama is like.

A lot of people labelled Obama as a socialist, always in a negative way. It's ironic to me that so many Mormons view socialism as such an evil thing, even though the people of Enoch and the people in 4 Nephi lived a form of socialism and were the two most successful, righteous, and happy societies in scriptural history. Plus, other than the threat of higher taxes, what about Obama's policies and promises makes him a socialist, or at least more of a socialist than other mainstream candidates (again, I'm not as informed a voter as many, so please enlighten me if there's major socialist stuff I'm unaware of)?

Our country and government has been socialistic in at least some aspects for a long time, and thank goodness for that. I don't know what I would be doing right now or where I would be living if I hadn't received Medicaid assistance after my gall bladder surgery. I'll admit that I felt slightly ashamed at not being able to pay my own bills, but I was incapable of doing so, and I'm very grateful for the assistance I've received. If Obama's plans will result in more people getting the health care they need, then I support them, and if that makes me a socialist, so be it.

I believe in the principles of capitalism (entrepreneurship, working for a living, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, etc.), but I believe in the principle of charity even more. Before I came to New York, I don't think I had a very good conception of what life was like for people (especially kids) in low-income areas. Most of the kids in Harlem come into the world at such a huge disadvantage that they would have virtually no chance of succeeding in a strictly capitalistic society. Some "redistribution of wealth" is necessary to give these kids a fair chance. I'm willing to pay higher taxes if that's what it takes to help these people. This, more than anything else, is why I voted for Obama: because he and his party seem to me to be more sincere about and committed to helping those who are less fortunate than themselves.

The other big reason why I voted for a Democrat for the first time relates to my overall view of the position of President. To me, the president's most important job involves public relations. The president is the government's ultimate ambassador, it's public face. When things are going good, he should tell us that. When things are bad, tell us, and then explain what will be done to correct the problem. If something is bad because government screwed up, accept responsibility, apologize, and fix it. I feel most people don't expect perfection from their elected leaders, but they expect honesty. It perhaps was unfair to McCain, but I felt since about the beginning of the primaries that I could not in good conscience vote for the Republican candidate, no matter who it was, because of what I viewed as a high level of dishonesty and disrespect shown to the public by the president, his cabinet and their appointed spokespersons over the last few years. The Bush administration's approach to PR has been atrocious.

I would love to have a Hollywood president like David Palmer from 24 or Dave from Dave, someone who exudes strength and confidence, someone who seems intelligent and optimistic when they speak. As I said above, even when some things are bad, in America things are generally good. I want a president who speaks and acts in a way that helps people to feel good, to have a general feeling of happiness and contentment. Obama, while clearly no Dennis Haysbert, seems to fit that bill pretty well.

Basically, I knew that my day-to-day life wouldn't change much regardless of which candidate won, but I voted for Obama because I feel his policies and beliefs are at their core more compassionate than McCain's, and because I feel that when Obama speaks to me and to the rest of the country he tells the truth and will continue to do so. Simplistic as they may be, that's how it is. And now I can go back to my usual mode, where I don't worry much about any of these things, at least for a few more years.

Feeling Chemish-ish

Hey, remember when I used to blog?

I remember, and I miss it. For some reason, I haven't been feeling like writing lately. The Book of Mormon covers over 1000 years of history (more than double that total when you include the Jaredites), but about 400 of those years are covered in less than ten pages, with a series of historians (starting with Enos and culminating with Chemish, the one-verse wonder), having very little to say.

At one point Jarom even writes, "it must needs be that I write a little; but...what could I write more than my fathers have written?...and this sufficeth me" (Jarom 2). As every book from Mosiah through Moroni proves, there was clearly much more to write.

So why did they lose motivation for their version of blogging? I think one of the reasons is given by Omni: "I of myself am a wicked man, and I have not kept...the commandments of the Lord as I ought to have done" (Omni 2).

I can relate. When I haven't been doing what I ought to do, I don't feel like keeping a record of what I have been doing. There's been some of this going on for me lately, for sure. Just like Joseph Smith, "in making this confession, no one need suppose me guilty of any great or malignant sins" (JS-H 28); it's more of a reflection of the feelings of uselessness I often experience as I continue to endure a long stretch of unemployment. I feel like I ought to be working, like I ought to be spending my days more productively, and when I don't (which is sometimes not my fault but usually it is), I lose my desire to blog.

If you've noticed an obvious solution to this situation, don't worry, I have too. I'm optimistic that not only will I have a job soon, but that there will be many new and entertaining blog posts in the coming days and weeks. Specifically, look for something big coming very soon as I prepare to "write the hundredth part" (W of M 5) of my blog.

Freeze, TV, or Kissing?

I was "tagged" by my friend Megan. I've ignored all previous taggings (I'm not sure how many times it's happened, but at least once), but I need something to get me back in the blogging groove. Plus she called me "Jeff H.," which reminded me of my elementary school days. So here we go.

Five things I was doing ten years ago (my Freshman year of college):

1. Playing NBA Jam with my roommate Kyle. "Boom-shakka-lakka!"
2. Writing songs with Mark Haraguchi to get the Stover girls to come over during visiting hours.
3. Pounding down chicken kievs, Monte Cristo sandwiches, or whatever the Cannon Center was serving--three meals a day--topped off by some soft serve.
4. Hosting five-hour Simpsons marathons (up to 12 people crammed into my tiny dorm room) almost every afternoon.
5. Teaming up with almost every guy on the floor (along with Pete's Teal Stallion) to play a great prank on Josh Wheeler.

Five things on my list of things to do today:

1. Watch last night's "Simpsons" episode (check!)
2. Shave (check!)
3. Shower (check!)
4. Brush my teeth (should be done by about 6 PM)
5. Realize I'm not much of a listmaker, or particularly ambitious (check!)

Five snacks I enjoy:

1. Almond roca
2. Chocolate chip cookies (made by my mom, Mrs. Fields, those Keebler elves, whoever)
3. Anything my mom bakes, especially if chocolate is involved
4. A big block of cheese
5. Quaker Oat Squares, dry

Five things I'd do if I became a millionaire:

1. Attend lots of comedy shows, concerts and sporting events
2. Give bills to panhandlers instead of change
3. Go back to school for something, maybe even just to learn languages
4. Try, at least for a little while, to make a living as a comedian or a writer or both
5. Splurge on priority shipping the next time I buy something from eBay or Amazon

Five places I've lived:

1. Murray, UT
2. Provo, UT
3. Greenock, Scotland
4. Inverness, Scotland
5. Harlem

Five jobs I've had:

1. Cashier/baker/sample tray holder at Mrs. Fields
2. Cashier at ShopKo
3. Production assistant for BYU Broadcasting (yes, I am the Jeff Hofmann in the credits of those scripture roundtable shows--impressed?)
4. Writer/phone screener for the Marie and Friends radio show
5. Data technician for Backstage Library Works

I guess this is the point where I'm supposed to tag other people, but the whole point of this blog is to draw attention to myself, so I'm not going to tag anyone else. I like being "it."

Just wanted to throw something up here

I have no idea why I'm thinking about this right now, or why I feel it's worth writing about, but the purpose of this post is to express my displeasure with the oft-used phrase (and its variants) "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."

Apparently it's been annoying people for quite some time. But these people seem to despise the pretentiousness of the saying. But it bothers me for a different reason: why say it that way, when that is the only place you can throw up? Yes, sometimes the throw up escapes the mouth and sometimes it doesn't (is there a magma/lava equivalent for puke, or is it always the same?), but the mouth is always involved. If someone ever vomits out of, say, their armpit, then I want the description to include the body part. Otherwise, it's not necessary.

Again, not sure why I thought this was blog-worthy; maybe it was just an excuse to link to the late, great Mitch Hedberg joking about a similar linguistic conundrum (starting at about the 6:35 mark; if you listen to the whole clip, watch out for some bad language).

I'd like to buy the world a Coke

Well, I wouldn't actually like to, but I feel like I ought to, that I owe the world a caffeinated beverage. Because, ever since I moved back to New York, it seems pretty clear that I have been jinxed.

For starters, I've been a jinx to myself. From the emergency gall bladder surgery to my inability to not only find a job but even to obtain job interviews, things haven't been going according to plan for me.

The jinx has also hit friends and family, both near and far. The gall bladder bug also bit my sister in Utah, my friend Tabitha's husband in Georgia, and my friend Angela in Seattle has had gall bladder problems too. The first weekend I was back here, a neighbor broke his leg in five places in a freak bike accident, and in September two other guys in the ward ended up on crutches with foot injuries. My brother was in a car accident recently.

My jinx has gone macro, too. The Yankees missed the playoffs for the first time since 1993, and the Mets experienced their second straight late-season collapse and also missed the postseason. Almost every couple on Dancing With the Stars has had to deal with injuries, from sprained ankles to ruptured Achilles to appendectomies. Oh, and the stock market collapsed and the economy is in shambles. I know it's trendy to blame greedy CEOs and corrupt politicians, but I'm pretty sure it's my fault.

Lately the curse has taken a weird twist: all of my efforts to help people are being sabotaged. Some friends started a tutoring program that I'm volunteering at, but the kid I was assigned to is yet to show up in the three weeks since it started. I went to help clean the chapel last Saturday morning, and it took me less than five minutes to break the vacuum I was using. On Monday, missed phone calls and delayed trains resulted in me being more than half an hour late in joining the missionaries for a teaching appointment. And last night, after what seemed like a good, incident-free home teaching visit, before I even got home I got a call from my home teachee asking me to come back because she was locked out of her apartment! (I'll let her identify herself in the comments if she wishes.) It's a good thing I didn't sign up to volunteer at the polls next week; with the way things have been going, Nader would probably win the election.

So enjoy your soft drinks, everybody. I'm sure they're not tainted with bird flu or anything. I mean, I'm due for some good luck. Right?

Halloween is super!

[Halloween is upon us! Yes!!! To kick off the festivities, here is the latest in my occasional series of retreads from the blog of Laugh Out Loud, my old improv troupe in Provo. This was written a few days before our October 31, 2006 show, the first time we performed in Halloween costumes.]

When I was a missionary in Scotland, Halloween fell on a Sunday, and I was one of the sacrament meeting speakers. They let me choose my own topic--probably a bad move. I gave a talk on how Halloween is like the gospel, because both allow people to be something better than they could be on their own (one involves wearing a costume, the other involves the grace of God--I can't remember which is which). The talk was not good, because I didn't have time to fully develop the idea. Maybe someday.

I was reminded of this incident this week while attending BYU's opera, "Die Fledermaus". At best, I'm a casual fan of the opera, but one of my neighbors is the lead, and another neighbor is in the orchestra, so I went to support them and wound up being thoroughly entertained. If you haven't been to see it already, you're running out of time.

I particularly enjoyed one character, because in the first half he looks like Freddie Mercury (perhaps the most operatic rock star of all time), and at the end he wears a bat costume, and I love Batman. Thankfully, this bat costume had no rubber nipples.

During intermission, the girl sitting closest to me (even though I bought my ticket with a group of friends, I somehow wound up with an empty seat on one side and two on the other--what a waste of a piece of gum!) recognized me as a member of Laugh Out Loud. It's happened before, but it's always kind of a strange situation. Of course, it wouldn't have happened had I been wearing my Batman costume from Halloween 2003.


Yes, I prefer the old school, Adam West Batman, at least when it comes to dressing up. It's much cheerier than the modern black Batsuit, plus when my mom bugs me about getting married, I can pull out the classic line from the '60s TV show: "A wife, no matter how beauteous or affectionate, would severely impair my crime fighting."

It's also great when you have superfriends, like I did that year.


Of course, there are a few differences between myself and the "real" Batman (in the picture you can see that two of the biggest are a lack of devotion to physical fitness and the fact that my utility belt holds no cool gadgets), which allowed my rivals to nail me with a pie in the face on my next birthday, making me look more like one of the all-time great supervillains, Skeletor.


So for the next Halloween I was a little more realistic, and went as "everyman" superhero Matt Foley.


Hopefully it's clear by now that I love Halloween. When you're wearing a costume, it's like you take on a whole new personality, and you lose a lot of your self-consciousness. I get a similar feeling when I put on the LOL "costume" and perform on stage. We get to do and say things on stage that we would be much less comfortable doing in a real-life situation. And we're taking that to a whole new level on Halloween next week.

That's right--we, LOL, your comedy superheroes, will perform our first-ever Halloween show. All players will be in costume. I'm still deciding between two, one of which is a pretty heroic guy whose mustache puts even Freddie Mercury's to shame! [I actually went as Taylor Hicks that year.] There are no presale tickets available, but we've used our superpowers to lower prices at the door to $2 (just $1 if you're in a costume)! Doors open at 7:30, show starts at 8:00, and we'll have you on your way early enough that you can still do some trick-or-treating. With all of the aspiring heroes in the room, the show's guaranteed to be super!

And just in case it's not, we'll bring a bunch of candy to throw at you. That always works.

Wait 'til next year

As a follow-up to my recent baseball post, and keeping with my tradition of blogging about things I did several months after the fact, I thought I'd put up some pictures of me enjoying the New York baseball scene.

Both the Mets and Yankees move into new stadiums next year, so on literally my first full day back in the city, my good friend, former roommate and fellow baseball buff Will Bishop came up from Boston to experience the old parks for the (first and) last time.


Here I am in the upper deck of Shea Stadium. This picture was taken by my friend Marissa, who came to the game with us. As you can see, I finally got my ice cream in a mini helmet. It really does taste better that way. And it eased the pain of the Metropolitans losing to the lowly Padres.

In the background, you can see the big apple beyond the outfield wall, which pops up every time the Mets hit a home run. I believe the new stadium will have a similar feature. I was excited when I first heard that the new Mets stadium will be called City Field. Not only was I impressed that the team wasn't selling the naming rights to some heartless corporation, but I loved the old school, generic name, like Town Hall, the midtown venue where I'll be seeing Jim Gaffigan next month. A few weeks later, I realized it's actually being christened Citi Field, and I became very disillusioned.

The next day Will and I took the Yankee Stadium tour. As I mentioned before, Don Mattingly is my all-time favorite ball player. Here's his retired number in Monument Park.


The Yankees won four World Series titles in five years...years which fit nicely between Donnie Baseball's playing days and his stint as a Yankee coach. But he's still one of the best Yankees ever and probably should get more Hall of Fame consideration than he has since he became eligible. Here's his plaque.


You know who else has a plaque in Monument Park? The Pope. Our tour guide referred to everyone as "Mr." Mr. Steinbrenner, Mr. Girardi, etc. It was like the New York Times was narrating our tour. I can't remember if, when showing us the plaques, she referred to the pontiff as "Mr. Pope," or if that was just a joke Will and I thought up.


It was Will's idea to take the tour, mainly because he's writing his dissertation on the Yankees. He is definitely not a Yankee fan. The only thing in the stadium he wanted a picture of was the retired number of the great Jackie Robinson (every Major League team has retired his number). Jackie, of course, was a Dodger legend, and Will is a big Dodgers fan.


A view of the soon-to-be demolished field from the press box. The tour was actually better than I thought it would be. We got to "worship" in Monument Park, walk along the warning track, play around in the dugout for a while (biggest disappointment of the tour: the bullpen phone was locked up. I would've loved a picture of me on that phone), visit the locker room (no picture taking allowed in there), and sit in the press box. And they gave us a Yankees luggage tag. Time well spent, if slightly overpriced (that could be the slogan for this entire city, though).

I was in a costume shop yesterday buying a fake mustache when two women came in. One said to her friend, "I wonder if they have a Derek Jeter costume." Her friend said, "Who is that, a wrestler?" That woman is definitely an exception here. New Yorkers love baseball, and even with the economy as shaky as it is, I expect the two new, more-expensive stadiums to be full next year. I hope to go to a lot of games myself. I plan on becoming a Mets fan, because cheering for the Yankees is too easy, plus I already have an AL team. But mostly I love baseball, and I love that I live so close to where so many games are played.

Our Cannon Center is a liquor store

Remember the photo essays I've done in the past about places I've lived and worked? Someone else was nice enough to do one for my current apartment building for me, minus the jokes that I normally include.

(The pastry chef mentioned in the article is me. Well, not really. But I took his spot in the building.)

Living in Harleman Halls isn't too different than living in May, or Stover, or Budge, or the other Helaman Halls halls. We have longer visiting hours, and despite the descriptions of crime in the neighborhood, it might actually be safer here, because there are fewer 18-year-old pranksters around. Oh, and a tiny two-man dorm room like the one I shared with Kyle Hampton during the 1998-99 school year would probably cost about $900 a month out here. But otherwise, they're pretty much the same.

Fall Classic

I'm a big fan of Halloween. It might even be my favorite holiday. But it's on the last day of October. Not much goes on during the rest of the month, especially now that Oktoberfest is increasingly inaccurately named.

However, there is at least one great thing about the first 30 days of October...postseason baseball. (Yes, this is a post about baseball. I probably just lost about 95% of my readers.) I love baseball. I'm actually typing this post while watching Game 1 of the World Series. That's one of the things I love about baseball--you can be doing two or three other things and still fully pay attention to a game on TV.

A lot of national writers and commentators aren't too thrilled with this year's WS match up, but I think the Rays and Phillies are both fun to watch, and once my team has been eliminated I enjoy seeing teams win that haven't won for a long time. So I think this will be a great series, a true Fall Classic.

I can easily trace the origins of my baseball fanhood. I got my first pack of baseball cards for my seventh birthday, a few weeks after the beginning of the 1987 season. I was instantly hooked on card collecting, and that 1987 Topps set is still far and away my favorite set of all time.

Like the station wagons of the era, the cards had fake wood paneling. There was a nice mix of action shots (like Barry Bonds) and youth soccer style poses (like Padres manager Steve Boros) on the card fronts. There were plenty of clean-cut guys, like Yankee pitcher (and Utah native) Scott Nielsen, but also lots of guys with cool mustaches: Keith Hernandez, Don Aase, Mark Clear, Carney Lansford, Dan Gladden, Steve Balboni...the list goes on and on.

I remember so much about that set. I remember that in the 792-card set, if a player's card number ended in a 5 or a 0, he was likely a good player; if it ended in 00, he was one of the best (or Dave Bergman). I remember who was on the all-star cards (Dave Parker, Teddy Higuera, Fernando, Tony Bernazard, etc.). I remember that year's record breakers (Roger Clemens' first 20-strikeout game, Dave Righetti's single season save record, Davey Lopes stealing more bases than any 40-year-old ever had, rookie Jim Deshaies striking out the first eight batters he faced in one start). I remember the "all star rookies" and "future stars" who panned out (Jose Canseco, B.J. Surhoff) and those who didn't (Andy Allanson, Tim Pyznarski). I remember the fun facts printed on the backs of the cards: "Mickey [Brantley] was a childhood chum of boxer Mike Tyson."

As my brother and I bought more and more wax packs, we built up our card "company" (all of our cards piled or stacked in a big bucket), which on a near-weekly basis I suggested we "split," just because I liked blindly pulling cards out of the middle of the pile and seeing who I ended up with. I began to learn what the statistics on the back of the card meant, and they fascinated me (although it took me a while to figure out there was no such thing as a "league leader in italics tie," but that might take me too long to explain). I saw that Yankee 1B Don Mattingly not only had the best stats, but shared my birthday, and he became my favorite player (I didn't realize at the time that the Yanks were the "evil empire" of baseball).

My brother also had a Street & Smith's magazine that recapped the memorable 1986 season that I loved looking at. For some reason, the first thing I think of when I recall that magazine is a weird quote from Royals utility infielder Greg Pryor about breakfast cereal.

I'm pretty sure that the first baseball game I ever watched was that year's all star game. I remember seeing Tim Raines hit the game-winning triple in the 13th inning to win the game for the National League, which is weird, because I was a little kid and that probably means I was up pretty late. Maybe I got some extra sugar from the cardboard gum that came in those packs of baseball cards. Coincidentally, I used a "Rock Raines" glove when I played t-ball and church softball. I believe it's the only mitt I've ever owned. (Even though I've loved baseball for a long time, I never actually played Little League.)

When the playoffs began that fall, I decided it was time to pick a favorite team. (My older brother had unfathomably become a Mariners fan. I have no idea why he chose them. They were even worse then than they are now.) Out of the four 1987 playoff teams (Cardinals, Giants, Tigers, Twins) I arbitrarily chose the Tigers. I'm not sure why, but it seems probable that my dad told me that their ace pitcher Jack Morris had attended BYU, which certainly would've swayed me towards Detroit. (My dad played baseball in high school and liked sports when I was a kid, but he hates them now for some reason.) My picking skills weren't great: the Tigers lost the ALCS to the Twins and didn't reach the postseason again until 2006, with some near-record futility in between.

Baseball evokes more nostalgia and has a much more fascinating history than any other sport, in my opinion, and now you know the history of my first year as a baseball fan. (By "you," I mean Chris James and my brother Adam, because I can't imagine anyone else would still be reading at this point. But maybe I know some closet baseball fans and don't realize it. If you're out there, let's watch Game 2 together.)

Virgin is for lovers of good deals

But not for people who try to cheat the system.

My brother called me the other day to tell me that, after reading my last post and buying his own copy, he posted Virgin Mega's Simpsons DVD bargain on slickdeals.com, a website he uses. Within hours, people were leaving comments that their orders were being cancelled, with some admitting that they had tried to buy 50 copies in hopes of selling them on eBay (I'm guessing they're the ones who ruined it for everyone else).

For a few days, the Season 11 DVD set was gone entirely from the Virgin website; now it's back, but the price is $39.99. Sorry if I'm indirectly responsible for you having to pay full price to hear Springfield University star kicker Anton Lubchenko admit that communications is a phony major. "Lubchenko learn nothing. Nothing!"

And I hope Virgin doesn't figure out that I'm the one who started this whole mess; I'd be scared to read the e-mail they'd send me about magical creatures tearing my limbs off and pecking at my soul.

Like a Virgin

I've always known Richard Branson was a little crazy, but I never expected this. Last week season 11 of The Simpsons came out on DVD (they just started season 20, so they're a little behind), and while searching for the best deal online I was stunned to find Virgin selling it for $4.99!

At the time I'm posting this, the deal is still on, so take advantage while you can! This is one of the last really good seasons, and includes my all-time favorite episode, "Behind the Laughter."

But there's an even better reason for doing it...shortly after making my first-ever purchase from virginmega.com, I received this e-mail:

"Dear Jeff Hofmann,

It started as a dream. You wanted the best in music, movies, fashion, electronics, books and games, so you went to Virginmega.com. You lovingly selected items and placed them lovingly in a shopping cart. Then you lovingly paid for the items, and now we're lovingly telling you that your order D08155963 has been received.

Oh, happy day!

And soon, as if by witchcraft, an email will appear in your inbox, confirming your order and hopefully making you feel oh so good."

They kept their word. Within hours, this e-mail appeared, although I'm not sure how much witchcraft was involved:

"Dear Jeff Hofmann,

Today might just be the best day of your life. Your order from VirginMega.com is confirmed.

Soon, what can only be described as an army of unicorns will descend on our stock and pull the items that you want. After that, a wizard will cast a boxing spell and enchant your items into a "box". Then, a falcon will carry the box to your house.

Actually, we'll ship it how you requested, but we're totally working on the falcon thing."

Then, two days later, they sent me this doozy:

"Dear Jeff Hofmann,

Today is your lucky day!

Your order from Virginmega.com is on its way to you! This just might go down as the second greatest day of your life, placing just after the day you receive your order and just before meeting the love of your life/having a kid or something/teaching your dog to get you stuff from the fridge/winning the lottery. In any case, this is a sweet day, so cherish it always."

I'd love to read the interoffice memos of a company that puts this much effort into its form letters. A heartless corporation has never made me feel so loved.

You all, everybody

Thanks to my recent injuries and illnesses, my laziness when healthy, and the full episode player on ABC.com, I have now watched all four seasons of Lost.

It's an ok show, good enough that I'll likely keep watching when new episodes resume, but I'd rank it behind 24 and Twin Peaks, which basically puts it in last place among dramas I've watched more than one season of (I'm more of a sitcom and sports kind of guy).

My opinion of the show might go up if something were to happen to Kate. She's gorgeous, but I can't stand her.

Now I need to find something else to distract me from looking for a job. I'm pretty sure I can watch old Miami Vice episodes on Hulu...

High School Muse-ical

In conjunction with my last post, here's the long-awaited recap of the other major event of my final week in Utah: my ten-year high school reunion.

I have to say, it went pretty much exactly how I thought it would. I showed up, looked around at all the new additions (the school underwent a major remodel since I attended, allowing it to be used for various Disney productions, and this was my first time back since all of the changes were made), enjoyed seeing old friends for the first time in years, and either avoided talking to them because I figured it would get awkward, or talked to them briefly, allowed the awkwardness to ensue, then stopped talking to them and avoided them the rest of the night.

A few people have lost some hair, some (including myself) have put on some weight, and there was at least one intra-graduating class marriage that I was unaware of, but there weren't too many big surprises. A few reasons for this: there weren't any kids around (there had been a separate event for families earlier in the day), which kept me from feeling like we had all aged; I'm friends with many of these people on Facebook, so I kind of know what they look like even though I haven't seen them for years; and, as mentioned, most of the brief conversations I had were kept highly superficial, even by reunion standards.

I did enjoy the slide show, which was basically the senior picture of anyone who RSVP'd that they would be there, followed by any current pictures that were submitted. I didn't send any in, but that didn't stop the reunion organizers from poaching some photos from my blog. It worked out great: I didn't have to do any work, and everyone got to see me in my Batman costume. The music was also outstanding; I definitely felt like I was at a stomp in the old gym in 1998. Good work, Spencer.

Now let's see some pictures, which, if you visit here often, you know I only ever include with my posts as a set-up for jokes, some of which are even amusing.


Me in front of the new school sign. This is before I even went in; I brought my own name tag. Weirdest part of the day: my mom going on and on about how awful that shirt looked with olive green shorts, which is how I originally dressed that morning. I've never claimed to know much about fashion, but I can't figure out why that wouldn't look ok.


I found myself on the nerd board, I mean the 30+ Club plaque, honoring those students who aced the ACT. They could've saved wall space, and continued to honor me, by changing it to the 34+ Club. That's right, I'm a genius.


My siblings also test well, although the plaque-makers seem to be part of the 15- Club. We may be smart in the HofmanN family, but we lack the brains and beauty combo possessed by Ms. Harrington, if I'm accurately remembering the stories my brother told me in junior high.


Murray High School even makes their own soap dispensers. Fancy.


Emily, my best friend from college, was kind enough to be my date for the evening. One person thought they recognized her as a member of our graduating class, but most people assumed we were married. Speaking of which...I extended my streak of marriage-related faux pas statements to two high school reunions. This one wasn't as bad: I asked my good friend Mathew, who took this picture, if I was the only single guy there that night. He informed me that he was in the same category, having recently been divorced. I think I'll just stop talking at reunions, assuming I ever go to another one.


Although spearless, I think I strike just as regal a pose as our mighty Spartan mascot. Then again, I'd probably stand just like this if I were trying to look like a Smelterite.

See you in 2018, MHS!

American Idle

In honor of Clay Aiken's coming out party (also known as, his desperate attempt to stay famous without appearing on Dancing With the Stars), I figured I'd finally get around to chronicling my American Idol audition from two months ago.

I'd been waiting for them to hold auditions in Salt Lake for years, figuring that getting some friends together to observe the freakshow that is the Idol auditions and maybe get on TV in the process would be a great time. I was right.

My friends Megan, Marlene and Katie joined me in making the trek up from Utah County early in the morning (they've streamlined the audition process, eliminating the need for camping out overnight, which made Katie's experience much scarier when she auditioned in Detroit a few years ago) and joined the back of the line, already behind thousands of people even though the doors to Energy Solutions Arena wouldn't open for another two hours.

But there was plenty to keep us entertained while we waited. I brought my camera, but as often happens, I didn't bother to get it out. The most eventful thing that happened to me outside was having some girls spill coffee on me, but my friends wandered around to check out the competition. All of the following pictures were taken by Marlene and Katie.


This guy was all over the place, mugging for the cameras. I'm not sure if he even went inside to audition, but you'll definitely see him when they air the SLC audition episode.


Upset at her recent elimination from the National Spelling Bee earlier in the summer, Marlene's new friend here set her sights on another competition. Overall, there weren't as many freaks and weirdos as I had hoped for, but the quality of freaks present was pretty high. Alas, I don't have many pictures of them; maybe my friends have more they can send me.


Oh my gosh! It's AI season 1 runner-up Justin Guarini! Star of the hit movie From Justin to Kelly! I can't believe it's really him! Marlene was one of the lucky few to get Justin to pose for a picture, because his break was over and he had to get back to stocking shelves at Circuit City.


We finally got inside...only to wait several more hours, most of which was filled by take after take of big, sweeping crowd shots, of us sheep singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and saying things like "Welcome to Salt Lake City!" and "First Archie, now me!" (a reference, of course, to Murray, Utah's second favorite son, David Archuleta) and cheesy stuff like that. If I'm on Idol at all this season (or ever, since next year I'll be too old to audition) it will be in one of these group shots.


Our foursome was slightly separated inside the arena, allowing Marlene to get this excellently juxtaposed shot (I'm in the green shirt). Calling me Husky Idol is nicer than calling me Fat Idol, or Ruben Studdard, I guess.

Finally, the auditions begin. Once the camera was taken down, the number of tables doubled. At each table sat two producers, and four people at a time would get sent to each station. One at a time, each person sings until one of the producers would hold up their hand to stop you. After all four sang, the producers would huddle behind their clipboards, then tell the group whether any of them were moving on to the next stage. There were so many people that it was hard to hear individual singers, but everyone could see when someone got a golden ticket, and a cheer would erupt from the 8,000 or so in the arena.

Did it just get tanner in here? Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ryan Seacrest! The auditions were paused for a few minutes while we did a few more group shots with the Idol host. I can't stand him, but I will admit that he's very good at his job. He reads a teleprompter without making it seem like he's reading a teleprompter better than anyone I've ever seen.

Here's Katie, once we finally made it down to the arena floor (a mere eight hours after we arrived). During that wait, I had bumped into my friend Talitha and her friend Emily, who played Trish in Napoleon Dynamite. They were both glammed up Pat Benatar-style, and auditioned together. Their combined talent worked, as they advanced to the next round--pretty impressive, since throughout the day it seemed like only one out of every 40 or 50 got to stick around. The next stage involved filling out some paperwork and singing for more producers, and if they liked you then you got to come back in September and sing for Simon, Randy and Paula (apparently they were too busy to come to Utah within six weeks of the original audition date). Talitha isn't allowed to tell me what happened, but I'll be watching for her in January.

Megan and I taking our walk of shame. When we got up to the table, I belted out "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (which narrowly edged out Bowie's "Golden Years" as my song of choice). They let me go for a while, probably about 45 seconds. I tried hard to hold eye contact with the more stern producer at my table and didn't really pay attention to the other one, but Megan told me after that she saw her lean over towards her partner and say "he's adorable." I gave it my all, but it wasn't enough. After the four of us sang, we were told that we were good, but "not quite the quality of voices that the show is looking for at this time." Marlene and Katie received the same verdict and similarly hollow encouragement at their tables. It was time to piece our broken egos back together and head home. So sad. I guess, though, that it's at least slightly encouraging that I'm talented enough to avoid being one of the "bad" auditions on the show.

As we rode TRAX back down south, this couple boarded the train, and proceeded to stroke each other's faces for the entire journey, with their eyes closed the whole time. It was pretty creepy. But at least they were oblivious enough that we were able to document their weirdness. Which, again, was what this whole day was about in the first place.

(By the way...I'm becoming a big fan of the idea of using spokesmodels to illustrate my blog posts. Thanks, Marlene, Megan and Katie. I'll have to use this tactic again during the next sweeps week.)

I'm so glad I auditioned for American Idol. I didn't expect to make it, and I didn't; I did expect to have a great time, and I did. The show is a juggernaut, and being part of it is much better than getting crushed by it. Hofmann out!